What the hell is going on??!!

[candymilk]

So I need some perspective. I'm going out of my mind.

DH birthday tomorrow and so we went out for the day today as a little treat. Plan was to get to the town/place, have a coffee, look around a few shops and then have dinner altogether in quite a nice place which has some nice memories for us - kids with us too. DH said to kids bring some pocket money to spend at the shops.

Got there all good. Had coffee, mooched in an art gallery and a couple of grown up (boring) shops and then DH says right let's go and have dinner. I said to him about kids spending there pocket money (his suggestion) and asked could we do that first/before.

Cue a huge and prolonged rant from him at me in the street in front of kids and loads of people. So cringe. Lots of shouting about it always being about the kids and he wants to do what he wants to do on his birthday! So awful :( so embarrassing. I was so shocked and taken aback by his outburst.

He then says right let's look at shops then and stormed down the high street with us trailing behind. We didn't go into any shops and eventually got to the nice food place and he said no he didn't want to go in as it's spoiled so we went to a pizza place instead and ate in virtual silence.

Got home had a bit of a row (again) and basically he says I'm thoughtless and only care about the kids and he wanted one day for himself. I think he is being really childish and immature.

Now he's sulking and acting wounded like such a martyr that I feel guilty even though he overreacted and caused the whole nonsense!

Is it just me or is it him? I'm so confused I feel like I did something so awful and ruined his birthday - that is how he is acting :(

Ps he does have form for doing this kind of thing and it's always because I've done something 'thoughtless'

He's doing the grey rock on me isn't he!!

No, what he is doing is stonewalling and giving you the silent but angry treatment, playing the game called 'guess my mood'.

Remain as calm as possible. Focus only on what is happening right now. Don't catastrophise - don't let your thoughts stray to 'How will I deal with work tomorrow?' Or 'What about the children?' Just lie there quietly and do not take the bait he is dangling there for you. Try conscious breathing and relaxation.

For the future, try gray rock again. Do not give him the attention he is so petulantly demanding.

Don't beat yourself up about 'failing' today. Old habits are hard to break.

You can get yourself several cups of coffee to get through the day tomorrow. It's going to be ok.

Change all your passwords
Do not use an family computer

This is excellent advice.

Also excellent advice to put a towel or something noisy in front of the door so you will hear it opening.

Sweetie start making your plans tomorrow. Call stepchange and woman's aid. Make secret plans to leave.
Hugs for tonight.

See a lawyer ASAP.

You are an excellent person and your husband is an abusive arsehole.

You need to get him out.

Stop apologising to him. He’s trying to ruin your life. He’s a total shit.

Hugs, I hope you sleep.

Plan your exit.
Do you own your home?
How much would you get if you sold it to pay debt?
Would he want custody of the DC.
You are in a delicate position given he has been SAHP.
Could you move to cheaper housing?
Get legal advice and plan.

Good luck

So sorry OP. I was also wondering if you could sell your home to pay your debt, or consolidate it into the mortgage?

I would go and chat to a lawyer during your lunch break this week to find out what would happen - financially and with the kids - if you were to leave him.

Do you have any abusive messages etc? Save them.

Oh op this was me a fair few years ago in my first marriage. You will get there, you're on the road to have your lightbulb moment when you just go 'ping' one day and that will be that, you'll be strong enough to leave and you won't have any feelings left for him so all his manipulation and abuse won't even touch you.

I can see by your posts you know exactly what he's doing to you, you also know deep down that it's him in the wrong not you. You've just been conditioned to apologise and do as he says. This will change I promise, so Jeep going, see a solicitor tomorrow.

I'd also recommend speaking to step change or you can go directly to your creditors re your debt. You can set up an affordable payment plan with them, they have to treat you fairly and can't pester you. It will affect your credit rating so I'd suggest doing this after you've got rid of your useless husband and settled in a new home. And do remember, the debt is half his too

He's trained you.

So what you argued with him on his birthday? He's an adult FFS - birthdays are just another day on the calendar. And as PP have already pointed out, he argues on your birthdays and your kids' birthdays, so he's not picky about which occasions he deliberately ruins.

He's crashing about to keep you awake. He intends for you to feel scared, and upset, and nervous. He is doing it because he wants you to come out and grovel to him, so that he can put you back in your place. He wants an argument and he's doing everything possible to provoke it.

Staying in this marriage is not protecting your children. I know you are horrified about the prospect of him having them alone, but he already does. Better for your kids to see him a couple of times a week and have a nice safe home to come back to, than them be in the current situation where they are growing up in a house where they feel frightened 24/7. If you split then the kids are likely to vote with their feet when they get older and refuse to see him anyway.

I know it's hard but stop going after him - it achieves nothing. aroundtheworldyet's advice about changing passwords is good. I would also take yours and the kids birth certificates and passports to work with you and lock them in a drawer there.

Morning and thank you.

He finally stopped and I managed to get some sleep. Only a bit though.

I went into our bedroom this morning before I left to see what state he was in (didn't want to leave the house with the kids there before I checked on him) and he ignored me and held his breath!

He's done that before when he is showing me he is upset with me he holds his breath or puts his hands over his ears when I am talking and he doesn't like what I am saying or he just puts his head under the covers and ignores me.

I am so frustrated and sad.

I just want a relationship with a responsible adult. When he's lovely he's lovely but when he's not, it's unbearable.

He is so very abusive!

He's done that before when he is showing me he is upset with me he holds his breath or puts his hands over his ears when I am talking and he doesn't like what I am saying or he just puts his head under the covers and ignores me.

Oh for fuck's sake. What a toddler.

You’re never going to gave a relationship with a responsible adult with him. Time to wise up

You should only be focusing on if the children are alright, not him. Why are you still pandering to him? You are giving him opportunities to abuse you each time you interact with him. Just ignore him. He's making your life and your children's lives hell and you're checking to see if he's OK?

Read this whole thread again over your lunch break and then contact Women's Aid.

He sounds ill actually

I understand your concern about leaving the kids in his care. He is an abuser and there is a danger he is teaching the kids to feel responsible for his pride and happiness too.

I know you work long hours, hence your need to "check his mood" before you go out. It looks to me as though you need to re-imagine your life so you can be with the kids more, even if that means a drop in income, or even a house/area move.

And sad to say the kids may need some help to realise that they are not responsible for their dad's wellbeing and state of mind. You need to be the adult here. It isn't fair on you, but it is what it is and there is help here to find a healthier life for you and the dcs.

Oh and he's never lovely. He just knows how to act that way when it suits him. He needs the services you provide, but he is too sick to see you as another (equal) person. It looks to me as though you are instead an extension of him, the part that is reponsible for all his feelings and actions because he is too afraid/entitled/damaged/lazy/whatever to take responsibility himself.

He holds his breath, sorry op I know this is serious and your life, but I did laugh at that, I remember my toddler doing that when she wasn't getting her way. She'd also put her hands over her ears and hide under the quilt.

He really is pissed that you're starting to stand up for yourself isn't he? Amazing the lengths these men will stoop to, to keep control and keep you under the thumb. I think I may have just laughed at him and walked out.

He holds his breath
Really? he sounds very simple/ uneducated /backward
Is he cognitively impaired, has he done a sport where there were several blows to the head?

I had a pretty shitty childhood but you grow up and move on with your life and vow you will make your life and your children’s life better.

I have met a couple of people over the years who have had equally shitty childhoods but who never got over it.

It is though they are still stuck as a young child, they blame everyone for their life not turning out the way they think it should be.

The problem is they are a child stuck in an adults body and every decision is based upon the fact they are still a child

Neither had children but even if they had I doubt they would have been capable of putting another person first they are so unaware of their surroundings

It is like asking a 5 year old to look after and be solely responsible for a child.

Him getting custody of children when he can’t look after himself is a joke.

I can see if your dh was a SAHD who put his children first then he might be able to get custody but this guy is so unaware of his actions and so wrapped up in himself he can’t possibly be described as a responsible adult

He doesn't sound at all lovely, and even periods of intense loveliness couldn't make up for shit like the stuff he is doing now.
Are the kids in school today? Given their ages I can't see how he is actually an SAHD. He's a part time / casual worker. A decent solicitor would deal with that in a split and stop you getting screwed over.

He holds his breath ignores you and is basically tantruming Jesus Christ
Fuck him

You're constantly talking about him on here but I hardly see a mention of your children (apart from when it is to do with your husband again).

Just stop fussing around him, checking on him and going over and over what each of you did or didn't do and start thinking about how this is fucking the children up for life.

Speak to a Solicitor TODAY. Be proactive and get rid.
No, it's not easy to do and it'll get complicated. But it needs doing.

Has it occurred to you that he is only 'lovely' when he has won; when you are completely under his control and doing everything HE needs to make HIS life lovely? Can you give an example of when he has been lovely on YOUR terms? When you haven't had to compromise, beg, bow down to him? Has he genuinely ever been lovely to you to make sure you are happy and feel loved and given you something because you wanted it, without an argument?

I hope you're keeping very detailed notes of all his infantile behaviour, it should easy for you to make the case that this man is not fit to have contact with children