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Original poster

Asked him out - should I take this as rejection?

233 replies

KatDubs261 · 12/01/2020 21:15

Hey everyone, so there is a guy I see fairly often who is quite shy and who I am fairly sure likes me. I've worked out that he is single although I don't know if he is dating.

I asked him to come to an event with me in a few days via Facebook. He replied that he would really liked to have come but already has plans. He then thanked me for the invite.

I'll see him in a couple of days and will just need to be ok about it. Does this sound like rejection or a 'not this time' to you?

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Original poster
KatDubs261 · 12/01/2020 23:40

Thank you Thinkingabout1t. Yes he is all those things you have described.

We have one mutual friend in particular who we are both close to and he hangs out with a lot. I will be seeing that guy soon and I bet if I hinted/told him he'd be right onto him telling him to not be so dense/ask me out. It's not come to that yet, but could be an option!

I'm not going to give up yet purely because my intuition says he feels as I do. But I'll know when to throw in the towel after a while if I'm not getting anywhere and I know I've tried. Feelings are tricky.

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Beastm0de · 13/01/2020 00:02

If you liked someone and they asked you out, what would you do? You’d go... People can sometimes genuinely be busy, or maybe like you said he’s too shy?

When you see him, suggest something else again, if he’s busy or can’t do it for some reason, give up, 7.5 billion humans on this planet to choose from.

If you ask a third time, you’ll be effecting yourself and then you’ll start to self reflect negatively, it’s not worth it.

IncrediblySadToo · 13/01/2020 00:11

You sound as bad as each other! When the original event was cancelled one if you could have suggested doing something else as you both had the evening booked out!

CursedDiamond · 13/01/2020 07:30

Thing is, with reciprocal things, you want to counter offer like with like. So, if you’d asked me out for a drink, I could have countered with an alternative. But asking to an event...you want to counter with another event. Because with the latter, you might be unsure if is actually a date and so you want to counter with something that has the ‘not just us talking to each other’ element that an event has, which coffee/a drink doesn’t.

Thinkingabout1t · 13/01/2020 08:31

Best of luck! xx

Surplus2requirements · 13/01/2020 11:20

Putting myself in the others shoes I think I wouldve been very unsure the invite to an event was a date and would have agonized about suggesting something more intimate and obvious like a drink with you alone.

The more I valued your friendship coupled with deeper feelings the more likely I would have chickened out through self doubt and lack of trust in my ability to read signals.

I'm a bloke and reasonably confident in most things but with stuff like this I over think massively and tie myself in knots and the more important it feels the harder it is to initiate anything......or remember how to speak normally and how legs work.

Amazing I got together with anyone really Blush Don't give up.

YasssKween · 13/01/2020 11:32

Putting myself in the others shoes I think I wouldve been very unsure the invite to an event was a date and would have agonized about suggesting something more intimate and obvious like a drink with you alone.

Ooh I agree with this. I'd have thought I'd need to match it with an invite to another event and if one didn't spring to mind I might have said thanks and left it to next time I saw you to try and work out if you meant it as a date or just going to the event. And I'm gobby as shit, so if he's shy I think that's a real possibility. Hopefully you can get a feel for what might happen next when you chat in person Smile

letsjog · 13/01/2020 13:29

@Surplus2requirements put it better than me!

Noshowlomo · 13/01/2020 13:32

Good luck and let us know. Sounds like he’s shy to me!

Original poster
KatDubs261 · 13/01/2020 19:08

I bumped into him today even though I'm not meant to see him properly until tomorrow!!

Oh god it was so awkward. He looked pleased to see me but it was obviously the elephant in the room. He went bright red and was clearly struggling to speak to me in the usual relaxed way! He didn't even bring it up - he was just as attentive and chatty, even a bit more touchy feely I thought.

But we were both standing there like -> BlushBlush I haven't been this shy around a guy since I was a teen - 'I'm 28!

I am still expecting him to bring it up when we have more time together but yeah - he was clearly freaking out a bit. Reckon I underestimated his level of social awkwardness.

Either I've made a mess of things or planted the seed in his mind, not sure which.

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Original poster
KatDubs261 · 13/01/2020 19:19

Any thoughts on what I've said? Words to make me feel better?? Ha ha!

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toomanyleggings · 13/01/2020 19:22

Rejection. I'd never ask a man out personally. Seems desperate and I don't think they ever truly value you even if you end up marrying them. The dynamic is off

sonjadog · 13/01/2020 19:29

I think you just have to let this one play out now. If he is that awkward, he has obviously understood that you like him. So now it remains to be seen if he is going to do anything about it...

Claphands · 13/01/2020 19:38

Sounds to me like he does like you but is very shy, I was very shy when I was younger and sometimes said no when I meant yes (to dates!) if you like him that much just see what happens next time you’re at a relaxed event together.

Stillsexystillsingle · 13/01/2020 19:45

I have one like this at work I would say don't give up on him but don't let what you have with him stop you being open to the possibility of meeting other men either or you may miss out on someone with whom communication isn't this difficult and you may find actually you're better suited with.. although equally you may find you're not!

Original poster
KatDubs261 · 13/01/2020 19:58

I wonder if he does realise I like him sonjadog. I thought either he gets it now or he's not sure about whether it's a date or not hence awkwardness.

Anytime we're in a group he always focuses on me and stays with me. But then nothing actually happens because...we're in a group.

I really like him so I'll give it some time to play out/see if he asks me. If nothing happens, I will feel a bit sad but will have to think about dating others...

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mumwon · 13/01/2020 20:11

do you know if he has an interest or activity type hobby something that if you went to would be more about that than being to intense? something that you might do with another couple of friends (smaller group to break ice) & is it possible that he is gay & is happy to chat with you but not that way?

TheGinGenie · 13/01/2020 20:17

Crikey, ignore the post about men not valuing you for asking them out, it's not the 1950s!

Original poster
KatDubs261 · 13/01/2020 20:18

Yes this event I invited him to was literally related to our shared hobby. He did say he would really liked to have come if he didn't have plans and it did seem like something he would like.

We can discount gay for sure, I know that's not the case.

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Original poster
KatDubs261 · 13/01/2020 20:23

I was so sure he liked me! As in 98% sure. I have only ever asked men out a couple of times before when I've felt that level of certainty. Now I'm very confused and a bit shocked at my possible judgement for getting it wrong.

Does he realise how hard it is to put yourself out there and for him to not even mention that I'd asked today?! While talking to him today I brought a gift out of my bag to show him and as he was touching it, I was thinking what lovely hands he has. I have it bad! Blush

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AlternativePerspective · 13/01/2020 20:23

Tbh I would take the awkwardness as a sign that he’s realised that you like him but that it’s not reciprocated.

It’s a really difficult one when you like someone a lot as a friend but find out that they want something more and you’re not in a position to give it to them, but the situation as such means that he can’t say anything because you didn’t indicate that it was a date per se, so he doesn’t want to bring it up first.

I would let it go tbh and chalk it up to experience.

mnahmnah · 13/01/2020 20:30

I would definitely have a chat with the mutual friend. The sooner you have an answer the sooner you can cope being around him! Grin

Original poster
KatDubs261 · 13/01/2020 20:32

Ha ha. I'll have a car journey with the mutual friend in the next couple of weeks. They have become best buddies lately so I'll definitely get an answer out of him.

Feeling quite upset and confused at the moment though. I would have described his behaviour as attentive and flirty in the way that my serious boyfriends were before we got together. Different from just close friendship imo.

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ChipsyChopsy · 13/01/2020 20:33

Hmmm, I don't know. I had a very similar scenario to this about 10 years ago. It seemed to me and everyone around us that there was mutual attraction/feelings. He never acted on them, he always fell short of following through on deed or word. Went on for a year until I eventually told him how I felt. He seemed relieved and happy that I'd finally said something. He then never texted me and a week later sent me an email with some lame arsed excuse as to why we shouldn't be a couple.

I'm now married with kids and I still cannot fathom what the fuck happened. But the old saying 'p*ss or get off the pot' seems especially relevant for these blokes.

Original poster
KatDubs261 · 13/01/2020 20:49

How strange ChipsyChopsy! Glad it's worked out for you though. I think our mutual friends have been wondering about us. One friend hinted that he thought there was something going as we always show up to events together in the evening. Pure coincidence as it happens!

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