Outside perspective on husband and mine argument

[Suzie567]

husband commented today that we should only have our kids birthday parties every 3 years or so. We’ve only had 2 parties so far for eldest (6) and none for second one. Every year he starts an argument at the mention of a party so that’s reason we had very few. His reason is that as a kid he only had party every 3 or 4 years - but as I keep telling him that was 30 years ago! Just for perspective, and not for a boast, we are not struggling for money and are quite comfortable. He really annoyed me today so I kind of lost it and told him the parties are for our kids not for him and it makes me happy organising and planning so what’s his problem. We argued all day and in evening I calmed down and tried to talk to him. I asked why he doesn’t like the idea of parties but he started his usual shouting and screaming at me.

He’s downstairs now sobbing away. I feel really bad that I wish I hadn’t brought up the party but then why can’t my kids have a normal life like their friends. I don’t know how to handle this. Any outside perspective pls.

Weekday parties sound like a good idea. I think this year I’ll leave it but from next year I will make sure there’s a party every year

But your daughter is excited at having a party... and why not? You're happy to organise one, and you can afford it.

Are you really going to prioritise your husband's tantrum over your daughter's excitement at having a party?

It doesn't have to be big - 6-8 guests perhaps? And your husband doesn't need to be there.

He's a fun sponge OP, and worse still, he's a selfish fun sponge. He'll suck the life out of everything good.

Tbh it sounds like he hates having any attention taken off him, be it kids parties, you
being poorly, pregnancy, you get the picture

Ffs don't not have a party this year, just arrange it, and don't invite him (he'll only ruin it anyway). Your dc will only be this age once and you'll lose this time. And so will your dc.

Or just take your dd somewhere with 4 other children, take a small cake with you. Kids play area, trampolining?

You are a mother, your children should come first. If he doesn’t like parties, fine - have one without him. I hated hosting children’s parties, and my husband was often working, but we still had them - when old enough we went to quazar, or McDonalds, or soft play, or 5-a-side football at the leisure centre or something that didn’t involve me organising all the activities, but it’s important for the children, and he should not get to impose his issues on them. Grow a backbone and let him sort his own issues out like a normal adult

What about a party at a play barn? No kids or parents will come to your house, the play barn does all the organising and your DH does not even have to attend. Kids will love it.

I agree with others that if you back down on giving your dd a party this year, your DH will have achieved his desired outcome through behaving like a complete arse. This makes arse like behaviour increasingly likely in the future.

As a short term solution can you just say to him you understand if he doesnt want to attend a party and host it yourself? Arrange it out of the house so it's not invading his space? If its genuine social anxiety and he cant cope with lots of people in his safe place then he should be happy with that solution

Do Not forgo the party this year because of this.
The longer you leave this and don't get it sorted out, the worse his silly behaviour and control will escalate.
Life with a fun sucker is a miserable one, give your kids a little happiness.

I think this year I’ll leave it

Please don’t! The years they enjoy parties are so short in reality.

If he has an issue with people in his space, book soft play or a hall.

^^. This. Don’t let him spoil another birthday

But your children are missing out.
If my DH said there was not going to be a party end of, I would say there IS going to be a party end of. He is not your boss.

Maybe he doesn't want a load of kids in the house?

Personally I would book a local party like a ball park or a pub with an activity and hold it there. He doesn't have to go. He doesn't have to be affected in any way. He can keep out of it all. There will be no mess in the house. There will be nothing for you to clean up.

But your husband has some kind of odd thing going on there for sure.

Your kids will come to dread birthdays.

You need to calmly tell him that he needs assessing by a mental health specialist as his behavior is affecting you and in the future your kids and your relationship and this is a deal breaker for you. By the sounds of it a child psychiatrist would be a good fit. His behavior is utterly bizarre esp as you describe his antics with your sister in the home

My ex hated other people coming round, hated other people’s kids, said he hated social situations BUT had worked behind a bar/as a bar manager for over a decade. He managed at work to be sociable just fine. You know what I did when we were together??? I had people and their kids over. I had family over. It wasn’t constant but I wasn’t becoming isolated in my own home just because he was content with a tv and four walls.

When we split I did a couple of full class parties (so about 40 kids with extras) in a local village hall. I told him I expected him to attend and help out. Despite it being his biggest nightmare he did it as that’s what his children wanted. This is what people do when they don’t like something but they know their child will. What your OH is doing is pure manipulation. Crying EVERY time you disagree??? Behaving towards your sister like that??? He’s rude and he doesn’t value you.

"DH - we are having a party on Tuesday between 2 and 4 for dd. I don't expect you to be there but if you want to come of course we will be delighted" .

Repeat for every occasion.

Screaming and banging doors os not acceptable when your sister/anyone visits.

You have money - anytime he kicks off - "DH I can see you need some space. I am going to stay in X hotel. . Call me when you feel better and I will come home."

No debates, not fight but also, no tolerance. Bet he will start to change quite quickly.

I feel like I’ve wasted my whole day today. I dropped eldest to school and I’ve sat here stuffing my face as I’m eating my emotions away as I often do. He’s working from home and I’ve tried talking to him again but his response is he doesn’t care and doesn’t want to discuss it. I really can’t live like this.

Someone said he’s not the boss of you and I think that’s good advice I should just not discuss anything with him and just do as I please but this is not the kind of marriage I wanted. I know men don’t care about parties but I should be able to at least talk to him about stuff and not have him say no you’re not having parties. It’s just not parties he just doesn’t share or get involved in anything. He doesn’t talk to me or kids and just stays in his own world.

The person whose saying he’s not got mental issues and I’m showing disregard for people who have actual mental issues I do genuinely think he does have something wrong. This is not normal behaviour at all. Whenever his family visit I’m a good host and am pleasant with them. He has apologised for all the times he’s been rude to my family and other visitors.

I’m just so exhausted and tired with him. I feel there’s no enjoyment in life with him. I just feel I dread the weekends as it’s a whole 2 days with him doing fuck all. I’m so bored with my life with him there literally no pony looking forward to anything.

*point not pony again. Bloody autocorrect

From a different perspective, your children's friends may start to wonder why they never get invited to your children's parties (they won't know the reason or may think your child is having a party that they didn't get invited to) which in turn could mean, your children won't be invited to theirs in future.

Please don't let your husband ruin your children's lives, by being a mean manipulative prick, it will only get worse and this behaviour rolls into other events and situations.

Put your big girl pants on and organise a party that your dd will love. You're an adult, you don't need his permission. He doesn't take you into consideration, so don't him. Fine he doesn't want to discuss is it anymore, then don't

Life is way too short to live like this!

OP, you sound ground down and utterly miserable.

He sounds like a horrible, miserable, controlling, bullying, isolating, selfish prick.

Is this really the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Talk to your family.
Make a plan.
Move on.
💐

It’s not just the party anymore I just can’t imagine growing old with him. There’s so much I’ve missed already in my life as he’s isolated me from my family. My kids are starting to miss things, he doesn’t like their cousins coming around so my kids have no bond with their cousins.

I just don’t understand why he is making life so shit for all of us. Surely by arguing with me he’s making his own life crap too as it’s a horrible atmosphere here right now. It can’t be nice for him sobbing away. I really feel like shaking done dense into him. He refuses to discuss anything and shuts down all conversations. Sorry I’m going on and on now I’m just so angry and confused. He’s such a little weasel!

Thanks @billy1966 that’s what I was thinking

It's fairly clear that he is suffering from pretty serious mental health issues.

And you're all here calling him 'unhinged', 'fun sucker' and various other insults.

slow handclap

No wonder men's mental health has become such a problem.

I completely agree that the situation is shit for the OP, and things need to change. But some of your attitudes and language are appalling.

Could your DD‘s birthday party take place at your parents?

I don’t think (might be wrong so pls correct) that you can switch mental health on and off. I do think there’s something wrong with him but then why can he “behave normally” when it suits him and behave like a lunatic when it doesn’t. He’s never dared slammed the doors when his family visit. He goes to social events with his work and his siblings. I’m just confused it would help if he talked so I could understand but he doesn’t. He does realise he’s wrong as he apologies for things.

My parents live 4 hours away, dd friends wouldn’t be able to go there.