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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Seeing someone who has previously gone to prostitutes

366 replies

VioletVoice · 12/01/2020 16:40

I've not been in this situation before and it does bother me a bit. He and ex wife appeared to have got into a toxic relationship and she cheated with his friends, he went to prostitutes whilst working abroad.

He's quite open about this, they obviously weren't good for each other. 2 children involved but they seem relatively unscathed and he and ex get on fine now.

I'm not sure how I should feel about this though, we're not super serious (and he wouldn't be able to afford it at the moment anyway!) but it does make me feel a bit uneasy. He's been quite upfront really and said it was control as his marriage was crumbling.

OP posts:
ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 22/01/2020 13:52

I'm sorry you had a bad experience. Don't give him the opportunity to hurt you again, because he will.

SHAR0N · 22/01/2020 13:56

section 1[3] of the Sexual Offences Act 2003:

(1) A person (A) commits an offence if—
(a) he intentionally penetrates the vagina, anus or mouth of another person (B) with his penis,
(b) B does not consent to the penetration, and
(c) A does not reasonably believe that B consents.
(2) Whether a belief is reasonable is to be determined having regard to all the circumstances, including any steps A has taken to ascertain whether B consents.

You’ll note there’s nothing about A being drunk, it being dark, B being at As house overnight or B being naked.

He took no steps to ascertain if you consented. You indicated by words and actions that you did NOT consent.

That’s rape. He’s a rapist.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/01/2020 14:40

He never let me wear a nightdress in bed. I always like wearing a nightdress to bed.

You need counselling before you get into another relationship. The above is completely unacceptable and sounds like he not only raped you, he planned it.

Rapists will often get drunk before an offence. To give themselves an internal justification as well as an external one.

Original poster
VioletVoice · 22/01/2020 15:50

Doubt he planned it - I did say before I went to bed to wake me up if he wanted to make love when he came to bed as he came a few hours later.

I've never been that half awake half asleep before so I was really dazed.

It might have been a turn on for him coming to sleep having a prostrate female at his disposal I guess.

Anyway I can wear my freshly washed nightdress tonight and sleep in peace Smile

OP posts:
kingkuta · 22/01/2020 16:07

I've never been that half awake half asleep before so I was really dazed
Why was that OP? Is there a possibility he could have put something in your drink?

Original poster
VioletVoice · 22/01/2020 16:17

@kingkuta no I really don't think so, I only had tea anyway. I was just really tired.

If he'd wanted to do that he could have done that anytime over the two years and this hasn't happened before.

OP posts:
FlamingoAndJohn · 22/01/2020 22:56

He never let me wear a nightdress in bed. I always like wearing a nightdress to bed.

That speaks volumes.
The rape finishes it off.
Leave and never look back.

Original poster
VioletVoice · 22/01/2020 23:14

I sort of had an update on this but didn't want to rejig the thread but it's been rejigged anyway.

If you read threads on relationships it can be very frustrating looking from the outside.

I unblocked him today as I thought he wouldn't contact me and I'm in no danger of contacting him. Almost immediately had a text from him wanting to know about my welfare but saying he understood if I didn't want to reply. I don't know what to say to that so I haven't.

I am wearing my nightdress tonight Grin

I'm aware it's exasperating watching confused people extricate themselves and you feel like giving their head a wobble.

OP posts:
Interestedwoman · 22/01/2020 23:19

So sorry you had that experience. :( Well done for getting rid of him. Enjoy sleeping in comfort and peace. xxx

YasssKween · 22/01/2020 23:35

I unblocked him today as I thought he wouldn't contact me and I'm in no danger of contacting him.

So why unblock him then?

If you want no contact there was absolutely no reason at all to do so.

I understand if you don't feel able to let go but I think you're kidding yourself if you unblocked him for any other reason than wanting to hear from him.

Loveablers · 22/01/2020 23:36

OP you need help

You’re clearly not very good at setting boundaries and I think the majority of women would’ve told his man to fuck off a long time ago yet here you are wanting to have coffee with him Confused you need therapy! This isn’t normal!

And I’m sorry but I also think you enjoy the drama of this which is also toxic. I mean - why would you unblock him if you genuinely thought he wouldn’t contact you? You were clearly hoping he would contact you otherwise you wouldn’t have unblocked him. Just admit it. You only unblock someone if you want to hear from them again

OvenGlovesWillTearUsApart · 22/01/2020 23:46

Oh dear. Just block him again then.

And give your head the mumsnet wobble, tha daft ha’p’orth.

HUG if you need it.

SoleBizzz · 23/01/2020 00:01

You will learn through mistakes the extreme hard way. Shame though. You are too forgiving and a pushover.

Original poster
VioletVoice · 23/01/2020 00:16

Give me time to adjust.

There's not any drama really. We haven't had a row since that happened, nearly 3 weeks ago now. I think I did want to hear from him but didn't think that would happen so was surprised when I unblocked him. We usually chat every day.

Hopefully I won't update again.

OP posts:
Beansandcoffee · 23/01/2020 08:17

Op keep updating us if it helps you. But please read the posts where people have kindly said that he raped you, that he isn’t very nice, etc. They are right. He did rape you irrespective of the excuses you keep giving him. That is not a nice man. Infact in theory he should be in prison for the rape. Please talk to someone about strengthening your boundaries regarding men. Hugs to you. You can do this.

Piper1985 · 23/01/2020 09:32

Do what you think is best for yourself just don't make do.....but unless you know the background of a sex worker then I'd say its unfair to slag them off?? No one knows their history and a lot of sex workers are a lot cleaner than other members of the public. Everyone has a past and no one is perfect....but don't just make do as there is someone out there who will treat you right and make you happy.

Original poster
VioletVoice · 23/01/2020 09:47

I can't respond to his message anyway as I genuinely have no idea what to say!

He's not adhering to my previous message when I said I would be in contact/meet for coffee next week.

@Piper1985 I don't think anyone is slagging off sex workers, I started this thread because he'd made me feel like I was used for sex rather than someone loved and in a relationship, given his background history.

OP posts:
Original poster
VioletVoice · 23/01/2020 10:32

I'm not a sex worker though, I was supposed to be his girlfriend and loved and cherished. And it hurt physically. It's different.

I think people are criticising some men, not sex workers.

OP posts:
Original poster
VioletVoice · 23/01/2020 10:45

The sex workers would have been awake as well which is a huge difference.

OP posts:
loserssaywhat · 23/01/2020 13:42

You have no idea what he did to the women he paid to have sex with. No clue. Either way he's an unsavoury person and you should give yourself a shake.
People who care about you don't hurt you during sex. People who love you make sure they get enthusiastic consent. That is all.

Original poster
VioletVoice · 23/01/2020 13:55

Well I did contact him back as I realised I'd left something costly at his. He'll return it but I ordered online for replacement today it's something I need

OP posts:
Callmesausage · 23/01/2020 14:05

I don’t often comment on MN but everything you post about this man and your interactions are so disturbing/sad. I get that you need time to adjust but where is your anger at what he did to you? I feel enraged in your behalf. I hope you can see he really is not a decent person in any way.

Please stop all contact and look after yourself.

LexMitior · 23/01/2020 14:28

The costly thing you left there was your self respect. You can get it back by not seeing him again in any context.

Do not imagine that you explaining your feelings will change him. This inquiry about your welfare is based on concern for himself. He has used you and is checking whether you might excuse his behaviours in a) using prostitutes (where the issue of consent is blurry) and b) in having sex with you while you were semi conscious (another area of blurred consent to put it mildly).

Finally, his previous relationship was toxic. Given a and b, you have good information that this person is not as you imagined. Stay well clear. No amount of talking brings men like this around to being decent. They will use against you and manipulate your feelings.

YasssKween · 23/01/2020 14:39

Is he going to post / courier the costly item back to you? Please don't go and get it in person.

And if you do then bring someone with you. This isn't always because someone is dangerous, it's to stop you being sucked into talking to him about your relationship.

Original poster
VioletVoice · 23/01/2020 16:02

@YasssKween unfortunately we're in the same area again. I don't want to see him at present and have ordered another from prime so should arrive tomorrow. I am annoyed at this it's silly, he should have dropped it off

OP posts: