Outside perspective on husband and mine argument

[Suzie567]

husband commented today that we should only have our kids birthday parties every 3 years or so. We’ve only had 2 parties so far for eldest (6) and none for second one. Every year he starts an argument at the mention of a party so that’s reason we had very few. His reason is that as a kid he only had party every 3 or 4 years - but as I keep telling him that was 30 years ago! Just for perspective, and not for a boast, we are not struggling for money and are quite comfortable. He really annoyed me today so I kind of lost it and told him the parties are for our kids not for him and it makes me happy organising and planning so what’s his problem. We argued all day and in evening I calmed down and tried to talk to him. I asked why he doesn’t like the idea of parties but he started his usual shouting and screaming at me.

He’s downstairs now sobbing away. I feel really bad that I wish I hadn’t brought up the party but then why can’t my kids have a normal life like their friends. I don’t know how to handle this. Any outside perspective pls.

I agree with sillysmiles. Your family are almost certainly waiting for you to give them the green light to talk about it and are holding back from raising it themselves out of fear that you’ll feel obliged to defend your husband out of misplaced loyalty, and potentially end up even more alienated from you.

Give them the green light, OP. They’re probably desperate to support you.

How would he react if you just threw the party. Your children are suffering now due to this

I so wish people would stop pulling that old tired 'mental issues' card. So he might have some mental issues. SO WHAT?! There are three people: OP and her two small children who are suffering, because an adult twat is sobbing downstairs over a small child's (his child's!) birthday party, screaming and stomping his legs, because he 'doesn't want to discuss it'. Fuck his mental issues. If he needs 'fixing' - he can go and fix it himself, an adult man he is. Not destroy lives of three other people.

He somehow manages to behave like a normal human being with his own family and colleagues. That shows, he very well understands what he's doing and that his behaviour is unacceptable. Such severe 'mental issues' would force him to act the same way with everybody, not just his wife and kids, surely? He's a manipulative knobhead.

I've been clinically depressed and medicated since I was 13 (32 now). I also have anxiety, PTSD, I'm a bit socially awkward (although can pretend well) and very introverted. That doesn't make me behave like a toddlering incoherent twat. I have a daughter, and she does all the normal activities, has friends, visits cousins, celebrates birthdays, Christmases, etc. I suck it up and deal with my 'mental issues' as that's what parents do.

Grown ass man stropping and SOBBING (actually sobbing? I can't get over this) over nothing? Dump him over this alone, OP. You're not his saviour and don't have to sacrifice yours and your children's lives 'fixing' him.

Has he been to the Sistine Chapel recently

No-one's pulling any cards. OP asked for outside perspectives and some people suggested why her dh might be acting so weird. Great that you are dealing so well with your mental health issues. I still wouldn't tell you to "suck it up" if you were struggling more.

Fuck sake. A man sobs and women call him unhinged, twat, controlling... really? Would you say that to a woman or would you show concern?

It’s a fucking disgrace and no wonder male suicides are so high. They aren’t allowed to cry apparently.

I can understand being sensible with parties but I don't really think it warrants an argument.

Ours get a party on alternate years as they are close in age. The one who doesn't get the party gets tea and cake at home with the family. Parties are things like a hall with games or 10 of them at soft play with food after.

Fuck sake. A man sobs and women call him unhinged, twat, controlling... really? Would you say that to a woman?

If she was throwing a tanty about her husband throwing her kids a party because then they would be having more parties than she did as a kid and that's not faaiiiiiir, and then going off to sob noisily about it - damned straight I would.

Fuck sake. A man sobs and women call him unhinged, twat, controlling... really? Would you say that to a woman?

Yes, really. I would say that to a woman who sobbed uncontrollably at the idea of her DD having more parties than she had as a child, absolutely yes. Especially one who has absolutely isolated her partner from friends and family and is able to behave decently when it suits.

^Fuck sake. A man sobs and women call him unhinged, twat, controlling... really? Would you say that to a woman or would you show concern?

It’s a fucking disgrace and no wonder male suicides are so high. They aren’t allowed to cry apparently.^

You misunderstand, he's putting it all on. Because men can sob at fucking will, apparently.

Fuck his mental issues

Well, that's MN and men's mental health in a nutshell, isn't it.

The unhinged fun-sucking twat. Bin him off!

Op you said you dread weekends and don't see yourself growing old with him. You are not happy and life is too short to be unhappy. You and the children deserve better than this please consider your options.

Because men can sob at fucking will, apparently.

I'm sure some can. Just like some women can. And if it's their go-to when they're not getting their way, and meeting some resistance, and they're not very used to that, in particular.

From what you describe your DH may have mental health problems but they seem to be characterological in nature. One example of what causes this is being bullied by a primary care giver while the other parent ignored it or couldn't stop it for whatever reason. You develop ways as a small child of coping with this and if these traumatic experiences continue throughout critical periods in your early development the coping skills you use become part of who you are and tend to be inappropriate for an adult to use. They become a part of your personality. These people rarely change mainly because they lack the abilty to reflect on themselves in a honest manner and medications tend to be unhelfpul. You need to leave this man before he does to your children what may have been done to him in childhood.

Look up covert narcissist, especially covert victim narcissist. I was the same as you and really couldn't understand my ex's behaviour. I thought he has autistic traits or mental health issues but no, he was just a narcissist. I thought mine hated the fights, yelling, trauma but actually he loved it and thrived on it. Watching him switching it on and off after we split was eye opening, he ramped up the abuse after we split. When we were together I got the nice version half the time, after we split I got him about 10% so it was easier to see the cycle of abuse. Three years after the split I still have issues as a result, I feel like I lived with a stranger for 8 years. It's all about control and manipulation and they are very, very, very clever. Isolating you from your family is very concerning.

Sobbing is a bit of an overreaction! If you enjoy doing them and can afford them what is the issue?!

Personally though I don't disagree with him entirely - you said We had nothing growing up that’s why I want my kids to have happy memories of parties etc but as someone that had a birthday party every year, I only have some vague snippets of memories of birthday parties and genuinely couldn't tell you if they were mine or other children's. I think sometimes adults attach a bit too much importance to 'making memories' and engineer opportunities to do so, forgetting that our brains are weird and we usually remember random things, or merge them together.

I remember my birthday cakes, but that's mainly because of the photos!

Yanbu, he sounds over-dramatic and selfish.

MH issues are not an excuse for screaming at you, isolating you from your family, and depriving your children of social events.

I think you should tell him that he needs to get help immediately, or you're out the door.

Thanks for comments everyone. I have been sympathetic to him for nearly 10 years. As one poster said I sometimes think he had autistic traits but it’s really difficult to pin point. I know I need an exit strategy. My self esteem is very low at the moment, lowest it’s ever been. I feel isolated and not my best physically. I think my way forward is to work on my self esteem by loosing a bit of weight and focus on the next birthdays for my kids. One poster is right the kids won’t remember them fully! So something nice and small even if it’s just a day trip with just us 4. Thank you so much everyone. I swing between feeling sorry for my husband and despising him. I think best way forward is to just focus on my kids first and slowly build up my self esteem. Hopefully in time husband will start opening up to me.

You'll find it hard to build yourself up while exposed to this behaviour and treading on eggshells around him.

You've got to think about the example he's setting your dc. The environment he's creating for your dc to grow up in. The damage it does living with inconsistency and mood swings, never knowing what someone is going to be like from minute to minute. it's your job to protect their mental health and your own. That might mean getting the hell out.

How much does your husband weigh? Because there's a really quick way to lose a hell of a lot of dead weight.

@category12 - yes I understand what I mean.

@mbosnz - lol!

Sorry you mean not I mean

I found that counselling just for myself (not joint), helped enormously to build up my self esteem. This had a direct knock on effect on my dh. We are in a much better place now, because i moved into a head space where i was no longer tiptoeing round him, which means that i can now address issues rather than hope they go away while i lose another layer of self confidence.
You do sound beaten, planning a party for next year (not this year), hoping your dh will open up to you. Honestly, if nothing changes, then nothing will change.

@HairyDogsOfThigh thanks. Yes I think counselling just for myself might work. He’s not to blame for everything; yes he does isolate me from my family but I also isolate myself from people further. I Could meet friends for coffee etc. But I feel exhausted all the time and I think getting healthy will help our relationship in long run as I can learn to ignore his comments and just trust my judgements.