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Original poster

Seeing someone who has previously gone to prostitutes

366 replies

VioletVoice · 12/01/2020 16:40

I've not been in this situation before and it does bother me a bit. He and ex wife appeared to have got into a toxic relationship and she cheated with his friends, he went to prostitutes whilst working abroad.

He's quite open about this, they obviously weren't good for each other. 2 children involved but they seem relatively unscathed and he and ex get on fine now.

I'm not sure how I should feel about this though, we're not super serious (and he wouldn't be able to afford it at the moment anyway!) but it does make me feel a bit uneasy. He's been quite upfront really and said it was control as his marriage was crumbling.

OP posts:
Beansandcoffee · 16/01/2020 17:25

@violetvoice - oh you really must re-examine your boundaries. To me it sounds like he raped you. Even if he was drunk a kind man would have stopped and said let’s wait until you are ready etc etc. You did not give consent at that time and in fact you told him it hurt three times. That’s not love.
Don’t contact him again. Work on yourself. You sound such a nice woman and I’m sorry you have met this horrible man who really doesn’t see women as his equal.

Original poster
VioletVoice · 16/01/2020 18:04

I don't think he raped me just that he was too drunk when he came to bed and didn't really hear me and was fucking horrible.

I have to see him again as I've left a bag of washing there. I turned up with it as I was about to travel. So some of my dresses and my hot water bottle are still there. I can do a quick swoop and grab though.

OP posts:
Nojeansplease · 16/01/2020 18:26

Hey violet please take someone with you for support.
Only you and he were there and know what happened. But please know for the future no matter how drunk any man is, that is not an excuse. He should be actively listening to and checking in with you that you consent and continue to consent throughout. It is not for you to scream ‘ow’ loud enough that he can’t ignore it.

Beansandcoffee · 17/01/2020 07:56

Morning @VioletVoice. How are you today.

Please listen to other posters as your boundaries are wrong. He did rape you as you didn’t willingly consent at that time. It doesn’t matter what state he was in - that is irrelevant- what matters is did you happily give consent at that time when he woke you up. Anyway it’s done now but please think about this in future relationships. Nice men, ask all the time, is that nice? is that good? Do you like that? Etc etc.

Have a good day. What nice things are you doing this weekend?

Original poster
VioletVoice · 18/01/2020 21:11

I got a friend to pick up my bag from his, that was done today.

I've been very clear it hurt and he'd hardly like it if he was kicked in the bollocks. He's being oddly reconciliatory though. But I did say you can't think any woman would enjoy that experience. I don't have to ever see him again now and I have nothing of his.

I know he was drunk but that's not making love it's...using me as a prostitute and it really fucking hurt. Anyway I've completely fallen out of love now and thanks

OP posts:
Beansandcoffee · 19/01/2020 19:54

Well done @VioletVoice. You can move on now. Perhaps not date for a few months and build up your confidence. Posters on here mention the Freedom Programme which might be suitable for you. Good luck and stay strong.

Original poster
VioletVoice · 19/01/2020 23:23

He got in contact today and said he'd cut down on drinking and has started on ADs for his depression. He's spoken to his doctor.

He wants to have a drink together shortly. Coffee!

I hope it helps him and I'm ok with a hot drink although not yet, maybe in a couple of weeks. It's his responsibility to work on this.

OP posts:
GrandTheftWalrus · 19/01/2020 23:26

On the other hand what if a woman was paid for sex (coerced into it by her husband) and the new partner knows, would it still be frowned upon?

KitchenDancefloor · 19/01/2020 23:50

Please don't meet him. He doesn't have your best interests at heart. He is not your friend. He wants things from you not for you.

Please invest your time in people who care about you such as family and long-term friends instead.

Please seek relationship counselling (alone) before you consider dating again.

Honestly he's fine without you and doesn't need you. Please question why you need/want him in your life so badly when he has assaulted, ignored and insulted you.

You deserve far far better than this Thanks

YasssKween · 20/01/2020 00:10

Please read this whole thread back and make a decision OP.

Meeting up with him, to benefit his emotional wellbeing, on his terms, now he has asked you... is not kind to yourself.

Please don't slip backwards and undo all the hard work you've done seeing through this being your problem to solve. It isn't.

It is not a woman's job to fix a broken man! Let him do it for himself, it's kinder for him and much much much less painful for you.

He's been horrible to you OP, don't forget that. At your most vulnerable he was selfish, turned on you and dismissed your feelings. That is not what a friend does.

He hurt you the time you weren't ready. He should have been mortified. He wasn't. You had to explain it to him.

Don't waste more time on this guy.

Original poster
VioletVoice · 20/01/2020 01:52

@YasssKween you seem like such a nice person. He'd really drank too much, this was two weeks ago Saturday. But I woke up few hours earlier than him on the Sunday and did a headcount of empty cans in the kitchen and it was loads.

Hopefully he'll calm down now he's seeking assistance but it's not up to me.

He is quite ashamed that he hurt me. It's unfortunate I didn't wake up properly otherwise I would have given him a monumental shove.

OP posts:
GrandTheftWalrus · 20/01/2020 02:01

My exH had been on adult work a lot. He said he never met anyone and was just looking but I found the emails of booking requests etc.

One night I was asleep and he pulled my tampon out and proceeded to have sex with me.

Thats not the actions of a loving man.

penisbeakers · 20/01/2020 02:10

Christ.

Sexworkers, especially full service ones, are some of the most sexually healthy people on the face of the planet because it's their job to be.

They're not vermin to be disgusted by, and it's about time people stopped insinuating that.

Sadiee88 · 20/01/2020 02:29

I know a few men who’ve frequented establishments in Amsterdam and whose partners have no idea.... more common than you think!
Proceed with caution!

Original poster
VioletVoice · 20/01/2020 02:33

Yeah, I think the main question is what capacity the men view women in. I feel uneasy about the use because there's such a divorce between affection and sexual relations and it's a financial transaction.

@penisbeakers I don't think anyone was saying they were vermin, just that they might feel unhappy about being with a man who had rented a woman's body. So it's more criticising the man.

OP posts:
Original poster
VioletVoice · 20/01/2020 02:36

@Sadiee88 it's over now :)

But thank you for the words and I'll meet him for a coffee at some point. We get on very well talking. I haven't got time at the moment though.

OP posts:
Sadiee88 · 20/01/2020 02:44

See where it goes. At least he’s been honest with you.

Original poster
VioletVoice · 20/01/2020 02:50

It's two separate issues really, I've always felt uncomfortable about him cheating on his wife with prostitutes, then I felt very uneasy about him being forceful with sex last time I saw him and it made me feel used.

I'm honestly ok with seeing him briefly for a hot drink next month and am glad he's seeking help with his depression and has cut back on alcohol.

OP posts:
Sadiee88 · 20/01/2020 02:55

I think you are doing the right thing, for both of you. He needs to sort himself out.

AgentJohnson · 20/01/2020 05:11

His pattern of behaviour is deeply worrying and you really should this man and his myriad of problems.

JolieOBrien · 20/01/2020 05:15

@VioletVoice

I have known a man who cheated on his wife with prostitutes and was a porn addict. Men like this do not change and I would not touch one with a barge pole. If you continue to see him you are in for a life of cheating and never knowing what he is up to. Do you want that?

penisbeakers · 20/01/2020 05:39

@VioletVoice there is nothing wrong with men seeking out the services of sexworkers.

There IS something wrong with men seeking services in a manner that is duplicitous when they are in marriages and relationships, in the same way that having extramarital sex with someone he might pick up randomly. That's cheating in both instances.

But let's not shame people for paying for sex, if a woman wishes to sell sex, she can. If your theory is that it looks badly on men who purchase sex, well that opens up the discussion up for looking down on men who would not ordinarily have a sex life for a variety of reasons, perhaps they are severely disabled, or perhaps they work a very demanding job and don't have time for a relationship, so they hire a sexworker for a mutually beneficial transaction. Those are two examples. There are more.

Buying and selling sex is not shameful.

MyOtherProfile · 20/01/2020 05:42

Why would you see him for coffee? He has been horrible to you in bed and by text. And whatever you say, it was rape. You were asleep, not ready and saying ow several times but he just carried on.

Don't meet him for coffee if you have any self respect at all.

JolieOBrien · 20/01/2020 05:43

@penisbeakers

It is personal choice but I once went out with a man who admitted using a sex worker in Amsterdam (he was proud of it) I never saw him again because he wasn't the kind of man I would want to date. I think a lot of women would feel the same.

Clymene · 20/01/2020 06:01

Selling sex is not shameful. Buying it is.

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