Outside perspective on husband and mine argument

[Suzie567]

husband commented today that we should only have our kids birthday parties every 3 years or so. We’ve only had 2 parties so far for eldest (6) and none for second one. Every year he starts an argument at the mention of a party so that’s reason we had very few. His reason is that as a kid he only had party every 3 or 4 years - but as I keep telling him that was 30 years ago! Just for perspective, and not for a boast, we are not struggling for money and are quite comfortable. He really annoyed me today so I kind of lost it and told him the parties are for our kids not for him and it makes me happy organising and planning so what’s his problem. We argued all day and in evening I calmed down and tried to talk to him. I asked why he doesn’t like the idea of parties but he started his usual shouting and screaming at me.

He’s downstairs now sobbing away. I feel really bad that I wish I hadn’t brought up the party but then why can’t my kids have a normal life like their friends. I don’t know how to handle this. Any outside perspective pls.

WTAF? He’s sobbing because you want to do a party for your child’s birthday! He’s unhinged. You’re kids (and you) deserve more than living with this manipulative, controlling, fun sponge.

He doesn't want one! Not his bloody birthday is it. Just do it OP. You don't need his permission. My DCs have had parties every year. I never asked their dad. I just arranged it and told him what was happening.

He's lost the plot. Tell him to grow up and act like an adult.
If he doesn't want a party, tell him he doesn't need to attend then and arrange it yourself. Of course little kids need a birthday party, it's part of growing up. It doesn't have to be extravagant, something with a few friends, cake and party games is all thats needed.

Good for you for defending yourself and dc.
He can fuck off out on their birthdays then can't he?. What a man child.
I used to have one of those op.
I divorced him.

Sobbing at the thought of his own 6 yr old having a wee birthday party? I don’t know whether to be shocked or laugh 🤔
Arrange the party and tell him he can fuck off out for the day, what an arse.

there’s no point trying to be rational with him as his personality is that once he decides that’s it. I think he might be a little spoilt as family pander to him.
Why do they pander to him? Because he’s a manipulative pain in the arse?

I feel like he sucks out all happiness from everything. I don’t want to get to the point where I just give up and dont do anything for my kids any more
This is a pattern. He can’t give a reason for his decisions, which is pretty shit - why can’t he use his words to say what he means? So this means it sounds like he’s controlling you... for whatever reason.

His behaviour means your dc are missing out. His screaming and shouting (as usual - what’s that about?) are giving a really shit example to dc about what acceptable behaviour looks like.

I’d tell him he can go out for the day while you host dS’s party.

In the long term, I’d be thinking about what would make me and dc happy.

Why the fuck are you with him? Were the kids in the house witnessing the shouting/screaming/sobbing. The birthday girl must be feeling terrible!

Totally bizarre, tell him to get a grip. Agree with pp, book a soft play party or tell.him to go out for the day. You mention cousins, does he have an issue with family coming to the house.

I think that something bad happened to him at a party when he was a child and that this is triggering for him. But, this is no excuse for an adult father to behave like this!

I also have a toddler for a partner ( but no way this extream) who will sulk ect if he doesnt get his own way.

We have just had a spat ( appropriet adult discussion!) About a family holiday. I want one as a family (with our 2.5 year old) and he wants a short trip to dubai just us.

I walked away thinking he was the most selfish twat on the planet and why they hell would we not want to spoil our little boy and take him away each year( we have been away past 2 summers)

We talked and whilst we are now going to book a family holiday abroad :) i can see his point of view now.

My point.... he needs to explain why he doesnt want one. Is it because he was embarrassed at his house growing up? Didnt really enjoy parties at home? Is he paranoid a kid will get hurt on your watch? Or thst the house will get trashed? There MUST be a reason... or simply stop doing any cooking or cleaning and offer him his pathetic excuse of a reason why and see how he likes it.

I wouldn't let my child go without in this situation- he needs to man up and start talking.

I would suggest picking a day and setting him up with a man date - cinema and lunch or something. Tell him you are having 5 friends over and just omit to tell him about the other 25 guest and the party games!

Really, there should be no issue with having a small, inexpensive party every year for your child. His reaction is completely ott.

we did not do much for first few years but once they were 4 or 5 they were allowed that many friends round for tea and games. So...their parties got bigger and bigger for a few years but aged 10 plus they used to just ask if they and best friends could go to cinema/ bowling/swimming /paintballing etc. This never felt OTT but marked the occasion and made them feel special. It is a good way of getting around the ""do I have to invite the whole class?" question as if you can only have 5/6/7 friends it will just be your besties really. Seems a very odd argument to be having. My DH had no parties and would happily do nothing on his or our birthdays. In last 12 months he was away over his own 50 th, on business trips for 2 of the kids birthdays and had arranged to see his godmother on my birthday!! However, he would not stop me doing anything for myself or the kids.

Your husband throws a tantrum about something fucking ridiculous then sits and weeps?
Is he 2?

Seriously. No discussion. No pandering. Tell him to grow the fuck up and stay out of birthday party plans if he finds them so bloody traumatic

Kids are only little for a short while and birthday parties are great ... dont let dickhead spoil that for everyone

This is so not just about a child's party..

This is all about you being in a marriage of coercion and control.

He 'decides' something and you have to toe the line. If you don't he will scream and scream and sob until you give in.
There is only one way to deal with this and that is to treat him like the toddler he is modelling.. ignore and carry on regardless. Until he learns that it is not an appropriate way to behave. However be prepared that he may not change, sounds like this behaviour has been pandered to by his own parents and too entrenched .

I would seriously advise he gets proper psychotherapy if he wants to stay married because if I were you , without massive behaviour change from tantrumming toddler to mature adult parent .. I would be going it alone in order to give my children a calmer home.

Screaming, shouting and sobbing?? WTAF
He’s manipulating you.
Don’t give in to this twat.
Tell him your having a party and he is not allowed to attend.

He isn't being reasonable at all and sounds like a child himself. If I were you I would insist that your children are having parties and if he doesn't like it then he won't have to be there. What an odd thing for him to be so stubborn about. As a child I started having parties around the age of 4/5 and stopped having them around the age of 10 and then had sleepovers instead. Therefore having a party every 4 years would mean they will only have two birthday parties for whole childhood. Your OH sounds mean.

Screaming, sobbing and emotional.

Holding the whole house to ransom with his ridiculous, manipulative crap.

He'd be out that door in a heartbeat if it was me. There is no way I'd let that pathetic twat stand between my children and the happy birthdays they deserve.

He sounds unhinged.

If you stay with him in the future I wouldn't even discuss it with him just go ahead and plan a party. He's welcome to stay at home and come to one every 3 or 4 years if the foot stomping man child doesn't want a party every year.

He does realise the parties aren't for him right ?

At it’s most basic though, his desire not to have a party does NOT have any more importance than your desire to have one.
He needs to give you a proper well thought through explanation of why he thinks it is wrong to have an annual party and, even if he does this, he needs to accept that this doesn’t mean that he gets his way.
His wishes, opinions and desires are not more relevant than yours. Everything is not about him.

I always feel a bit sad for the kids that don’t get a birthday party, every child deserves to feel special and have their friends make a fuss of them. Yes it’s a bit of a pain in the arse for the parents but it’s not about them, and it doesn’t cost much to invite 5 kids to your house for sausage rolls and a game of pass the parcel.

Do you have any idea why he is so against a party?
Is he often like this? Making arbitrary decisions and forcing you into following through on them?
Certainly on the face of it, it seems very odd to throw a tantrum over a child's party, but if it is out of character, I'd want to know what's behind it. If, however, his behaviour over this, is normal for him when he doesn't get his own way, then I'd be seriously rethinking the relationship.
Shouting and crying over a relatively minor decision until you capitulate is no way to live.

This is bizarre! He has major issues...

Is it possible that he didn't have many friends growing up and doesn't want the pressure of your children having to have lots of friends that they can invite to a party every year? And he's acting like this because he's remembering that when he was young, he felt pressure to find friends for the few parties he had?

Yet another big baby. So many threads on here are by women saddled with joyless pricks like this one.

How does he act when you do have those one off parties?