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Original poster

Asked him out - should I take this as rejection?

233 replies

KatDubs261 · 12/01/2020 21:15

Hey everyone, so there is a guy I see fairly often who is quite shy and who I am fairly sure likes me. I've worked out that he is single although I don't know if he is dating.

I asked him to come to an event with me in a few days via Facebook. He replied that he would really liked to have come but already has plans. He then thanked me for the invite.

I'll see him in a couple of days and will just need to be ok about it. Does this sound like rejection or a 'not this time' to you?

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 21/02/2020 08:10

Yes I think the friend likes him but the friend IS taken! In quite a serious relationship it seems.

I would guess that she's one of those people who move from relationship to relationship with what they would call "overlap". I wouldn't see her relationship status as making her less likely to ask him out. After all, she she's shameless enough to cockblock a couple everyone can see like each other, even though she's apparently taken. 🤷‍♀️

Get in there and make your move - as PP said, before she does.

PicsInRed · 21/02/2020 08:10

And then keep some distance from her. She sounds bad news.

CalleighDoodle · 21/02/2020 08:20

I wouldn't pursue this now. It is frustrating for you. If this is how he deals with everything, everything will always be on you.

letsjog · 21/02/2020 18:24

Don't try to give him an "in" OP.
If he's as clueless or painfully shy as some men I've known a floating flashing sign over your head won't help.
If you want it to go somewhere if he feels the same you should just take the lead and ask him out along the lines of what @StVincent ? I think said.

Make it clear it's an invite for him only/just the two of you to do something.
Stop going around in circles.

And your "friend" doesn't sound like a friend.

Original poster
KatDubs261 · 10/03/2020 20:39

Just when I thought we were finally getting somewhere! Sad

I got up the courage to ask him to come to a fun event with me next weekend. He replies he is busy but would like to do something else another day. I suggest we go to 1 or 2 events that are on as part of a festival in town. He agrees and says he will look at the programme, make suggestions.

He comes back with a few ideas that were very expensive and really unappealing to me! I mean they were super expensive and I knew I really wouldn't enjoy them (I'm v open minded btw and up for most stuff, especially when I fancy a guy...but this..no).

So I suggest a couple of cheaper, more low key events and when i asked him what he thought in person today he said 'oh yeah, maybe' to them. Maybe!! He then said he is still keen to do something and I asked him to let me know sooner rather than later.

So and I'm sad and annoyed now, just by the whole situation as we clearly get along well.

OP posts:
TimeForPlentyIn2020 · 10/03/2020 20:43

OP, have you ever heard of a successful relationship that stated out as lukewarm as this?

Original poster
KatDubs261 · 10/03/2020 20:51

No! But honestly I've never been in a situation where it was this hard to get to the first date.

So weird as he seemed really keen the other day when he said he'd look into events. He also said 'and while I'm looking let me know if you see anything else you'd like to do Smile'. How we got from that to 'maybe' weirdness in 2 days I dont know!

OP posts:
Original poster
KatDubs261 · 10/03/2020 20:53

But yeah I'm gutted.

OP posts:
Toomuchtrouble4me · 10/03/2020 20:53

That's it then - don't ask again.

PerfidiousAlbion · 10/03/2020 21:01

Christ, he sounds clueless. Was he expecting you to pay for the expensive events? Is that why he was keen on those?

Original poster
KatDubs261 · 10/03/2020 21:07

No definitely not! After his 'maybe' I explained why I wasn't so up for his suggestions and mentioned the cost. He said he hadn't realised the cost & that my ideas probably did sound better. And that was it! Still no plan made. He is still nervous around me but he is unreal.

He did attempt to flirt with me today, I don't think he is used to it and it shows! I have left the ball in his court, by asking him to come back to me. If he doesn't I won't say another word about getting together again.

OP posts:
Mycatismadeofstringcheese · 10/03/2020 21:10

Tinder. Get on tinder.

Even a few crappy first dates that will never go anywhere has to be better than this. It will take your mind off all this waiting and wondering.

Original poster
KatDubs261 · 10/03/2020 21:13

I was on Tinder but I didn't like it!

I prefer to meet people in person, met my last guy in an amateur dramarics group. Maybe I just need to keep getting out there.

I do have a pretty big crush on this one and feel frustrated.

OP posts:
otterhound · 10/03/2020 21:16

What on earth do you think he’ll be like in bed?. Assuming you get there this decade.

Mycatismadeofstringcheese · 10/03/2020 21:19

Maybe the intensity of your crush is making him feel a little nervous that he can’t live up to it. I’ve turned down guys that were massively in to me before really knowing me because it all seemed a bit much.

I just think getting out there and dating could reduce the intensity a bit for you and give you a bit of space to think about whether or not someone who is so passive is right for you. Who knows you could be having lots of fun (or at least building up some funny stories) when Mr Maybe suddenly realises what he’s missing out on and you can then choose if that’s something you want.

Mycatismadeofstringcheese · 10/03/2020 21:20

I did think that too otterhound. I keep thinking of the book on Chesil beach where the long anticipated event is a terrible let down!

Original poster
KatDubs261 · 10/03/2020 21:20

Ha ha. Well believe it or not he is very attentive, in terms of listening to how I'm feeling, bringing me drinks and making sure I'm sorted/looked after at events we go to...he is always looking for ways to help people too, notices the little details.

So I think attentive is a good bet, but inexperienced is likely!

OP posts:
Original poster
KatDubs261 · 10/03/2020 21:25

Tbh I think I do a good job of seeming cool as a cucumber, I am fairly self aware and don't think I come across as being super mega into him.

I think asking him out is probably the only main hint! I agree passivity is not a good quality, that is why I got excited when he said he would come up with ideas to spend time together. To his credit, he did, but they weren't good!

OP posts:
dontgobaconmyheart · 10/03/2020 21:25

Crikey OP Confused he sounds such a turn off honestly. You can't be into this surely? He is wet as anything, obviously not that keen and it all sounds very awkward and the total.oppodite of what you'd expect from two compatible people excited to start dating. Perhaps you don't even have much in common if his ideas and yours don't even make the same page.

I get that it is deflating but it sounds like you're flogging a dead horse on principle without considering how this reflects on him or whether he should be making you feel this shit/frustrated before it's even begun. He will always be like this. I would focus on retaining my dignity and just fob him off next time he vaguely mentions the whole debacle and be friends, lucky escape! Shy guys and quiet guys aren't always 'nice guys' by default OP, they're just as often emotionally unavailable and all the rest of it.

MrsSnitchnose · 10/03/2020 21:32

Christ almighty, you sound like me! Mine is a lot more complicated than yours though. The guy I like is much older than me and we have to work very closely together. I'm slowly losing the will to live trying to articulate to him that I like him without actually directly putting it out there. My boss is almost certain he likes me back but he's painfully shy and doesn't have a lot of confidence. I sound like i'm about 14 rather than mid 30s ffs! I wish you a lot of luck OP

Original poster
KatDubs261 · 10/03/2020 21:32

Well no I'm not into it! When he said 'maybe' I thought oh wtf you can't be for real. We do have lots in common, including few hobbies & similar politics/values. In fact, the events I chose were based on activities I thought he would like. We also have great chemistry and there's never an awkward silence, we just gel.

But I really only want to spend time with people that are also really keen to spend time with me. We're all adults and our time is precious. If he brings it up with a plan then I will go with him and give him the benefit of the doubt.

If not, I will be friendly from now on and that's it. I'm not settling for maybe.

OP posts:
SylvanianFrenemies · 10/03/2020 21:33

JFC this is very drawn out.

Just message him "would you like to go.on a date with me?" Honestly, the world won't end.

But I do wonder how he would be in bed in a relationship, if this is how he conducts himself.

PondLover · 10/03/2020 21:36

I’m with the people who can’t believe you find such an ineffectual wilting lettuce attractive, OP. It doesn’t matter whether he finds you incredibly attractive or not, surely, if all he’s ever going to do is sort of dither about feebly, like someone who can’t decide whether to get into a swimming pool or not.

I mean, do you really want to be in a relationship with someone this low-energy and passive? He sounds like a classic ‘I don't mind’-er, feebly drifting along with other people’s ideas.

PondLover · 10/03/2020 21:37

X-posted with you, OP. Good call. You’re worth more than hanging around hoping Mr Dither can get enough get-up-and-go together to power a decision.

SylvanianFrenemies · 10/03/2020 21:39

Cross posted. I think that's wise.