PIL and the fall out from Christmas

[ClareVH]

DH and I have been married for 15 years and have 2 DC. His family have never liked me, in spite of me being a nice, normal person and trying very hard to include them in our lives, make them feel welcome in our home, etc. I don’t know why they don’t like me, DH has asked them, but they deny it. We barely see them in spite of moving to be closer to them.

One irritating thing that MIL does is, if I ask her a question, she’ll give her answer to DH, not me. I don’t know why she sidelines me like this, but I find it quite hurtful. If I answer his phone, she’ll say, “I want to speak to my son.” Just refuses to speak to me.

It came to a head over Christmas. I texted MIL early in December to suggest that we should get together for Christmas and put forward an idea. She said she’d think about it and get back to me, but never did and we heard nothing from them. They go away a lot and so DH and I assumed they had decided to go away for Christmas. DH was on leave from Christmas Eve. Due to the nature of his job, he had his phone switched off over Christmas and New Year whilst he was on leave. However, my phone was on the whole time.

We expected that PIL would at least call to speak to the DC over Christmas. But we heard nothing. They live very close to us, so could easily have popped in if they were around, after first calling to check that we were in.

After Christmas, we discovered that they had hosted a nice family Christmas with SIL but had not invited us. I sent a text to MIL basically saying how hurt I was that they didn’t invite us and now all hell has broken loose. MIL lied and said she HAD invited us, via DH, but he’d declined. I remember this phone call as MIL was on speakerphone and she most certainly did not invite us. It’s weird, as in spite of her faults, I have never known MIL to lie before.

She then said that they had popped round but we were out. And now the presents are all sitting “sadly under the tree”. It’s like she’s blaming us for being out when they came round, but had she called me before leaving home, we could have arranged a time that we were in.

She also said that she had called many times over Christmas but that we had ignored her calls. She called on DH's phone, which was switched off as he was on leave (she knew this). She didn't then call on my phone, which obviously I would have answered.

She has now told the whole family that they didn’t get to see their GC over Christmas and apparently it’s my fault! The whole family have now turned against me, saying how hurt she is that she didn’t get to see her GC at Christmas and still hasn’t been able to give the DC their presents.

We had a difficult year and I really just wanted a nice big family Christmas. I am feeling really fragile at the moment. I was very ill earlier in the year and now I think I’m suffering from depression, maybe as a side effect of the medication I was on. I cry a lot and struggle to cope. I am trying to work through it and DH is great. No-one else knows as I am very good at pretending everything is OK. The situation with PIL really upsets me. I just wish I knew what the solution was.

Can anybody help me please?

Why doesn't your DH know if his parents are at home or on holiday for Christmas? How come he didn't know what his sister was doing for Christmas?

They don't like you.
If I tell you I'm a unicorn would you believe me? Stop putting yourself through this. You're worth so much more. You deserve better.

Leave the fuckers to it. Why should they get to live rent free in your head?

Stop bothering with them, they aren’t going to change and the only people who are adversely affected are you and your family. They are not worth it.

@ChicCroissant I ask myself the same questions and I don't know the answer. I cannot work them out at all. DH is completely different from them.

I’m echoing what others have said. Let your DH handle them, and I’d step back if I were you. I did it and it’s bliss —plus he’s away a lot and isn’t there to speak to them as often as they expect— 😂

The problem with only DH dealing with them is that they try to manipulate him. He used to pop round to their house after work on his own, but they would use these Clare-free occasions to cause trouble between DH and I.

But it sounds as if your DH doesn't phone either his parents or his sister - didn't he call his sister on Christmas Day? It's a two-way process, he can ring rather than wait for them to contact him. How often does he contact them?

Your DH didn't know what his family were doing for Christmas because he doesn't care. Take a leaf out of his book.

So he stopped doing it I presume?
He chose you.
Why are you pushing it then?
Why do you want to spend time with people who are openly hostile to you and your marriage?
I mean this in the nicest possible way - what is going on in your head?!

Say "I know you don't like me due to your actions when you answer my questions via dh or never chat to me on phone. Saying you like me does not change that."

Or better yet dont engage. You dont need to prove anything, you know it, they know just distance yourself and try to stop caring (difficult I know)

OP, do you not like your DH to speak to his parents without you then? Is that the reason for the speakerphone and not wanting him to go round on his own?

Don't make any more effort and move away.

You should listen to AnotherEmma's advice, it's spot on.

You can't keep analysing and agonising over every little thing these people say and do. You will drive yourself insane. They are assholes. They lie, they manipulate, they don't play fair - you KNOW that. It isn't going to change, or improve. You can't win better behaviour or a meaningful relationship from them, however hard you try. They aren't capable of it.

Focus on yourself and your family. Spend your emotional energy on people who appreciate it and can offer you something in return.

I know no one that switches their mobile off it's for contact that's the purpose of a mobile its portal so you can contact someone when ever where ever. Either have one for work and one personal but they shouldn't gave to go through you to speak to their son. My dm might want to speak to me about something that has no relevance to dh. I'm gobsmacked he didnt even speak to his own sister. I think theres more to this and would be interesting to see the other side.

Your DH can go off grid for work but it is not fair on you that that also means off grid for any sort of personal life. I can't imagine not contacting family over Christmas especially if they are local and assuming that they must be out of the country. DH needs to get a phone asap and needs to step up and communicate with his family - if he wants a relationship with them that is. What does his sister say in all of this - did she not ask where you all were and try and call? It's pretty strange behaviour all round tbh. He needs to be told and you step back from all Comms.

Does DH and his sister get on. Are there other family members? Why didn't he contact anyone in his family over Christmas? Does he expect you to do it?

If he turns his mobile off, don't you have a landline?

On reflection, it was a bad decision to move closer to them. At the time, we thought that they would love having the GC near by and we had assumed that they would build up a relationship with them. We never dreamed they wouldn't be interested in them.

DH and I have spoken about moving somewhere else when the DC finish school in July. I think we might just do this.

What should we say to PIL? Any ideas? Just ignoring them wouldn't work as they wouldn't even notice.

Leave them to DH to deal with - and he does need to do this actively, not rely on 'assumptions'.

You were silly to poke the bear by telling her you felt hurt, especially when you're feeling fragile. Unfortunately, you made an accusation, so she was bound to defend herself. It doesn't sound surprising she's done so aggressively.

Just ignore them from now on. 'Your son is there...'

We tried to contact his DSis, but she is ignoring us. Apparently she spent all her money on presents for our DC and was disappointed when she didn't see them on Christmas Day. I tried to explain that we weren't invited, but she's still ignoring us.

They can't cause trouble between you and DH if he doesn't let them. It sounds like he's still in the FOG.

They can't manipulate your DH if he doesn't allow himself to be manipulated. You present him as a weak, scared person, who turns off his phone to run away from having to speak to anyone.

About DH's mobile... he works very hard and only switches it off when he's on Leave, which is 2 weeks every 2 years. Not worth buying a separate phone for.

OP I could have written your post.

MIL and BIL clearly don’t like me but will never openly admit it to me or DH. I think it’s because I’m not a ‘yes’ girl and will pull them up on things and have a life outside of their world. They don’t bother with my DC’s and BIL forgets my youngest exists!

I’m still learning how to play this. I hate DH being in the middle and I have no contact with them at all now. They even came to my house on Boxing Day and apart from a hello we had no conversation at all.

What should we say to PIL? Any ideas?

Nothing

Just ignoring them wouldn't work as they wouldn't even notice.

So, just ignore them. I would move away and go NC with them as they don't care and sound toxic. Cut them our of your life.

And why isn't your husband sticking up for you?