Asked him out - should I take this as rejection?

[KatDubs261]

Hey everyone, so there is a guy I see fairly often who is quite shy and who I am fairly sure likes me. I've worked out that he is single although I don't know if he is dating.

I asked him to come to an event with me in a few days via Facebook. He replied that he would really liked to have come but already has plans. He then thanked me for the invite.

I'll see him in a couple of days and will just need to be ok about it. Does this sound like rejection or a 'not this time' to you?

Do you text each other? WhatsApp? Is he flirty online?

What is strange is that last weekend when I asked him to go out he seemed keen. He found 4 events (expensive and not very interesting events but still). He asked me for my input. Why do that if he didn't want to spend time with me? Why say 'hmm maybe' only 2 days later? There wasn't room for compromise or to work it out together, he has dropped it and is now acting like I never asked.

Last night after dinner he caught the train with me & was talking about his plans this weekend. And the fact he is seeing friends for dinner tonight and I just felt like crying. I put myself out there & he doesn't seem to get it at all. He is still acting the same with me, like nothing has changed.

I feel hurt because I wouldn't ask a man out unless I was sure of a positive response. Sure enough, he did give a positive response initially...

Aside from this, I am the most confident and happiest I've been for a while. This has dented me a bit, partly because I feel I can't trust my own judgement and surprised to have got it so wrong. And now I am upset, I feel really down about it.

He is shy and a bit nerdy so he isn't very good at flirting. However he was clearly making an attempt to flirt when I next saw him, after asking him out. Why I don't know.

he doesn’t fancy you. the end. move on to a better guy, he sounds fucking annoying

Why do that if he didn't want to spend time with me

He doesn't want to hurt your feelings/be the bad guy by turning you down. Seems odd that he managed to pick FOUR events that ALL were unacceptable to you... almost as if he didn't really want to go out with you! Remember, this is not the first time he has tried to brush you off!

A couple of our mutual friends have also hinted about if something was going on between us 2, which seems to confirm it is not just in my head.

Also I'm quite am attractive woman and I make sure I have things going for me so it just feels...hopeless? Like this is who I am and I thought this had potential. I can't be different. I feel so fed up.

Well when I asked him why he picked those 4 events, he said 'I wasn't sure what type of event you wanted me to choose.' Which is fine, but then when I told him what I'd prefer it was all over!

I feel awful. Like go put and buy a tub of ice cream awful. It's pathetic!

It shouldn’t be this hard.

You sound infatuated, if not obsessed. I’ve been there, and I feel for you in the mind fuck it is. Go spend time with other people doing your hobby to give yourself some head space. You sound like you have a lot going on in your life, just withdraw him from it and turn him into no more than a warm acquaintance. You aren’t going to meet the right person when your head is a mess with the wrong one.

I am a bit annoyed and do know I am not owed anything but I don't feel I would have bothered so much if I didn't feel pursued by him at the beginning. I wanted to give him a chance because it seemed that although he was shy and a bit nerdy he seemed a great guy that was into me.

I agree I should turn him into a warm acquaintance. We have become close and that is why I feel hurt. Dating is so hard and I envy people that are settled and have found their person.

He’s keen one minute , cool the next . Imagine getting into a relationship with him , you’ll never know where you stand .
Ok so he’s shy but ffs , you’ve given him every hint that you want to spend time with him , including inviting him to events, short of writing on his forehead in permanent marker He can’t be that thick . If he’s not getting it , it’s because he doesn’t want to. I’d give OLD another try , can’t be any more frustrating than what your dealing with here surely ?

Move on @KatDubs261 Before I was with DH there was a guy like this at my running club. Honestly, it was like pulling teeth trying to work out if he liked me (he seemed to) but nothing ever went anywhere. In the end I just moved onto pastures new, one last FWB and then lovely DH.

Very confusing...I'm generally quite good at telling the difference between romantic/platonic and this definitely felt like a romantic connection.

I guess I will just have to do the same @SuperMeerkat and move on to someone new. It's just so hard for me to meet someone I like, so when I do and then it doesn't work it feels like a bigger deal. Thanks for your story, makes me feel a bit more encouraged!

Has he ever had a girlfriend or is he really happily single but just enjoys flirting?

I don't know to either. But - he seems very inexperienced to me. I have never heard exes come up the way it does for the rest of us in conversation.

I don't know, he seems happily single and seems constantly busy with friends. At the beginning he made a point of telling me he didn't have a wife or girlfriend like the others and that 'I need you to keep me in check'. His behaviour seemed every couply with me particularly when there are lots of women in the group.

I have no idea. Really disappointed but I suppose there will be more fish in the sea!

The interaction between you both is so pure and sweet

However I would say that if a guy is in to you he would make it known, obviously known. He's had ample chance, you've given many hints and opportunities and he isn't taking the bait. I'd therefore be inclined to say 'he's just not that into you'

Move on, you sound sociable and have many hobbies that will connect you with people, someone else is out there

I had one of these friends once. Came to nothing, he just liked the flirting and the feeling of being in a relationship without the effort/compromise.

I’ve known one of those too — lovely, friendly, but fundamentally passive man who simply didn’t want a relationship enough to venture out of his comfort zone and do anything about it.

It was your reference, OP, to him saying it was your job to ‘keep him in check’ that reminded me of this man. He had absorbed the idea from somewhere that other people, usually women, would ‘keep him up to the mark’ and jolly him along. Left to himself, he did nothing.

Drifted into a long-distance relationship which went on for about eight years, and eventually she proposed and he just sort of went along with things, including children, and he just kept drifting along passively, not lifting a finger. Inevitably there was a messy divorce.

He’s one of the nicest and most interesting people to talk to I’ve ever met, and good-looking, but he’d rather just bumble along than act, whether that’s in work or relationships. The idea that anyone might be expecting something of him would petrify him.

To me it reads like he doesn't want a relationship. He is making arrangements with other people, so it isn't like he doesn't know how to do it. His responses to you are those of a friend. Because you want more, you are trying to read more into them and getting frustrated because he isn't being more proactive. I am afraid this one is a no go. He might well fancy you, but not enough to actually do anything about it.

Oh he got in touch in tonight and said he saw the events we were looking at going to are cancelled but we should do something else once we know the lie of the land?

I didn't.expect to hear from him at all. Hmm I suppose we'll see. I'm not going to be waiting and wishing for one bloke though, so I'm going to keep doing my hobbies and meeting people.

If you wanted to be petty, text back 'oh yeah, maybe'.

My goodness do you want to be with someone who is this difficult to make plans with / be clear with?

It might be just my personality but if getting a first date in the diary was this much like pulling teeth then I would have lost interest and disengaged a long time ago!

This is how he is - and there is nothing wrong with him at all. But you clearly need someone who will be more clear about how they feel and/or take a lead in proceedings otherwise you will end up second guessing yourself and losing loads of headspace - as is evident on this thread.

That's not me being judgemental because I'm the same, I need to know where I stand and while in my early 20s I would have agonised for days on end about a man like this, I can now 10 years on acknowledge that I do need to be with people who don't find it so difficult being proactive.

There's not a wrong or right when it comes to this stuff, but there is the reality of comparability. This guy has had you feeling up / down / questioning every move for ages now... is that really something you want long term?

Oh my gosh. I was going to say it shouldn't be this hard and to bin him and that was when i had only seen the January post!!!

do whst you like but be clear- You are wasting your time with this guy. He won't be your husband or DP.'

My DP is fairly relaxed/ passive but when we met he super liked me and didn't want anyone else to get a look in.
He was persistant, consistent and clear. He was also flexible with his schedule and was happy to meet me after work for a 30 min drink, a stroll around during late night shopping, a meal. Basically whatever our schedules could accomodate.

He enjoys the mild frisson that flirting with you adds to these group events and shared hobbies but he has no intention of having any kind of romantic relationship with you. If he did you would be having it already.

Sorry but he’s just a “nice guy” headfucker 💐❤️

Is he definitely 100% single? I had a bit of this kind of thing with a "shy" guy who basically had a girlfriend he never talked about! Or perhaps he's got another girl in the same position as you, and is indecisive!

Oh sorry just seen your earlier post this evening!