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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Seeing someone who has previously gone to prostitutes

366 replies

VioletVoice · 12/01/2020 16:40

I've not been in this situation before and it does bother me a bit. He and ex wife appeared to have got into a toxic relationship and she cheated with his friends, he went to prostitutes whilst working abroad.

He's quite open about this, they obviously weren't good for each other. 2 children involved but they seem relatively unscathed and he and ex get on fine now.

I'm not sure how I should feel about this though, we're not super serious (and he wouldn't be able to afford it at the moment anyway!) but it does make me feel a bit uneasy. He's been quite upfront really and said it was control as his marriage was crumbling.

OP posts:
loserssaywhat · 15/01/2020 21:18

Jesus Christ. Block him already. He sounds vile.

percheron67 · 15/01/2020 21:21

OP. I have only just started reading your thread and it may be a bit late for my comments but, anyway ……...I was married to a man for around seven years before he died. At first, I was head over heels but his controlling and snide personality spoiled everything. The reason I am posting is that after we married, he told me he had used prostitutes whilst abroad on business and when he and his first wife were having problems. This upset me so much and it was the final straw.

I think, that when our marriage started to crumble he used prostitutes again. There was also marital rape - but I didn't know that this was a thing until I started reading Mumsnet. My reason for posting is that I think it is important for you to know what can happen - I really don't want you to go through this in your life.

Nojeansplease · 15/01/2020 23:48

Look he’s shown he doesn’t respect your body and you as much as he doesn’t respect other women and feels a woman’s body is an object for his pleasure
I’m really sorry that happened to you.

I feel like you’d really benefit from working on yourself and building up your own confidence and self esteem. You don’t deserve this treatment and I hope you’ll learn your own value. Flowers

Original poster
VioletVoice · 16/01/2020 00:02

@percheron67 I'm so sorry that happened to you, you do deserve so much more.

Nothing more has happened I felt so incredibly uneasy about it that I just want to leave it.

OP posts:
percheron67 · 16/01/2020 00:12

VioletVoice - what a kind post. Thank you. I, in my clumsy way, was trying to help! All good luck to you and I hope you can somehow distance your mind from the present and view your situation from a kind of distance. Hindsight etc.. Things are always clearer from a distance aren't they. A very unMumslike x because I cant do the flowers thingy!

Ilovefishcakes201 · 16/01/2020 05:09

Whilst I don’t have a problem with men that pay for sex or a woman willing to sell her body for money. But most men I know who have used prostitutes tend to never stop.
If he’s telling you this then there is probably a lot more he is not telling you.
I doubt he’s ever stopped using prostitutes.

Original poster
VioletVoice · 16/01/2020 06:23

I think it's a little bit more than that, it's sort of half counsellor half sex. It's just not an easy transaction. I doubt the prostitutes respect them and they have their own private lives and people they love.

Anyway I haven't heard from him, still. It freaked me out a little weekend before last when the sex really hurt and felt vacant and I just don't feel comfortable now. If you see someone you need to feel comfortable.

And no he can't afford it at the moment as he's ploughed all his money into a business venture and won't see a return until later on in the year

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 16/01/2020 06:27

You are looking in the wrong place for respect, love, reassurance etc. But the right place for a head fuck that decimate what little self respect you currently have.

Be kind to yourself and run not walk away. There is absolutely no happy endings here.

Please seek counselling ASAP!

AnyFucker · 16/01/2020 06:35

You have this narrative in your head, op, and I think it bears fuck-all relation to what is actually happening.

Your posts sound strange and rather detached. Like you have invested a lot of time and headspace convincing yourself of something but christ knows how, what or more importantly why

thekaiserswife · 16/01/2020 06:56

I absolutely would not consider seeing a man who was a cheater and visited prostitutes in the past.

I would worry that he has no respect for women and just uses them for sex and be truly horrified that he cheated like this on the mother of his children.

It would also raise alarm bells if a man was blaming his toxic relationship and his wife for his behaviour, I wonder what her side of the story is?

Block him, get an STD check and run for the hills. Lucky escape OP!

Original poster
VioletVoice · 16/01/2020 06:56

@AnyFucker sorry, I'm just trying to get my head around it. I don't actually think I can as it'll always be at the back of my mind now that he sees me as a sex object.

OP posts:
YasssKween · 16/01/2020 08:27

@violetvoice

Oh my love I could cry reading your updates.

He hurt you during sex because he didn't make sure you were fully awake.

That is terrible and I'm so sorry he did that - I don't think you realise how wrong of him that was or you wouldn't have spoken to him again, let alone even considered a relationship with him. Especially with his past prostitute use.

If you were my friend I'd want to give you a shake and a massive hug simultaneously. He has done a terrible thing to you. A selfish, cold, hurtful thing.

Not only did he do that when you weren't fully awake, and hurt you in the process, he has disappeared when you said directly you didn't want to have sex until the past prostitute issue was discussed.

Think about that objectively. You raised a boundary and a caveat for future sex on your terms and he literally instantly walked away.

This man is not good for you.
The relationship you want with him does not exist.

Please can you try to consider absolutely walking away from him?

There are decent men out there. And regardless, it's better to be single than even seeing someone who has made you feel so confused and damaged your confidence this much.

ThanksThanksThanks

YasssKween · 16/01/2020 08:28

Sorry, just saw you said you will be leaving it now when it comes to contact. That's brilliant news, please stick to that even if he gets back in touch. He's horrible Thanks

StillWeRise · 16/01/2020 09:57

and if you ever feel tempted or doubt your decision, come back and read this

Treesthemovie · 16/01/2020 12:55

It sounds like he may have raped you? If I'm following right, he started sex when you weren't fully awake - by this do you mean asleep and he penetrated you? And it hurt and felt detached.

Treesthemovie · 16/01/2020 12:56

This man does not respect the sexual agency of you or other women, he is dangerous, not a sad victim.

Original poster
VioletVoice · 16/01/2020 13:12

I wanted to go to sleep early so said to wake me up if he wanted to make love when he came to bed few hours later.

As it turned out I must have been completely shattered and was semi awake and kept saying ow ow ow. He should have checked first.

Some very kind posters on here, thanks.

I've rapidly gone off the idea of staying friends so this thread has helped me sort out my mangled head

OP posts:
Nojeansplease · 16/01/2020 13:16

Well done you, sometimes you need a bit of distance

He should have checked first
But then you said ow
Then ow again
And then ow again

It wasn’t enthusiastic consent
He didn’t care because he prioritised himself
You don’t need that sort of friend

Well done for being so strong and thinking this all through, you will learn so much and you are already stronger
But I’m sorry you had to face this

user7522689 · 16/01/2020 13:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/01/2020 14:39

As it turned out I must have been completely shattered and was semi awake and kept saying ow ow ow. He should have checked first.

'Kept' saying? You know you should only have to say 'ow' once to a decent man. And that 'ow' should be the result of a mistake. NOT an attempt to have sex when a woman isn't ready or even awake to consent or not.

Original poster
VioletVoice · 16/01/2020 15:06

It wasn't rape but it was a violation. He stayed up drinking beer after I'd gone to bed so didn't have full faculties and possibly didn't hear me as I was like a rag doll and he was drunk.

It's put me completely off him anyway as it was so painful and he won't talk to me properly.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 16/01/2020 15:35

Violet you need to examine your boundaries before you have a new relationship. A good man, even a drunk good man, cares if a woman he is sleeping with is in pain, or having a good time. This one doesn't.

Next time, a good man or no man.

Original poster
VioletVoice · 16/01/2020 16:06

Thanks Terry

OP posts:
YasssKween · 16/01/2020 16:17

Been thinking of you today @VioletVoice and hoping you're ok, I know this thread must have been hard but I really hope it's helped in the long run Thanks

IM0GEN · 16/01/2020 17:22

If you didn’t consent to sex with him at that time and in that way - that’s rape. You couldn’t consent because you were asleep. You indicated that he was hurting you but he didn’t stop.

The fact that you consented to sex in general with him doesn't mean that he can do what he wants when he wants.

The fact that he was drunk is not a defence, either legally or morally.

You feel incredibly uneasy about this because your body and your heart know that it was very wrong, that he assaulted you. It’s your head that is trying to think up a logical explanation for it, because the alternative is very tough to deal with.