PIL and the fall out from Christmas

[ClareVH]

DH and I have been married for 15 years and have 2 DC. His family have never liked me, in spite of me being a nice, normal person and trying very hard to include them in our lives, make them feel welcome in our home, etc. I don’t know why they don’t like me, DH has asked them, but they deny it. We barely see them in spite of moving to be closer to them.

One irritating thing that MIL does is, if I ask her a question, she’ll give her answer to DH, not me. I don’t know why she sidelines me like this, but I find it quite hurtful. If I answer his phone, she’ll say, “I want to speak to my son.” Just refuses to speak to me.

It came to a head over Christmas. I texted MIL early in December to suggest that we should get together for Christmas and put forward an idea. She said she’d think about it and get back to me, but never did and we heard nothing from them. They go away a lot and so DH and I assumed they had decided to go away for Christmas. DH was on leave from Christmas Eve. Due to the nature of his job, he had his phone switched off over Christmas and New Year whilst he was on leave. However, my phone was on the whole time.

We expected that PIL would at least call to speak to the DC over Christmas. But we heard nothing. They live very close to us, so could easily have popped in if they were around, after first calling to check that we were in.

After Christmas, we discovered that they had hosted a nice family Christmas with SIL but had not invited us. I sent a text to MIL basically saying how hurt I was that they didn’t invite us and now all hell has broken loose. MIL lied and said she HAD invited us, via DH, but he’d declined. I remember this phone call as MIL was on speakerphone and she most certainly did not invite us. It’s weird, as in spite of her faults, I have never known MIL to lie before.

She then said that they had popped round but we were out. And now the presents are all sitting “sadly under the tree”. It’s like she’s blaming us for being out when they came round, but had she called me before leaving home, we could have arranged a time that we were in.

She also said that she had called many times over Christmas but that we had ignored her calls. She called on DH's phone, which was switched off as he was on leave (she knew this). She didn't then call on my phone, which obviously I would have answered.

She has now told the whole family that they didn’t get to see their GC over Christmas and apparently it’s my fault! The whole family have now turned against me, saying how hurt she is that she didn’t get to see her GC at Christmas and still hasn’t been able to give the DC their presents.

We had a difficult year and I really just wanted a nice big family Christmas. I am feeling really fragile at the moment. I was very ill earlier in the year and now I think I’m suffering from depression, maybe as a side effect of the medication I was on. I cry a lot and struggle to cope. I am trying to work through it and DH is great. No-one else knows as I am very good at pretending everything is OK. The situation with PIL really upsets me. I just wish I knew what the solution was.

Can anybody help me please?

Some things occur to me.

Where is FIL in all this? Going along with MIL for a quiet life (which may be where your DH gets his problem from, does anyone ever stand up to her?)?
Why does nobody text? It won't cost them that much to receive a text, even if they are overseas. A simple Happy Christmas text from your phone? As there seems to be all this aversion to phone calls, just text!
The 'idolising the children' is perfectly transparent to anyone who knows them. Have they ever seen PILs in the company of your children? Ever heard tales of the days out? Seen the photos? No? Then 'words are cheap' is the only response.
The Aunt of the 'maybe she invited you quietly so nobody heard' knows perfectly well. She's making excuses, but she knows.
And if MIL is so worried about the kids getting their presents - why doesn't she bring them round? She wants to control the whole situation, I think.

It’s interesting that you mention FIL. He doesn’t like me and ignores the DC. He’s always been the same. I think they would rather DH had never got married. After he moved in with me, MIL was like, “You should be living here and helping Dad.” I think she meant with mowing the lawn, etc. He was 26 when he moved in with me and had been living at home up until that point.

Aunty called tonight. I know she means well. She said she wants to heal the rift and the best way to do this would be for DH to apologise to MIL.

Well that’s not gonna happen.

OMG they sound bonkers. Drama drama drama. I think some people like the idea of family more than actually having a family. And I agree with what someone said before about how your MIL has to say she’s besotted with the DGC. She can’t exactly say ‘I’m not bothered with them really’ or people would think she was horrible. Stop trying to appease them coz they’re not going to change. That’s ridiculous what your auntie said. She’s clearly used to pandering to your MIL. Are they sisters?

Aunty called tonight. I know she means well. She said she wants to heal the rift and the best way to do this would be for DH to apologise to MIL

Did you ask her what dh was meant to apologise for

Why are you engaging?!

Just say I will not discuss this and stop.

So now you know who the flying monkey is.

You really do need to get off this merry go around because if you do not, you will be asking the same questions in six months time.

Why engage at all with them, please give up the self appointed role of family appeaser to such people. What you have tried to date has not and will not work. You need to have nothing to do with any of his family including the aunt acting as the flying monkey.

Why do you think this aunty character means well?. Not all people or relatives for that matter are nice and kind and its not your fault either they are like this. Your aunt is a flying monkey likely sent in by your MIL to do her bidding for her. She is not interested in hearing your side of things so her opinion needs to be ignored. Do not engage or JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain) with such people and there is no need either for your DH to apologise to his mother. He has not done anything wrong here.

Does your DH ever get to speak to his family without you though, OP? You say you both spoke to his Aunt and that you listened on speakerphone to his mother - and that you don't like him going round on his own? You seem to expect them to go through you and they want to speak to their son.

You should have refused to engage with the aunt. Should have told her to phone DH, you are staying out if it.

It does seem like you enjoy the drama. Join AmDram instead of sticking your nose into his family relations.

Do not engage with any of them op.
Hand the phone ASAP to dh or block them all.

It’s interesting that you mention FIL. He doesn’t like me and ignores the DC. He’s always been the same. I think they would rather DH had never got married.

And yet you moved to live closer to them?

Is this a wind up thread? Daily Fail?

This is bizarre. They live close enough to pop round while you are out yet dh made no effort to establish if they really were away for Christmas as you supposed, in person , by phone or through contacting his sister over last few weeks.pils clearly have more of a relationship with his sister if she visited but what is the situation between her and him. Even if your dh turned off phone for a break from work he could easily have made contact another way, without involving you. Why was the onus on pils to do so? Sorry but this sounds down to your dh. If he wanted to go nc he should make it clear to you.

Just stop trying to engage or contact any of the twats.

I am closer to my FIL than I am to my own Dad. My Mum used to drive over to my house every week which was an hour away and spend the day with me and the children, do a school run with me or for me, stay for dinner, look after the children so Dh and I could go out in the evening if we wanted. My Dad never came with her. He had been retired for years before she retired.

I accept that this is my relationship with him. Incidently my sister sees him pretty much daily. It is just the way it is. My Mum died 10 years ago, he sees my children probably twice a year and only because I am at my sister's house for some family event.

My FIL knows to ring my phone as Dh turns his onto silent regularly at night as work stuff comes through. He always says put him on speaker phone so we can both hear his news and he can hear ours.

You need to learn that nothing you do is good enough.
You need to get your Dh to set the record straight and send the message to everyone you can.
Detach, stop messaging, stop ringing, stop hoping. It will never be what you want it to be. Ever.

My friend has a lovely relationship with her Mum and Dad and I wish I had had that. But my Dad made no effort.

Like others I think your DH could add a factual message to the family WhatsApp and then leave the group, reminding them all that they have other ways of contacting both of you.

We did something similar a few years ago when DHs family started egtting daft again! 20 years of almost no contact broken by stupid, hurtful messages. DH posted once and told them all that they had chosen to ostracise him for years before he met me and that he had quite enjoyed not having to deal with them and didn't want to be dragged back into their family feud!

They left him alone - until 2 years ago when things changed and he chose to increase contact!

Back away.

What a bloody drama.

I used to wonder if it was because me and DH can't afford holidays and they felt awkward because of this, but I'm not sure.

Is SIL better off financially? Do you think that’s why MIL prefers her? Some people really are that shallow.

I think moving closer to them was a wrong move. They never asked you to and they don't care.

Stop the cheapness with the work phone. .he should get his own....especially as he's so stressed.

Are there any cultural issues in this situation? Are you from a different ethnic background to them?

In spite of saying they don't like you, their actions say otherwise and confronting your MIL was not a good idea. You know the relationship is already bad....what did yoy think the outcome would be?

@AnotherEmma why would he not have a separate work and personal phone? I work for a very large retailer, we all have separate work and personal phones

@Hadjab
Perhaps you misread my post? Here it is again:

"OP, why doesn't your DH have separate work and personal phones?"

(And with all due respect your own phones are completely irrelevant )

"OP, why doesn't your DH have separate work and personal phones?" At risk of adding more irrelevance... my DH only has one phone - his work phone.

I am self employed, I only have one phone.

I think the point you are missing is that it isn't uncommon for people to use one phone, often their workphone.

In asking that question, with the implication that he is in some way to blame for some/all of the unpleasantness, you are imposing your own etic upon him, and other posters, - ie you and your own phone use / beliefs, where one phone would be unusual / wrong!

Tbh it was a very minor point several pages back, and the thread has moved on since then - I only responded because Hadjab randomly brought it up.

OP answered the question at the time!!

It would be interesting to hear your PIL's version of events.