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Original poster

Asked him out - should I take this as rejection?

233 replies

KatDubs261 · 12/01/2020 21:15

Hey everyone, so there is a guy I see fairly often who is quite shy and who I am fairly sure likes me. I've worked out that he is single although I don't know if he is dating.

I asked him to come to an event with me in a few days via Facebook. He replied that he would really liked to have come but already has plans. He then thanked me for the invite.

I'll see him in a couple of days and will just need to be ok about it. Does this sound like rejection or a 'not this time' to you?

OP posts:
TheGinGenie · 14/01/2020 07:16

Don't overly rely on mutual friends - I have someone everyone would assume is a mutual friend with DP but I never told him about my feelings because I didn't trust him and DP didn't talk about me either. We were sleeping together and friend had no idea.

booboo24 · 14/01/2020 07:23

My initial reaction was he probably thought you were particularly inviting him to that event, not a general invite to go out with you, so therefore not a rejection. Maybe something else will crop up soon or if you're more confident than I am you could just ask if he fancies a drink after work?

TheMemoryLingers · 14/01/2020 07:28

Generally, if you have to start a thread on Mumsnet asking if a man is interested - he isn't. Sad

BuckingFrolics · 14/01/2020 07:44

He may be very interested in you AND unable to move beyond friendship.

It may be that eg he worries about being in a relationship with someone from work, or he has never had a relationship and is too anxious about that, or his home is a dump and he can't imagine how he's ever bring you there, or he's massively in debt, or he's got three children and a wife ... by which i mean you just cannot know what's going on for him that means he's unable or feels unable, to act in what may be a real attraction to you.

So your choices are either lay off, or talk to him - "I'd like to get to know you outside of work and I find you an all-round attractive person: would you be up for this?"

FlowerArranger · 14/01/2020 09:24

He is aware that you fancy him but most likely it is not reciprocated, which is why he seems embarrassed and awkward.

Sorry!

Surplus2requirements · 14/01/2020 11:27

Does he realise how hard it is to put yourself out there

I think he's very much so realising.

Getting to know someone through a group of friends means you can get to know someone really well and develops strong feelings without taking the risk of rejection.

The downside of that is the risk of rejection is so much more frightening when you already have strong feelings.

One of you needs to take the risk, it doesn't matter who.

I'd tell him the same.

notthisshitagain · 14/01/2020 12:23

Is this the guy from work again? This is about the 5th thread under different names. It really doesn't seem to be going anywhere, OP.

Original poster
KatDubs261 · 15/01/2020 18:18

I have an update. I saw him today and he asked how the event went. He then said he was annoyed that he wasn't able to come with me and felt like he'd missed out because it sounded great!

I then told him the events are on every month (this is in relation to our shared hobby, btw) and he said 'In that case, let me know if you want to go again next time?'. So I said great, I will. I then told him I've signed up to all the events every month (give or take a few) and he said 'I think I'll probably do the same then.'

Could be a good sign? If nothing happens next time I'll definitely give up!

OP posts:
CatAndHisKit · 16/01/2020 01:19

I think you've been too subtle for him (as he's so shy) - sounds like he thinks you aer just being friendly rather than interested in dating. If he doesn't act more foreward next time but is being flirty, just ask hin out for a drink.

SpoonBlender · 16/01/2020 03:08

Honestly, you need to straight up ask him out on a date instead of fannying around. If you wait until next month's event you'll either explode from tension or you'll persuade yourself he hates you and ghost him. JFDI.

wondertime · 16/01/2020 03:30

I think he’s interested and was kicking himself that he couldn’t go had thought of a casual reply to ensure you both get a second chance!

wakemewhenitsallover · 16/01/2020 03:55

That's a great update! :)

Thinkingabout1t · 16/01/2020 22:56

Good news!

Stillsexystillsingle · 17/01/2020 19:10

Good news he's interested in going to future events with you don't stress about something happening or not happening just focus on spending time together and if it is meant to happen eventually it will

IdiotInDisguise · 17/01/2020 19:17

Well, if he really liked you, he would have said “I have plans but what about meeting on x date for (whatever)”

He didn’t so he is either not really interested or if he is that shy... I don’t know but I would find it quite off putting be the one on the helm all the time because he is shy.

IdiotInDisguise · 17/01/2020 19:18

Oh! Didn’t realise there was a second page. Good news!

Moose42 · 17/01/2020 19:26

People are saying that he’s not interested because there was no counter offer, but I’d probably assume that he hadn’t thought of it as being “asked out” as such. Particularly if it’s an event to do with a mutual hobby. I asked a guy friend to come to a hobby event with me this weekend, and it’s certainly not a date.

Sounds positive that he wants to join you another time though. It sounds like he wants to spend time with you. Maybe if you do your hobby thing next time, the conversation will naturally go towards getting a drink or a meal in between the events.

VodkaRevelation · 17/01/2020 19:33

Seems like he didn’t realise you were asking him out. He’s obviously keen to spend time with you judging by your follow up conversations, and he is perhaps too shy to ask you out. I think you should outright ask him for a drink, just you and him.

Original poster
KatDubs261 · 17/01/2020 22:55

What I'm thinking is...we both finish work 2 hours before the next event starts. If I ask him to dinner/drinks beforehand that may seem more like a date?

I mean, it's fairly simple. I want to spend time with someone that wants to spend time with me! If he doesn't bite on the second invite, I reckon it's game over.

He's been very thoughtful in the last few days. I have a show this weekend that I told him about in passing 2 weeks ago. Today he remembered and asked how i'm feeling about it.

OP posts:
Cherrygirl3 · 17/01/2020 23:10

So he's shy and your nervous as you really like him.....think this may take a bit of time to get off the ground so don't give up just yet. Definitely try to relax around him and see what happens! Looking forward to an update. Smile

TimeForPlentyIn2020 · 18/01/2020 00:11

I think you've been too subtle for him

She’s asked him out!!!

OP do you really want to be with somebody who is this hard work? Who appears really interested, but then is lukewarm when you make a move?

Original poster
KatDubs261 · 18/01/2020 00:37

Hmm, I'm not sure...

On the one hand, I agree it wasn't at all obvious I was asking him on a date. On the other, it is not too difficult for him to ask me given he knows I want to spend time together ...but he STILL seems bashful around me although I've asked him now.

Regardless I'm going to have another go at it. Purely because I do feel as though he is very into me. Overall, no, I don't want lukewarm. I don't mind making initial moves with a shy person in the beginning.

OP posts:
blueshoes · 18/01/2020 00:43

Good news on the update.

However, he still has not made firm plans which is annoying. Faint heart never won fair lady. I like the 'piss or get off the pot' analogy.

He is hard work. I would suggest you try to occupy yourself with dating other men. If he comes through in the end, great. Otherwise, he is just wasting your time.

Original poster
KatDubs261 · 18/01/2020 01:04

He has not made firm plans yet, no. But he has asked me to let him know when I want to go to the next event?

I see this going 2 ways. Either I tell him the date, we go to dinner etc, everything is swell. I will expect everything from there to be more reciprocal.

He very easily makes plans with our mutual friend Scot, so I'd like to know why it's so hard with me. As he seems fairly interested, all I can think is that he is more inexperienced than I've realised.

There is a chance that he is not interested....but doesn't seem to be the case.

OP posts:
heartyrebel · 18/01/2020 01:06

Hes shy so you need to make the moves. I'd say something like "so when we are gonna go get a drink then".
My ex was shy and I had to drive it, and tbh, I started to hate it later in the relationship as I felt like it was always me having to do all the work while he just showed up.