What the hell is going on??!!

[candymilk]

So I need some perspective. I'm going out of my mind.

DH birthday tomorrow and so we went out for the day today as a little treat. Plan was to get to the town/place, have a coffee, look around a few shops and then have dinner altogether in quite a nice place which has some nice memories for us - kids with us too. DH said to kids bring some pocket money to spend at the shops.

Got there all good. Had coffee, mooched in an art gallery and a couple of grown up (boring) shops and then DH says right let's go and have dinner. I said to him about kids spending there pocket money (his suggestion) and asked could we do that first/before.

Cue a huge and prolonged rant from him at me in the street in front of kids and loads of people. So cringe. Lots of shouting about it always being about the kids and he wants to do what he wants to do on his birthday! So awful :( so embarrassing. I was so shocked and taken aback by his outburst.

He then says right let's look at shops then and stormed down the high street with us trailing behind. We didn't go into any shops and eventually got to the nice food place and he said no he didn't want to go in as it's spoiled so we went to a pizza place instead and ate in virtual silence.

Got home had a bit of a row (again) and basically he says I'm thoughtless and only care about the kids and he wanted one day for himself. I think he is being really childish and immature.

Now he's sulking and acting wounded like such a martyr that I feel guilty even though he overreacted and caused the whole nonsense!

Is it just me or is it him? I'm so confused I feel like I did something so awful and ruined his birthday - that is how he is acting :(

Ps he does have form for doing this kind of thing and it's always because I've done something 'thoughtless'

He's still not home....

Put the kids to bed, run yourself a bath and lock the bathroom door. Put some chilled out music on and try to relax.
I used to look at properties on Rightmove to keep me feeling positive/focussed too.
No doubt when he comes back he will try to guilt trip you no matter what you've done in his absence- how DARE you be happy/calm/content when he isn't the entire centre of your universe?!
Seeing as how everything you do is wrong in his eyes-
You might as well get more bang for your buck!

Actually...what do I do when he comes home. He'll probably just ignore me and go to bed but if he starts ranting I'll have to ignore him. I can't get into anymore rows.... exhausted...

I wouldn’t really acknowledge him. He didn’t think about you at all today or he would have been back before now.

You and the kids had a great day. Think of that. And don’t engage if he starts.

Do you have a separate room/another bed in the house you can go to?
Would totally avoiding him be better than being up when he gets home?

I mean, if you do still happen to be up - just don’t get drawn on an argument - just keep reiterating that you don’t want to argue. Keep repeating that.

Well let’s hope he just goes to bed.
But I fear not. You having a nice day will be enough for him

I've just looked up narcissistic abuse and I feel sick. I can relate to a lot of the warning signs and symptoms especially this explanation.... he has low self esteem and feels the need to be adored and made to feel important.

The problem is I've know him for a long time and I know he has suffered. I've seen his suffering and I feel so sorry for him too.

Boo diddly hoo.

Give yourself a good hard slap in the face and focus on the last sentence of the excerpt you posted: ...narcissists use destructive defense mechanisms that destroy relationships and cause pain and damage to their loved ones.

Emphasis on 'pain and damage', especially wrt your children. Do not dismiss or underestimate the effect your H is having on them. The word 'damage' is not strong enough. Exposure to him has the potential to ruin their lives. You have seen the bristling hostility toward them that he put on display when you were all out together. That's the tip of the iceberg. Narcissists don't do parenting.

What is real and true is whatever you feel.

In light of the fact that he is SAHP, you need to work toward retaining custody of the DCs. Your DCs at 9 and 11 are just about at the age when their preferences will be taken into account as to which parent they will live with primarily. Can you wait a few years until the younger one is 11/12 and in the meantime gray rock your H. You will need to go to therapy - C-PTSD is a beast, and you will need a lot of help to fight your way through it.

Your H is a textbook, classic, malignant narcissist. When you look for a therapist state this to the professional you talk to and ask how much expertise they have in dealing with victims of these abusers.

Do not waste time or money on a therapist who is not completely sympathetic to you. None of his behaviour is your fault. There are not two sides to this story. You may find that a referral or list of good candidates from Women's Aid would be most helpful.

Your children would benefit from therapy too, but in the meantime conversations with you along the lines of the one you mentioned upthread are absolutely necessary, as well as time spent together being real, building bonds. No more plate spinning. No more putting a brave face on it. Start talking to friends and to your family and even his if you think you would be well received (though apples don't fall far from the tree, so think carefully about this and beware).

In the meantime, here is how to gray rock your H:
www.aconsciousrethink.com/6158/gray-rock-method-dealing-narcissist/
You can also say things like, 'I'm sorry you feel that way,' or even, 'I don't have time to listen to you today.'

If he responds to the gray rock approach with rage where he smashes things or hurts you or the children do not hesitate to call the police and follow through with charges of domestic abuse. Get a protection order and a residence order for you and the children so you can continue to live in the home and he can't.

Sorry Boo diddly hoo is a response to him and his tale of childhood woe, not to your feeling of sympathy.

It's what you need to say to yourself in your own head when he trots out his 'poor diddums' routine.

I would start using breakfast /after school club. Show you can manage dc alone. Less time with him is in their best interests anyway imo.
At their age they don't need a sahp as such then.

He is stonewalling you by staying out.

You can practice gray rock right now by stopping any fretting about him, and repeating to yourself that his whereabouts are not your concern, his tantrum is pathetic, and work on your determination that you are not going to listen to him carefully or respectfully when he comes home. Build an attitude that you might consider rude and dismissive.

He sounds like an attention seeking brat...pack his bags

Three things -

First of all, see a solicitor and get some advice. Getting the lay of the land from a legal perspective will help with the issues of maintenance and access. At ages 9 and 11 they are about old enough to have their wishes taken into account.

Following on from the above, you need to start gathering evidence of his refusal to work. Make a timeline of the jobs he's left or been fired from - and the reasons why. Include the times where he's refused to find work. It builds a picture of the fact that him being a SAHP is not a joint decision and that you have been forced into the 14 hour days by dint of his refusal to step up and go to work.

Lastly, pull together the evidence of where the £40K has gone - show the evidence that it's gone on family expenses and him and the kids. Again it shows that you've ended up having to take on debt because of his refusal to work, and that servicing that debt is why you have to spend so much time away from your kids.

You mentioned he was in counselling but what about couples' counselling?

@starry7, & OP - mental health & domestic abuse professionals recommend that couples counselling should NOT be entered into when the partnership/marriage is abusive.
The abuser simply uses the counselling to undermine his victim & weaponise what he learns about her & the therapeutic process to control & manipulate her even further.

OP - are you having any counselling?
Where is the care & money for YOUR mental health being addressed?
I take it you are paying for his? - can you afford to carve out a budget for your own?

Lastly, pull together the evidence of where the £40K has gone - show the evidence that it's gone on family expenses and him and the kids. Again it shows that you've ended up having to take on debt because of his refusal to work, and that servicing that debt is why you have to spend so much time away from your kids.

^THIS.
Direct that inner rage OP, & do it.
In your own time ... but you need to start thinking about how custody & finances can be best managed for your & hte kids' benefit, & you need a SHL to talk you through what is possible & how best to ensure that your interests are protected.

@candymilk regarding his comments about "brand" my ex did this to me too, over 17 years of marriage.
Please get out now. I am in my mid 50s and have wasted the best years of my life feeling responsible for everything that was wrong with our relationship. I have now had therapy and been shown that it wasn't my fault! I will never feel the love of another man I fear and my children are likely damaged by their father"s behaviour.
Get out whilst you're young. Best of luck.

Hi he got home about 20 mins ago. He just came in and went straight to bed without saying a word.

I’m feeling really out of control.

And ignored... and angry actually too - at him blanking me.

Doesn't give a monkeys that he's been out all day. The kids couldn't sleep earlier worrying that he wasn't coming home. Arse!

He's doing the grey rock on me isn't he!!

Ignore. He wants a reaction - don't give him one.

Google the grey rock technique; it's very useful when dealing with narcissists.

Be ready for him to kick off tomorrow about how you are selfish and uncaring for not coming to check on him when he came in (translation: I wanted you to come and cry and grovel and apologise so that I could make you feel even more shit). Don't react, don't engage, just withdraw and carry on with what you are doing.

No, not the grey rock, this is stonewalling, it’s another form of abuse- he’s punishing you.

No, grey rock does not mean completely ignoring someone. It means disengaging politely and not feeding the drama by giving a reaction. He's ignoring you because he wants you to chase him. Don't.

Just be sure you treat him similarly when you get home from working for 14 hours. Again.

If he queries it? Tell him you are exhausted after yet another long day at work but can chat when you have an opportunity to rest.

Sorry @Andsbk I disagree. If you had RTFT you would know that this is the tip of the iceberg in terms of his behaviour. And a grown adult man behaving like a toddler and upsetting his own children for the millionth time. Really? You think that's ok? I don't.