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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do you do when someone you adored gets back in touch randomly?!

280 replies

MustardScreams · 11/01/2020 22:46

Backstory: guy I’ve known for 14 years. Always had a spark, but never the right time. Cliche!

We lost touch a couple of years ago. I think he blocked me! I’m guessing he met someone and didn’t know how to tell me.

He’s messaged tonight saying he wants to go for a drink tomorrow. Now, usually I would ABSOLUTELY say “not a chance son, you’re a twat.” But he’s not. And I miss him. And I want to know what happened!!

OP posts:
category12 · 13/01/2020 20:33

I think the key thing for me is that with all your history and you two heading towards dating (your words) ultimately (whether she was abusive or not) he picked someone else.

This.

toomanyleggings · 13/01/2020 20:36

My gran once told me 'never feel sorry for a man. It'll get you nowhere'. Nothing I have ever seen ( and I deal with women's relationships all the time as part of my job) or experienced over the years suggests she was wrong when it comes to dating.

rosajosephine · 13/01/2020 20:40

He dropped you for her though, can you not see that? Abusive or not he chose to get involved with her whilst you two were getting closer. You two had loads of history. But he chose her.

He wasn't into you enough to chose you. You say you adored him, he knows that and that's why he contacted you, knowing you would come running.

Original poster
MustardScreams · 13/01/2020 20:47

We were living 5 hours apart, I was seeing other people. He was single and allowed to date! Nothing was going to happen till he moved anyway.

OP posts:
SlightlySleepy · 14/01/2020 08:25

OP, I think other people are being overly cautious. I bet if any of us laid out all the details of our friendships, the good and bad bits, posters would be screaming "run for the hills". We all make bad decisions, sometimes are unkind to our friends, and choose the wrong person to date. Don't write off a friendship and a possible date just yet. It'd be worse spending the rest of your life thinking 'what if?'

Original poster
MustardScreams · 14/01/2020 09:20

@SlightlySleepy thanks!

I do understand what people are saying, and I’d probably be giving similar advice tbh. But they don’t know him like I do (I know that’s said all the time!) and I have nothing to fear

We’re just meeting for coffee etc and catching up again. It’s nice!

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 14/01/2020 09:47

Well I'm glad you are there for him when he needs you.
That is what friends do.
If this was a female friend of yours OP, the responses would be very very different!
Be there for him and enjoy his company and what ever happens from there is up to the 2 of you!!
No-one else!

FramingDevice · 14/01/2020 09:58

@hellsbellsmelons, unless the OP were bi or lesbian, she would be highly unlikely to have had a same-sex friendship involving mutual attraction and to have been about to start a romantic relationship with the female friend who then blocked her for two years while seeing someone else, before bobbing up again and asking her to go for a drink out of the blue.

WhatsInAName19 · 14/01/2020 10:21

Have a think about whether this thread is helpful to you, OP. There are an awful lot of posters who seem desperate to convince you that you have no self esteem, can’t trust your own judgement, have made yourself look desperate, and that of course they know better than you. Not sure I would find it helpful to keep being told all of that by randoms on the internet.
At the end of the day, none of us (probably you included right now) know what this guy’s intentions are. Yes maybe he is a fuckboy who just fancies a shag and thinks he can click his fingers. Or maybe he’s telling the truth! There is no evidence that he’s lying in any of your posts, and PPs are just projecting their own judgements onto the situation. Sometimes when you read an OP, there is so much detail that it’s very clear what’s going on. In this case, there is absolutely no proof that he is playing anyone.
It sounds very plausible to me that he was unsure of where the two of you were going after years of will they/won’t they, met someone who he could see a future with, moved abroad with them (if I have understood that part correctly), that relationship became abusive and he was forced to cut contact with you. Now he’s broken away from the abusive relationship and moved back to his home country he has contacted someone who he has a very longstanding friendship with because he has probably got very little in the way of a support network and he values you. Not sure why that’s not every bit as believable as “just wants a shag”.
Do what feels right to you OP. You know him, after all. Ignore all the spiteful judgement about how pathetic or desperate you are (you’re not) and just be sensible and observant as you would in any relationship or friendship.

Original poster
MustardScreams · 14/01/2020 11:15

@WhatsInAName19 you’ve basically perfectly explained the situation! Thank you.

Internet strangers don’t bother me in the slightest. But I will come back in 6 months and update people on the situation. See if I have been taken for a mug.

OP posts:
SlightlySleepy · 14/01/2020 14:15

Make sure you do! I want to know how this ends Grin

Original poster
MustardScreams · 14/01/2020 14:41

Well we just had lunch together in our breaks, and he’s coming over for dinner tomorrow so.

Hoping he’s not a total bellend!

OP posts:
Frouby · 14/01/2020 14:46

This is lovely OP.

Longblondeandblueeyes · 14/01/2020 14:49

He’s never, ever given me any reason to think he’s anything other than a good person

What? He let you think that he was moving to your town, and that when he did you would start dating....at the same time that he was seeing another woman.

And, after 14 years of friendship, he blocked you at her request. For the past 2 years he hasn't known whether you were alive or dead!

Be prepared to be dropped and ghosted again.....it's his MO.

Longblondeandblueeyes · 14/01/2020 14:50

And here you are, cooking for him already. Oh dear. I guess you're paying as well.

cantmovewont · 14/01/2020 14:55

My friend spent her teenage years being best friends with a 'lovely' guy - so much so that she moved in with his parents and lived with him and them when her mum kicked her out. Forward 15 years and he was charged with downloading indecent images of children. Yes 'lovely' - you can't always KNOW what's going in inside a persons head.

I wish for you that all is as it seems, but when it comes down to it, I've never known Mumsnet to be wrong. Sucks, I know. Please take care of yourself.

toomanyleggings · 14/01/2020 15:03

You've given up how much of your time now this week to someone who ditched you? You've invited him over and you're cooking? Nice cheap date for him with a quick hop, skip and a jump to the bedroom...Has he paid on your so called 'dates' yet? Bought you so much as a drink? Done anything to deserve your time? He must think you're a total numpty. I need to stop looking at this thread because it's so cringeworthy

AllHeart1 · 14/01/2020 15:06

I doubt that anyone would be questioning whether a woman had been in an abusive relationship meaning she had to drop friends..

OP, a lot of projection on this thread. Personally I had a similar situation except there were no romantic feelings. A long-standing friend got married and suddenly, out of nowhere I stopped hearing from him. At all. I was more baffled by it because although we weren’t in each other’s pockets we had fairly frequent contact and then nothing.

I put it down to the fact he was newly married and probably busy. But then around three years later I heard from him that he was getting divorced. We met up again and it transpired that she had been abusive. I can’t go into detail because it’s potentially outing but there were even suspicions that she may have tampered with medication he was on etc. He has a long-term illness, and she claimed it was so bad he was incapable of doing anything. When friends rang they were told he wasn’t able to come to the phone because he was too tired, when actually he had no idea anyone had even called. While married to her he had no energy or stamina and once he got divorced everything changed for him on that score.

She always picks her men. Always men with a bit of cash- not loaded but enough that she can skim off for herself, and with something wrong with them. The one she moved on to after him had cancer. Shock.

Anyway that was about fifteen years ago and we have remained in touch ever since - in fact he is one of my closest friends although there never has been any inclination towards anything more.

The only thing I would say here is to guard your heart. Some friendships are not worth rocking the boat over. And if you have previously been such good friends and he has thought of you as being the one to contact, then it’s possible that friendship is realistically all that is on the agenda, because if a romance goes wrong then the friendship is usually lost.

In the past I’ve had friends who I had feelings for, but the friendship was too important to me to ever explore those. So do ask yourself whether only friendship will be enough and if not whether you should be opening yourself up to potentially getting hurt if that’s all he sees.

Original poster
MustardScreams · 14/01/2020 15:29

He’s cooking ffs people 😂 I am merely providing the excellent conversation and my kitchen.

He is a lovely guy, I don’t routinely stay friends with people for almost half my life if they’re not.

He wasn’t allowed to contact me, our friendship was a huge issue in his previous relationship and caused a lot of the arguments. I for one would rather he blocked me to protect himself.

OP posts:
yellowallpaper · 14/01/2020 16:04

What an awful lot of negativity here, and very few actually reading what @MustardScreams is actually writing!

If you've known someone for years and have trust in them, if their story of being denied contact with old friends and isolating them appears true and they simply want to reconnect with you, then trust your instincts and your previous relationship with them.

As a sensible adult I think you are capable OP of making the right decision

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 14/01/2020 22:10

Wishing you the best of luck. Don't move too quickly or make yourself too available

Apileofballyhoo · 14/01/2020 22:39

I still think it's strange that he was going to move to your area and you ans he were going to try dating when he started seeing someone else. It just seems strange that he and you had a plan and then he got involved with someone else and didn't tell you, even at the very beginning. Or that this moving and dating plan was discussed but you were only in touch every 3-4 months? It seems odd to me.

Original poster
MustardScreams · 15/01/2020 08:29

Well it happened. And he’s home now, so really what does it matter?

We’re not going to get married and move in together within months. I have dd to consider and she comes first. So I’ll keep seeing him whilst she’s at her dad’s and in our working day and go from there.

I’d be lying if I didn’t say I hope things progress. But! I’m not going to fall madly in love with him in weeks and risk the life I built for dd and I.

OP posts:
Inappropriatefemale · 15/01/2020 08:31

I hope it all works out for you and if anything does eventually happen with you’s then it may well be long lasting due to the fact you have been friends for years.

Good luck Smile

Apileofballyhoo · 15/01/2020 09:42

I'd be wary that he might meet someone else. It's not so much the ghosting, it's the idea that he was talking about moving to where you are and the two of you getting together when he met someone he preferred. I would find that very hurtful and hard to understand.

Although if you were only in touch a few times a year I suppose it wasn't really a serious idea. It's hard to tell from your posts.

I'd just be wary of how serious he is about you.