Seeing someone who has previously gone to prostitutes

[VioletVoice]

I've not been in this situation before and it does bother me a bit. He and ex wife appeared to have got into a toxic relationship and she cheated with his friends, he went to prostitutes whilst working abroad.

He's quite open about this, they obviously weren't good for each other. 2 children involved but they seem relatively unscathed and he and ex get on fine now.

I'm not sure how I should feel about this though, we're not super serious (and he wouldn't be able to afford it at the moment anyway!) but it does make me feel a bit uneasy. He's been quite upfront really and said it was control as his marriage was crumbling.

it can be well assumed that there are plenty of men who feel differently about the subject than the majority of commentators on Mumsnet, so take their moral superiority with a pinch of salt

Yes. Yes. It is 'morally superior' to think paying a woman to use as a hole in which to ejaculate, is not up there with treating a woman as an equal being.

Excellent rationale there!!

I previously dated someone who’d slept with prostitutes before we met. He treated me well for a long time but eventually became abusive. It was also obvious that he held misogynistic views, and I suspect that his current partner used to be an escort (my friends found her profile online!). I would run if I discovered this about someone I dated from now on.

There's no difference to having a ONS either way the man is paying?

You seem to have totally erased the woman from this scenario. Man buys drink, man has sex, man pays money, man gets sex. What about the woman? What about the fun both parties are having on ONS? WHAT ABOUT CONSENT??? Women are meant to ENJOY SEX. Honestly what the actual fuck comment is this?

A woman deciding she wants a ONS with someone is completely different to a woman working in the sex industry Even if they do so out of choice.

Also no one would know if they sex worker they 'use' has been trafficked/coerced. Trafficked/coerced women are in every aspect of sex work. They are even present where paying for sex is legal (e.g Amsterdam) you could never, really know if the woman was working in the industry willingly, or if you were paying someone to rape her. Problem is most men who use sex workers don't really care.

He not only went to prostitutes but went to ones abroad, feeling like they're a little more removed from his life here in the U.K, no doubt, and maybe have fewer police protection or sympathy.

Glad you're stepping away.

@PositiveVibez

Harsh 😭

But at least I understand I don’t have the right to judge this guy on his decision making, no one does. Everyone’s assuming this guy has no respect for women, because he paid for sex?

I’ve never used a sex workers but I have friends, men and women who have and are in committed relationships and value the opposite sex, I don’t see anything wrong if its legit.

@VioletVoice At least he told you! He could have not told you and you would never have known! It’s up to you now where it goes...

Everyone’s assuming this guy has no respect for women, because he paid for sex?

Yep.

And rightly so.

If I had a penny for every man who said he'd done something shitty because of his ex wife
If you are a decent man you don't go and pay for sex with girls who have probably been trafficked or treated violently and been made to do things against their will. No matter what the provocation, at the very least I would expect a man I was with not to be a scumbag who does that.
I wouldn't touch him with a 10 foot barge pole.

I would touch him with a barge pole. If he has so little respect for himself and other women. No thank you

Hard no from me. Women are not to be bought.

Grim.

He obviously despises women and sees them as less than human, why would you want to still be his friend ?

I’ve never used a sex workers but I have friends, men and women who have

Really. You know women, multiple, who have paid for sex? Really? Where?

well he's intelligent and kind

He wasn't kind to the prostitutes he used abroad - somehow I doubt they're all unexploited, free, independent happy hookers with full opportunities in life but choosing to prostitute themselves.

It’s part of this script isn’t it @MrsTerryPratchett?

All men do it.
The abused women love it and make good money.
Anyone who objects is an ugly frigid judgemental cow.
Women do it too.

Etc etc

@Beastm0de The fact he used a prostitute shows he has no respect for women. Your friends don't value the other sex.

And yes of course we have the right to judge him. He has done something which personally I find vile, and can think of no possible excuse for. Therefore I will judge him

I think 80% of DH's friends have had something from a prostitute. My cousin is also a big slut that sleeps with a new man every time she goes round town but she does it for free 🤷🏻‍♀️

Your DH has revolting friends, what poor judgement. And women can have sex with as many or as few people as they wish. That doesn't make them 'sluts' (what a horrible misogynistic term that is.).

Truthfully most men/women have slept with some dirty person in there life time at least he is an honest person!

I couldn't give a shit how many people men or women sleep with as long as everyone is consenting, enthusiastically, and over the age of consent. Fill your boots. And 'dirty person'? Prostitutes aren't 'dirty'. The men who use them are though.

Trying to buy consent is the problem, not the number.

Prostitutes aren't 'dirty'. The men who use them are though

This.

Not RTFT but as someone who WAS with a man of this type, over a long period of time, it's a massive no from me.

Regardless of whether this situation was with a man or woman, you have to question where their morales and respects lie.

Go ahead at your peril, but I guarantee you'll either second guess where they are when they aren't with you, or your self esteem will get so bad that you'll start 'blaming' yourself.

@Geoffreythecat Sorry what I should of said was pole dancers in the strip club in town, but I guess once they offer 'extras' for cash they are then classed as a prostitute ? Or am I wrong. I watched a documentary about sex work it was very interesting there was women/men that did it to survive, for the money & for drugs and then there was also women/men that did it because they loved sex so thought why keep giving it away for free and were making thousands of £ a month...

I guess it all depends what kind you mean.

I cannot believe we're still having this conversation in 2020.

Actually I can. You see it all the time in Relationships, thread after thread about men who see women as nothing but domestic appliances who they can also fuck.

I just wish you could tell which are the rare good ones, feels like a needle in a haystack.

Everyone’s assuming this guy has no respect for women, because he paid for sex?

There is no assuming about it.

He’s the one that dodged a bullet here... Every guy that’s ever watched porn, gone to a strip club or used sex services has no respect for women? Pft... every guy on the planet has done one of those things.

I've got no idea how he and ex wife got into such a dysfunctional relationship, lucky that they get on well now and that the children (well, they're nearly adults!) appear to be unaffected. Ex happy in new partnership.

He's not a liar but sidestepped my question earlier about if he'd ever think about seeing a prostitute again. I'm seeing him few days time so will change it to just friendship as it doesn't lie easy with me. I still want to support him with his depression.

Thank you for helping me process, my girlfriends would go crackers if I asked them