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Original poster

Asked him out - should I take this as rejection?

233 replies

KatDubs261 · 12/01/2020 21:15

Hey everyone, so there is a guy I see fairly often who is quite shy and who I am fairly sure likes me. I've worked out that he is single although I don't know if he is dating.

I asked him to come to an event with me in a few days via Facebook. He replied that he would really liked to have come but already has plans. He then thanked me for the invite.

I'll see him in a couple of days and will just need to be ok about it. Does this sound like rejection or a 'not this time' to you?

OP posts:
Original poster
KatDubs261 · 10/03/2020 21:42

No I don't but I also know for a fact he is not this passive with male friends. I overhear him very directly asking our mutual male mates to do sports related events together regularly.

I just cannot reconcile the fact he seems to like me just as much as any man I have ended up seriously dating, it seems obvious - but then when the opportunity is right in front of him he doesn't take it. Brain can't compute. But this is the reality!

OP posts:
nube1 · 10/03/2020 21:55

Swallow your pride.
Tell him that you like him and would he like to go for a drink after work.
there is a binary answer to that!
Get on with it and stop skating around the issue!

billy1966 · 10/03/2020 21:59

OP, this reads as very strange.
You don't think he is passive but he is indeed coming over as very wet.

You sound great......is there any possibility that he's messing with you.

When men are keen they generally go for it, even if shy.

I definitely wouldn't ask him again. I'd be done. You are worth more than his staffing around.

Flowers
billy1966 · 10/03/2020 21:59

Faffing

PondLover · 10/03/2020 22:02

Yes, but asking his male friends to do something sport-related is a completely unremarkable thing to do — it is something he does all the time, it requires nothing from him, no mental energy or decisiveness.

I think you may be over-interpreting the blushing and embarrassed eye contact. People generally do what they really want to do. Particularly men, who are not socialised into self-sacrifice or ‘not hurting others’ feelings’ to the extent women are.

The best this guy can manage is a ‘maybe, I’ll look into it’ when presented with a choice of activities by a woman who has made it very clear she’s into him, by doing literally all the running.

I’m all for women asking men out, but this guy is so passive he’s like a shop-window mannequin having its clothes put on.

Original poster
KatDubs261 · 10/03/2020 22:04

No don't believe he is messing with me. He is a decent sort but clueless and I don't know what else.

Well he was very keen the other day and it showed. I think maybe he was disappointed I didn't go along with his initial meet up ideas - but he seemed to take on board my reasons so let's see if he follows up!

Thank you Billy - I think I am a bit of a catch if I can say that! I have also been asked out recently and said no - I genuinely wasn't interested, but gives me hope it can happen...

OP posts:
Original poster
KatDubs261 · 10/03/2020 22:14

@PondLover I don't feel I have misinterpreted the signs. The way he is with me has always been markedly different than with other women and I was sure he fancied me. Although nothing is sure I am right more often than not about that

But it doesn't matter. You are right, I have made it clear and it's the old you can lead the horse to water analogy.

I feel disappointed but also proud for putting myself out there. I'm not sure he realises how hard that was? The 'maybe' response was hurtful. Like I am really trying here.

OP posts:
Dery · 11/03/2020 09:46

Dear OP – you are right to feel proud for putting yourself out there and also to decide that enough is enough and you will no longer be flogging this horse, so to speak. You have done everything you could possibly be expected to do – at least there will be no lingering questions in your mind as regards missed opportunities. It's his loss and your gain. You sound great and there are plenty of great men out there who won't be so flakey. And you've obviously got a great deal going on in your life to keep you busy in the meantime anyway!

FWIW – when my mum, sister and I were all single at the same time and trying to date (admittedly back in the 1990s …), we quickly resolved that we were never going to ask ourselves or each other for explanations of why a man was behaving in a certain way and what it meant. When reduced to its essence, the question always came down to "why isn't he seizing the opportunity to spend time with me when I'm making myself available to him?" Usually the answer was that he was just not that into us but we also quickly realized that the reason, whatever it was, was irrelevant – if a man was choosing not to spend time with us when he could be doing so, then he was no use to us as a potential partner. Over time, we all settled down with serious partners and those relationships all got off the ground quickly and easily – it felt more or less effortless - because the men were sufficiently interested to seek us out and make themselves available.

billy1966 · 11/03/2020 10:09

Good for you OP.

The thing is that even if he is great, he is very very passive and some men like that are utterly exhausting to be with.

No gumption whatsoever to move forward.

I would leave it up to him completely.
You have done your bit.
👍

Cheeseandwin5 · 11/03/2020 10:20

I despair how little things have moved on when I see some of the replies on here. You are not a prize on a fairground ride and he is not a knight coming to save you. you are equals and both can and should take the initiative. Women shouldn't need to give hints and make themselves available only as not to be seen as 'needy', in the same way as men should be the ones who need to take the lead to show they are not wet. Its ridiculous sexist claptrap by small minds and will result in you not getting what you want but what you are offered.

If you want to go out on a date with him , you need to ask him directly, you are both skating around the issue because in my view, you both like each other but are worried about making yourself vulnerable or /and losing the friendship. What you are doing is also what he is doing. Overthinking finding positives and negatives and all sorts of connotations in every conversation.
I urge you to find out one way or the other, not to an event where there will be other ppl you know and so can been seen as a function, but on a proper one on one date. You wil than know one way or the other.
And I wouldn't worry about your friend group, they will be aware about the situation between you two.

JorisBonson · 11/03/2020 10:30

Have you actually said"Would you like to go out on a date with me?"

CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt · 11/03/2020 10:36

I've just read this whole thread and can't believe there's been no good developments for you in two months!

Even if you're both shy face to face, were you not texting all the time and flirting that way? It should not be this much hard work, this early on. Your 'friend' scuppered your chances as well by tagging along with you.. I wonder why she did that?

Does your group every go out for drinks. Someone needs a bit of dutch courage at this stage or you'll be stuck in a stalemate forever. If neither of you make a move after a situation like that, time to give up.

limmylee · 11/03/2020 16:57

Please take a chance. You're only going to drive yourself mad if you let this continue like this much longer (and its driving me mad cos I feel emotionally involved at this stage).
The next time you see him, find a chance to discreetly grab his hand if you find yourself getting positive vibes. As you said that he's clueless, this will leave no doubt in his mind about where you stand.
My dh and I flirted for a couple of months before being on a group night out I led him by the hand through a crowd, we locked eyes and the rest is history.
Take the risk. It might pay off spectacularly.

Greenkit · 11/03/2020 17:18

Why dont you say to him, "How about trying the coffee again, just the two of us after we were gate crashed the other day."

furryleopard · 11/03/2020 17:26

I skirted around a shy guy in my friendship groups for months, texting flirty messages, laughing uncontrollably at his jokes, asking him to come on group nights out and all sorts. He didn't realise I liked him. In the end I just told him straight that I liked him and wanted to be with him. He was stunned.

Reader, I married him.

You've got to just talk to him straight, if he doesn't like you and he's not unkind he'll just say no but at least you'll know and can move on.

Original poster
KatDubs261 · 11/03/2020 21:18

We went out for a group dinner tonight. I again felt he was very close (leaning in close so we were touching most of the time) & laughing at all my jokes. But then I heard him enthusiastically planning another sports night with a male friend when I was sitting right there - fuming!

People are saying I should tell him straight but the way I see it is - I have asked him to spend time with me twice. He seemed very keen a few days ago then went cool. Tonight when I saw him he didn't mention going out together, it's like the conversation never happened.

I for one wouldn't say no or maybe to spending time with someone I was really into? Yes we have been talking online and he always takes a keen interest in my life, likes me to send photos of my plans over the weekend etc.

I feel too vulnerable to do anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
KatDubs261 · 11/03/2020 21:21

@Dery- thanks for your post. I think your approach was the right one.

I'm 28 & starting to feel I won't meet someone. I don't have an issue meeting men but most of them have been non commital guys in their 20s.

OP posts:
SylvanianFrenemies · 12/03/2020 00:27

You'll meet someone, but not while you are distracted by this.

There no point fuming about him going about his life.

Directly ask.him out, unequivocally. Or forget it. Spending months in a no man's land based on what he seems to feel, but doesn't translate into an actual single fucking date, is madness. It must be soul -destroying.

SylvanianFrenemies · 12/03/2020 00:32

BTW I met a few of these apparently keen, sensitive, somehow overly complicated types in my 20s. A lot of time wasted.

Life got much better when I met someone kind and great, who actually wanted to ask me out, date me, love me, fuck me- without complications.

Dery · 12/03/2020 07:49

@KatDubs261

Everyone’s different but I agree with you that you’ve done more than enough to encourage him - I’d be moving on now. I got over a huge crush when I realised I was trying to feast on crumbs. You don’t need his crumbs. There will be other men out there who want to offer you a feast. (Not lovebombing but a healthy middle ground!)

After some initial relationships in my late teens/early twenties, I was single for my entire 20s, hankering after men who seemed a bit interested but it never went anywhere. So I also felt like I would never meet anyone. A number of my friends were in the same boat. I met my DH when I was nearly 30 - he was several years older - and a number of my friends met their partners when they were in their 30s. Except for one person, all us who wanted children went on to have them in our mid-30s/early 40s.

You can’t force it but I don’t think it’s chance that, for me, it happened when I had got extremely busy in life (working and studying) and had decided I wasn’t going to waste my time on flaky men. I think I was more relaxed about whether or not I met anyone and my now DH had to work quite hard to get my attention and keep it.

Dozer · 12/03/2020 07:51

You’re being v passive. I would already have written him off, but seems like you don’t want to do that, so ask him if he wants to go on a date with you, whatever his response you can move on!

Dozer · 12/03/2020 07:54

And by “date” I mean something simple like drink or food, and using the word “date”.

Millhouse7 · 12/03/2020 08:11

What about talking to the mutual friend you mentioned? I think he seems into you just lacking in confidence.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 12/03/2020 09:02

I think you are over invested in this man. You’ve asked him out, you’ve made it perfectly clear you’d like to spend time with him alone and the response has been lukewarm. I don’t agree that you ought to directly say you like him in a romantic way and want to go on a date, surely you’ve made your intentions crystal clear already? At this point I’d be stepping back and distancing myself a bit. Not avoiding him as such, but not making myself as available. Let him notice a difference and take action if he’s in any way interested. If he’s interested he will surely try to do something to move things along, ask you out to the next mutual event. If not, I really think you have your answer - he likes you as a person but not enough to start a relationship with. Don’t make things socially awkward in your shared friendship group by chasing someone who isn’t interested.

Dozer · 12/03/2020 09:04

Yes, I would’ve moved on long ago but OP doesn’t seem to want to do that!