Outside perspective on husband and mine argument

[Suzie567]

husband commented today that we should only have our kids birthday parties every 3 years or so. We’ve only had 2 parties so far for eldest (6) and none for second one. Every year he starts an argument at the mention of a party so that’s reason we had very few. His reason is that as a kid he only had party every 3 or 4 years - but as I keep telling him that was 30 years ago! Just for perspective, and not for a boast, we are not struggling for money and are quite comfortable. He really annoyed me today so I kind of lost it and told him the parties are for our kids not for him and it makes me happy organising and planning so what’s his problem. We argued all day and in evening I calmed down and tried to talk to him. I asked why he doesn’t like the idea of parties but he started his usual shouting and screaming at me.

He’s downstairs now sobbing away. I feel really bad that I wish I hadn’t brought up the party but then why can’t my kids have a normal life like their friends. I don’t know how to handle this. Any outside perspective pls.

OP please don't leave it this year, it's just going to encourage him.

Can you have a small party outside your home? That seems the obvious compromise.

Well, have parties when he's not there.
I personally wouldn't have a party every bday for my DC, instead mix with days out/ cinema etc. But I found it hard to control overexcited DCs

But his behaviour is odd. Did he get locked in the wardrobe/ bullied by another child/ ordered to behave (eg not win at games, open his pressies later) by his DM/ some other unpleasant occurrence at one of his parties?? I would try to 'chat' about it with his DPs and siblings to find out.

Please don't leave having a party this year , how unfair is that on the DC ? They ask for a party and you have to say no as daddy doesn't want you to have one , how much will that confuse them - their own dad doesn't want them to have a fun party?! Please don't give in to him, he is manipulative. What is your day to day life like living with him? From what you have posted he sounds no fun at all and very hard work which is not how a marriage should be.

You poor thing. YOu sound too exhausted to even deal with it all. And you are. Take time to wonder if this is what you want, lifelong. It's time to talk to people, read some books, and maybe make a long-term plan to orchestrate a life for yourself and your kids that is a happier one. More than a happier one: A peaceful one! Love really is when someone let's you be you and accepts you for wanting to have birthday bashes for the kids every year, even if this is like nails on a blackboard for your DH (and I am sure for my DH, the annual birthday parties and millions of sleepovers really are like nails on a blackboard). These lovely memories should be allowed for, for the sake of your kids. It's their childhood, their time. What memories of this very short time (with such lasting effects!) do you want them to have?

I'd really like to know what his parents were like with him.

Why will you leave it this year?? Why prioritise his stupid selfishness over your child’s happiness?

Hi OP. Not withstanding your husband's selfish manipulative behaviour, I just wanted to mention the party aspect.

I have 2 dc age 9 and 13. I HATE parties for kids. But my kids love them. And it is the one day they feel really special and get to share that with their friends. And as they've got older it changes anyway. Last year we had a garden party for dd13. She only had 3 mates round and we lit the fire pit, set up lights in the garden and served them drinks from the garden bar (soft drinks only). She honestly felt like a million dollars that day and I wouldn't take that memory from her for anything. Learning to socialise and to share events with your friends is an irreplaceable part of childhood. It cements her friendships and strengthens her bonds.

There are very few years where the traditional 'games and parties' are even wanted and I beg you not to let them pass. The joy in their faces is worth the angst. Your little 6year old is in the prime of party time. Don't miss another year, even if it's just 4 friends for pizza and cake round your table. It's worth the effort I promise. Sometimes we take them out to soft play or trampolining or other stuff but let them bring some friends. It's having friends to share the day with that makes it so special for them. After all this day is about them, not you and not your childish husband.

OP let your DC have a party this year, for goodness sake! Your DH can go to a cafe or something if he can’t cope being in the house at that time.

I wonder how his behaviour is effecting your children.
Don’t let him isolate you or your DCs any further. Your children deserve a happy, normal childhood.

Please let your children have some sort of party to celebrate their birthdays. If this continues, I can see them dreading their birthday every year as it makes them remember the histrionics involved with their dad.

Does your H hold down a job? Does he react lithe same at work when things don't go his way?

it’s an underlying issue rather than him being manipulative
It's not one or the other. It's both. He's manipulating you (subconsciously perhaps) because he has psychological problems.

Is it just me that thinks this is not a normal reaction and that there might be underlying problems or trauma? If my other half of however many years was sobbing over something that would set off major alarm bells for me and I would want to get to the bottom of it..

I don't know how you can live like this, OP. Doesn't it revolt you getting into bed with a man who literally tantrums like a child to get his own way, to the detriment of his own kids? If he has social anxiety, why can't he just go somewhere else while you deal? Wtf would you deprive a 6 year old of something fun and normal because he is sobbing over it? He may well have underlying issues but he sounds incredibly abusive to me.

If you won't get shot of him, I'd manage him like the tantrummy baby he is. Don't back down, calmly offer alternatives that suit you, don't engage in tears or tantrums. Put your DD first, tell him that's what you're doing, if he doesn't want to engage to make plans fine, but you will not be ruining things for her over a sobbing man child.

Anxiety or no anxiety, what kind of selfish prick won't let his child have a birthday party? What an idiot...

Can't you tell him to piss off for a day if he's so precious? He can go and do his own stupid thing whilst you all enjoy a celebration, right?

Oh, scratch that. Can see from the later posts that that's obviously not the case.

If you give up on having a party this year for your daughter, who is already excited about the possibility of one, then you are telling him exactly how he can control you to get his own way above your daughter's happiness. What an arse he is. Don't give in. Have the party. Show him that you won't be dominated at the expense of your children's happiness.

Why can there not be a compromise? Hes acting irrationally (screaming and shouting) I assume he feels like he's not being heard because it's the same argument every year. That doesnt give him the right to shout at you. Do you end off have the party?

How we do it; big party at 1. Another when they start school so 4/5. Then again at 11.

On their birthday they are allowed a few friends over for pizza. I wouldnt see it as a party, just a day, they have decided what they would like to do, this is done at the weekend (the week of their birthday)
We buy a cake every birthday and have it as a family after dinner.

If it's social anxiety then that can be easily solved. Organise a bouncy castle party at your local leisure centre (or similar) and have the whole thing take place outside of your home. He can come or not, no disruption at all. I wouldn't even ask him, I'd just tell him you've booked it. If he still has a problem with it then it's pretty clear there is something else at play.

Please don't let it go this year, it will only perpetuate the dynamic. He's wearing you down and it's working.

There is a huge difference between someone who is introverted and someone who is wholly intolerant and fixated on getting their own way all the time.

I feel incredibly sorry that you are married to someone who is determined to suck the joy out of a genuinely lovely situation. Your child's birthday FFS.

I would react so badly to being treated like this and I would go ahead and organise the party. Make sure it's at a location away from the house and tell him you don't want him there.

I would seriously re evaluate your relationship with this douche. Easier said than done but this is no way to live.

My kids didn’t have parties every year-they are expensive. We always did something though.

Sobbing seems a bizarre overreaction though.

I'm sorry, but he's been given every opportunity to explain why he feels the way he feels, but won't even put the effort into that.

I'd be saying, you can boohoohoo all you want, mate, but I'd rather you boohoohooing because the kids are having a party, than them yet again missing out because of your unreasonable, childish, downright selfish tantrums.

It will be on this date, at this time, with this many people invited, I will be doing all the work, and if you're going to be a miseryguts about it and rain on their innocent wee parade, then you will be told to piss right off. And possibly not come back.

Honestly. Parent up, you idiot! (Him, not you OP). But then, I am occasionally (not so much) somewhat blunt and devoid of patience with histrionics.

OP I know you’ve had lots of comments but I wanted to give you my experience.
I didn’t have a happy childhood. My parents were controlling and manipulative. I have very few truly happy memories.
Those I do have include my birthday parties. I realise now it was my mother’s way of showing off but I always had a party, every year, even if it was just a few friends at home and cake.
It meant a lot at the time and still does.
For this reason I always have a party for my children. I love giving them a party and hope they will remember the joy from them.
Please don’t let him bully you into not doing parties this year or going forward.

You may be moving into the territory of moving away from asking 'why does he do that' into asking yourself 'how much longer will i put up with it'.

Do your family live close enough you could host at their house? Because I'd not have him around to sabotage or cause embarrassment, but I'd absolutely be making sure a party happened this year.

I think you have greater concerns you need to think about wrt your husband and marriage. But don't have your kids missing out anymore.

Sorry but just tell him there's a party, end of. It doesn't need to be a big decision/compromise

my sisters and MIL wanted to have a baby shower for my first pregnancy but he didn’t like it.

That’s horrible of him. Surely he won’t have even been invited to a baby shower anyway. So what’s it got to do with him. And trying to stop your own DC having a birthday party. He’s really mean.