What do you do when someone you adored gets back in touch randomly?!

[MustardScreams]

Backstory: guy I’ve known for 14 years. Always had a spark, but never the right time. Cliche!

We lost touch a couple of years ago. I think he blocked me! I’m guessing he met someone and didn’t know how to tell me.

He’s messaged tonight saying he wants to go for a drink tomorrow. Now, usually I would ABSOLUTELY say “not a chance son, you’re a twat.” But he’s not. And I miss him. And I want to know what happened!!

I would have gone too in your place OP. Im sorry your friend went through that. Hope he's healing now.

I think a lot of people on here will be skeptical having had their own bad experiences in the past. But only you know your friend, only you know if you can trust him.

Having recently attended the funeral of a male friend (and ex) who commited suicide due to the sustained abuse from his wife whilst none of us had a clue as he wasn't allowed to see us and didn't feel he could tell anyone by text what was going on, my eyes are wide-open to abuse in all forms now. I wish he'd reached out before it was too late.

It sounds like you may be the best thing for him right now. You've known him a long time and he has sought you out after this time because he missed you.

Whilst I agree with those saying be careful, you sound like you have your head screwed on and aren't about to become his rebound. He is probably so happy to have his old friend back x

I don't get how you considered you were good friends with this guy and yet knew nothing about this relationship. Just how fast did she stop him having female friends? I mean, there you are thinking your friendship is going somewhere, and out of the blue, blocked. Never heard of this woman, never knew he'd started a relationship?

Agree with @category12

It’s very convenient that his reason for blocking and ghosting you is something that would earn him sympathy, override your feelings of being hurt about the blocking, and it even makes it so he could conveniently turn round and make you the bad guy if you expressed any disbelief about it.

And he’s setting himself up nicely if/when you do get together because you’ll be there to nurse him back to full strength, do most of the emotional labour, and he has a ready made excuse for any nastiness or disappearing acts in the future.

I’d bet the real story is that his relationship broke down and he had to move out, his parents have let him move back in with them for a bit, and he’s messaged anyone female he knows locally who will help him lick his wounds and give him sympathy.

God some very negative things here.

I know him. He is not like that at all. I understand people are saying be wary to protect myself, but I’m not going to jump straight into anything with him.

He lived the other side of the country, we both have v busy lives and weren’t in contact constantly. Could easily go 3/4 months before catching up. Same with any friends that you don’t live near to! I only realised I couldn’t get in touch when I tried to wish him happy birthday.

@RightEarlobeBreath there's none so deaf as those who won't hear. Op is quite deluded

How can someone say I’m deluded when they’ve never met the person?!

I’m an adult and not a stupid one, I know the signs and wouldn’t ever put myself in a position to be abused. And he’s not like that anyway! He’s a good person. I’m friends with one of his exes, and I’d know if he was abusive to her.

Some great advice among some self riteous nastiness!!
Good luck OP, glad your friend is out of his abusive relationship and have fun reconnecting x

I am with category12 and aroundtheworldyet, i think there’s something off here. It’s not clear either what happened wrt how come you thought you were about to get involved romantically but he had this whole relationship you knew nothing about. At the very least he has form for leading women up the garden path. He may well also have been in a toxic relationship. Bad things happen sometimes but it doesn’t render the people they happen to saints.

If this was a tinder date I’d be running far away!

But it’s not. I spent my teenage years with him. He was going to move back to my city and we were going to date and see what happened. But he met someone else, and obviously that didn’t work out.

I’m not worried in the slightest. And going to have coffee with him in a bit.

You’ve contradicted yourself so much on this thread OP

Your title says you ‘adored’ him
You’ve said you weren’t dating, but it was going that way
He was your very close friend of 14 years

Now you say you only contacted each other every 3/4 months
He had a gf he never mentioned who was abusive and caused him to block everyone.

You’ll clearly twist yourself in knots to get this guy.

Good luck. I think you’ll need it.

Not really, I was just explaining with more info than in the op.

I still don’t see why everyone is convinced he’s going to be horrific? Because men can be victims? Or what?

*because men can’t

It just doesn't make sense to me that you were talking about him moving to your city and you were going to start dating - yet you went a few months without being in touch and only got in touch with him to say happy birthday. That's just bizarre.

You come across as if you're bursting with relief and nowhere near wary enough of him and his 10 year silence.
You only have his side of the story.
I hope things work out for you but watchout that you're not being a sucker.
Slow right down.

correction... a couple of year's silence.

I’m not wary, because I have no reason to be. He’s never, ever given me any reason to think he’s anything other than a good person. If there was even a hint of him being a knob I’d never even consider it.

OP, just trust your own gut. You know him better than anyone here. Just bear in mind that he could have changed in that time.

Some of the attitudes about male abuse on this thread are awful. It may be less common than abuse to women, but I know several blokes whose wives beat the shit out of them, were really scared, but didn't report as they thought they wouldn't be believed. When someone is whacking you jn the head with a solid object, it doesn't matter if they are smaller and weaker than you - it hurts.

The ignorance about it is dreadful. What happened to we believe you? Does that only apply when it's women?

I bet if it was your friend/brother/son/father being abused that you wouldn't dream of questioning their version of events. Not if it was a woman saying she had been abused.

These men arent some "other", they are people we know. And is much more common than some posters on here seem to think.

He’s never, ever given me any reason to think he’s anything other than a good person.

To be fair OP, we can only respond to what you've told us and you said this before:

Oh he’s definitely a twat and I was furious with him for such a long time. It was a fucking awful way to treat me.

Only you know him of course but people aren't responding randomly, they're doing so from the information available on here.

Regardless I hope whatever happens it turns out well for you!

I think the key thing for me is that with all your history and you two heading towards dating (your words) ultimately (whether she was abusive or not) he picked someone else.

Now that's over and he's summoned you and you went running.

Personally I would just ignore him OP. He doesnt deserve your time.

How usual is it to message the opposite sex and say you’ve been abused?

Most people would be appalled but supportive. They would however naturally draw back from any kind of intimate relationship. Make sure that’s you.

Good luck .. you never know .

He hasn’t summoned me. I’m his friend and he went through something absolutely horrific, I wouldn’t be much of a friend if I just told him to do one!