PIL and the fall out from Christmas

[ClareVH]

DH and I have been married for 15 years and have 2 DC. His family have never liked me, in spite of me being a nice, normal person and trying very hard to include them in our lives, make them feel welcome in our home, etc. I don’t know why they don’t like me, DH has asked them, but they deny it. We barely see them in spite of moving to be closer to them.

One irritating thing that MIL does is, if I ask her a question, she’ll give her answer to DH, not me. I don’t know why she sidelines me like this, but I find it quite hurtful. If I answer his phone, she’ll say, “I want to speak to my son.” Just refuses to speak to me.

It came to a head over Christmas. I texted MIL early in December to suggest that we should get together for Christmas and put forward an idea. She said she’d think about it and get back to me, but never did and we heard nothing from them. They go away a lot and so DH and I assumed they had decided to go away for Christmas. DH was on leave from Christmas Eve. Due to the nature of his job, he had his phone switched off over Christmas and New Year whilst he was on leave. However, my phone was on the whole time.

We expected that PIL would at least call to speak to the DC over Christmas. But we heard nothing. They live very close to us, so could easily have popped in if they were around, after first calling to check that we were in.

After Christmas, we discovered that they had hosted a nice family Christmas with SIL but had not invited us. I sent a text to MIL basically saying how hurt I was that they didn’t invite us and now all hell has broken loose. MIL lied and said she HAD invited us, via DH, but he’d declined. I remember this phone call as MIL was on speakerphone and she most certainly did not invite us. It’s weird, as in spite of her faults, I have never known MIL to lie before.

She then said that they had popped round but we were out. And now the presents are all sitting “sadly under the tree”. It’s like she’s blaming us for being out when they came round, but had she called me before leaving home, we could have arranged a time that we were in.

She also said that she had called many times over Christmas but that we had ignored her calls. She called on DH's phone, which was switched off as he was on leave (she knew this). She didn't then call on my phone, which obviously I would have answered.

She has now told the whole family that they didn’t get to see their GC over Christmas and apparently it’s my fault! The whole family have now turned against me, saying how hurt she is that she didn’t get to see her GC at Christmas and still hasn’t been able to give the DC their presents.

We had a difficult year and I really just wanted a nice big family Christmas. I am feeling really fragile at the moment. I was very ill earlier in the year and now I think I’m suffering from depression, maybe as a side effect of the medication I was on. I cry a lot and struggle to cope. I am trying to work through it and DH is great. No-one else knows as I am very good at pretending everything is OK. The situation with PIL really upsets me. I just wish I knew what the solution was.

Can anybody help me please?

Dear all, it matters to us that you know the truth. We were not invited to Christmas. We had no invitation before 10pm Christmas Eve when I turned my phone off so we assumed pil were away. It did not occur to us that they were home and we were being excluded. Given this event, and that never visits, Invites us over once a , refuses to call Claire ever, and now tells lies about us, we give up. We will look at moving house next year. We welcome contact from anyone in the family as long as they are willing to say a polite hello to Claire.

Did you move house because you wanted to live closer to them or despite it meaning you would live closer?

@timeisnotaline That's perfect, thank you.

In fact, thanks to everyone who has contributed to this thread. I really, really appreciate your support. I was feeling utter despair but I feel a bit better now. Thank you.

Clare, don’t waste your time and tears on these horrible people. I’m sure you’re making a happy family with your dh and dc, and you sound so kind that you must have good friends too. Just give up on those who don’t appreciate you.

I’d seek help with the depression, though - CBT counselling has worked for me.

@FGSJoanWhatsWrongWithYou Yes, we actually moved here to be closer to them. Apparently they were SO EXCITED that we were moving here (according to Aunty) yet have mostly ignored us.

OP do you have any extended family?

ClareVH Your MIL is like mine who will always blame me for everything. If she sent messages to her DS why is it your fault? Whats your DH doing to stop them all turning against you if your MIL is adamant she invited you all via her DS. I was blamed all the time as my DH mother could never accept her DS was an adult with an opinion and I must have turned him. If I were you I would step back and leave your DH to engage with his own family

What's your relationship like with your own family? I am really struggling to see why you're so desperate to keep up a relationship with these people. They clearly thrive off of drama and triangulation- Aunty included.

I would never speak to my husbands Aunt, I'm not sure many people would usually.

This is sad .i feel for you. I bet they are the type of people who think expensive presents are proof they care for the grandchildren rather than spending time with them . I think as a family you don’t need this hassle and should start putting yourselves first.

They live round the corner and your DH didn't know what his parents were doing for Xmas nor if they were even in the country before switching his phone off? And you're suffering because of it? Hmmm

^
This!

Stop communicating with PIL!!
If your DH can't be asked to call/text them why would you?

People have probably said this already but

1. They don't like you and you can't change their minds. They aren't going to tell you that to your face as that's not a very English thing to do.
2. They have to say that they love their grandchildren or people will think that they are monsters.
3. Stop trying so hard! Delete the chat and leave all contact with ILs to your h. It doesn't matter if they blame you because nothing you do will change their minds. Each time they are dicks you should be angry not bending over even more.
4. They don't like you yet you thought that they'd call you to talk to your h? Get a cheap PAYG for him. Why didn't he turn on his phone on Xmas Day to text or phone his sister?
5. What's wrong with your h? Most men wouldn't stand for this crap that his mum is pulling. Most men would tell their sister and aunt that it's his fault not yours and he wasn't invited to Xmas dinner.
6. Why would you want a family Xmas with them when they don't like you and probably prefer it if you weren't family?

From now on you possibly need to organise a family Christmas with your DH and DCs without considering what your in-laws are up to. If your own family are around, include them if you want to, but I suspect you are isolated from your own family because you have not ever mentioned them in your posts.

In that case, build connections to others in the area you have moved to and become independent from your in-laws, who seem to have snubbed you. Or just move if it suits you better.

A family Whats App group is a great idea, it would allow you to send pics of the DCs, with regular updates about how they are doing, so the in laws can respond. It will also mean they cannot argue with the Aunties, SIL and so on that you do not keep in touch. If I were you, I would not have any high hopes it will bring you closer, yet it saves burning bridges with them.

My own DM moved to be near to my DSIS and her children soon after she became a widow in 1994. Our DCs were all young at the time. It soon became apparent that she sought all her social contact from DSIS family and we were not really ever going to be included.

We built our own lives without that family support which would have been nice to have. DM is nearly 90 now and seems to be trying to connect again with our DCs who are now adults and sadly did not get the chance to have much of a relationship with her . The "favourite" GC have moved away from home and she sees very little of them.

Suddenly she has asked our son (34) to visit her after years of not giving two hoots. Too little too late, but DS says he is going to visit and I hope enjoys spending time with his Gran. DD is also going to visit with her partner, it is more than DM deserves IMO but would never interfere.

What exactly is your DH doing in response to her behaviour about Christmas? What actions has he taken with
a) His parents
b) His sister
c) His aunt
d) Other relatives
to refute her lies and defend you? He should be leading on thus and you should not be involved. He needs to man up.

And your DH is stupid enough to let that happen?

After reading further updates I'm going with a MN classic.
It's an old but a goody.

You have a massive DUH problem.

A family WhatsApp group is not the magic solution. DH's family had one between them and bitched that I hadn't joined it, so I joined it, but then they bitched about things I did or didn't say. It was very liberating to delete the whole damn thing.

You can't win. It has to be DH's role to maintain contact with his family (or not).

And I don't see the point of a general announcement either. He's already made his point and the aunt and sister have taken sides. The ship has sailed. He needs to leave them all to it.

Your dh was discourteous not calling them on Christmas Day to wish them a happy birthday. He could have done that from your phone.

They don't much sound like they like you so it's beyond me why you would extend them any Grace and favour.

Step back. Stop caring about them. Dh can manage it from here on in.

Happy Christmas not birthday sorry had crap sleep

You seem massively over invested in all this, and to some extent enjoying the drama about ‘who said what to who’.

Just step back, don’t worry about your ILs, enjoy your life.

You're flogging a dead horse, doing too much wife work. They're not your family, stop doing the work. If DH wants contact to spend time on them and with them step back and let him sort. If he doesn't then that's ok. My in laws don't like me, they have told me and DH so. It was awful to hear, but confirmed what I knew, ultimately liberating because I could set away.
You have an opportunity here to change your behaviour and be happier, or become a martyr, because you're choosing to make effort and push for a fantasy of family life with people who aren't interested.
Any discussion of what and why about Christmas is pointless and will make it worse. You have all failed to communicate effectively with each other because none of you really want to see each other.
Stop pushing.

Your Pil have gone low to No contact I suggest you do the same

Why do you need to tell anyone you are moving, especially if they won’t notice.

Don’t have a board up when you sell.

I would let your dh deal with his family. I certainly wouldn’t have anything to do with them again

Stop giving a shit. Op they are all bloody awful so stop bothering. Your dc do not need toxic people, family or not. Move away and be glad.

Your MIL should not lie. Your MIL should be civil. There should be no expectation that the MIL call anyone but her son. The OP is not her son. I don’t understand the bit about ringing and asking to speak to her son, does OP answer the sons phone ? If so I’d understand the MILs dislike as this would come across as controlling behaviour.

Have they arranged for the DC to get their gifts? If all they say is true then surely they wouldn’t want their idolised GC’s to suffer?

Im guessing you don’t have a landline?

I bet your mil has kept her Xmas tree up just to complain to visitors the dc's presents are still under it!!