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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Red flags? ***includes content some might find upsetting***

293 replies

mermaidtales · 12/01/2020 17:38

I don't even know why I'm asking, I think I'm just so disappointed and upset, I need to vent.

I was going to ask if the following scenario was red flag territory but of course it is.

I've been seeing a lovely guy for around ten months. We have a lot in common and I enjoy spending time with him. We have talked about a future and I was looking forward to this.

He has shown some controlling behaviour previously. Asked me to delete certain males off social media etc. I refused but he wasn't happy.

I recently liked an insta post of somebody he particularly dislikes. We had a date yesterday and were in bed and he mentioned it. He told me to delete this person and I told him no, I won't be told who I can and can't interact with on SM.

He then initiated anal sex. I said no I didn't want to. He held me down and did it anyway. I was shocked and upset but I didn't try to throw him off or anything. It was very obvious I was upset afterwards and he apologised profusely, and continued to apologise by text later on. However, by way of explanation, he said that he'd needed to dominate me because I refused to do as I was asked regarding social media.

I'm feeling very confused and upset. I do enjoy quite rough sex, but I know this was different. And I believe he knows this was different too.

I guess I am asking how others would feel? I know it's a massive warning sign and in my heart of hearts I know he hurt and disrespected me. I'm just gutted overall.

OP posts:
NumbersStation · 12/01/2020 23:52

And can I just repeat what others have said.

HE IS DANGEROUS.

mermaidtales · 12/01/2020 23:56

It is utter control. And if I'm truly honest with myself, there have been other signs of controlling behaviour.

I wish I could get a handle on my own feelings. I feel so distanced from the event itself. I'm just so surprised at my own reaction to it I guess. And the fact that I'm not even angry.

I'm very grateful for all the replies and messages of support. I cannot even imagine speaking to anybody about this right not, so this thread has really been my lifeline. And I thank you all for that.

I hope I start to feel something soon. Right now I feel like a mannequin. Waiting for my emotions to be switched on.

OP posts:
Catsandchardonnay · 12/01/2020 23:57

So sorry OP, another voice here saying that he raped you and you should go to the police. He is very dangerous and he’s trying to twist it so that you think it’s your fault he raped you because you didn’t obey him. Please get out of this relationship OP and get help.

HisBetterHalf · 12/01/2020 23:59

OP this is horrendous. Please keep yourself safe and stay away from this monster. If you dont, What happens the next time he asks you to do something that you refuse to do? If you forgive him its giving him the green light to provide further punishments everytime he is unhappy with you. What kind of man believes it is acceptable to provide punishment via anal rape for not blocking someone on SM? And as for being sorry, it is easy to say you are sorry after the act. This is one of the saddest things I have read on MN. Please take care

IHateUserName · 13/01/2020 00:00

I'm so sorry this happened to you Mermaid. Please leave this man ASAP, but do so carefully. Maybe go and stay at your parents or some friends for a while. If you feel up to it please report the rape to the police so they have his violence on record. Him committing this vile act so soon into your relationship and openly admitting why makes me scared for your safety if/when you break it off with him.

wildcherries · 13/01/2020 00:03

I wish I could get a handle on my own feelings. I feel so distanced from the event itself. I'm just so surprised at my own reaction to it I guess. And the fact that I'm not even angry.

I get it. It's the shock. I hope you feel strong enough to seek RL support and call for support soon. Again, I'm so sorry you had to endure this awful, awful experience.

katewhinesalot · 13/01/2020 00:10

No matter how tempted you are, don't have him back. If he gets away with this then he'll just push the boundaries further next time.

You are grieving for the relationship you thought you had. There are 5 stages of grief. You'll probably go through all the emotions at some point or other. There is no order. Go easy on yourself but don't weaken in your resolve to keep him away from you.

Keep the messages even if you decide not to take it any further.

MrsGarethSouthgate · 13/01/2020 00:12

OP, I am a police officer. You sound like you feel that you can't report this currently, which is not uncommon. However, you may feel differently in the future, so I have linked you to search for a Sexual Assault Referral Centre (SARC) below. You can attend for a medical and forensics, which you can choose to share with the police at a later stage if you wish. This, along with the text messages you have from him, is strong evidence of the rape, so please make sure you keep the messages safe.

Flowers

www.nhs.uk/service-search/other-services/Rape-and-sexual-assault-referral-centres/LocationSearch/364

Emmelina · 13/01/2020 00:13

Just reiterating what the others have said.
You were raped.
Please dump him and call the police!

Greenwingmemories · 13/01/2020 00:15

OP the way you're feeling is perfectly normal. It's very common to dissociate when faced with trauma. It's a protective mechanism, to avoid being overwhelmed until you're ready to process it.

He really is a nasty piece of work and his attempts to put the blame onto you are reprehensible but predictable for this kind of man.

SorryDidISayThatOutLoud · 13/01/2020 00:15

OP, why don't you contact AXIS. They are there to support victims of sexual abuse. They will be with you if you decide to report to the Police, and will support you if you choose not to. They will not persuade you either way but will talk to you about the way forward.

Honeybee85 · 13/01/2020 00:18

I am so sorry OP.
This man has raped you. That’s what it is, no ‘domination’ or other excuses.
It’s rape.

Can you go to your GP or the hospital to asap to get yourself checked? Please tell them what happened. You might need a medical report as evidence against him.
Also keep the texts he has sent you, make screenshots as well!

What happened is not your fault. This man is a danger and needs to be locked up.

Apileofballyhoo · 13/01/2020 00:26

Hi OP. You're in shock. Just the mind's way of coping with such a terrible thing. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Sending you love and strength.

VenusTiger · 13/01/2020 00:28

@mermaidtales so sorry to hear this.
What would you tell yourself if you were speaking to a DV victim in your line of work? Could you write it down what he did to you, that he held you down. That you said no. That he raped you. That he apologised through fear of getting into trouble. Then read his texts and give yourself the advice.I

He may have done this before, he may do it again, to you or someone else. P!ease report him when you're ready.

Jitterbugger · 13/01/2020 00:33

My ex did the same to me. It started after we went out one evening to a nightclub. I stood and chatted to a guy I knew (who unbeknownst to me my ex did not like). My ex got angrier and angrier as I chatted to this guy and it was only when I saw him physically shaking that I realised how angry he was. He refused to speak to me for the rest of the night and when we got back to his room (we were in halls at uni) he initiated rough sex and then anally raped me. Like you, I told him no, tried to get away and then gave up and just lay there praying for him to finish as quickly as possible.

I unfortunately was completely under his spell and didn't leave him there and then. He raped me numerous times over the next 4 years, often spiking my drink with extra shots of alcohol so that I'd pass out and he could do what he wanted to my unconscious body. The only reason I pieced this together was that on a number of occasions I would partially wake up whilst he was raping me and was aware of him talking to himself and saying that he shouldn't be doing this. I also caught him on a number of occasions pouring double shots of vodka into my drinks. I was so wrapped up in him that I kept excusing his behaviour to myself.

He was controlling in other ways as well, although I didn't really realise this until later on after I'd left him. The final straw for me was when he raped me so badly that I was left in pain and bled for days/weeks afterwards.

Please please please don't try and push this all under the carpet and give him a second chance because he will do this again and again and again. It's in his nature to control and dominate and he will continue to do this to you if you stay with him.

justilou1 · 13/01/2020 00:34

Sweetie, numbness is a sign of shock. It is your body’s way of protecting you, but you absolutely must not let that man near you again. Please.
It took me 30 years to mentally accept that I had been raped. I now have severe PTSD and it is affecting my marriage. I have to be honest, the sooner you face it and deal with it, the stronger you will be.
This man is violent and abusive. There is no way he will not have done this before, and no way he will not repay his hateful behaviour again. If it is not you he hurts, it will some other woman.
Please call the police. Be brave for them.

HoneysuckleSpeck · 13/01/2020 00:37

Report him. He raped you. He’s even admitted it so you can show the police.

LotteLupin · 13/01/2020 00:52

You don't feel nothing. You just had to suspend your normal feelings in order to get through it. Those feelings are there inside, though. They're just waiting to come out when they are really sure the coast is clear.

Anal sex can be painful at the best of times. I don't know if it hurt you. For sure it humiliated you. For sure the process of him doing that and being inside you in that way and using your body like that, and being aroused while you suffered and had to comply, was something that shocked you deeply. But you complied and lay still as that was the best way to get through it. But to be present through it, your mind had to switch your natural emotions off.

Because you found yourself in a situation where your emotions were not important. In fact, where riding roughshod over your protest was a pleasure.

And there's probably something else in there too which is uncomfortable to look at. You wanted to please him. You wanted him not to be angry with you. You wanted to appease him. You didn't like the feeling of him being angry with you. You knew it was wrong of him to get angry about your contact with the man he didn't like, but it was still your instinct to appease him. So that was another reason to let him do what he wanted.

And that's what I think is worrying you. It was your conscious decision to let him, in the end.

So is that not consent? You let him. No, it isn't. IT ISN'T. Your alternative to 'letting' him would have been to escalate his anger by resisting. You'd have had to make a real fuss - try to escape his physical hold, cry, shout, whatever. Just because you didn't do that doesn't mean you wanted him to have anal sex with you.

Consent isn't allowing someone to do something you don't want them to do, after you've told them no. That's not consent. So please, please get that straight with yourself.

Consent is saying yes and meaning it.

Sometimes people are in a situation where they even say yes but don't mean it, because saying yes is the safest and quickest way to get through it. Sometimes they have to feign pleasure to satisfy the other person so that it will be got over with and stop. Sometimes they even have to have an orgasm for the other to stop. They have to go somewhere enough in their head to, in a situation of non-consent, have an orgasm to conclude matters.

You feel so sad because you have been attacked, and by the person you trusted most and had let closest to you. And because you have lost the man you thought he was. Lost your boyfriend. Lost your future with him.

You've been attacked, your boundaries trampled, your trust broken and you've lost your boyfriend. And you're worried it's your fault, because you 'let' him.

Dear OP, poor OP. You know it's not your fault. And you didn't want to let him. And your sadness is grief for everything that was lost.

I am not sure what outcome you'd get from trying to have him investigated. I'm not sure if the process would be helpful for you. I understand why you want to forget about it.

You know you must break with him completely now. Because this is about the time in a new relationship where the bad starts to come out. And this is bad.

I feel like you should get some support. Maybe even go to a sympathetic doctor and be checked. Bleeding isn't ideal. Maybe part of you has been ripped. I think start with the doctor.

I'm so sorry. Just take heart from what people here are saying, and their warmth and support for you. What happened was not your fault - you did everything right. He's the wrong one. Xxxx

Jux · 13/01/2020 00:53

I am so sorry.

You do need to report this. He is minimising like made and backtracking and trying to say it's your fault. Keep all the texts and show them to the police.

I think you are in shock, not surprising after an assault of any kind but a sexual assault particularly. It is such an intimate act and yet so wholly alienating.

LotteLupin · 13/01/2020 00:56

Jitterbugger I'm so very sorry for you too, reading that - unbelievably awful. So glad you got out.

These are violent men. There is such a thing as a bad person and they are bad.

Gutterton · 13/01/2020 00:58

I am so sorry that you have been violated.

You are in shock - but this will wear off and you will be in massive distress, despair and pain. Have you anyone who can be with you when this happens?

Or can you show this thread to a friend or the sexual assault service linked to above?

Please don’t bury or repress this - you will just corrode yourself from the inside out forever. Speak with a friend or the service just - even if you don’t take the next step. You don’t have to commit to anything. But releasing this could reduce some of the mental damage to you.

Gutterton · 13/01/2020 00:59

You don’t need to speak - you just need to show this thread to someone.

Christmassaussage · 13/01/2020 01:04

OP. He made you bleed. He raped you and then excused it, it doesn't matter how sorry he is. You are in shock and everything has shut down that's why you aren't feeling anything. Imagine this was your sister, daughter or mother this happened to.

You don't have to report it now but get the evidence collected from the NHS referral linked above by the police officer. Please. You have lots of choices if you do this. If you don't it will make reporting this later harder.

You need to call someone in real life. Please call someone. Call rape crisis if nobody else.

I'm so sorry sweetie. This shouldn't have happened. Pick yourself up and draw up a list of things to do and just do them. One thing at a time xx Thanks

Beelzebop · 13/01/2020 01:25

I haven't any wise words op, I really wanted to send my love I am so sorry this happened. What shocked me most is that he invited thinks it is acceptable because he explained his reasoning. Tomorrow, your shock will thaw out. Then you can start to sort your response. What he has done to you is unforgivable. Whatever you decide to do please understand that you did not deserve this in any way.xxxxxxx

Beelzebop · 13/01/2020 01:26

clearly not invited