Outside perspective on husband and mine argument

[Suzie567]

husband commented today that we should only have our kids birthday parties every 3 years or so. We’ve only had 2 parties so far for eldest (6) and none for second one. Every year he starts an argument at the mention of a party so that’s reason we had very few. His reason is that as a kid he only had party every 3 or 4 years - but as I keep telling him that was 30 years ago! Just for perspective, and not for a boast, we are not struggling for money and are quite comfortable. He really annoyed me today so I kind of lost it and told him the parties are for our kids not for him and it makes me happy organising and planning so what’s his problem. We argued all day and in evening I calmed down and tried to talk to him. I asked why he doesn’t like the idea of parties but he started his usual shouting and screaming at me.

He’s downstairs now sobbing away. I feel really bad that I wish I hadn’t brought up the party but then why can’t my kids have a normal life like their friends. I don’t know how to handle this. Any outside perspective pls.

my sisters and MIL wanted to have a baby shower for my first pregnancy but he didn’t like it

WTF? What does YOU having a baby shower have ANYTHING to do with him?

He sounds selfish, controlling and unhinged.

You say you hope he'll open up to you in time.

He won't.

He knows he can control you with the screaming and shouting and crying.

Stop pandering to this bollocks. Stop showing your kids that this is a 'normal' and acceptable way to behave/model for a relationship.

It really isn't. It's unhealthy and toxic and you need to do something about it.

Start by telling him your children will be having birthday parties from now on. He doesn't need to be involved in them or help plan them, but he does need to fuck off out of the house when they're happening so he doesn't suck all the joy out of them.

And start thinking about what you want the rest of your life to look like.

Thanks ladies. I’ve started my diet today, not going too well but I feel more positive about bringing changes in my life. Organised a day out with my sister and kids for Saturday so looking forward to that.

Please don't think that losing weight is going to regain your confidence, because you deserve to have self esteem and friends and not be isolated regardless of your weight.

Dieting is hard and harder without support*. Maybe think of it as a whole life audit and include thinks that are not associated with dieting or exercise - like arranging to meetin family or friends without your husband and kids.
*I say this as someone who has always been over weight but have increased and decreased over the years.

Just bear in mind that this man-baby behaves like this BECAUSE HE WANTS TO.
It gets him his own way every time. You need to put a stop to putting up with it for your own sake but especially for your children. They are learning very bad lessons for making future relationships and both their parents are letting them down badly.

Live your life. Don't even attempt to bring him along for the ride. Revoke his veto on you living your life.

Do the birthday party this year. No more delaying and vetos. Don't ask, don't even mention it, just send out the invitations. Veto revoked. Big girl knickers on.

Not a long term fix but maybe one that would mean your daughter could have a party this year, how about having one out of the house? My DH has misophonia and can't bear it when kids are jumping around. My kids are fine with this and jump around in the garden and park but friends find it difficult. I always book a trampoline park or play centre and take them all there, he doesn't come but I can manage with help from other mums and then we do a family thing separately. To be honest I don't involve him at all and just let him know when we are going! It sounds like you have much more going on to sort out but this would be a quick fix for this years party.

I think this is much more to this than objecting to yearly parties.
What was he like before you had children?

DH is introverted. Would have hates kids parties in the house. So I booked soft play parties or whatever they wanted each year. He didn't come. They had fun. Then just told him all about it when they got home. It worked for us. Then we would have w small tea where family could come round too, which he was fine with.

I'm sorry but it sounds like you're postponing the inevitable by putting losing weight before addressing the fact that you can't stay with this man.

Whatever is behind his behaviour, what he does isn't just destroying you. It will destroy your children too. They shouldn't be witnessing this behaviour and it's going to screw them up.

Please open up to someone in real life, and commit to making plans to leave. You owe it to your children.

And then book the birthday venue OP.
Ditch the extra pressure of a diet, you will lose the weight once you have regained your self esteem.
Keep strong. Make a plan. Decide what life you want for you and your kids.
Well done for taking the first step.

Please, please don't go on a diet, OP. It won't solve anything, and will only heap more pressure and stress on yourself.

You don't need to lose weight before building self-esteem. I strongly recommend The Fuck It Diet by Caroline Dooner, and tapping into the body neutrality movement.

Ditch the extra pressure of a diet, you will lose the weight once you have regained your self esteem.

This many times over.

Throw a party. Hell, make is a DIVORCE party!
Your husbands sounds horrible. He is making you miserable and ruining your children's childhoods. You all deserve better

He is sobbing and shouting and screaming because he is not getting his way. He tries the shouting first to shout you down and when that doesn't work then he starts the manipulative sobbing. My MIL acts the exact same way. it has nothing to do with the parties. It is to do with the fact he has made a decision about something and you are now not agreeing with it thus his reaction. Unfortunately OP you have way bigger problems that your childrens birthday parties.

By not giving your child the party that they are so excited for, you are choosing to please him rather than your DC.
Please think about it like this, one day your children might look back and see you as being just as bad as him because you stood by and did nothing.

Plan the party and tell your ‘d’h when and where it’s happening so he can go elsewhere. If he wants to destroy his relationship with your kids then let it be on him. Don’t cancel to please him, I couldn’t stay with someone who put themselves first above their children like this 😢

I am sorry but I think you are so used to his behaviour that you are conditioned to thinking it’s normal. But it’s not. It’s really not.