Seeing someone who has previously gone to prostitutes

[VioletVoice]

I've not been in this situation before and it does bother me a bit. He and ex wife appeared to have got into a toxic relationship and she cheated with his friends, he went to prostitutes whilst working abroad.

He's quite open about this, they obviously weren't good for each other. 2 children involved but they seem relatively unscathed and he and ex get on fine now.

I'm not sure how I should feel about this though, we're not super serious (and he wouldn't be able to afford it at the moment anyway!) but it does make me feel a bit uneasy. He's been quite upfront really and said it was control as his marriage was crumbling.

@Fatladyissinging why do you say that?? Surely a good healthy relationship is based on trust. If partners start lying or don’t tell the truth then I really don’t think there is even a friendship there. Your comment is like wow???

They mean we should be grateful when men tell us they use prostitutes as at least they have been honest. .

@VioletVoice why do you want an update on his mental health? Is it to check if you've made a difference? What are you hoping for? I think it's really important to explore this

@Beansandcoffee actually that comment quite irritated me! It was obvious they hadn't properly read the thread and didn't understand he'd physically hurt me.

@gettingfedupagain I'm going through a transition phase of letting him go. I think it's pretty obvious I loved him.

Has this man had some form of counselling I only ask as he’s been very very honest , and you mention he's been in a toxic relationship. Most men tell us ( woman ) what they think we would like to hear and feed us bullshit ALL MEN it’s there ego . now you have this man who has be brutally honest and we’ve condemned him ... one day a lie detector app will be invented and you girls are in for a huge huge wake up call MASSIVE .. this man didn’t need to tell you this but it was important for him to do so . He didn’t want to mislead you in anyway .

Even if that were true, if a woman has agency over her life, she doesn’t have to be with him.

Her standards are her own. He’s told her about his. Seems like they are lower than hers. Stop trying to bring her down about it.

Was that meant for me . If so I do apologies . I didn’t think I had over stepped the mark .

@Fatladyissinging he physically hurt me though so it has me questioning everything.

There isn't any way he should physically hurt me. I accept it was a mistake but he needs to cut down on alcohol if it makes him behave like that.

Wow .. I’m so so sorry i miss read your initial post . I didn’t know any of that . NO you get rid of him . Getting drunk on holiday and feeling lonely is one thing .. but if he gets drunk and physically abuses you that's just wrong .. he’s NOT going to change , he will apologise and promise you it won’t happen again but it will . Really really sorry x

Thanks @Fatladyissinging :)

Please don’t thank me ... you don’t know how sick I feel .

now you have this man who has be brutally honest and we’ve condemned him

Thing is once someone has been honest, they then don't get to choose someone else's boundaries. And it's clear from this thread why women are right to be wary of men who buy consent. Because they aren't fussed about consent, which is why he hurt the OP as well. He doesn't care about enthusiastic, freely given consent.

And I, and many other women, don't want to sleep with men who don't care about our consent and pleasure. No matter how honest they are.

@MrsTerryPratchett he could have woken me up and stroked me a bit then I would have been ok with it. It was a bit brutal so as soon as I'd left his house next afternoon I started to digest what had just happened night before.

Just need a little more time to not love him anymore. I already don't want to see him and have broken contact which are first steps.

That evening I arrived tired and had a shower. He was fascinated by my hair because it went a lot larger (of course it would, it had had a treble dose of protein) and was stroking it which was nice. We just chatted, him in his office and me reclined on the sofa then I felt really tired and went to bed but said to wake me up if he wanted to make love.

I wasn't expecting him to stay up for hours drinking then pounce on me and for me to be semi-comatose.

Is there a technical term for when you're not quite awake?

God this makes painful reading. He raped you in a way you describe as 'brutal' and you want to meet for a coffee as he's being polite??? It actually beggars belief. It is absolutely NO excuse that he was drunk. My DH was a massive drinker when we were younger and this would never, never have happened. That is the real him. I've no idea why you think you can rescue him. I think you very much need to concentrate on your own mental health, self esteem and well being. Having this man in your life, in any form, will only lead to misery. What you have written about him is horrific. He is an awful man. What are you doing letting him in your life?

@kingkuta no I don't think I can rescue him.

Same time it's been 2 years and I'd like to have a farewell coffee with him in a few weeks and was mildly interested to see if he's cut down. I don't think it was rape I think he was a complete idiot and didn't know what he was doing.

He was a bit upset I'd cancelled some days out we had planned. I've been clear it's over now.

Your DH sounds nice.

This man is not worthy of your time, attention or sympathy. Not after what he did to you. Let him sink, horrible creature.

Wow @kalinkafoxtrot45 you're forthright!! I like your writing style.

I've got a bit of breathing space now to process it all so it's possible I may not want a coffee when it comes to it. I'll see.

It takes a bit of time to stop caring about someone. I've got a counsellor so I'll go through it with her. I'm no saint but if he acts like that under the influence the drink has to go.

If you're not very serious why's he telling you about him fucking (possibly raping if they were trafficked) prostitutes?

@LemonPrism he and wife split in 2012, I was asking why they split and he said she'd cheated, I asked him if he'd cheated and he said he visited prostitutes whilst he was working on the continent.

Sounds like they ended up hating each other and trying to hurt each other to be honest. I asked him recently if his wife had known he did and he said he didn't want to talk about it.

Of course it will take you some time to stop caring for him. But you need to start caring for yourself more.

You don’t have to act on every feeling you have you know. You have agency. You can decide not to do things that are bad for you.

Same as you go to work, even when you feel like staying in bed all day and watching Netflix.

@IM0GEN occasionally I do that if I'm under the weather!

But definitely agree just leave him to it now, he's taking up too much thinking time which could be better directed.

Sorry if I came across as too blunt there! Just my outrage at this man, who you still speak sympathetically of. You’re a much better person than he is.

Hope you will be well. But I would suggest cutting him off and not seeing him again, not even for closure. He doesn’t deserve a single minute. Focus that time and energy on yourself. 💐

"Is there a technical term for when you're not quite awake"

Well there's a technical term if someone has sex with you while you're in that state. Rape. He raped you. It doesn't matter he was drunk, or that he might not have heard you, or you should have pushed him off. It's very common for your body to go into four, fight or freeze mode. I know you don't want to think about it as rape, nor did i when my ex did it to me. I didn't recognise it as rape until some years later when i had therapy for unrelated issues, but it was and by god it hit me hard when it came out in therapy. I did leave him as i knew what he had done was wrong even though i couldn't name it. "Luckily" my ex didn't cause me any physical injuries. Just mental ones.

You don't owe this man a single thing. Hopefully in 2 weeks after some distance from him, your feelings towards him would have changed.

One thing I can say is that I really didn't wake up properly...that's never happened to me before. Otherwise I would have shoved him. I was trying to push his hand away because it was hurting then he rolled me over and I just let him get on with it because I wanted it over. Don't forget I was staying at his overnight and it was in darkness and I didn't have clothes on. He never let me wear a nightdress in bed. I always like wearing a nightdress to bed. Nothing like this has happened before in the two years.

Took him a while as I was too tense.

Chew sorry you had a bad experience