Outside perspective on husband and mine argument

[Suzie567]

husband commented today that we should only have our kids birthday parties every 3 years or so. We’ve only had 2 parties so far for eldest (6) and none for second one. Every year he starts an argument at the mention of a party so that’s reason we had very few. His reason is that as a kid he only had party every 3 or 4 years - but as I keep telling him that was 30 years ago! Just for perspective, and not for a boast, we are not struggling for money and are quite comfortable. He really annoyed me today so I kind of lost it and told him the parties are for our kids not for him and it makes me happy organising and planning so what’s his problem. We argued all day and in evening I calmed down and tried to talk to him. I asked why he doesn’t like the idea of parties but he started his usual shouting and screaming at me.

He’s downstairs now sobbing away. I feel really bad that I wish I hadn’t brought up the party but then why can’t my kids have a normal life like their friends. I don’t know how to handle this. Any outside perspective pls.

You might also find going to the gp useful - your fatigue may have a physical or emotional cause rather than just being lifestyle, and getting checked out for any health issues or potential depression would be a good thing.

Thanks will do.

OP It is sad to see in your last message that you've gone back to trying to 'help our relationship'. But nothing you do will stop these moods. Nothing you do will be enough because he enjoys the fighting and control he gains from it.
You will continue to have to pander to him until you are a shadow of your former self and have no fight left.
You seem to blame your family for doing nothing when they witness your husband being rude to them/you but that will prob just because they didn't want to make life hard for you. If you tell them you want to leave then I am sure they will help you all that they can.
In the short term, have a party for your child. Just book a soft play or whatever for his/her friends--minimum fuss. Why on earth would you want a family day out with him instead, when your relationship is like this?

@Isthisit22 thanks for your advice. I know it won’t help but I’m hoping I can improve my mood and outlook in the process. My self esteem is so low and I think if I can lose a bit of weight and get my confidence back I can stop isolating myself.

As others have said, it will be very difficult to improve your self esteem whilst living with him. Hope you find the strength to leave and are happy in the future 💐

You've also gone back to a day out with the 4 of you for your dds birthday. Why are you letting him use his tantrums to control the rest of you?

He is controlling you with his behaviour.

My DH is an introvert and is diagnosed with general anxiety disorder and social anxiety. He doesn't want to go to parties, social gatherings etc even with his family however he would never behave like this.

He does the necessary things for the DC and helped with their parties because as a parent you do your best to give them a decent childhood.

Having the party at a venue like soft play or whatever would solve your h’s issues with people coming round

Sounds like he's having meltdowns? Is it possible he has Autism? As well as whatever else he has going on in his head.
(And no, I am not implying that all people with autism behave as appallingly as he has)

Your post is so sad.

I think you may have your plan of action the wrong way round - may I suggest

1. you make an appointment with your GP to talk about your constant tiredness and request referring to solo counselling
2. you contact your sister and mention your request for counselling, as other posters have said - giving her the green light. Your family know what's going on, but are fearful of broaching the subject for fear of you thinking they are criticising you.
3. you have a chat with your daughter and ask her what she would like to do for her birthday
4. do not focus on weight loss: if you're a comfort eater (like me) remaining in a stressful situation is no place to try and lose weight - you will be setting yourself up to fail and will mean further loss of self esteem. Change the stressful situation first
5. bit of a cliche, but still true - you can't change the behaviour of others, only your reaction to that behaviour. You will never fully understand your man, you are wasting your time if you try to when your positions have deteriorated so much. One of you needs to break the cycle - sounds like you're ready to make a step forward - go for it. You can do it for your children and for you

sorry - didn't mean this to be a lecture

This is so sad. He is controlling you and sucking the joy from your children’s childhoods. Book a soft play or similar for their birthday, invite the kids friends, and he can turn up and act like a reasonable human being and put his kids first for a change.

He's already got you fairly well trained. Manipulative? Oh yes without a doubt.

He is sucking the joy out of your life, and ensuring his kids experience as little as possible.

So your child doesn't get a party because of his tantrum? At 8yo, they will remember it :(

8 is prime party age and very important to them well it was to both mine. They would talk about their parties for months. This is sad to read. I fear in the future you are going to massively regret capitulating to him on things that are important to your children. They should come first surely?

Intermittent fasting and upping exercise would sort the weight. Lost 2 stone in 3 months myself. Sadly I don’t think that is going to solve all your problems.

• Suzie567 I came on to say I’ve had similar conversations with DH - I don’t want the parties every year as they cost around £350 each time.

However this obviously isn’t what is going on with you guys.

He sounds like he he is really suffocating any joy out of your life and trying to bring you to his level. It’s really controlling and not fair.

Do the party for your child and tell him to go out

OP, I totally understand that there are some good things about your DH and you don't want to give up too soon. But please let your DD have a party this time. She may not remember it, but she may remember not having one

Why was the argument all day long? Who continued it?

You seem to have given in to him on the party issue. What would happen if you did what you want to do for the DC, against his wishes?

You don’t need to lose weight to take action to change your situation. You could arrange counselling for yourself, spend time with your family and friends.

It doesn’t matter why he has behaved as he has for 10 years plus. He does it and is v unlikely to change. You’re unhappy with him.

sadly your self esteem is rock bottom because, drip by drip, he has destroyed it. You wont even see it fully because manipulators work so slowly you cant see the damage.
I see you are still taking responsibility for the relationship - that is because you are a normal person who believes that it cannot have got to this point without it being both of your problem. I went to relate with my ex husband and I can bet my bottom dollar that your husband would have behaved the same way as mine did there. I was told, in straight terms, that I did not have a relationship (after he had stormed out) because that took 2 people equally invested in working together - not just one person facilitating the others needs.

yes he isolates you and you say you isolate yourself too - thats normal for abuse sufferers. You are most likely depressed. You sound depressed. Your GP may be able to give you some antidepressants so the hurts dont hurt so bad, but ultimately that will be treating the symptoms rather than the cause.

take a read through this and see if anything rings a bell. Abuse doesnt have to be hitting and punching. If he has found a method to make you behave the way he wants, he doesnt need to do that. If you adjust your behaviour, if you wonder 'what will he do/think' before you do anything, if you DONT do stuff because you are scared of the repercussions, than he is controlling you

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles

This could also be very handy, and you can go to a group or do it online

freedomprogramme.co.uk/

I wouldn't go for a day out with him for my daughter's birthday because he will ruin it.
He will sabotage your effort to be normal and have a day focusing on your daughter and make it all about HIM HIM HIM.

Book a local play centre and go without him, really this is what he wants, no responsibility, no work for him.

it's an abdication of the responsibility of being a parent on his part. He's become your unpleasant teenage son in this relationship- lots of time on his computer/ moody & lazy.

Of course you are low OP, and sad and miserable.
You are dealing with a horrible amount of stress everyday. As are your children.

Your children will remember the atmosphere they grew up in.

Of that, have no doubt.

Anyone who tells you differently is a liar.

Your low mood is due to being ground down by him.

Who screeches at their wife in front of their children?

No normal, healthy behaviour.
💐

He sounds awful.

If you feel too exhausted to meet people for Coffee - then start by seeing your GP. Get a physical check out, and some ADs for a while might give you the energy to make positive changes.
Do start getting your "ducks in a row" if you are going to leave.
Maybe look for a job?
Think about what you really want.
If he does nothing at weekends then take your DC out, go and visit their cousins etc.
An give them a party - even if it is a small gathering at soft play, a picnic in the park, a trip to the cinema with friends etc.

If his problem was just Social Anxiety then he'd explain a) he can't cope with the invasion of the house, b) suggest a party "out" somewhere, and if necessary c) explain that he can't cope with seeing groups of people. But then I expect he's fine if he sees groups if its to do with work or something he values.

Op please don’t think you can only gain your confidence back and stop being socially isolated when you lose weight.
If you start to go out, get a social life together and reconnect with your family, you might find it easier to lose the weight.
If you’re happier, you may not need to turn to food for comfort.
Right now, You can either be a bit overweight and feel low and miserable or be a bit overweight and be living a happier life.
Live the life you want to now, don’t wait til you’ve lost weight.

Hear hear.