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Original poster

Red flags? ***includes content some might find upsetting***

293 replies

mermaidtales · 12/01/2020 17:38

I don't even know why I'm asking, I think I'm just so disappointed and upset, I need to vent.

I was going to ask if the following scenario was red flag territory but of course it is.

I've been seeing a lovely guy for around ten months. We have a lot in common and I enjoy spending time with him. We have talked about a future and I was looking forward to this.

He has shown some controlling behaviour previously. Asked me to delete certain males off social media etc. I refused but he wasn't happy.

I recently liked an insta post of somebody he particularly dislikes. We had a date yesterday and were in bed and he mentioned it. He told me to delete this person and I told him no, I won't be told who I can and can't interact with on SM.

He then initiated anal sex. I said no I didn't want to. He held me down and did it anyway. I was shocked and upset but I didn't try to throw him off or anything. It was very obvious I was upset afterwards and he apologised profusely, and continued to apologise by text later on. However, by way of explanation, he said that he'd needed to dominate me because I refused to do as I was asked regarding social media.

I'm feeling very confused and upset. I do enjoy quite rough sex, but I know this was different. And I believe he knows this was different too.

I guess I am asking how others would feel? I know it's a massive warning sign and in my heart of hearts I know he hurt and disrespected me. I'm just gutted overall.

OP posts:
mummaaw · 12/01/2020 22:56

Whether you enjoyed it or not he raped you !!
Never see him again and report him
He is clearly very manipulative and a pyco

baubled · 12/01/2020 22:57

I'm not going to pretend I have any clue what a "standard reaction" is or how it must feel but it is so far past a red flag it's untrue.

This shouldn't have happened to you and saying no is enough, holding you down even when you aren't resisting is going against your wishes.

What an absolute twat is he, massive fucking arsehole. I understand you're mourning a missed future but in reality you're escaping a terrifying one, if that's what he does after a social media like what will he do if he sees you talking to a man you work with, friends husband just a male friend.

IncrediblySadToo · 12/01/2020 23:01

I think a lot of ‘that’s rape’ stuff on MN isn’t

However, this definitely was.

You’re grieving the person you thought he was & the relationship you thought you would have, you’re feeling sad for the life you thought you were having and that’s oerfectly nirmsl and understandable.

However, he’s a danger to you and other women so you need to stay away from him and if you can, report him. It reduces the chances of him hurting other women, but if you can’t face it then you need to look after yourself first. (You can make it a bit easier on yourself by making an appointment to speak to someone in the police and showing them his text messages)

You HAVE to separate who you thought he was and who he actually is. (So being sad for what you thought you had is fine, wanting him in your life is not!)

If you’re physically still hurting you need to see a Doctor to be sure no damage has been done.

Take care x

MusicTeacherSussex · 12/01/2020 23:01

Dearest, this is rape. You said no. Keep the texts as evidence and call the police. If you have a close friend of relative, tell them and get them to hold you to calling the police. Not ok, he has broken the law and your trust.

Get out, now.

Sagradafamiliar · 12/01/2020 23:02

God I feel so angry reading that. How dare he. He hasn't even tried to hide the fact it was 'punishment' for resisting his control.
You aren't unusual to feel the way you do. But if you report this cunt, those messages are a gift. Don't delete them, even if you don't intend on doing anything with them. Email them to yourself as a back up in case he gets hold of your phone.
Thanks

MsPepperPotts · 12/01/2020 23:03

I've been seeing a lovely guy for around ten months. We have a lot in common and I enjoy spending time with him. We have talked about a future and I was looking forward to this.

No he is not a lovely guy.
He's a controlling abusive bastard with absolutely zero respect for you and your feelings
If you are contemplating carrying on seeing him after what he has done then you need to give your head a serious wobble.
Get rid! Angry

MusicTeacherSussex · 12/01/2020 23:03

@wheretonow123 no. Matter for the police, not medieval family revenge saga. That will only make matters worse.

81Byerley · 12/01/2020 23:04

Keep the texts and go to the police.

mummaaw · 12/01/2020 23:05

I have been in your situation, I thought I loved someone who kept doing this to me
At the time I didn't even realise I was being raped because I liked him and I still wanted him but please have the courage to leave and accept that it was rape no matter how you feel about it

PhoenixIsFlying · 12/01/2020 23:11

I am so sorry you have experienced this. Please though be sure that at the moment he is a ‘lovely’ man who occasionally behaves terribly. If you accept his apologies and continue with him then your future will be with a terrible man who is occasionally ‘lovely’. Please leave now and give yourself a good future xx

Emptybox · 12/01/2020 23:12

He raped you. He’s not a lovely guy. He’s a rapist. He has been controlling, and now he’s trying to gaslight you into believing it’s your fault, that you’re responsible. You’re traumatised by it, which is why you don’t know how to feel right now. Your brain is in ‘get you home’ mode, like when your car breaks down. Normal service will resume. For now, call the police if you feel able. If not, call whatever local devices are available. Women’s Aid, Rape Crisis, Samaritans, your nearest refuge. Do that ASAP, they will guide you through what to do next. Lock your door, don’t let him in. See if somebody can be with you. Don’t answer your phone. Text or email only, painful as it is. Phone calls can be denied, but texts and emails are legal documents admissible in court. Don’t delete any of his texts, in fact try and screenshot them, even if you can’t read them right now. Do the same with emails. Anal rape will have damaged you physically, so get yourself seen ASAP.

Be guided by your local support services, they are there for you. If you can bear to do it, call the police.
There is nothing good about this man at all. He is an absolute git, pure and simple. I so, so hope you get help and he gets what’s coming to him.

Borderterrierpuppy · 12/01/2020 23:14

It’s not a red flag, a red flag is a warning sign.

He assaulted you
Raped you
Does not value you, please report to the police and get some help for you, so sorry this happened. Btw he probably planned it.

Interestedwoman · 12/01/2020 23:16

'I didn't fight him off, I lay there while he did it. I feel like I can't report that?'

Mate, you said no. Couldn'tve done more or been clearer. xxx

So sorry this happened to you. Please report him if you can, as you won't be the first or the last :( Hugs xxxxx

Interestedwoman · 12/01/2020 23:20

Feelings can be really weird for a while after a rape, like it hasn't really hit you yet what happened or you're in denial, a massive range of feelings for each survivor. All normal. xx

YappityYapYap · 12/01/2020 23:21

Oh dear god, he raped you OP. I know it seems like a shock and maybe hard to digest but that's exactly what happened. He did it to gain control over you and he has even blatantly admitted that he did it because you wouldn't obey his orders. Keep the messages he sent, do not delete them. If you decide to go to the police, which I think you should but no pressure, maybe let it sink in first then when you feel ready, go to the police

Emptybox · 12/01/2020 23:22

As others have said, there’s a chance he will get off unpunished. But he won’t walk away smiling. He’ll be dragged through the mud, and the fact that he’s been investigated will haunt him. He’ll have a marker on his name. His employer will know. His family will know. Mud sticks. Gossip will follow him. It’ll come up on a DBS check. His DNA and fingerprints will stay on file. He won’t necessarily have a criminal record, but if he ever gets arrested again, this will be on his file. Somewhere the system will remember.

expat101 · 12/01/2020 23:22

Mermaid Tales please go to your Doctor or to hospital and get checked out, firstly to ensure you are not suffering any internal damage, and secondly, you need to be able to talk this through with someone and it might help that the someone is a professional with a raft of help at their fingertips.

Please do not put it off and please ensure this man does not have any access to your home. You need to cease contact with him immediately and you do not owe him any explanation whatsoever!

chocolatefudgecake17 · 12/01/2020 23:22

I'm so sorry this happened to you OP. Whatever you decide to do be kind to yourself and take care.

Marleyj8 · 12/01/2020 23:24

OP, dump him. He sounds vile. You've seen how he can be and he will only get worse as time goes on. Escape while you can. Report him to the police.
Hope you are OK

MadeForThis · 12/01/2020 23:28

He raped you.

Then he told you why, just in case you didn't get the message.

He's dangerous.

NumbersStation · 12/01/2020 23:29

He raped you.

He is frantically texting to try to minimise it because he knows he raped you.

And he raped you to show you that what he says goes. He is a monster.

If you feel able report him to the police and show them the texts.

I’m so sorry you are experiencing this. Flowers

letmebefrank · 12/01/2020 23:33

He's not lovely. He's a rapist. A controller who got angry when he couldn't control you, so he raped you.

Please report him.

whatisheupto · 12/01/2020 23:39

If you don't leave him, you are telling him that it was ok to treat you like that, and you are giving him a big green light to carry on. You are responsible for yourself here OP. Stop pondering what ifs and get the helm out of there fast. Thank goodness you don't have children (I hope?!). Run while you still can.

WillowintheUK · 12/01/2020 23:40

He raped you. Block and go to the police.

HazelBite · 12/01/2020 23:48

This is the ultimate act of "control" there is no way back from this OP and you surely realise that.
You must be so shocked and hurt at the moment , but whether you feel up to reporting this or not, please for your physical and mental health please walk away from him and never have any contact with him.

He is a vile man, just remember that, and that there is no future in this relationship.
Please look after yourself Flowers