What the hell is going on??!!

[candymilk]

So I need some perspective. I'm going out of my mind.

DH birthday tomorrow and so we went out for the day today as a little treat. Plan was to get to the town/place, have a coffee, look around a few shops and then have dinner altogether in quite a nice place which has some nice memories for us - kids with us too. DH said to kids bring some pocket money to spend at the shops.

Got there all good. Had coffee, mooched in an art gallery and a couple of grown up (boring) shops and then DH says right let's go and have dinner. I said to him about kids spending there pocket money (his suggestion) and asked could we do that first/before.

Cue a huge and prolonged rant from him at me in the street in front of kids and loads of people. So cringe. Lots of shouting about it always being about the kids and he wants to do what he wants to do on his birthday! So awful :( so embarrassing. I was so shocked and taken aback by his outburst.

He then says right let's look at shops then and stormed down the high street with us trailing behind. We didn't go into any shops and eventually got to the nice food place and he said no he didn't want to go in as it's spoiled so we went to a pizza place instead and ate in virtual silence.

Got home had a bit of a row (again) and basically he says I'm thoughtless and only care about the kids and he wanted one day for himself. I think he is being really childish and immature.

Now he's sulking and acting wounded like such a martyr that I feel guilty even though he overreacted and caused the whole nonsense!

Is it just me or is it him? I'm so confused I feel like I did something so awful and ruined his birthday - that is how he is acting :(

Ps he does have form for doing this kind of thing and it's always because I've done something 'thoughtless'

Andsbk, are you the DH here?

So I have failed at the grey rock. I saw the light on in our bedroom and knocked and went in. I just wanted to see if he was in a better state of mind as I will be leaving the kids in his care tomorrow.

He was reading - I was nice and said I was coming to see how we was and he just looked at me and turned the light off and got under the covers. I left quietly then.

I shouldn't have done this I know. This means he is really really cross and is massively blaming me for today. I feel awful and desperate and this is what he does every time.

I won't be able to bear it if he starts blaming me and bringing his late parents into it. I'm bracing myself for the accusations of being cold and thoughtless and ruining his day.

I've got the F.O.G. ;(

How the hell do you not see he’s manipulating you? He knows he was in the wrong yesterday and instead of apologising he’s ignoring you and making out it’s all your fault and what’s worse is you’re letting him do it? Like woman find your bloody anger! Why are you knocking on your own bedroom door? Walking on eggshells in the bloody house you pay for? He’s a massive leech and he knows how to play you so you’ll always go running after him trying not to rock the boat. If he gave a fuck about you or your kids he would grow up and get a job and help with this massive amount of debt you’re in. Also yes he’s had a shit childhood and now he’s doing the same to his kids? If you can’t leave for yourself bloody leave for your children because they deserve a whole lot better than this. Do you want your daughter to be in this position when she’s older? Or better yet do you want your son to turn out like his dad? These are the role models you are giving them.

Oh love
You’ll get there. I promise
I have faith in you
It might take a while, but it will be ok

Ok, so you reached out one more time. His answer is clear - he will never act like an adult.
Now lawyer up, Make an exit plan. You deserve better. He is abusive and abandoned you financially by not contributing.

@candymilk he might well be really really cross, but it is not your fault! He is choosing to be, in order to manipulate you further. There is nothing you have done that gives him any justification to be angry. Not during the day out yesterday, not today. He’s totally out of order just pissing off and leaving you to it with DCs, it is all just playing mind games!
The fact that you feel so guilty and can’t see through it is because he has conditioned you with his constant abuse and gaslighting.
Please will you contact Women’s Aid to get some professional input and advice? You will need support to see through the games he’s playing, it seems that you are quite traumatised and your self esteem completely eroded.
Have a look at this page too and you will hopefully see that this really IS abuse:
www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/
Please please get some support in RL, you CAN do this, but I think you could really do with an actual as opposed to virtual handhold...
You will get there!

@SoTiredTonight but I argued with him on his birthday. We did this morning and I was arguing back and that is why he is cross.

He has just made a big thing about coming downstairs past the room I'm sleeping in and into another room, made some noise, lightly banged a few things and doors and has gone back upstairs shutting the door very loudly. Making his presence known.

Ignore the bugger.

It is all about the drama. All about him. Put the blankets over your head and snuggle down. He does not deserve you beside him tonight. Or at all really.

@candymilk, who cares if it was his birthday or any other day? He set up the argument for a start, to then blame you for spoiling ‘his day’? How pathetic for a grown man! Can you not see that he’s behaving like a toddler in a grown up body? He will ALWAYS make everything your fault. And if he was with someone else, then it would be their fault. It’s attention seeking. It’s all about him. And if you read back what you told us he said on your outing, you will see that it is all Me, Me, Me!
I really feel for you, I’ve been there just trying to somehow make everything alright. But it doesn’t work my love. Because it really isn’t about you! You will get to see this and actually believe it, but it’ll take time. Please read about abuse and controlling/coercive behaviour. It will really help you to see what’s happening here!
Sending you a very big hug!

but I argued with him on his birthday

And he argued with you on yours. Why is it one rule for you and one for him?

I hope your poor children are asleep and not listening to that vile man crashing round.
I’m in my sixties now but I can still remember the feelings I had as a child when I could hear my parents fighting when I was in bed. Actually the icy silences were worse.
Just think of how much better your life could be OP, just you and your children.

@MarkingTimeIm59 he keeps doing it. I'm actually pretty scared now. I don't think I will be able to sleep. All I can hear is our bedroom door going then the doors of the room next to me. Back and forth. I'm quite scared. He's trying to unnerve me I know so i have an awful day at work tomorrow.

They are asleep.

Can you lock your door?

Or can you go in and sleep with your daughter?

How bloody dare he disturb your sleep.

Do not engage though sweet. Just do not.

@abitlostandalwayshungry no, no lock but I want the door slightly ajar so I can hear the children if I need to. I also want to keep an ear out for what he might be doing and where he is.

He's abusing you.

Please seek legal advice asap

Ffs what are you doing OP?

Protect your fucking children. Stop the "woe is me I ruined his birthday" shite.you know you didn't. You know he is abusive. You just said to a previous poster you know its not good enough....so what the uttering fuck are you doing?

You know this is not normal
You don't have to live like this!!

Maybe put a towel or something on the floor inside the door. If he pushes or open, it'll get stuck. Most likely he'll walk into it and exclaim this allowing you to his presence...?

Also, if you're staying awake, get reading. The Parent advice book discusses how we regress when we got an issue in our adult lives and react like our child versions. Thereby literally repeating our childhood issues (DP) unless we are aware of them and actively work to do differently (you).

OP get reading. As you plan your effort, figure out your mind space.

Patrica Evans book The Verbally Abusive Relationship

Lundy Bancroft's book 'Why Does He Do That? docdro.id/py03

The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did) by. Philippa Perry

It'll be a good eye-opener to these sorts of behaviours!

For assertiveness:

When I Say No, I Feel Guilty: How to Cope, Using the Skills of Systematic Assertive Therapy www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0553263900/ref=cm_sw_r_other_apa_i_uRXgEbTGJF179?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

On how to change how you speak with and respond to him:

Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1847941494/ref=cm_sw_r_other_apa_i_HSXgEbDGGKQCE?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Grey Rock Method
www.aconsciousrethink.com/6158/gray-rock-method-dealing-narcissist/

I'd recommend Kindle versions so he doesn't know you're reading them. Plus incognito tabs for your search history.

Good Luck!

Oh my. I really hope you manage to get some sleep tonight

This is all completely and utterly out of order and and he seems to be escalating ?
At least he certainly not calming down much is he
this is definitely abuse you should keep a very detailed log of everything that he does because you will need it to build a case against him after you leave him, make sure you get everything organised out of his sight so that he is blindsided completely

Whatever you do. Stay calm.
Whilst your at work tomorrow start working out help.
Do not give him any indication you are feeling like this.
Change all your passwords
Do not use an family computer

wow! trying not to sound harsh here but, is your husband under 18 years old?.....regardless of the fact that it was HIS birthday {so what? he's not 8 years old /he's an adult!/a husband!!/a FATHER now ffs!!!!)....
he (and not his kids!) threw the nuclear bomb tantrum that ruined HIS (awwwwwwww!😢😭!!...poor him!) "special" day!!
my worry is that this is going to show up as dyed in the wool habitual behaviour from him. i fear it will repeat and repeat and repeat throughout your marriage and your parenting....i fear you will be damaged by it in untold internal emotional cerebral cognitive ways which will affect you as YOU, you as a MOTHER, you as a wife....and especially will affect your children's burgeoning confidence to thrive, their understanding of what they're supposedly expected to grow into and become.....i fear you could end up being blamed for their dad's crap because you didn't call him out on it! i know I'm sounding a bit like the prophet of doom here pontificating like the ghost of Christmas future about what it could end up as, but really......can you be a single parent to your HUSBAND as well as your true children that need you to step up on their behalf and do right, BE right, for RIGHTS SAKE?
....I'm posting this with love and recognition that you're in a horrible position here that you obviously didn't knowingly sign up for....i hope though that as you read all the heartfelt advice being offered here that what you wholeheartedly get from it is that YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS!....you've got literally a million ears to bend, shoulders to lean/cry on, and as many again hearts sharing in your problem and your path out of them. 💐