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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Seeing someone who has previously gone to prostitutes

366 replies

VioletVoice · 12/01/2020 16:40

I've not been in this situation before and it does bother me a bit. He and ex wife appeared to have got into a toxic relationship and she cheated with his friends, he went to prostitutes whilst working abroad.

He's quite open about this, they obviously weren't good for each other. 2 children involved but they seem relatively unscathed and he and ex get on fine now.

I'm not sure how I should feel about this though, we're not super serious (and he wouldn't be able to afford it at the moment anyway!) but it does make me feel a bit uneasy. He's been quite upfront really and said it was control as his marriage was crumbling.

OP posts:
Gwilt160981 · 20/01/2020 06:23

Don't even touch him with a barge pole.

Sugarpea123 · 20/01/2020 06:26

Ugh. No.

JolieOBrien · 20/01/2020 06:49

What is worse is this man had a wife and two children but he had a credit card for porn sites which he used during work hours and he visited lap dancing clubs ... not a very nice individual at all. He was eventually sacked and his wife divorced him and I think she has someone new now. As for him ... I would not be surprised if he is still using prostitutes etc. I think these kind of men never ever change.

penisbeakers · 20/01/2020 06:59

@Clymene

Buying sex is not shameful.

Again, people buy sex for many reasons, and as long as they are not being duplicitous or unsafe, there is no shame in it.

Original poster
VioletVoice · 20/01/2020 12:15

Oh gosh I didn't really want to get into a discussion about the nuances of buying/selling sex. I feel uneasy about him buying sex when with ex wife with children involved.

He's being incredibly polite and contrite at the moment about what happened. I got it through to him that he wouldn't like it at all if someone hurt his genitals. He was pissed off his head and I didn't wake up properly so I was mumbling quietly.

It's healed now but was very sore for a few days. Heard from him this morning but don't feel inclined to travel to visit him so I'll have a coffee in a few weeks.

At least he's cut down on drinking.

OP posts:
JolieOBrien · 20/01/2020 14:18

@VioletVoice

It is clear to me that you will continue to see this man and you don't seem to care that he uses prostitutes etc .... so I wish you good luck because you are going to need it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/01/2020 14:28

Buying sex is not shameful.

It is. And this man is a perfect example of the kind of man who does it. One who appears not to give a shit if the women he is having sex with enjoys it or not. It's part of a pattern, not a stand-alone behaviour.

Original poster
VioletVoice · 20/01/2020 14:51

@JolieOBrien we've split, I don't want to see him for a while anyway. I'm not getting into any arguments with him anyway.

@MrsTerryPratchett I just think differently about sex, I think it should be safe and affectionate and no cheating. He didn't cheat on me but made me feel used that night. So he's lost himself a girlfriend who cared about him.

OP posts:
AmazingGreats · 20/01/2020 15:10

Payment is coercion. Coerced sex is rape. There is no consensual prostitution, just rape for money. I used to think it was all one big murky grey area, but I see it as black and white now, tbh. So this would be a whole heap of no from me.

Original poster
VioletVoice · 20/01/2020 15:21

He's driving me a bit mad at the moment as I just had another caring message from him.

I want a break from communication with him to clear my head. I'm not going to spring up and say "yes I'm fine!" when I'm not.

OP posts:
T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 20/01/2020 15:24

Why haven’t you blocked him?

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/01/2020 15:36

I think it should be safe and affectionate

You see that he doesn't, right? And I'm not sure he knows that friendships should also be safe and affectionate. I don't think he's a safe and affectionate person, full stop.

Original poster
VioletVoice · 20/01/2020 15:42

I sent him a message just now and said I would be away for a bit and then blocked him as he's doing my head in.

I need more space to get some distance.

It's kind of people to help out with this as my friends would be a resounding NO like a bellow if I said to them.

OP posts:
JolieOBrien · 20/01/2020 18:22

@VioletVoice

You have done the right thing because he will cause you nothing but misery, these kind of men do.

Original poster
VioletVoice · 20/01/2020 23:14

@JolieOBrien I doubt I'll have have an update on this thread as I'll unblock him in a fortnight and arrange coffee.

I need time to clear my head. We won't get back together but I'd like to know how he's getting on with cutting back on drink and if the ADs are working, just a general catch up.

OP posts:
Nojeansplease · 20/01/2020 23:20

Violet this man made you feel unsafe
He hurt you
Please don’t feel that you owe him anything now
It is not your responsibility to fix him or check he is ok, he did not check you were ok.

gettingfedupagain · 20/01/2020 23:40

It sounds like you still want something from him. What is it that you are hoping for? Are you hoping he will be grateful for all the emotional energy you've put into helping him? It sounds like you still want to be important to him?

Be very careful meeting him for coffee, you are not emotionally free of him yet, and he hurt you

Original poster
VioletVoice · 21/01/2020 02:03

@gettingfedupagain Oh, now there's a question.

It's been 2 years and I'd like to know if he's getting on ok with dealing with MH. We do get on extremely well talking and just listening to music.

It's slightly harder to answer what I get out of it, I suppose I care and want him to be well, I need a little time to let go fully. There is an element that I still think he's my boyfriend. Yes probably do still want to be important.

OP posts:
Fatladyissinging · 21/01/2020 02:11

If any men are reading this threads as you can see honesty IS NOT the best policy

Original poster
VioletVoice · 21/01/2020 02:28

Drunkenness isn't either

OP posts:
iwunderwhy · 21/01/2020 02:47

@mamato3lads
I don't agree its character assassination. Everyone has been kind to OP and she asked the question.

You have your opinion which is respected... and for those of us who feel like an eeeewwwwwww that should be respected too.

I'm not for all this justification about prostitution. Not until its clearly not about poverty, power, gender, children and trafficking which it mostly still is.

Original poster
VioletVoice · 21/01/2020 02:56

Hurting someone in the genitals is not the best policy either @Fatladyissinging.

Think about it a bit more.

OP posts:
penisbeakers · 21/01/2020 03:27

@MrsTerryPratchett

No, it isn't.

penisbeakers · 21/01/2020 03:29

@AmazingGreats

That is utterly ridiculous nonsense. 🙄

JolieOBrien · 21/01/2020 06:30

@VioletVoice

Why do you want to see him again? I would not go near a man like this ever again. There are plenty of nice men who don't use prostitutes around if you look. This man sounds horrible and I really cannot see why you want to hook up with him. You do realise he will continue to see prostitutes so I would make sure you book into a sexual health clinic for a check up. Is he really good looking is that the attraction for you?