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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do you do when someone you adored gets back in touch randomly?!

280 replies

MustardScreams · 11/01/2020 22:46

Backstory: guy I’ve known for 14 years. Always had a spark, but never the right time. Cliche!

We lost touch a couple of years ago. I think he blocked me! I’m guessing he met someone and didn’t know how to tell me.

He’s messaged tonight saying he wants to go for a drink tomorrow. Now, usually I would ABSOLUTELY say “not a chance son, you’re a twat.” But he’s not. And I miss him. And I want to know what happened!!

OP posts:
Helloitsmemargaret · 16/01/2020 06:00

Really hope it all works out @MustardScreams - in life you have to take a chance and trust your own judgement. Do the sensible Mumsnet thing of protecting yourself financially and keeping all your close relationships intact but if you don't try you'll never know. Look forward to 6 month update, whatever happens I'm absolutely sure you'll be ok.

Blahblahblah12345 · 16/01/2020 07:06

Wow!! People are really shocking me with their attitude to domestic abuse to men. Is it only women it can happen to? I didn't realise. 😕😕 this is probably why a lot of men don't speak up because of attitudes like this!!

OP you have known this bloke a long time. You would know if he was lying I'm sure. Its not as if you had a date with him once years ago and know he has just got back in touch again and telling you all this. You do what you feel is right.

userxx · 16/01/2020 07:16

@Blahblahblah12345 It's sad isn't it. One of friends has just ended a relationship with a horribly controlling woman, he's like a new man, it's lovely to see, the poor sod had been walking on eggshells for 8 years.

Original poster
MustardScreams · 16/01/2020 08:48

Yeah I’m pretty sure the advice wouldn’t be similar if I was a guy asking about a women that had been abused.

Anyway we had a lovely evening, met my friend and her partner for a drink in our local and then came back and he cooked dinner.

We didn’t fuck and he didn’t stay over!

OP posts:
baubled · 16/01/2020 09:34

The replies to this thread are shocking! Of course you all know better than the OP Hmm

DrivingMsCrazy · 16/01/2020 09:38

I hope he's planning to seek proper professional help for dealing with the situation OP. If it's been as bad as he's saying, he will likely have some form of ptsd and will need therapy to sort it all out in his head.
He cannot and should not rely on just you or his other friends to prop him up as (unless qualified) none of you have the skills to guide him through this process. He will be mentally healthier and able to move on if he seeks advice.

Original poster
MustardScreams · 16/01/2020 09:57

We spoke about a lot last night. He is really struggling with what happened, and he knows a relationship now isn’t the best idea. So that is on hold indefinitely.

He’s having abuse-specific counselling already. He feels comfortable and safe with me because we’ve known each other for so long. So if he needs to have lunch, or dinner, or call me at 2am that is fine. There’s no pressure and he can be who he is right now. Which is a bit of a mess. I’d be fucking hideous if I abandoned him. And he would do the exact same for me.

OP posts:
Longblondeandblueeyes · 16/01/2020 10:13

I’d be fucking hideous if I abandoned him. And he would do the exact same for me

Except he did abandon you for 2 years. Literally anything could have happened to you in that time, and he wasn't there for you. You could have been raped, had cancer, lost a loved one.....he simply was not there....please don't lose sight of that.

Doesn't every guy have a crazy Ex?.....until you find out that she wasn't. You only have his side of the story. And let's face it, he had to come up with a real hum dinger of a story to reel you back after 2 years of abandonment, and it's worked for him, hasn't it?

I know you want to believe him, but my advice would be to proceed with caution, and internally question anything he says.

Don't forget also, you've not even shagged this dude yet. He could have ED, PE, or a micro penis....

Sunsetsandmoons · 16/01/2020 10:16

How do you feel about the fact he doesn’t want a relationship? Did you want one with him?

Original poster
MustardScreams · 16/01/2020 10:30

He is my friend first and foremost. I don’t give a stuff about a relationship when he is so clearly hurting. I want him to be whole and happy and healthy.

He didn’t abandon me Hmm He was in an abusive relationship! Why does everyone keep losing sight of this?! How many women aren’t allowed contact with friends? And why is it so hard for people to get this? Men can be victims too. And if one more person tells me he’s made it up or he’s doing it for attention I might scream.

I’ve been friends with him for 14 years, of course I’ve seen his dick before. We were both drunk 18 year olds at one point Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
MustardScreams · 16/01/2020 10:36

I’ve said already he’s got absolute evidence of what happened to him. I don't need to question him even slightly.

OP posts:
MadameButterface · 16/01/2020 10:58

Hmm

“ I’ve said to him if we give this a go then it’s all in.”

“ He is my friend first and foremost. I don’t give a stuff about a relationship when he is so clearly hurting”

It sounds like you’re not clear on whether you want a relationship or not op. Are you being honest with yourself? Because it sounds like you’re dangling away waiting for him to say the word - just like last time in fact. He is allowed to protect himself from hurt but so are you you know.

Original poster
MustardScreams · 16/01/2020 11:00

I do want to be with him, but that’s not what he needs right now. Anyone with an ounce of compassion would understand that being a friend and not pushing for anything else is right in this situation.

I am fine! I’m not hanging around waiting for him to suddenly be better and fall in love with me. I have a wonderful life, and him being back doesn’t change anything.

OP posts:
Urkiddingright · 16/01/2020 11:14

I would ignore him, gain some self esteem and find a decent man who actually wanted me from the start.

This guy just picks you up and drops you when it suits him. Blocking you for two years then getting back in touch because his relationship has gone sour? No thanks.

MadameButterface · 16/01/2020 11:15

Well i wish i had a quid for every guy out there that has managed to create a situation with a woman where he gets the full ‘girlfriend experience’ which mimics exactly a committed relationship - endless emotional support, full monogamous commitment (on her side), someone to go on dates with and fuck as and when - while managing to be very clear that, while what they share is SO special and SO unique, and omg i have never had such a profound connection with anyone before etc etc, they are not and never have been in a committed relationship and he’s free to pick up, fuck off and please himself any time he jolly well likes, and that’s all i have to say about that. Mind how you go op

Original poster
MustardScreams · 16/01/2020 11:23

@Urkiddingright relationship had gone sour?! I hope you never have contact with anyone that has been in an abusive relationship because that is a disgusting attitude to have.

OP posts:
Inappropriatefemale · 16/01/2020 11:48

OP I think that he maybe just sees you as a friend and this is why he chose the other woman over you effectively and I know that will hurt.

It’s great that your friends just now and by all means be there for him, but the fact you would like to be with him is a bit sad because like I said he did choose someone over you really and whether she was abusive or not then she probably wasn’t abusive in an obvious way immediately, therefore I can’t think why he couldn’t have just sent you a message saying that he was in a new relationship!

He won’t be ready for anything for at least a year I would say so yeah, just keep being his pal and it can’t go wrong, you sound like you have your head screwed on though!

toomanyleggings · 16/01/2020 11:59

There's no reasoning with the op. He's issued his disclaimer which gives him licence to do whatever he likes and op has fallen for it. You can't argue with pick me girls and doormats. Most women start to get a clue in their late twenties about men but some of them never learn and spend their whole lives letting men treat their lives like revolving doors.
I love this woman's take on the situation m.youtube.com/watch?v=P9ZWtihL-Jc

Original poster
MustardScreams · 16/01/2020 12:05

Doormat. Nice. At least I don’t spend my life dragging other women down when I don’t agree with them. I’d much rather that tbh!

OP posts:
Inappropriatefemale · 16/01/2020 12:11

I don’t think your a doormat but I just don’t want you to get hurt but I don’t think your daft.

FramingDevice · 16/01/2020 12:17

You're using his abusive relationship as a sort of alibi for him ditching you and blocking you in the first place, and for getting back in touch with you out of the blue, requiring all your support and attention, but keeping his options open because he's 'not ready;.

Before too long, you'll probably be having healing, giving, generous sex with him to improve his self-esteem and help him move on, because you're enjoying the feeling of being his rescuer, and that there's a reason that he dumped you. Unfortunately, when anyone starts to regard you as their therapist/shoulder to cry on/helper/faithful friend/Mummy-substitute, they almost invariably move on as soon as you've repaired their self-esteem.

Original poster
MustardScreams · 16/01/2020 12:22

Eurghhhh maybe I am being a total fool. I just hurt when I think about what happened to him, and I want him to feel secure again.

I certainly don’t want to be his crutch until he’s fine and he fucks off with someone else. I was so certain I was doing the right thing and that’s a horrible thought.

OP posts:
Inappropriatefemale · 16/01/2020 12:25

Yeah I agree with @FramingDevice in that once a person has ‘helped’ another person heal etc then now that said person won’t stay with you and appreciate all that you did for them, you would think it works out that they see how wonderful you are but it doesn’t.

OP I bet you wish you didn’t post here now!Grin

Inappropriatefemale · 16/01/2020 12:26

OP just don’t let him know how you feel about him now, by all means let him know that he hurt you and abusive relationship or not then I bet it wasn’t like that immediately, he is probably embarrassed that he treated you like shit and so he should be!

Honeyroar · 16/01/2020 12:30

You’re not being a fool for trying but don’t assume that just because you were good friends in the past that you can bypass the initial slow stages of getting to know each other as potential partners. It’s different- doesn’t always work in both senses. And take the abusive ex issue out of the equation- you’re not fixing him, he has to be ready to move on.. Just keep your sensible head on!