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Original poster

Red flags? ***includes content some might find upsetting***

293 replies

mermaidtales · 12/01/2020 17:38

I don't even know why I'm asking, I think I'm just so disappointed and upset, I need to vent.

I was going to ask if the following scenario was red flag territory but of course it is.

I've been seeing a lovely guy for around ten months. We have a lot in common and I enjoy spending time with him. We have talked about a future and I was looking forward to this.

He has shown some controlling behaviour previously. Asked me to delete certain males off social media etc. I refused but he wasn't happy.

I recently liked an insta post of somebody he particularly dislikes. We had a date yesterday and were in bed and he mentioned it. He told me to delete this person and I told him no, I won't be told who I can and can't interact with on SM.

He then initiated anal sex. I said no I didn't want to. He held me down and did it anyway. I was shocked and upset but I didn't try to throw him off or anything. It was very obvious I was upset afterwards and he apologised profusely, and continued to apologise by text later on. However, by way of explanation, he said that he'd needed to dominate me because I refused to do as I was asked regarding social media.

I'm feeling very confused and upset. I do enjoy quite rough sex, but I know this was different. And I believe he knows this was different too.

I guess I am asking how others would feel? I know it's a massive warning sign and in my heart of hearts I know he hurt and disrespected me. I'm just gutted overall.

OP posts:
SoTiredTonight · 13/01/2020 01:39

Just want to say that I am so so sorry that he did this to you. Of course you don’t know what to feel, but please be guided by the advice given by PP. He raped you sweetheart. And you even have his admission in writing. Report if you can, definitely speak to someone and get medically checked, but above all, don’t ever let him near you again. Sending you love and please stay safe! x

SummerWhisper · 13/01/2020 01:42

Dear Mermaid, I am so sorry that you have been through this.

If you need to find your anger, do it in a safe space, preferably with a professional in this field.

Never respond to his messages again. Keep yourself safe. He is off the scale dangerous.

It wasn't anal sex, it was anal rape. I'm so sorry and I hope you can get through this Flowers

PerkyPomPoms · 13/01/2020 01:56

He is a rapist- I hope you feel that you can report it

Zebracat · 13/01/2020 02:03

Oh my dear. I think that you are anaesthetised by shock right now. You did nothing wrong. He did something very wrong. Please please don’t see this man again. Keep yourself safe from him. Please get help in real life. I really want to say please go to the Police, but I know that is up to you.

forumdonkey · 13/01/2020 07:03

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. It's shocking and heartbreaking to read. Having never experienced anything like it, I can only imagine how you felt and what you're feeling. I really can't imagine how anyone could fight off a man who has them pinned down in that way but one thing is for sure, he raped you and even he knows that he did and acknowledges that.

I hope you find the strength to seek RL help for yourself. 💐

MyuMe · 13/01/2020 07:33

So sorry OP. I hope you are ok. I admit I haven't read all of this.

He has put it in writing on text message what he did and why. He will find it very hard to deny specific intent.

Ghostontoast · 13/01/2020 07:48

I’m really sorry this happened.

He raped you to assert his power. This is not a “nice” man. Please don’t let him get the opportunity to hurt you again.

Please speak to someone about this. Don’t keep it bottled inside.

LotteLupin · 13/01/2020 08:28

Yes as Myume says, he has literally texted you that he anally raped you because you wouldn't obey him.

I'm slightly changing my advice to say please show someone. You could call or see Victim Support. Then they'll help and direct you.

And please go to the doctor today.

😘💐

LotteLupin · 13/01/2020 08:34

Sometimes flipping it helps you to see it for what it is.

If you'd insisted he delete a female friend because you hated her, and he'd said no, what would you have done?

You might have been upset, felt anxious there was more to his conversation, felt jealous. What if you'd been so angry you'd restrained him and raped him with a big dildo until he bled, with him lying there totally passive? Would that have been ok?

No. And you'd be a lunatic. He is a lunatic. And you've been attacked.

I'm so sorry - please do go and see someone today Xxx

AsleepAllDay · 13/01/2020 09:05

OP look up 'dissociation', it's a technique your brain can use when exposed to trauma. It's protecting you by switching off your feelings right now x

ravenmum · 13/01/2020 09:10

I was attacked when I was 15 and was embarrassed to tell the police because I didn't feel like I had reacted right, and I felt it looked like I was making it all up. I also didn't feel "classic" fear during the event. I told my mum and did report it to the police, but actually found that more traumatic than the event itself, due to social anxiety! We are complex creatures and often find it hard to work out what's going on in our own heads.

I'd still consider reporting it to the police if you feel up to it, as although (as I say) I found that really hard, I am still very glad now that I did it, almost as confirmation that something bad happened. You do seem to have proof that it happened, from him, so it won't be a "your word against his" situation, will it?

Gutterton · 13/01/2020 09:19

www.rapecrisis.org.uk have an online chat room - you don’t need to talk - just post a link to this thread.

They also have online resources that may be able to support you.

If he is panicking and apologising then this is evidence that he brutally violated you intentionally against your will. He is scared of what you will do next and will want to shut you up so he is even more dangerous - do not be alone with him.

He might well have a criminal record.

EvilPea · 13/01/2020 09:41

It took me years to acknowledge I’d been raped (and repeatedly in a relationship)
I too froze.
Flowers
I wished I’d done something about it st the time. But couldn’t / didn’t.

Given your role I’m sure you know about the clinics that store all the evidence, make sure your physically ok and get you access to counselling without having to report immediately.
It buys you time to get over the shock and should you decide to report, it’s there.

Jitterbugger · 13/01/2020 09:52

LotteLupin, thank you. It feels like it all happened to someone else now. It's an odd sensation of knowing it happened to me but feeling like it's something I watched rather than experienced. It's hard to describe.

Please read each post carefully, OP. What he has done is beyond appalling. Don't downplay it or excuse it. He has betrayed you in the worst way possible. He will do this again.

ScrimshawTheSecond · 13/01/2020 10:04

I hope I start to feel something soon. Right now I feel like a mannequin. Waiting for my emotions to be switched on.

You are in shock. Your mind/body is protecting you at the moment. It's a completely natural response, just be gentle with yourself.

I would advise seeking help from professionals. That would possibly mean: doctors to get yourself checked, police, rape crisis, mental health counsellors/therapists.

We're all here for you too, but I would advise you to contact people in RL who are qualified and experienced, who can help you.

ScrimshawTheSecond · 13/01/2020 10:05

Flowers to everyone on this thread who has experienced similar.

differentnameforthis · 13/01/2020 10:40

Op, he raped you. Please report him. And leave him.

81Byerley · 13/01/2020 10:51

I think the day you speak to someone in real life is the day you will finally realise what this horrible man has done to you. if you were my daughter, I would beg you to go to the police. Think about it. He has tried to control you in other ways, and when he couldn't do that, because you stood up to him, he forced you to submit to him in the most despicable way. Not even a vaginal rape, which would have been bad enough, but an anal rape, designed to make you feel even more worthless. The police will not think it less of a crime because you laid there. You said no, and he continued. He knew it was wrong, he apologised. For your own sake, report him. Dial 101 and ask them if they think it is serious enough to be reported. I hope you have kept his texts.
If you report him , you may be saving someone else in the future from going through this. He may need the shock to pull him up and make him realise the seriousness of not accepting that women have the right to say no and mean it. By not reporting him, you are submitting to his control again.

Nifflernancy · 13/01/2020 10:53

I’m so sorry Flowers

TheBuggerlugs · 13/01/2020 11:06

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns.

justilou1 · 13/01/2020 11:43

Darling, I forgot to mention also that despite it being 30 years ago, (I was anally raped also) I have internal scars that interfere with daily hygiene (defecation) from tears inflicted during the rape. If I had sought medical attention straight away, they probably would have been fixed. Please see your doctor. He/she will hopefully be able to help you get the physical and emotional help you need to start to heal. Big hugs!!!

Ginkypig · 13/01/2020 12:04

There has been a lot of really great advice on here so I won't go on and on adding more of the same but I wanted to send a message asking after you. It's so soon that you're probably not really ready yet and infact haven't even felt the truth of it yet due to the shock, but I hope when the next waves of this hit you (like they did for all of us who experienced similar to you) that you can come back here and know you are not alone. Iv been where you are (not to minimise or assume of course) others have too, I am nearly 20 years on from it and one day you will be too.

We know what happened to you, we believe you and most of us are ready and willing to share with you and support you as best as this format (anonymous internet thread) will allow.

Branleuse · 13/01/2020 12:14

The fact that you didnt resist doesnt make it consensual. Thats self protection. You could have had serious internal damage if youd have fought back

81Byerley · 13/01/2020 12:21

Take notice of @justilou1.

Gutterton · 13/01/2020 12:24

You have taken an important step posting here.

His actions will have deep long term physical and emotional ramifications.

Getting professional support or opening up to a friend in RL is an opportunity for damage limitation.

You don’t need to develop PTSD which will emotionally hijack and limit your life (relationships with family and friends, work, future relationships, MH, physical health).

You need support to process and heal as best you can from this brutal physical assault and power attack obliterating your sense of trust and intimacy.