PIL and the fall out from Christmas

[ClareVH]

DH and I have been married for 15 years and have 2 DC. His family have never liked me, in spite of me being a nice, normal person and trying very hard to include them in our lives, make them feel welcome in our home, etc. I don’t know why they don’t like me, DH has asked them, but they deny it. We barely see them in spite of moving to be closer to them.

One irritating thing that MIL does is, if I ask her a question, she’ll give her answer to DH, not me. I don’t know why she sidelines me like this, but I find it quite hurtful. If I answer his phone, she’ll say, “I want to speak to my son.” Just refuses to speak to me.

It came to a head over Christmas. I texted MIL early in December to suggest that we should get together for Christmas and put forward an idea. She said she’d think about it and get back to me, but never did and we heard nothing from them. They go away a lot and so DH and I assumed they had decided to go away for Christmas. DH was on leave from Christmas Eve. Due to the nature of his job, he had his phone switched off over Christmas and New Year whilst he was on leave. However, my phone was on the whole time.

We expected that PIL would at least call to speak to the DC over Christmas. But we heard nothing. They live very close to us, so could easily have popped in if they were around, after first calling to check that we were in.

After Christmas, we discovered that they had hosted a nice family Christmas with SIL but had not invited us. I sent a text to MIL basically saying how hurt I was that they didn’t invite us and now all hell has broken loose. MIL lied and said she HAD invited us, via DH, but he’d declined. I remember this phone call as MIL was on speakerphone and she most certainly did not invite us. It’s weird, as in spite of her faults, I have never known MIL to lie before.

She then said that they had popped round but we were out. And now the presents are all sitting “sadly under the tree”. It’s like she’s blaming us for being out when they came round, but had she called me before leaving home, we could have arranged a time that we were in.

She also said that she had called many times over Christmas but that we had ignored her calls. She called on DH's phone, which was switched off as he was on leave (she knew this). She didn't then call on my phone, which obviously I would have answered.

She has now told the whole family that they didn’t get to see their GC over Christmas and apparently it’s my fault! The whole family have now turned against me, saying how hurt she is that she didn’t get to see her GC at Christmas and still hasn’t been able to give the DC their presents.

We had a difficult year and I really just wanted a nice big family Christmas. I am feeling really fragile at the moment. I was very ill earlier in the year and now I think I’m suffering from depression, maybe as a side effect of the medication I was on. I cry a lot and struggle to cope. I am trying to work through it and DH is great. No-one else knows as I am very good at pretending everything is OK. The situation with PIL really upsets me. I just wish I knew what the solution was.

Can anybody help me please?

We have a family WhatsApp group to share news, photos, plans etc, despite for some of us, living in different locations. I thought that's what most families do? Have you guys got one of these?
Your oh needs to get a personal phone.
I'd try to make amends on this occasion. Set up a group and announce "guys, thought this was a good idea to help us share news/plans properly. Sorry OH had his phone off over Christmas. I think that this has added to the communication breakdown. Let's all start afresh for the new year"
If you do this, you are offering an olive branch, starting a new direct line of communication, and can never be blamed again.
If they still don't want to cooperate after this effort, then I'd go NC completely.

He's certainly not a weak, scared person. Just stressed and overworked and needing a break. It honestly didn't occur to us that MIL would not invite us to her Christmas lunch because she didn't want to call me. I am still shocked, to be honest.

Op - people have given you advice about the mobile yet you are still ignoring that. It is odd behaviour for your H to turn off his mobile and to expect his family to contact him via your phone - that makes you look controlling. I think there is more to this than you are saying. Just get another phone for your H to use.

But did you not contact the sister before Christmas?

Why does your DH get so little leave, 2 weeks every 2 years, what sort of job is that?

2 weeks leave every 2 years is not legal

You can get a smart phone for about £40 and a pay as you go rate, which actually you won't even need if you stick to WiFi

He didn't switch the phone off until 10pm on Christmas Eve, when he finished work.

He uses his other 2 weeks for childcare, just the odd day here and there. He doesn't bother to switch his phone off as it's only a day.

You sound far too passive.

Do you want a functioning relationship or not?

If not, great. Sounds sensible given their batshitness. Ignore them, including sil and gossipy aunties. Who gives a fuck what they think. Concentrate on your own family.

If you do want a relationship, then be pro-active. The family WhatsApp suggestion above is a very good one to establish clear lines of cross-family communication. Make that happen.

Phone is a red herring then - I take it back they are nutters.

@Talkingmouse We do have a family WhatsApp group which I set up when we moved. MIL doesn't use it. She will text DH privately, even if it's in response to a conversation I started.

I would get your husband to make a group message with all family members on, write a massive message explain your (as a family not specifically you) POV.

I wouldn't do a short message and wait for a response, get everything out in one message they can read back on.

Have it in black and white that you were not invited, you had contacted MIL to make arrangements and she'd ignored you, and this wasn't an accident as DH didn't turn his phone off until Xmas eve night.

So someone is lying then? If he didn't switch his phone off until late on Christmas Eve, he had been communicating with them up to then. Can you check his phone and see if there was an invitation? Do you think he missed the invite if his work phone is so busy all the time?
Something doesn't add up...
weird and they do sound toxic, but your oh does need to step up and do some damage limitation.

But when I spoke to an aunty about the whole Christmas fiasco, she said "MIL idolises those children!".

In response to which you, of course, adopted a puzzled expression and pointed out that she never comes to see them or invites them over?

We did check his phone and there was nothing. Aunty even suggested that maybe MIL invited us in such a quiet voice that we didn't hear her! Utterly ridiculous. I heard every word of the conversation between DH and MIL and at no point did she invite us. And she clearly said to me in a text message and to Aunty that DH had declined.

I have never known her to lie before, but I think she realises how bad this looks and is trying to pin it on us.

@ClareVH But when I spoke to an aunty about the whole Christmas fiasco, she said "MIL idolises those children!"

PLEASE tell me you corrected her??

OP, thanks for responding...get your Dh to message the WhatsApp Group and state this is the only way of contacting me, please use this and don’t text etc?

Your dh needs to take the lead here generally be more assertive with his family.

But sounds more and more like you are fighting a lost cause...

In response to which you, of course, adopted a puzzled expression and pointed out that she never comes to see them or invites them over?

We both did., DH and I. It actually got a bit heated. I don't think she believes us as apparently MIL loves the DC so much.

Like I said upthread, it's your oh's problem. Let him confront them

But sounds more and more like you are fighting a lost cause...

I think so too, sadly. The DC have even asked why the GC don't like them. But at Christmas they didn't even mention them. The fact that PIL live just down the road and don't bother with them has become normal.

Kids are very robust. If you don’t make a big fuss in their presence about PIL never visiting, it will not register as a ‘thing’ to them. Just ignore pil and never discuss them within your kids earshot.

Cut your losses. I’d be quite pleased that they didn’t want to see me if I were in your position.

They live round the corner and your DH didn't know what his parents were doing for Xmas nor if they were even in the country before switching his phone off? And you're suffering because of it? Hmmm

@crustycrab, they do tend to keep themselves to themselves. They also go on a lot of long overseas holidays, Orient Express-type train journeys, etc. Most of the time they don't tell us.

I used to wonder if it was because me and DH can't afford holidays and they felt awkward because of this, but I'm not sure.

Why are you so bothered and why do you do the running for DH with the likes of the whatsapp group?