Red flags? ***includes content some might find upsetting***

[mermaidtales]

I don't even know why I'm asking, I think I'm just so disappointed and upset, I need to vent.

I was going to ask if the following scenario was red flag territory but of course it is.

I've been seeing a lovely guy for around ten months. We have a lot in common and I enjoy spending time with him. We have talked about a future and I was looking forward to this.

He has shown some controlling behaviour previously. Asked me to delete certain males off social media etc. I refused but he wasn't happy.

I recently liked an insta post of somebody he particularly dislikes. We had a date yesterday and were in bed and he mentioned it. He told me to delete this person and I told him no, I won't be told who I can and can't interact with on SM.

He then initiated anal sex. I said no I didn't want to. He held me down and did it anyway. I was shocked and upset but I didn't try to throw him off or anything. It was very obvious I was upset afterwards and he apologised profusely, and continued to apologise by text later on. However, by way of explanation, he said that he'd needed to dominate me because I refused to do as I was asked regarding social media.

I'm feeling very confused and upset. I do enjoy quite rough sex, but I know this was different. And I believe he knows this was different too.

I guess I am asking how others would feel? I know it's a massive warning sign and in my heart of hearts I know he hurt and disrespected me. I'm just gutted overall.

I'm so so sorry this has happened to you. You are not to blame in any way. It's normal to question why you acted as you did but the body goes into freeze when it senses it cannot overcome the danger. It's a survival mechanism.

Please please report. You have texts of him admitting it. I know you may want it all go to away and it may feel like a mountain to climb, but as you take any tiny step that feeling will pass.

Is there anyone at all you would be able to confide in?

You don't have to decide about reporting right now.

Please see a medic, though. Please?

Please screenshot everything and then email it to yourself so you have the evidence safe.

Please also block him everywhere immediately.

I was coerced into anal sex by a boyfriend, possibly not as brutally as what you experienced, but I don’t know really, maybe it is the same, it’s confusing isn’t it? I said no, he did it anyway, he didn’t seem to notice or care that I was crying. I wasted a few years of my life with that idiot. He doesn’t understand why I want nothing to do with him. And it makes me feel like a total bitch because he has been so fucking puppy-dog and pathetic about it. He still tries to contact my friends!

There’s some really good advice on here with regards to reporting so it might be worth exploring that.

Hugs to you. It’s shit being a woman sometimes.

Is there a friend who can come round and spend the evening with you? I’m crap at asking for things like that too, but sometimes it’s necessary.

@justilou1 for you...

Gosh, OP. Please do see a doctor and consider reporting him.

I wish I could make you a cup of tea and give you a hug.

Good luck.

Mermaid, I'm adding my voice to all those asking you to see a doctor. You were injured and left bleeding -- that is serious. The sooner you have a check-up and start any treatment that's needed, the better your chance of avoiding long-term damage.

And I do understand that part of your pain is grieving for what you thought was a loving relationship. I do feel for you. If it helps, imagine you'd stayed and had children with him before he started showing his violent nature. You've dodged a bullet.

Thank you to everyone, for all of the messages of support and also sharing difficult experiences.

I've told 1 person in RL so I do have some more support.

I am so frustrated at my own responses though! I'm sad and I'm lonely and I'm still not angry. He hasn't tried to contact me at all and it's left me wondering if he ever cared about me at all? Where the hell has my self respect gone? I loathe myself right now.

@mermaidtales Your reaction is shock and probably PTSD. Self preservation and perfectly normal. I do hope you find the strength to seek some professional help and also to report him to the police.

@mermaidtales Good to hear from you. And so glad you spoke to someone in RL!
Don’t put any pressure on yourself about how you do or should feel. This is NOT a normal situation and there is no normal reaction to it. You will quite likely have a delayed reaction as I’m pretty sure you are still in shock and numb.
I’m not sure what I think about him not trying to contact you. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad you DON’T have contact. But I can’t figure out if he’s trying to manipulate you into missing him or whether he’s scared of repercussions and is keeping his distance so as not to rub salt in the wound? Anyhow, it doesn’t really matter what the fuck his intentions are, the only person of import here is YOU! Please contact a professional organisation for some ‘proper’ support. You’ve done the hardest part already by taking the step of talking to someone you know. We are all behind you! Much love!

@mermaidtales

You are massively brave, telling someone. Well done seems a very trite thing to say in the face of how monumental that step is.

It's ok to feel absolutely horrendous and confused and angry with yourself etc. A terrible thing has happened and it's like being dropped into a dark wood in the middle of the night, you are in uncharted territory. You've never had to survive something like this before - of course you will feel all sorts of scary and unexpected things.

I just want you to know I have been where you are, and I'm holding your hand. I'm sending you my love, support, and absolute reassurance that you have done nothing wrong.

The feelings of self loathing, longing and sadness are all so very familiar. They are normal in the context of a brutal assault by someone you trusted. I'm so sorry. I get it, I really do x

Well done for talking to someone. Please make sure you go and get checked out though.

This man is awful. You are worth so much more than him and staying in a relationship with him will bring a lifetime of abuse.

Op your loathing is misdirected, you have been horribly abused through no fault of your own, you are numb with shock and sad at what might have been if he hadn't been a controlling rapist.

Try and turn your loathing towards him, imagine he had done this to someone you care about a friend maybe.....

Please get to a Dr just to ensure there is no lasting damage....

Your responses and feelings are what they are. I don't think there is any "right" way to think about this, because it is a complex situation. It is all very well for us to sit behind our screens and feel a very clear anger towards what this man has done to you, because we don't have the background you have with him and the feelings you built up for him - so what you are processing is far more complex and it will take time.

In time, I'm sure you will be able to feel and process the anger, but you'll get to that in your own time.

I've just googled the stages of grief to remind myself of them (though I think the order of them can be different for different people and some stages get missed out for some people). It seems appropriate, as it makes sense that you might be going through a grief process atm because you had plans with this man and feelings for him - and it's not easy to switch all of that off.

So there's denial, numbness and shock - which could well be where you are at the moment, bargaining, depression, anger and acceptance

You don't deserve to loathe yourself. Please try to allow yourself to process all of these things in your own time. Be mindful that you need to keep away from him and that what he did was absolutely appalling and be prepared for him to try and wheedle his way back into your life so you have defences ready.

I'm glad you've got some real life support

Op I’ve been thinking of you all day.
I cannot get over his ‘need to dominate you’, like a dog in the park. He is a vile vile man.

Well done for telling someone, it’s hard saying and finding those words. I remember feeling like a fraud the first time I said them.

Good for you, for speaking to someone.
This is your individual, unique experience so you can react to it individually and uniquely. You can't adjust your emotions to create a one-size-fits-all "correct" reaction. And emotions can be hard to identify at the best of times.

So pleased you have someone IRL to talk to, OP

I don't know what I can add apart from I agree with what everyone else has said about this and I wanted to voice my support. I hope you can find the strength to reach out for professional help. Rape crisis is confidential so I would try talking to them to help you process this. I also agree with others who recommended getting samples taken so that you have evidence should you decide to prosecute. It's no surprise at all that you haven't emotionally processed this, you were previously planning your life with this man, it's a massive shock. When I've been abused by men I've felt numb too, only much later feeling overwhelming anger, as well as sadly, disgust with myself that I allowed anyone to treat me like that. Numbing yourself is a defence mechanism, to stop you being overwhelmed all at once.

@mermaidtales - suspect he knows what he’s done and is scared shitless. This won’t have been the first time. Please go to the police/doctor and make this official. He needs to stop hurting women. He really doesn’t like them.

Oh my god I felt sick reading this. He is vile and is a rapist. I’m sorry this happened to you. Please get rid.

Keep all the texts from him ‘apologising’ for raping you.

Please see a doctor and make sure there aren’t any tears etc that could cause problems later on too.

Err..... he's not lovely though, is he? Get the fuck away from him while you still can xx This will not be a one off. He has blatantly raped you, and you feel disrespected? Get a grip!! Please, please, do not allow yourself to become a statistic! Report him. He needs to be stopped, not just for you, but also for the rest of us out there. You take care of you, please. If not, you can only expect more of the same, no matter what his "excuses" are. Stop him now xx

If you'd said no more forcefully to anal sex what do you suppose the outcome would have been?

I can see that you are saying to yourself I should have fought/been more forceful in my NO. This is the same argument I have with myself about being raped when I was 5. I know my thinking is irrational but I still feel culpable.

Sorry that happened to you.
Im going to say what I wish someone had said to me if I had the balls to be honest about what was going on at the time - DO NOT overlook it or ignore something you think might be a red flag. TRUST YOUR INITIAL GUT INSTINCT - And RUN don't go back because it will get worse. Look what he's got away with already. Dont listen to the bullshit reasoning or excuses. Noone who actually cares for you would ever treat you like that. Seek support please and counselling xo

My ex did a very similar thing. He raped me, I left him.

Please wake up and walk now