What do you do when someone you adored gets back in touch randomly?!

[MustardScreams]

Backstory: guy I’ve known for 14 years. Always had a spark, but never the right time. Cliche!

We lost touch a couple of years ago. I think he blocked me! I’m guessing he met someone and didn’t know how to tell me.

He’s messaged tonight saying he wants to go for a drink tomorrow. Now, usually I would ABSOLUTELY say “not a chance son, you’re a twat.” But he’s not. And I miss him. And I want to know what happened!!

Excellent OP.
Finally a thread that may have a happy ending.
YEAH!
Take it slowly but enjoy it!

@Apileofballyhoo but that can happen in any relationship, there are no guarantees.

It’s not like we’d made it 100% official that he was definitely moving back and we’d be together. It was talked about, sure. But we were still very much single. He wouldn’t have held it against me if I had met someone who turned out to be horrifically abusive and I blocked him to protect myself.

Did he apologise OP?

I had the same pretty much happen to me years ago. Very close to a guy I could have called my best friend (college at the time). Leaned on each other for everything, I could trust him with my life. Then one day he snapped at me for no reason and cut all contact. Moved classes. I was absolutely devastated and it stung years lasted, such a sad situation.

He contacted me years later when he was engaged and I was settled with DD. Said he wanted to meet all of a sudden to explain.

Turns out he was in love with me (at the time) and because I was unavailable he couldn’t deal with it and he made a cowardly action and hurt me for it. I had NO idea. He was deeply apologetic and said he couldn’t carry on his life knowing that he owed me an explanation.

I forgave and we had a lovely catch up and even though he was a shit at the time, I thought it very noble of him.

I’m glad you have him the chance Op, we never know what’s happening behind closed doors

Yes. As soon as I sat down he said “I have got to apologise for what happened”.

He’s not evil, he hasn’t come back to fuck with my head, he doesn’t just want to fuck.

He’s had a really horrendous 18 months and he needs support and kindness. I can supply a portion of that, and he has his friends and family around to do the rest. He knows I have dd, work full time, have a house to maintain. He’s not asking me for anything more than I want to give.

I'd be cool and casual about it but must admit I would probably want to see him if only to see if the 'spark' was still there. I'd say I'm not sure about tomorrow or whenever he suggested but maybe some other time. Then when the date is made I would arrive very confident and look as though I have a fulfilling life (even if I don't).

Oh, just seen your update.

He chose the other person before. Don’t let yourself just be a comfy fall back. He could spend time with you and feel all healed by your kindness and affection and then choose someone else again.

Hope it works out for you, but protect yourself.

I had this a few years ago! It felt good writing back "how nice to hear from you! Sorry I can't do tomorrow night, I had a baby two weeks ago".

But why would that be a thing? He’s known me since I was 17, he knows my foibles and quirks. If he didn’t want to start anything he would have just said that. He not using me as some form of therapy before he moves onto other things.

He could easily have not got in touch and I’d be none the wiser. He has no social media for obvious reasons, so unless I bumped into him he could have kept quiet. But he wanted to apologise to me, and he’s probably grow his support network. I’d do the same!

We’ve known each other for so long there is no bullshit. I’ve said to him if we give this a go then it’s all in. I’m not just going to fuck his pain away. Which is why we’re not jumping to it immediately.

Eeee. When he ghosted you with no explanation I thought 'narcissist'. And then I thought, what excuse would a narcissist give for ghosting for years? Hmmm...he'd blame the woman he was seeing, probably say she was nuts and jealous. And yeah, suprise surprise: your guy has done that.

Sorry but, I don't believe him. And you can know a narcissist for years and think they are a great person - because you aren't their primary supply. They can be lovely to many people and yet, treat their partner or just one person like shit.

If he was your friend for 14 years and normal, he would have at least had the respect to say to you 'I'm sorry I have to cut contact because I don't feel this friendship is appropriate now i am in a relationship' before vanishing of the face of the earth.

He is dodgy with a capital D op. I echo other posters, be very careful. I know you want to give the benefit of the doubt though so - know your red flags and look out for them. Closely.

He not using me as some form of therapy before he moves onto other things.

I bet your attention and immediate agreement to see him and immediate acceptance of his apology is a handy confidence boost though.

he needs support and kindness. I can supply a portion of that

Exactly what the more negative people are pointing out to you. Using you to boost himself back up. When he didn’t need something from you, you were blocked.

It’s very “oh my relationship ended who can I turn to for some affection oh I know I’ll message mustard yay she replied excellent oh yes yes if we give it a go I’m all in” fast fast fast zoom zoom zoom. A friend gets in touch after an “abusive” relationship and your already talking to him about going all in?

It’s bonkers 😂

Look I know he was the victim in the relationship, he has concrete evidence.

Do you really think I’d be as stupid to start things up with a guy I thought had potential for domestic violence or abuse?! Do you really think I’d subject my daughter to that?!

Fucking hell, give me some credit.

Yeah op, sorry but the credit we would give is obviously going to be minimalised by the fact youve decided to go 'all in' with someone who JUST got back in touch with you, after totally ghosting you for years even though he was supposedly a close friend at the time.

Doesn't sound like your picker is great.

That being said, you may know him better than us. But sometimes when you like someone, you can't see the wood for the trees. We are all just telling you what we can from what youve told us. Without the bias of having affection for the guy, we can be harder on him.

He might be a lovely fella who made a mistake. Or he might not be. Just, keep your eyes peeled just in case. Hope for the best, plan for the worst.

I just don't see how you're 100% single while talking about moving to a place and getting together with a person there. I don't understand how he got together with this other woman. Unless he never meant a word of moving to be near you/didn't take it seriously at all, in which case why say it? Why discuss it? What's the point?

Wait so he slept over??

I think a lot of the concern stems from the fact he's come back and you instantly met up with him and now seemed to have made him a priority.

If I'm correct (can't be bothered to look back) less than a week since he contacted you and you've seen him three times. Regardless of what you say that's prioritising him very highly.

I hope it works out for you but I can't help but feel you should be applying some caution.

I've never known Mumsnet to be wrong.

Have you been living under a rock?!

Best of luck OP, I hope it works out well for you, you sound perfectly sensible btw!

Sounds like you are just going to rush into something with this guy despite your protests. Hopefully he doesn't disappear/mess you about agaib

*again.

@rosajosephine is be the exact same with any of my friends if they’d had a horrific time. It’s what friends do!

No he hasn’t slept over

This thread is fucking crazy.
People jumping to all sorts of weird and wonderful conclusions.
Making up shit to get to a 'fuck him off' end.

It sounds lovely OP.
Ignore the weirdo's!

He's very keen to see you lots all of a sudden. It's like he's clicked his fingers and you went running and are now boosting his ego with lots of attention and being readily available.

I had a best friend like this from my teenage years. He broke my heart so badly it took me years to fully recover. It was fate etc. No, it was love bombing from someone very damaged who I loved dearly. Which is why it hurt all the more.

But you'll take no notice of us on here anyway 🤷🏼‍♀️

I had a friend - work colleague really- who came back into my life after an abusive relationship. I'd just been out of one too and it just felt good to hang out with someone who got the fuckery you yourself went through.

After a few months, things progressed to casual dating, then serious dating and...well, 15 years on things have remained brilliant, we've a kid, own our own home and have a wedding looming.

What made us work was that we agreed we would never play emotional games, we would always be respectful and honest with each other, and if something was bothering one of us, it was ok to vocalise it. And it's been pretty harmonious based on that.

So go for it. Be mindful of your heart, be mindful of his, have fun and see where it leads. It might fizzle out after a hot start, or it might be the slow burn of something great. You won't know until you try

But this isn't a platonic friendship is it 🤦🏽‍♀️ kind of changes things don't you think? Neither is it someone who's supported you through the ups and downs of life. From your own posts you didn't even speak that often. But tbh you've contradicted yourself so much it's hard to tell.

Look forward to your six month update -wish it was 3- good luck OP