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Original poster

Outside perspective on husband and mine argument

267 replies

Suzie567 · 12/01/2020 21:20

husband commented today that we should only have our kids birthday parties every 3 years or so. We’ve only had 2 parties so far for eldest (6) and none for second one. Every year he starts an argument at the mention of a party so that’s reason we had very few. His reason is that as a kid he only had party every 3 or 4 years - but as I keep telling him that was 30 years ago! Just for perspective, and not for a boast, we are not struggling for money and are quite comfortable. He really annoyed me today so I kind of lost it and told him the parties are for our kids not for him and it makes me happy organising and planning so what’s his problem. We argued all day and in evening I calmed down and tried to talk to him. I asked why he doesn’t like the idea of parties but he started his usual shouting and screaming at me.

He’s downstairs now sobbing away. I feel really bad that I wish I hadn’t brought up the party but then why can’t my kids have a normal life like their friends. I don’t know how to handle this. Any outside perspective pls.

OP posts:
LifeInAHamsterWheel · 13/01/2020 14:46

Your latest updated answered my question OP, I had wondered how he behaves when his family visit, or are the histronics reserved for your family only Hmm and it seems that is the case. It sounds more like control than MH issues to be honest. Please start to look at the relationship the way we, unbiased outsiders, look at it. And get the help you need to separate from this man, he is not making you (or your children I'd imagine) happy.

Luaa · 13/01/2020 14:46

Your daughter is excited about her birthday, but you're going to let her man-child of a father win and not give her a party this year? You need to put your children first.

ravenmum · 13/01/2020 14:53

For the poster above who said that him crying, screaming and slamming doors can't be the result of anxiety - of course, it might very well not be (he certainly hasn't used it as an excuse) - but yes, anxiety can manifest in mood swings etc:
www.healthline.com/health/hypervigilance#symptoms
tiny snippet: "You may fear judgment from others, or you may judge others extremely harshly. This may develop into black-and-white thinking in which you find things either absolutely right or absolutely wrong. You can also become emotionally withdrawn. You may experience mood swings or outbursts of emotion."

No, you can't switch it on and off, but certainly there might be a huge difference between visits from your own family (who you think like you) and visits from your partner's family (if you suspect them of judging you, for instance). And you might be OK with going out to social events, where you can theoretically leave when you want, but hate others visiting you, because you are stuck with them until they go.

This is all pure speculation, though. If he won't/can't tell you anything or do anything to improve matters, then you are going to have to do some of the things that you can do to improve your situation. That does not include changing him or giving in (aka enabling).

Original poster
Suzie567 · 13/01/2020 14:57

@ravenmum thanks I’ll take a read of the link when I get a chance.

OP posts:
Chloemol · 13/01/2020 15:09

I would just try and have a conversation again once he has stopped his sobbing. Put across you point that you didn’t have any, that all their friends have annual parties, that it’s something to celebrate, and could differentiate the children at school and lead to bullying, does he really want that? Then suggest if no party then a day out with a couple of close friends and a cake at home one year, party the next

He’s being selfish in not allowing his kids to celebrate the birthday

CousinKrispy · 13/01/2020 15:10

You don't have to grow old with him, OP. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

TheReef · 13/01/2020 15:18

Having mental health issues is no excuse for being an arse, and he is being a huge fun sponge.

I've suffered mh issues and would never dream of stopping my family doing something that makes them happy. But it might mean I don't attend.

If it is mh issues then he needs to accept there's a problem and be prepared to do something about it. You can't fix him and you and your dc shouldn't miss out as a result

PracticallyFamous · 13/01/2020 15:26

OP my DH suffers from diagnosed depression and social anxiety. Parties and get-togethers are his idea of hell. More often I'll go to things alone, but if it's something really important to me he'll make the effort. When they were younger he would never, ever, see his children go without something they were looking forward to and was feasible to do for them because of his issues. It might take some psyching himself up and then a bit of a controlled 'collapse' afterwards to recover, but he'll do it when it matters to his family.

The differences are 1) he's a nice person who doesn't use it as manipulation; 2) he engages with MH professionals, has insight into his conditions and is compliant with treatment; 3) he's open to discuss social situations with me like an adult.

Yes, it could be a MH issue underpinning your DH's case. But that is not an automatic pass to treat you and your children as inferior to his wants, or to isolate you from your family, or to manipulate situations to his advantage, and it does people managing challenging MH conditions a disservice to give the impression that poor MH = acting like an arsehole.

IncrediblySadToo · 13/01/2020 15:28

It’s NOT at all clear he has Menral Health issues.

He has idiotic, controlling twat issues. He can control it when his family are there, just not the OP’s.

@Suzie567. You need to leave (better still get him
To) he’s destroying your life and your kids lives- you & your kids deserve so much more than ‘existing’

Don’t be upset with your family, they’re pretending it’s normal because you do and they don’t want to upset you or make him angry with you. Let them help you get away from this horrible way of existing.

pasanda · 13/01/2020 15:31

Fuck me. What is it with these men I keep reading about on MN.

OP I think you are answering your own questions through this thread.

Please don't deny your excited dd a birthday party because of him. A kids party is really not that bigger deal. He is making it such a big deal you are even thinking of not doing one at all this year. You know that is wrong. Celebrate her birthday like millions of other families do for their dc. It's normal!

Whynosnowyet · 13/01/2020 15:32

My exh ruined any occasion that didn't centre around him.
My 40 th we had a garden tea party. Low key but fun.
He started huffing for people to leave as he wanted to go on the new xbox game he had bought himself for my birthday. I got a necklace I had gone and bought myself.
I had filed for divorce before my 41st...
Op I diagnose your dh with the same condition.
Twatism. Pure and simple.
Ltb.

SantaIsReal · 13/01/2020 15:45

What age is he?! He doesn't get his own way so he screams, shouts and sobs?!

Just go ask your DD for a list of guests and start planning her a party, Stick a dummy in his mouth and tell him to start acting like a grown up! Jeez talk about an over-reaction Confused

LimpLettice · 13/01/2020 15:46

Thing is, OP, you make it sound like he can turn it on and off depending in who is viewing the behaviour, which is what makes it manipulative bullshit to my mind. He makes you feel like crap, comfort eating, not seeing family, not treating your kids, but would never dare in front of others? It's not an uncontrollable condition then, is it?

He doesn't want to talk about it because he KNOWS he's being extremely unreasonable and manipulative. It really struck me from your first post that he said he only had a party every few years, so she is not allowed any more than he had. Which is a nasty attitude to have towards your own kids.

Mandarinfish · 13/01/2020 15:54

OP, please don't give up on DD's birthday party this year. She's excited about it and you'll be letting her down - I don't mean to sound over dramatic, but it's a big deal for kids of that age.

When you say "he doesn't care and doesn't want to discuss it", do you mean he doesn't care any more whether you have a party or not? Or that he doesn't care that you're upset about it?

billy1966 · 13/01/2020 16:58

OP, all he suffers from is being a nasty, selfish controlling twat.

Your family know exactly what he's like and are probably desperately trying to stay in your life, knowing he has been progressively isolating you for years.

Tell your sister and your mother the full truth of what you are enduring.

Let them help you.

He's never going to be a decent kind human being.

He's vermin as far as I'm concerned.

Your children will become acutely aware of his behaviour the older they grow.

Tell your family.
Make a plan.
Move on.

Do not waste any further time trying to fix the unfixable.
💐

Original poster
Suzie567 · 13/01/2020 17:08

Thank you for your messsges it really is helping me realise what I already knew that he should be putting kids happiness. I think he means he doesn’t care about discussing it. I’ve tried again to talk to him and he’s at least responded - he said “there’s more to life than fucking parties”! I know there’s more to life but for a child that’s their excitement

OP posts:
Original poster
Suzie567 · 13/01/2020 17:11

I don’t feel talking to mum and sisters will help. They have their own stuff going on and if they wanted to talk about it they’ve had numerous times they’ve witnessed his behaviour.

OP posts:
NettleTea · 13/01/2020 17:13

there isnt if you are 8 years old

I agree with others that this is about his need to control and isolate you, and to throw a massive strop if you do anything that isnt centring him

Just do it. Just invite friends round, invite family. Dont let him cut you off and dont let him cut the kids off. You are going to need that support when you leave him

mbosnz · 13/01/2020 17:17

If it matters so little that the kids have a party, then it matters even less if he doesn't want them to have one. It's a bigger deal to a kid to not have a party than it should be to a spoilt not so little brat to deny his children this simple pleasure.

Does he ever think about anybody but his not so pleasant self?

Amaretto · 13/01/2020 17:18

I hate parties for children. Both my dcs always have had parties of one type or the one. Some whole class, some with a few friends, sme wth just family.
Because thats what you do as a parent. you do things that you dint enjoy because you know your dc will enjoy them. Also sometimes, because you dint want them to feel left out/different. Why does everyone else have a paty and I dont? type of questionning.

MsTSwift · 13/01/2020 17:20

So odd. And actually there are only a few years where parties are a big deal by 11/12 they often don’t want them anymore and prefer to have a few pals taken for a treat. We have happy memories of the party years as I do if my own childhood parties. What a weirdo

Amaretto · 13/01/2020 17:22

I’ve tried talking to him again but his response is he doesn’t care and doesn’t want to discuss it

I coud understand the idea of him sobbing etc... ebibg aH issue. But that above is NOT. Nor i being able to behave perfectly in fort of eveyine else bar his dwife.

and even IF this ws a MH issue, this doesnt mean that he can use you as an emotional punching ball. Nor that your dcs shouod miss out on big things just because he has decided that they shouodn have any.
To me, he sounds like a bully, my way or the highway, more than anything else

sillysmiles · 13/01/2020 17:26

I don’t feel talking to mum and sisters will help. They have their own stuff going on and if they wanted to talk about it they’ve had numerous times they’ve witnessed his behaviour.

They possibly are afraid to bring it up as you are already isolated from them and they don't want to increase that isolation. You need to give them signals you are ready to talk about it.

ravenmum · 13/01/2020 17:26

There's A LOT more to life than scrabbling around trying to keep a miserable spoilsport happy.

mummmy2017 · 13/01/2020 17:34

You tell him, that this subject is nol ongerb in his control.
Your child will be having parties.
I think I would invite some friends to a pub with play area, for tea, after school.
Tell him if he wants to sob about it he can, that he is not invited but as he said your no longer discussing it.
Since he doesn't do this Infront of his family I think he is abusive towards you, being passive aggressive, to get his own way.