Seeing someone who has previously gone to prostitutes

[VioletVoice]

I've not been in this situation before and it does bother me a bit. He and ex wife appeared to have got into a toxic relationship and she cheated with his friends, he went to prostitutes whilst working abroad.

He's quite open about this, they obviously weren't good for each other. 2 children involved but they seem relatively unscathed and he and ex get on fine now.

I'm not sure how I should feel about this though, we're not super serious (and he wouldn't be able to afford it at the moment anyway!) but it does make me feel a bit uneasy. He's been quite upfront really and said it was control as his marriage was crumbling.

Run far, run fast. The world is not short of better men than this.

The word ‘use’ a prostitute tells you a lot.
Even people advocating sex work as a choice here use the word.

Paying money blurs the meaning of the word consent.

I have had a relationship with someone who had previously paid sex workers for sex. His values towards women showed in the end.

What is wrong with masturbation?

I'm just trying to mentally adjust to it - I've sent a few texts and not received a response as yet.

Appreciate the responses, I'll think about it. I don't like it very much however. I know he loves me just not sure how much I can love him after the revelations

@lilmishap by definition any man who has sex with a prostitute I would deem not kind or intelligent.

If that means no men are kind or intelligent then so be it. Although personally I don't associate with any men who have admitted to prostitute use.

You need to raise your standards

Oh wow. Just read your other thread Beastm0de, where you've fucked a subordinate on a works night out and are hankering after her because she is ignoring you.

Your comments towards women make complete sense and I really pity your wife.

Is he admitting to prostitute use because he's such a genuine open man, and wants to be honest

Or is he admitting to it because he doesn't see it as a big deal. Because he thinks using women's body's as a wank sock is normal

Hard no from me.

The thing is we actually know so many women are trafficked? We know some significant proportion of prostitutes are being raped.

I feel like it's a bit like underage sex? It's true that some minority of 14 year olds aren't harmed by sexual experiences; I wasn't harmed by mine; it's just that we know so many are that it can't ever be the act of a decent person. If he was having sex with 14 year olds (he may well have done so, most prostitutes start under 18) to feel a sense of control over his life, how would you feel?

He's quite open about this, they obviously weren't good for each other.

What do these two sentences have to do with each other?

I do care about him, he has depression and he's quite honest with me.

Ditto.

All of these are uncorrelated pieces of information to the outside observer.

I think you need to look quite carefully as you are using facts to reinforce your feelings.

@BeastM0de no we’re not narrow minded and heartless (that’s a hell of a thing to say considering we could well be talking violence and paedophilia too here) we’re being honest and realistic.

NO man that has any respect for girls/women or any true understanding of consent or the way the sex trade works would ever use a prostitute - whatever the excuses!

*I'm not implying he's a rapist, I'm saying he is a rapist.

No free consent equals rape in my opinion.* hear hear!

There’s a website op (name escapes me right now) where punters write “evaluations” on the prostitutes they’ve used. It’s quite eye opening but definitely not for the faint hearted!

I believe there’s also one where the prostitutes themselves comment on their experiences - again name escapes me and again not for faint hearted.

“to prevent any emotional involvement from both parties.” Plenty of ways he could have done this without it involving prostitutes

I know a few men who have used prostitutes - I don't think you can generalise. There are many reasons why someone would pay for sex - low self esteem, loneliness, wanting to be close to a human, peer pressure lots and lots of reasons

If all the men in someone's life have been arseholes it makes sense that the existence of decent men would sound like fantastical nonsense to that person.

It's odd how women, who often suffer from low self-esteem, rarely feel the need to pay men to fuck them.

And even odder that posters are suggesting that men's low self-esteem can be cured by paying a woman to fuck them.

How exactly does that work? Knowing that a woman wouldn't give you a second glance but if you pay her a lot of money to sleep with you she will must be quite depressing I'd think. The only way I can imagine it'd boost a man's self esteem is if he were a misogynist pig and thinks women are to be bought and sold.

It never ceases to amaze me, how many women are so concerned about centring men’s feeling, when it comes to why it’s ok for a woman to have to sell her body to him. Poor men might be depressed, stressed, lonely, sad, etc etc. Let’s always make sure the poor men’s wants are put before a woman. Jfc!

@howdoesthisworkagain I don't think the two things are conflicting I was just saying the relationship with ex wife seemed toxic from what he's said and she left him for his best friend from school, he used prostitutes on the continent when working away. The children seem ok. He feels abused as the wife was far older and he feels she took advantage of him when he was young. Oh god this sounds like a mess doesn't it.

'Also what’s the difference between a ONS and a prostitute? Either way the guy is parting with money.'

Men who think like this need to be avoided and hard.

If a man can't tell the difference between freely given consent and paying a woman who doesn't want to have sex with him to do so, he's a bit of a worry.

The idea that women might want sex as much as a man on a ONS is obviously something that has not crossed his mind... Erm.. not good!

Run for your life. If he’s got depression he isn’t in the right mindset to be getting into a relationship. Men like that will do it again they don’t respect women.

I'm not sure how I should feel about this though, we're not super serious

But also

I know he loves me just not sure how much I can love him after the revelations

And

I won't get heart broken anyway as I'm not really in love with him.

This is all kinds of confusing!

People are having the debate about the morality of men who pay for sex, but the main point is whether OP specifically is ok with it or not.

It sounds like you aren't ok with it OP (which is how I feel) but that if enough people told you that you were overreacting you would override your natural reaction and stay with him?

Be firm with your boundaries and stick to them, otherwise you're going to be with someone incompatible.

At the very least he has still got issues and they have not been worked through...with a professional counsellor.

I would not go there, this is the beginning of a relationship and it is meant to be fun!

I think it would depend on how many times, the type of sex worker and how often he went.

Eg. Phoning a self employed woman to come to his hotel five times on various business trips in Paris is different to curb crawling regularly in Amsterdam is different to visiting several brothels in Thailand.

It would depend on whether he visited vulnerable women or a dominatrix or went for the girlfriend experience type package too.

Phoning a self employed woman to come to his hotel five times on various business trips in Paris is different to curb crawling regularly in Amsterdam is different to visiting several brothels in Thailand.

Yes, but he is still seeing a woman as a fuck hole that can be bought and sold. It doesn’t matter in that respect if she is a self employed escort who loves it or a trafficked underage girl.

No thank you just not my type of man. Plenty of men out there who don’t use prostitutes.

Sorry to be a downer but I read somewhere recently that a very high percentage of men (was it something like 50%? Can't remember..) have used some form of prostitution. No idea how true it is but it can be well assumed that there are plenty of men who feel differently about the subject than the majority of commentators on Mumsnet, so take their moral superiority with a pinch of salt. It is, after all, statistically possible that many of them are living, in ignorance, alongside the very people they're warning you against. That yours is so open to discuss it with you should be taken as a good sign.

I personally think that people tend to go into new relationships with a, somewhat, clean slate. I assume he's not free to pass judgement on every one your own previous exploits, and rightly so. The most important thing is if you genuinely like him, or not.

One thing from you original post, though, and a strange one considering the subject material. But in which way would he not be able to afford a relationship with you?

I assume he's not free to pass judgement on every one your own previous exploits, and rightly so.

That very much depends, doesn't it? Is there a female equivalent of using prostitutes? I mean there are very few places (West Africa) where Western women use local men in the same way. And I would judge the shit out of that. I saw it in East Africa and thought it was repugnant. It doesn't have the same underage, trafficking, addiction component as South East Asian women but still.