What the hell is going on??!!

[candymilk]

So I need some perspective. I'm going out of my mind.

DH birthday tomorrow and so we went out for the day today as a little treat. Plan was to get to the town/place, have a coffee, look around a few shops and then have dinner altogether in quite a nice place which has some nice memories for us - kids with us too. DH said to kids bring some pocket money to spend at the shops.

Got there all good. Had coffee, mooched in an art gallery and a couple of grown up (boring) shops and then DH says right let's go and have dinner. I said to him about kids spending there pocket money (his suggestion) and asked could we do that first/before.

Cue a huge and prolonged rant from him at me in the street in front of kids and loads of people. So cringe. Lots of shouting about it always being about the kids and he wants to do what he wants to do on his birthday! So awful :( so embarrassing. I was so shocked and taken aback by his outburst.

He then says right let's look at shops then and stormed down the high street with us trailing behind. We didn't go into any shops and eventually got to the nice food place and he said no he didn't want to go in as it's spoiled so we went to a pizza place instead and ate in virtual silence.

Got home had a bit of a row (again) and basically he says I'm thoughtless and only care about the kids and he wanted one day for himself. I think he is being really childish and immature.

Now he's sulking and acting wounded like such a martyr that I feel guilty even though he overreacted and caused the whole nonsense!

Is it just me or is it him? I'm so confused I feel like I did something so awful and ruined his birthday - that is how he is acting :(

Ps he does have form for doing this kind of thing and it's always because I've done something 'thoughtless'

[candymilk]

Exactly -on my birthday I'm happiest when I'm with my kids and we are doing things that include them too!

[Weenurse]

That is not mature behaviour.
You say he has form for this.
Once everything has calmed down, have a quiet conversation about this, point out you have noticed this on special occasions, and suggest he talks about this with his counselor.

[CloudyVanilla]

My poor kids having to hear their father say to me 'of course, today is all about them isn't it!"

That is fucking horrible.

I don't want to upset you but I grew up with a dad a bit like yours, it has actually only gotten worse as he and my mum get older and now despite loving him in childhood I only feel my resentment grow towards him each day, mainly because of the way he treats my mum.

Do you think you can or should do this for the rest of your life?

[candymilk]

He also said the he asked two or three times if we could go and eat and I dismissed him but I honestly can't remember that happening more than once and even then it doesn't deserve the massive tantrum! And I was dismissive I just suggested an alternative!!

[candymilk]

I've been thinking that actually he won't ever change and it's always going to be like this.

Afterwards my daughter said to me (I agree with you mummy and not daddy so she can see how ridiculous it all was. I played it down as I don't want to get to the point where she is taking sides.

[NumbersStation]

He is blaming you for his bad behaviour OP.
Don’t be accepting of that.

I know he is going through counselling but a bad childhood isn’t something to be passed down the generations like an heirloom. Good people would be determined to never let their own children know that pain.

[candymilk]

I agree! I am so worried he/we will mes the kids up and pass down the pain.

One thing that makes me worry is that he doesn't seem to care much if they see us arguing or if he acts out in front of them or kicks off!

He has been vile in the past and scary to the point that I had to remove myself and the kids from the house for a day or two because he was being awful.

My first instinct is to protect them but I don't think he has this - he thinks they will be fine and need to understand that people sometimes argue!! I don't know what to call it but it's so odd.

[candymilk]

It feels like he is two people - I often describe it as his evil twin and he switches on and off like jeckel and Hyde. out of the blue! It's so unnerving!

I'm fuming now! He's gone to bed looking all hard done by and I'm livid.

[CalleighDoodle]

Of course he wont change. He has been a knob for ten years. Stop blaming what his childhood was like. He is an adult and chooses to continue to be a knob.

[candymilk]

He feels no shame about his outburst!! Just kept calling me thoughtless.

I've got to wrap his presents and write his card now!!

[Oliversmumsarmy]

I know he has form for this. But are you sure he isn’t fancying someone else and giving himself some rhetoric about how terrible his home life is.

[UYScuti]

I agree he sounds like a gert great knob even ☹️

[NumbersStation]

Leave his presents as they are. He doesn’t deserve the effort this birthday.

He is acting hard done by in the hope that you soothe him and reassure him that he isn’t to blame for his behaviour.

Well he is.

[frazzledasarock]

Return the gifts.

Use the money to see a solicitor. He is abusing you and your children.

[splattt]

Was this his 3rd birthday?

What an arse.

[candymilk]

But does that sound like proper emotional abuse though? I've often thought he might be EA but then I think perhaps he is just a horrible, cruel and selfish arsehole!! He doesn't control my money and hasn't tried to cut me off from family (although he is sometimes a bit funny about my close relationship with my brothers. It doesn't feel like textbook EA but I feel like I'm going mad.

[NumbersStation]

You know him OP - we don’t. But by your post today at best it is an unhealthy dynamic and at worst he is emotionally abusive.

You aren’t going mad. He is engineering it so it looks like you are the bad egg.

[candymilk]

He is very good at making me feel guilty and to blame for things. I think he has trained me to be like this over the past 10 years or so. He does struggle with his MH and we have just come out of a bad period of him treating me terribly and us both having sleepless nights, separate rooms and just not getting on and him being paranoid and jealous and just out there. For about 6 weeks.

I have found it exhausting and my MH isn't great either - I basically hide and cry / in the shower, in the car on my own, in the toilets at work! ;(

[Mulhollandmagoo]

Next time this happens let him storm off and you and the kids go off and do what you want to do! Don't placate him by scurrying behind him so as not to upset him more, do not show your children this is what you do when someone disrespects you!

[alliejay81]

I have a rule about abuse. If you even think it might be then it almost certainly is I'm afraid.

[Helpfullilly]

He is abusive and is abusing you and the children. It's emotional abuse and it has unfortunately probably already damaged them. Sadly as children get older these type of men can get worse.

I say that as an adult who grew up in an abusive household, with a father much like this.

My dad had a 'difficult childhood' but that's an explanation, not an excuse. Most people who are abused have enough empathy and love that they do all they can to protect their children from the sort of experiences they had.

Men like this are so damaged and self centred that they can't see beyond their own emotional reality and desires. It's part of their personalities and so is not something counselling can resolve. It's fundamental to who they are.

They don't consider other people as people. They are incapable of loving someone as a human being, including their children, hence the attitude the kids should just put up with his tantrums and if it seems to upset anyone they are the problem. -- if you have empathy, then it's very difficult to get your head around.

He straight up doesn't give a damn about any of you. It's all about him. You are things, which he owns and which exist for him to manipulate, mistreat, impress or enjoy as he chooses.

Please don't down play it for the kids. The thing about sides is just silly, he behaved terribly and it is GOOD your DD is aware of this. Especially when it was directed at her. Better you say yes, he behaved really badly and mummy is going to talk to him as it was wrong than condoning the behaviour. Otherwise, you are teaching them this is normal and okay. They are already blaming themselves.

I hated it when mum did this sort of thing and played it all down. It's objectively wrong, his actions, she knows, and such denials really did a number on me. You are denying her reality and emotional response. It leaves kids very confused and isolated. I honestly felt betrayed by it and saw a woman in front of me who was unwilling or unable to acknowledge reality...to protect or stand up for herself, and therefore me or my brother by extension. It felt very unsafe and sad. I ended up being the one who stood up for her and very protective of my mother.

I don't blame you, there will be reasons you have ended up in this situation and doing your best, but the sooner you get out of this relationship the better for your children's wellfare. I wish so much my mum left when we were young. My brother and I have struggled a lot to understand why she'd expose us to this sort of self esteem eroding behaviour. I carry mental and emotional scars that will never entirely heal due to it.

[OlivejuiceU2]

Here’s what I would have done.

As soon as he started shouting in the street I would have taken my kids and left him. I would never tolerate being shouted at. I would have gone and had a nice day with the kids and ignored him until he apologises.

I find in life people will push your boundaries and treat you badly if you let them. If he sulks and feels sort for him self ignore it.

Best advice I can give you. I know me and my partner don’t have a perfect relationship but he has never shouted at me or called me a horrible name, I also don’t put up with sulking that a lot of men seem to do these days, we are both happier for it.

I hope you have a better day tomorrow.

[GabsAlot]

I feel really sad reading your your posts he sounds vile and absuve-of course you did nothng wrong he told the kids to being the money-really upsetting that they witnessed his outburst its prob something they wont forget

[doodleygirl]

I am really not trying to kick you when you are down but if you want to protect your kids then you have to tell him to leave

If I ever had to leave my home because DH was being abusive it would be the end. Surely you can see this?

[Mary1935]

Yes he’s abusive. Yes they like to ruin special occasions too.
He won’t change - even with counselling. It’s all about him!!!
You would fair better single.