PIL and the fall out from Christmas

[ClareVH]

DH and I have been married for 15 years and have 2 DC. His family have never liked me, in spite of me being a nice, normal person and trying very hard to include them in our lives, make them feel welcome in our home, etc. I don’t know why they don’t like me, DH has asked them, but they deny it. We barely see them in spite of moving to be closer to them.

One irritating thing that MIL does is, if I ask her a question, she’ll give her answer to DH, not me. I don’t know why she sidelines me like this, but I find it quite hurtful. If I answer his phone, she’ll say, “I want to speak to my son.” Just refuses to speak to me.

It came to a head over Christmas. I texted MIL early in December to suggest that we should get together for Christmas and put forward an idea. She said she’d think about it and get back to me, but never did and we heard nothing from them. They go away a lot and so DH and I assumed they had decided to go away for Christmas. DH was on leave from Christmas Eve. Due to the nature of his job, he had his phone switched off over Christmas and New Year whilst he was on leave. However, my phone was on the whole time.

We expected that PIL would at least call to speak to the DC over Christmas. But we heard nothing. They live very close to us, so could easily have popped in if they were around, after first calling to check that we were in.

After Christmas, we discovered that they had hosted a nice family Christmas with SIL but had not invited us. I sent a text to MIL basically saying how hurt I was that they didn’t invite us and now all hell has broken loose. MIL lied and said she HAD invited us, via DH, but he’d declined. I remember this phone call as MIL was on speakerphone and she most certainly did not invite us. It’s weird, as in spite of her faults, I have never known MIL to lie before.

She then said that they had popped round but we were out. And now the presents are all sitting “sadly under the tree”. It’s like she’s blaming us for being out when they came round, but had she called me before leaving home, we could have arranged a time that we were in.

She also said that she had called many times over Christmas but that we had ignored her calls. She called on DH's phone, which was switched off as he was on leave (she knew this). She didn't then call on my phone, which obviously I would have answered.

She has now told the whole family that they didn’t get to see their GC over Christmas and apparently it’s my fault! The whole family have now turned against me, saying how hurt she is that she didn’t get to see her GC at Christmas and still hasn’t been able to give the DC their presents.

We had a difficult year and I really just wanted a nice big family Christmas. I am feeling really fragile at the moment. I was very ill earlier in the year and now I think I’m suffering from depression, maybe as a side effect of the medication I was on. I cry a lot and struggle to cope. I am trying to work through it and DH is great. No-one else knows as I am very good at pretending everything is OK. The situation with PIL really upsets me. I just wish I knew what the solution was.

Can anybody help me please?

Say no problem, they have told you enough that they do not like you and you have chosen to listen. But your DH says that as they don’t like his wife he no longer sees them. Your lives will be better. Don’t subject your children to this,

Stop trying at all with them
They're not nice people

Also, your DH in not contacting them over Christmas is himself trying to distance himself from them and go low or no contact. Once his eyes are opened he’ll struggle more and look for you to be the bad guy to cut contact for him, so all those saying why didn’t he phone, why should he? He’s protecting himself and doesn’t want to see them.

They have made it clear that they don't want to communicate via you, they want to speak to their DS and him alone so leave them both to it.

It's very odd that your DH switched his phone off. He could have at least text them Merry Christmas.

You have tried your best. Cut contact. If they ring and speak rudely to you, hang up.

If people bring negativity and upset to your life then don't let them in.
You get nothing from this relationship. They clearly don't like you even if they won't admit it so stop trying so hard to make them like you.
Protect yourself and leave them to it.
They are nasty people.

Had DH put his phone on, loads of work messages would come flooding in. We thought he was heading for a heart attack towards the end of the year with the stress of work, he really did need to disconnect.

My phone is always on though, so everybody knows they can call me if they need to speak to DH.

There's so much wrong here OP.

You moved closer to people who don't like you.
You wanted to have a nice family Christmas with people who don't like you.
You are crying instead of findinh your anger at being treated like this.
Your DH is not supporting you.

I really think yiu need to move away. Could you not move closer to your family? His are toxic.

What bellends. Sorry you're going through this OP - it sounds tough and I hope that you can set the record straight with the other family members!

"your DH says that as they don’t like his wife he no longer sees them."

WTF?!

That's his decision. It sounds as if he's not too bothered about seeing them anyway. But that should come from him. Not because his wife is giving him some stupid ultimatum.

My PILs hate me. They have said nasty shit about me. I never felt it necessary to tell DH he wasn't "allowed" to see them. In fact I encouraged him to try and see if it would be possible to resolve things. It wasn't. But it was his decision not mine.

OP, why doesn't your DH have separate work and personal phones?

Very bizarre.

What @strawberry2017 says ^

This makes no sense

Why do you keep putting yourself in situations with PIL when you will get hurt ?

Madness

Utter madness

Get yourself a copy of the book Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward

Yup, separate personal phone needed. It’s seriously odd that he didn’t contact them or his sister for the whole period.

You need to step back from this, OP, it’s his parents and he can deal, you don’t need to.

The problem is that they give a very different account of things to other family members. For instance, in spite of living a short drive away from us, they never bother with us. They have never taken the DC out, not even to the local park, never buy them anything, or take any interest in how they're doing at school. The DC are very well-behaved, so it's not that they're difficult. The whole of last year they only invited us to their house once, for an event for FIL's birthday.

But when I spoke to an aunty about the whole Christmas fiasco, she said "MIL idolises those children!".

They do what they do. You can't change your PIL

Stop putting yourself in their line of fire and then feeling surprised and hurt when they are who they are

Tell your husband to grow a pair

Go NC with PIL and send regular chatty emails to all the rest of the family bringing them up to date with how the kids are and what's going on.

Your DH needs a separate phone for personal calls. Insisting that all personal calls go through you is not reasonable. Your PIL don't like you. My MIL hates me and I have accepted it. You don't need to be in contact with people who don't like you. You will feel relaxed when you accept that. Focus on all the people who love you, forget those that don't.

You are still very caught up in the family narrative and the drama. What they say, what they tell other people, what everyone thinks. You are going to have to let go of all that if you want to find any kind of calm.

You can't reason with crazy. You just can't. You can't control what everyone else thinks. Your DH may or may not choose to talk to other family members about what's happened. My DH didn't bother, he didn't want to try and get people involved and put them in a position where they felt they had to take sides. Of course the PILs talk nonsense to everyone, it's what they do. Most other people are not stupid and they take it with a pinch of salt. They people who are taken in by it are not worth it.

Read that book that two of us have recommended now!

You assumed/they assumed. All of this could have been cleared up with a phone call from either parter. Both sides are at fault.

Your DH needs to set clear boundaries on how they treat you, though. Totally unacceptable.

There's so much wrong here OP.

You moved closer to people who don't like you.
You wanted to have a nice family Christmas with people who don't like you.
You are crying instead of findinh your anger at being treated like this.
Your DH is not supporting you.

This. Very much this. What you are doing is like self-harm.

You know, I really like my DH's family yet I never initiate or organise any contact. He does it all. It's fine. Step back from this masochistic clinging to people who don't like you Clare. Fuck 'em

Take a big step back. They are not worth getting depressed over. This is for them and your DH to sort out between themselves. It sounds like he needs to have a very honest conversation with them & you should continue to give it space until they are keen to build bridges.
They sound pretty shitty parents / in-laws/GPs to be honest.

They don't have to like you. They didn't marry you.
So stop. Stop trying. Stop seeing them. Just stop.

They claim they DO like me. But there have been so many examples over the years of things that prove that they clearly don't.

What do you say to that?

What everyone keeps saying!
There's no need to endlessly repeat it is there?!
They are toxic. They will say one thing and do another. It's what toxic people do.