Outside perspective on husband and mine argument

[Suzie567]

husband commented today that we should only have our kids birthday parties every 3 years or so. We’ve only had 2 parties so far for eldest (6) and none for second one. Every year he starts an argument at the mention of a party so that’s reason we had very few. His reason is that as a kid he only had party every 3 or 4 years - but as I keep telling him that was 30 years ago! Just for perspective, and not for a boast, we are not struggling for money and are quite comfortable. He really annoyed me today so I kind of lost it and told him the parties are for our kids not for him and it makes me happy organising and planning so what’s his problem. We argued all day and in evening I calmed down and tried to talk to him. I asked why he doesn’t like the idea of parties but he started his usual shouting and screaming at me.

He’s downstairs now sobbing away. I feel really bad that I wish I hadn’t brought up the party but then why can’t my kids have a normal life like their friends. I don’t know how to handle this. Any outside perspective pls.

I don’t think he’s crying to be manipulative or traumatic experience I think it’s just cos we argued and that’s how he copes with arguments. It’s no pony trying to be rational with him as his personality is that once he decides that’s it. I think he might be a little spoilt as family pander to him.

Hmm And you don’t think this behaviour is manipulative? Manipulative just means an attempt to get your own way. Which you say his family have always given in to.

Honestly, I’d ignore him and carry on planning the party.

If he can’t behave better than a child then he’ll have to be treated like one, I guess. Once he’s ready to join the grown-ups in a proper discussion of whatever issues he has then fine, listen to him then.

It does seem like a very extreme reaction to a very normal family event.

What sort of environment is this for your dc to grow up in? With screaming arguments over minor issues, and him loudly crying in the aftermath?

Sobbing? Is the kids party the real issue here or is there something else going on?

What kind of a party do you want?

I can understand reasons for not wanting a party, cost, hassle of organising and cleaning up afterwards but surely the happy memories and celebrating your child outweighs this.

I think its a bit sad really that he doesnt want to do this, its only once a year for their childhood years.

Can you compromise? Maybe come up with an alternative way to celebrate?

I really don’t know how to deal with him or the situation anymore. I feel like he sucks out all happiness from everything. I don’t want to get to the point where I just give up and dont do anything for my kids anymore. My daughter loves going to parties and got excited today thinking of her birthday that’s coming up very soon. It’s not fair on her when her cousins and friends have parties every year

Honestly, I can’t quite understand how you both “argued all day” about it, and why it took you until the evening to “calm down” and why you say “his usual shouting and screaming” as if this is perfectly OK.

It’s a birthday party for a 6 or 7 year old, not WW3. How has it escalated like this? Do you argue over other things?

feel like he sucks out all happiness from everything.

Does he always need to have his own way?

Does he sulk, or otherwise make sure plans he disagrees with fail?

What is the rest of your relationship like?

Well I have comprised all these years and for 4 of them we’ve taken DD to day trips instead of parties. We’ve only had 2 parties so far

He has two options:

Be a good father, suck up whatever issue he has or talk about it like an adult and then get over it for his children' s sake and have the party.

Or if he is that against it fuck off on the day/hide in the bedroom and let them enjoy it without taking part.

His experience is not law .

Crikey he sounds totally ridiculous, if he were my DH, I would just ignore and arrange the party, all children should celebrate their birthday. It wasn't common place to only have a party every three years, 30 years ago either. I'm in my early fifties and had a birthday tea party every year up to the age of about 13, after that it was a few friends to the cinema, as did all my friends and none of us was well off.

He had a party every 3 or 4 years..? The lucky lucky bastard...! . i cant recall having one at all...i dunno,some people have all the luck..

So you do give in to him? Because his manipulation is succeeding.

If you've noticed this is having a detrimental impact on your children then it's time to stop burying your head in the sand by giving into his controlling behaviour.

They deserve better. So do you.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Maybe I could have handled it better today and just walked off and calmed down. But I wanted his reasons for not wanting a party and he just kept saying he doesn’t want one without giving an actual reason apart from that’s how he wants it and end of.

So....

He prioritises his wishes above your child's excitement about her birthday.
He argues with you but won't explain his reasons for the position he holds.
He shouts and screams when not getting his own way.
When the shouting and screaming doesn't work her sobs.
He sucks all the happiness out of everything.

At best he sounds about 4 years old. You describe him as having been spoilt - he sounds like someone who is used to getting his own way and developed strategies to make sure this is the case.

You hadn't compromised, you've capitulated.

The more you post the more it just sounds like he or both of you just have no idea how to have a normal relationship. Is that accurate?

I'm struggling to imagine what you managed to argue about ALL day regarding a kids party? Did it turn into name calling etc? What on earth was there to discuss?

The elephant in the room is also, I suppose, the question of why you had kids with someone who apparently routinely screams his head off at you all day, and then cries loudly in another room, in the event of an argument. If that is his norm, he probably has significant deficits in normal interpersonal skills, possibly underlying mh issues.

Why are you with him? What are the good points that exist outside situations like these that caused you to agree to have kids with him?

What’s he like about everything else? Can you usually agree things together?

I asked why he doesn’t like the idea of parties but he started his usual shouting and screaming at me.

He’s downstairs now sobbing away

he sounds unhinged. and not very nice - his USUAL shouting and screaming at you? Why are you putting up with that?

I'm also in my 50s and had a birthday party at home every year. As did my sibling. up until age about 12. then did something else that was nice.

I can't get my head around a man who would argue all day shouting and screaming and then sobbing about hosting a birthday party at home for his primary age child. There is something wrong with him.

in the short term, ignore and organise the party and tell him he can go out for the day if he wants. in the longer term .... I know what I'd be thinking ...

OH hated Christmas for several good reasons. As DD got older and got more aware,excited etc. he did his best to join in as much as possible and take part in the fun to the point that this year he wore matching pyjamas(that he went and bought) at her request. It might not be his favourite day of the year but she makes it all worth it(his own words) and he gets true enjoyment from her happiness.

Stop blaming yourself for his behaviour.

Do you think he could be depressed? Perhaps he's anxious at the thought of hosting a party?

He sounds bloody awful.
Sucks the happiness out of everything.
Won’t let your kids have birthday parties.
Sobs regularly (this sounds very manipulative if he doesn’t get his own way)
Screams and shouts as usual.

What are his positive attributes?

Would you not compromise and have your child's party at a soft play/activity?

Perhaps, he is not comfortable in social gatherings. Seems extreme reaction to a child's party.

Screaming at you and then sobbing? Over something that would benefit his kids? Tell him to grow the fuck up. It's not all about him, how does he not understand the happiness it could bring to the kids?
I'm sorry OP but I'd be saying "cry me a river dickface". Leave him to act out in his pathetic little bubble and make your kids happy. It's about them.

It's not about him it's about the kids and if you can afford it then do it!
He's a dick! An actual party pooper!