What the hell is going on??!!

[candymilk]

So I need some perspective. I'm going out of my mind.

DH birthday tomorrow and so we went out for the day today as a little treat. Plan was to get to the town/place, have a coffee, look around a few shops and then have dinner altogether in quite a nice place which has some nice memories for us - kids with us too. DH said to kids bring some pocket money to spend at the shops.

Got there all good. Had coffee, mooched in an art gallery and a couple of grown up (boring) shops and then DH says right let's go and have dinner. I said to him about kids spending there pocket money (his suggestion) and asked could we do that first/before.

Cue a huge and prolonged rant from him at me in the street in front of kids and loads of people. So cringe. Lots of shouting about it always being about the kids and he wants to do what he wants to do on his birthday! So awful :( so embarrassing. I was so shocked and taken aback by his outburst.

He then says right let's look at shops then and stormed down the high street with us trailing behind. We didn't go into any shops and eventually got to the nice food place and he said no he didn't want to go in as it's spoiled so we went to a pizza place instead and ate in virtual silence.

Got home had a bit of a row (again) and basically he says I'm thoughtless and only care about the kids and he wanted one day for himself. I think he is being really childish and immature.

Now he's sulking and acting wounded like such a martyr that I feel guilty even though he overreacted and caused the whole nonsense!

Is it just me or is it him? I'm so confused I feel like I did something so awful and ruined his birthday - that is how he is acting :(

Ps he does have form for doing this kind of thing and it's always because I've done something 'thoughtless'

[Lunde]

Sorry I had to laugh when you wrote about your H holding his breath. This is toddler tantrum behaviour! I'd find it hard to take se

It is very concerning that your H is a SAHD - why would you want your kids brought up by a toddler? They are going to be wrecked emotionally.

[Lunde]

• I'd find it hard to take seriously in a 4 year old
  
  (posted too soon)

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe]

My blood ran cold reading your posts, candymilk. I recognise myself in your children, being sensitive to the unreasonable lack-of-adult behaviour in my dad and trying hard to make my mum feel better.

It is NOT the worst thing in the world to divorce or for children to know that. Children can understand that both parents love them but that the situation - and only the situation (if that helps) is to blame and it is not to continue. They are not to blame and they must trust Mum to do what is best for them.

I kept asking my Mum if they were going to divorce and it was terrible... but only because I didn't really know what divorce meant and my dad dripped poison about it. He did it to hurt my Mum and causing anguish to us, the children, was the most direct route.

You can't fix him and you shouldn't try. Your children are younger than I was when my Mum eventually divorced him... I wish she'd had access to a board like this to show her other options and to validate how she was feeling.

Best wishes to you and your children - please don't feel obliged to keep going with this 'man'. It's not only your job to make your children feel secure, it's his too and he's screwing that up royally.

[wrongsideofhistorymyarse]

OP, this is ringing all kinds of bells. My first husband was similar, particularly deliberately depriving me of sleep.

Good luck.

[BasilOfBakerStreet]

@OlivejuiceU2
Well, bully for you

[SoTiredTonight]

@TheReef He holds his breath, sorry op I know this is serious and your life, but I did laugh at that, I remember my toddler doing that when she wasn't getting her way. She'd also put her hands over her ears and hide under the quilt.
He really is pissed that you're starting to stand up for yourself isn't he? Amazing the lengths these men will stoop to, to keep control and keep you under the thumb. I think I may have just laughed at him and walked out.

This. Exactly how I reacted. If it wasn’t so serious, it’d be laughable. Hope you’re ok today OP, I’m sure not sleeping properly doesn’t help matters at all!

[6demandingchildren]

you need a real man, im agog at how petulant he is and im afraid i would probably laugh at him.
i wish you all the luck in the world as you need a life without him in it.

[Psychologika]

OP, I say this with all the kindness in the world, but, that horrible childhood that you're trying to save him from? That's the one you are subjecting your children to right now.

[NumbersStation]

Holding his breath? I’m wavering between thinking he is a gert knob and thinking he is quite unwell. It could be both.

It I couldn’t live with that. If someone grown held their breath with me I’m afraid I would laugh.

Your poor kids. You know you need to get out don’t you love? It isn’t a toxic atmosphere. You are swimming in toxic soup.

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

I really hope you are making plans to leave. I understand you can't do it overnight. But you cannot subject your children (or yourself) to this any longer. It's not fair on any of you, and will just perpetuate the cycle (he's now repeating whatever shit childhood he had, and making sure his children have it too - twisted or what!?)

Please take care and do not tell him of any plans to leave until everything is in place or his behaviour will escalate. Trust me.

[CousinKrispy]

OP, I have a book recommendation for you:
www.amazon.co.uk/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

Obviously I can't diagnose your H, but I think this book is invaluable for those of us who have been stuck in anyone who displays certain behaviors ... it's great at clarifying what they're doing that is problematic, but also helping you see how your own beliefs (like you owe it to him to make up for his crap childhood) might be helping to keep you trapped. It's very practical and sensible and supportive.

Please read again and again about grey rock technique, too. The more you can detach from your H's crazymaking ways, the better it will be for your mental health.

You sound like such a lovely kind, caring person and a great mum. You are absolutely not to blame for any of his shit. And you absolutely can get away from it and build a better life for you and your children. Please talk to Women's Aid, seek legal advice, and start the path to getting him out of your life (at least as much as possible). I promise it will be better for you without him.

[Mary1935]

He’s an abusive bloody free loader.
Are you entitled to any tax credits at all.
Look on entitled to

[Aminuts23]

OP speak to a debt adviser and try to do some of the childcare with after school clubs. This man is a despicable emotional bully. My ex was very similar although I hesitate to say even he wasn’t as bad as this. You can’t rescue him, that’s not your job. He’s totally controlling you. It’s deeply manipulative and really worrying. My ex used to use a terrible family tragedy every time he felt himself losing an argument. It wasn’t his fault, his relative died and I didn’t understand. Used to take himself to sit and the grave (so he said ). This tragedy happened about 15 years before I even met him. He used to drive like a lunatic with me in the car, gaslight me, bad mouth me to friends and family who half believed him!! (That took some sorting out).
You absolutely can and should leave. His behaviour is shocking. It’s not just petchulent, it’s deeply abusive. He knows exactly what he’s doing and it won’t get better.
I’ll guess he’ll start with your DC soon, slowly drip feeding them that it’s all your fault. Please please leave for their sake. The peace you will have when he’s gone is indescribable. You and your kids deserve better

[Zofloramummy]

Having read your thread and also having been in a relationship with a very similar man all I can advise you is this - you’ve opened your eyes, you’ve reached out on here, you know this all kids of wrong and that no matter how hard you try it’ll never be enough.

You can’t go backwards now, you’ve had your revelation and been validated (by many women who’ve been in the same situation) that it isn’t you, it’s him. I would recommend you read everything you can about Abi’s I’ve partners, get some counselling yourself and ring Stepchange about your debt. Don’t expect any change from him but start planning how you are going to move forward.

Your dc don’t want you to divorce but no child ever does really, it’s the fear of the unknown and the familiar that they cling to. You have to act in their best interests, they aren’t babies, they are picking up on everything and they are probably walking on eggshells themselves.

You can’t fix him, he doesn’t love anyone as much as he loves himself and he never will. When he is lovely it’s only on his terms and it’s to keep you hooked (read about hoovering). You will feel so much better once you are free, not straight away, but in the future you will be able to breathe, have fun with the kids and not have to constantly worry about him, what does he want, what’s his mood, so much mind space on someone who couldn’t give a shiny shite about anyone else’s feelings but his own.

[Zofloramummy]

*kids - kinds

[Zofloramummy]

Abusive

Really need to proof read

[billybagpuss]

How are things this evening op?

[Blanca87]

Your need to appease him is coming at the expense of your children's well-being. Reading your responses made me cry for your children. At the moment you are not keeping your children emotionally safe as you are too invested in how he feels, his needs, his outburst. He is a cunt and you need to leave. Please for the love of God contact Womens Aid, if you won't do it for yourself, do it for your children.

[CustomerCervixDepartment]

Is there anyone your kids can stay with while you do this analysing and handwringing bit? I was made to live in an abusive household as a kid and it damaged me for life, your kids adrenaline and cortisol will be flooding their developing brains, home is not safe for them, they walk on eggshells and pander to your shit bloke, soon, they’ll get fucking angry. Rightfully. The dudes words and thoughts are irrelevant, you can’t reason with him or make him not be an abuser, please put all that energy and effort to those kids.

[CustomerCervixDepartment]

And they’re not asking about divorce because they want to be a ‘family’ with their shit dad, they’re asking when they’ll feel safe, when they’ll not have to pander to that man’s rage and stonewalling and abuse and try to protect you and feel helpless.

[HighNetGirth]

When. He is around I think you get so much Adrenalin and cortisol flooding your system that you can’t think straight. The ranting serves to keep you in that state.

Please start avoiding him as much as you can.

Oh, and the kids will say they dread you divorcing but when it happens they will be so much calmer and happier.

[SoTiredTonight]

@candymilk Haven’t heard from you for a little while, hope you’re ok! x

[candymilk]

Hi I'm ok. Just been very overwhelmed with the events of the last few days I needed some time to think things through/recover and sleep. I've told two people in real life and I have their counsel and support, which is such a relief. All is calm at home and I am using the time to work our what I'm going to do and plan. I've been rereading this thread to help with that.

Thank you everyone for your wise words and support - it's been so overwhelming but in a good way! X

[carlywurly]

Just read through this and got flashbacks to xh who was utterly foul towards the end of our marriage.

I had that ping moment when he said something so needlessly mean and despite being broken something just snapped inside me. I lawyered up with the best divorce solicitor I could get and divorced him.

I know how hard it is but you can't continue to live like this. He's damaged, it's not your fault and you can't fix him. He contributes absolutely nothing positive to your family life.

I actually wish I knew you in real life so I could give you a hug. I'm glad you have support. This absolutely isn't you, it's him.

[RandomMess]

KOKO