Seeing someone who has previously gone to prostitutes

[VioletVoice]

I've not been in this situation before and it does bother me a bit. He and ex wife appeared to have got into a toxic relationship and she cheated with his friends, he went to prostitutes whilst working abroad.

He's quite open about this, they obviously weren't good for each other. 2 children involved but they seem relatively unscathed and he and ex get on fine now.

I'm not sure how I should feel about this though, we're not super serious (and he wouldn't be able to afford it at the moment anyway!) but it does make me feel a bit uneasy. He's been quite upfront really and said it was control as his marriage was crumbling.

Any man who pays a woman to have six with him isn't much better than a rapist. Payment isn't really consent

On the fence with this one...
The fact he has opened up and told you about something like that speaks volumes.

I'd also be worried that he may do it again although whether it's paid for or not any bloke could do the dirty.

I don't think it makes much difference but if there's a trust issue from the get go then obviously it wouldn't work. The fact you're concerned before you're tied down may be your answer though x

I would also bet that he's crap in bed anyway

Hard no from me as well.

Re the pp I thought Germany legalisation was a disaster and they are trying to roll it back. Not the thread to discuss that probably but don't like what's ended up happening there as an example of how marvelous it is, when that isn't the story.

I've given this a lot of thought as a feminist issue and imo it's not free consent so technically qualifies as rape - that's just my opinion though!

Nope! Wouldn’t even stay friends with him!

Using prostitutes is paid rape. Bought consent is not true consent. Which country’s? I suspect it’s also possible this included children, addicts or otherwise additionally vulnerable females.

Then there’s the sexual health side.

No no no!

And yes I’d be just as scathing of a woman doing the same.

It’s easier than ever since the internet to access consensual, no strings sex there’s no need to use prostitutes.

Well I've texted him and asked if he'd ever see a prostitute again.

Waiting for response. I'd be curious to hear.

Urgh God no.

Just no.

He’s not going to say “Yes I will” he’s going to say “No never because you’re different”. Then at the first signs of stress he’ll be back at it.

Just run.

You'll always know, as long as you date a man like this, that if:

• You have a period of time where you don't want sex as much
• You gain weight or otherwise become less attractive to him
• You make him angry or jealous
• He's abroad and lonely and thinks he won't get caught

He WILL go do exactly what he's used to doing whenever he needs "relief" at the expense of some likely-trafficked woman. Men who start using prostitutes don't just stop because they meet their one true love. When the cracks in your relationship start to appear, as they do in all relationships, you'll be there with mortar and a trowel trying to patch it up, and he'll be putting his dick in a prostituted woman and telling her how his girlfriend/wife doesn't understand him.

Oh yeah, and he "has depression," too? Add that to my list. Whenever he's in a depressive spell, he'll go fuck a prostitute. If you catch him, he'll plead mental illness and twist it around so it's about you not being supportive enough when he's depressed.

I’m pretty sure you have only had responses from women.. hence all the disgust and they all seem pretty heartless and narrow minded.

Maybe he was young low self esteem, lack of confidence, found it hard to communicate with women? Perhaps he was with friends peer pressured into it? Guys do stupid things when it comes to sex.

It’s a bit harsh/narrow minded to write him off as a disgust degenerate that has no respect for women. Without knowing anything about the guy.

There is huge variation in types of sex workers yes, which is why the details would matter to me. Yes sex work does make women vulnerable to exploitation. But the way it is being discussed on this thread is very uncomfortable. Especially the implication that a man is somehow dirty or a rapist. The women he has paid for sex are people. They are not just “prostitutes”
I also think more men have used sex workers in one way or another than would ever admit it. I would value his honesty in this respect.

As the OP is a woman @Beastm0de, we're advising her accordingly. No man who respects women as equals pays for sex. And that includes you.

I'm not implying he's a rapist, I'm saying he is a rapist.

No free consent equals rape in my opinion.

If you rape someone it makes you a rapist.

Guys do stupid things when it comes to sex.

Totally undermined your own point there. Very "boys will be boys".

All me aren't stupid, neither are all women. Stupid people are stupid people.

Paying for sex isn't a "stupid" thing to do, it's an active decision to act in a way that many people find disrespectful to women.

You've told us not to generalise and paint all who have used sex workers as disgusting while you've also generalised by saying men are "stupid when it comes to sex."

Punters don't change OP if he's done it a few times he will always go back when things get rough, arguing more etc. Or you have been together a few years the honeymoon period over he will want variety a new bit of strange its just what punters do.

Typo, obviously. I meant:

All men aren't stupid, neither are all women. Stupid people are stupid people.

I think you should end it.
I say this as someone who found out a couple of years into (what I thought was) a serious relationship with someone I'd known for years that he had used prostitutes when working abroad about 20 years previously.
I didn't end it straight away and I should have......

Is his ex called Colleen?

I'm very impressed he told you, most men don't bother because women think only the dirtiest go to prostitutes unless they're told the truth by someone who knows different!

'I’m pretty sure you have only had responses from women.. hence all the disgust and they all seem pretty heartless and narrow minded.'

Responses from women should be dismissed, we need to hear from men on this topic for rationality

Okey dokey.

I think a siren goes off somewhere whenever there's a thread about prostitution, as it always seems to attract comments about women who who not be with men who pay for sex are Victorian, prudes, don't understand men etc etc

Countdown to 'all your husbands are paying for sex, you're jealous because they're more attractive than you and you can't satisfy a man'

Run, unless you’re fine with a man who thinks it’s acceptable to rent a woman’s orifices the way you can rent a hotel room.

And push-lease to those low bar types who think that his upfront attitude to his female orifice rental makes him refreshingly honest. Next thing you’ll be cooing ‘Oh, he’s different when he’s with meeee!’

He's not a kind man if he has sex with prostitutes. Kind and intelligent men do not have sex with prostitutes.

He has no respect for women. He sounds vile tbh, using prostitutes when his life felt 'out if control'