Relationship issues

[FMO1976]

Help!
My husband had an affair 18 months before and came back, mainly for our 2 small girls, but nothing really changed. I am pretty sure he suffers depression. We had a thing about him putting his wedding ring on again which went badly about 3 days after he told me he would and also with him turning off message read receipt.
Anyway he is now definitely texting (and I think dating) one of the juniors in his team. He doesn’t send loads of messages when he’s home though. He has a very senior position at work and I work at the same company, different office. Do people think I should ask his team (anonymously as I know some of them) if they know about this, and also tell his bosses as I doubt it will be very well received. He’s also now ignoring me, lying about where he is, and staying in hotels all the time.
I still think it’s best for the kids for us to stay together (we don’t argue in front of them, although the 5 year old says he’s lazy). We have it all on paper so I fail to see why we can’t make it work. He has seen a counsellor before as he struggles for a connection with our children.
All thoughts appreciated.

That will be a blessing for them.

I'm lost you said you were going to " raise it " with his parents. Raise what? And what is he going to chat through with them?

This is exhausting OP and I'm just reading a thread I have no emotional investment in at all!

If you want to stay together but not rock the boat then your only option is to not say anything and carry on with this shit.

If you recognise you can't stay together then your options are to leave him or wait for him to leave you.

You seem to refuse to leave him.

He has no reason to leave because there are no consequences to his actions.

So that's it. Stalemate. Neither of you happy, kids with parents who aren't happy together.

Absolutely nothing else anyone can say if you are just waiting for him to make a decision.

He's made his decision. He wants to have what he has now - a no effort marriage where him working hard justifies (in his mind) him not having a proper relationship with his kids and being able to cheat on his wife.

Either change things or accept how it is I guess, you aren't willing to even consider leaving so there's no use in any of us telling you otherwise.

I know you won't acknowledge this post because it isn't what you want to hear but good luck regardless.

Sorry - he wants their opinion, although he knows they will tell him to stay, make it work etc. and he’ll get annoyed. He wants to Explain to them the issues etc. They are sure to ask if there is someone else and then we can see what’s said. I said shall I go out and he said no, stay. Potentially nothing will be said, which will be annoying. But obviously we can’t move things on with the house etc. until they know, our nanny knows etc.

@YasssKween

Thank you. It’s a very difficult situation for many reasons. He won’t engage in a proper discussion, but I am sure we can have an enjoyable relationship again, if not perfect. For example if I had an enjoyable job with lots of meetings, social interaction etc then maybe I would be happier to be home alone in the evenings. If the next client he is given is in the UK then he’ll be around more and things may get better. I know I should leave him, but I am not sure the outcome will be good for the kids. They either won’t want to go with their dad, or they will have parties they want to go to and he will drift away which won’t help. Clearly if he had a more normal job, was planning on living closer and being truly involved it would help. For example Wednesday nights which seems normal as 2 weeks is a long time not to see your dad when you are 3

He won’t engage in the discussion (because he’s too busy shagging about) I’m sure we can have a perfect relationship again LOL I don’t mean to be cruel but this is just laughable

If he will drift away and not see them for weeks on end then he's a shit dad and that will leave them with more issues than having a safe and secure home with you where they know they are loved, wanted and valued. Better they have a full life he drifts from than a halfway life he is already drifted from surely.

I've been the kid when parents say "we stayed together for you" and I felt pissed off and guilty in equal measure.

They weren't happy together. I learned a blueprint of "normal" relationships which was actually totally unhealthy and has taken me years to unravel.

Really my parents didn't want to deal with the consequences of a break up because it felt such a big step for them and they considered it "giving up".

In reality they just kept us all in a tense, mediocre, awkward limbo for years. And for nobody's benefit. Then split up as soon as we were adults, with an affair from one of them thrown in for good measure.

You're going to teach your kids that unhealthy, cold, distant relationships are normal. And that its normal and OK for parents to be a bit meh about their children.

You're obviously very bright. It sounds like you're making your decision based massively on what other people with think and the inconvenience it will cause, rather than what is genuinely best for your kids.

I hope I'm wrong but from the outside it sounds like that. It must be tough but you're bright, capable and in a fantastic position financially.

What happens next is up to you, he has no reason to make a decision if you aren't either.

@ClaireT1308

If NOT perfect. It will obviously never be that again.

@YasssKween

I am hoping that he won’t drift away and not see them for weeks on end. We have agreed that we need to make a decision and manage things properly for the girls. For the last 12 months or so he’s been here at the weekends, just seldom in the week. TBH I can see how these things happen - working together a lot, long days in hotels etc. That of course doesn’t make it right, but I can see how it can happen. I guess we both have quite lonely existences - hotels sound good as no cooking, chores etc. but then sometimes he would prefer to be at home watching the TV (albeit maybe not with me!).

I am resigned that he’ll never, whatever happens, be the dad I wanted him to be and expected him to be given his upbringing. I also think he’s a bit scared of the kids - even when things were a bit tense one day over Christmas he wanted me to go with him to take the kids to a National Trust place. Roles reversed I would have wanted to go on my own with th kids. He is quite open with others about how frustrating he finds parenting - it makes me cringe! Even to the point of asking the crèche woman the maximum time he could leave them in there for! I find it weird - his view was that he was tired, stressed and a 2 hour work out while the girls played happily was fine.

Maybe I am blasé about the finances but I hope not - I may also be happier knowing I have to work....

I think the OP is describing a version of the Sandringham Summit. Where they discuss how to be married but not married.

I honestly don't get what you are hoping from this thread. You are just defending his actions, and repeating yourself.

I know you must feel really lonely and sad about the situation you are in, and it's awful to be in a loveless relationship.

BUT only YOU can fix this situation. You either need to leave him or stay.
Leave and find a real, happy, living relationship.
Or stay in a relationship which is not going haha anywhere. This man is not going to change and become the man you want him to be.

I just keep getting stuck on the fact that he is their dad, despite all his failings, and they won’t have another one. He’s not a great dad for sure, but tries when he’s home. I may be happier with someone else for sure, but will they like him, lose all connection with their dad etc?

Sorry - my life until now has been easy. This feels like something out of Eastenders

*and they love him and always ask when he’s back. They made our nanny text to ask him when he’s home and if the youngest should save some of her home made doughnut for him!!!

I used to ask after my mum all the time. I was desperate for her to show some sign of loving me or even liking me. I would make things for her in the hope it would encourage her to like me. Didn't work. I got over it in my twenties.

First things first go and get an sti screening done. Are you happy to know he has another woman and you and if you are and it works for u your current life then stay as u are. If u cant accept then ultimately move on xx

it’s frustrating that I made such a poor choice

This is what this whole thread is. You expressing frustration for a situation that you can't change yourself.

You say you're a sportswoman? Well, welcome to the real world where most problems are not solvable by working harder and harder. You can't "not give up" yourself out of this situation. HE'S given up. It's not up to you. All you can control now is your response to him giving up.

Hopefully you'll wake the fuck up before your kids get old enough to blame themselves for the state of your marriage.

If you had an ounce of sense or compassion, you'd stop indulging yourself in ruminating about how frustrated you are, and actually take action on behalf of your kids to get them settled into a new routine before they are too far into tweenhood when it gets SO much harder for them to cope with the kind of fucked family life you describe.

But please, talk in circles instead, that will really help

Not eastenders, more like stepford wives.

You sound so detached and unemotional, like you are describing someone else’s life. You are ticking off reasons to stay: I don’t quit, he needs to end it, the children might not want to go with him, they might have parties, he might drift away, no school parents are divorced, no friends are divorced, a poor dad is better than no dad, a new job might be a loneliness bandaid, etc.

All of this rationalizing is glossing over the rotten core/brutal truth. Your husband is having sex with other women and treating you and his children with contempt.

He had the opportunity to change but hasn’t. There is no true remorse. He has a new OW. He won’t answer his 5 year old’s messages. He shunts the girls into the crèche for as long as possible. His primary emotional relationship is with his parents, and he will discuss your marital situation with them but not you. He isn’t going to voluntarily end his set-up: family man image and parental approval, with a side dish of OW.

Where on earth is your anger? Your self-respect? It is untenable to stay married to this lying cheat. You cannot make him care, and you are doing the girls no favors by exposing them to this poor relationship model. Take control and empower yourself by ending this farce. Work out a co-parenting plan where he consistently comes to the girls.

I guess after a while you turn emotions off and just get on with it. A passenger in your own life, focuses on the children.

That's no life for anyone. You or the kids.

Life is too short to be unhappy

Your life is not like Eastenders. Your husband's cheating and detachment are not unusual. I wonder if it will help you to realise how normal this situation is in reality.

If your social circle is anything like mine then in your forties and fifties you will have several friends/acquaintances/colleagues who get divorced. Cheating, slacking, loneliness due to general detachment, drinking, aggression, mega sulks, that stuff happens and people reach a point where they've had enough. You will have people to talk to in real life who have come out the other side of this. In my experience, divorced people are happy to talk about stuff with friends who are considering divorce.

If you break up it won't be front page news. Your children will be fine. If your DH isn't interested in his children then that will come out eventually whether he lives with them full time or part time.

True

OP, your priority needs to be your 2 very young children. You are making a huge mistake if you think that they are not at all affected by what is going on between you and your DH at the moment. They are already learning to accept as normal that a father is disengaged, uninterested in them, does not enjoy their company or look forward to seeing them. This will be their blueprint for choosing future partners. Their mother also accepts this as being normal because she is there and accepting the situation which further confirms to them that this is how things are. But they already know something isn't quite right: saying daddy is lazy is not a comment on how often he loads the dishwasher. You are setting your children up for unhappy future relationships because of an unhealthy home life which you are currently validating as normal.

Being divorced is not some kind of life threatening contagion. You may not know anyone who is divorced but you may also not know anyone who is truly and happily married either: appearances can be deceptive! Your husband clearly has a punishing work schedule and possibly finds it hard to switch between his work life and family life but he does have a choice. Whilst an income of 700k might be quite nice to have, it is hardly necessary is it? He could, if he wanted to, do a less demanding job with lower pay so that he could spend more time with the family but perhaps he doesn't actually want to do that. Maybe he gets a powerful buzz from his job and its status that he will not relinquish for anyone.

As other PPs have pointed out, you do sound very detached about it all: I don't know if you've always been like this or whether you have had to wall up your emotions to stop feeling (anything, let alone pain) anymore just so you can put one foot in front of the other every day but this disconnect is not going to help you move forward with what is best for your children. It is very, very hard to be a good mother when there is a shitty husband in the mix. I am sure your kids have a lovely house, they are receiving one hopes, a good education, they are clothed, fed, warm but their mother is unhappy and their father is not interested in them and does not want to spend time with them. If you divorce, they will still see their father as much as before (the irony is not lost on me) and will have a mum who turned her back on having herself and her children being treated with disrespect by her husband and who starts to get a sense of herself back again.

Whatever disruption a divorce brings about, I can promise you it will be nothing compared to the damage you will do to your kids if you carry on as you are. The below thread might provide a bit of insight/inspiration for you: look for the post where they refer to being taken out every weekend.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3719669-To-want-to-know-what-its-like-if-you-have-parents-who-loved-you-very-much-and-raised-you

Good luck!!