What do you do when someone you adored gets back in touch randomly?!

[MustardScreams]

Backstory: guy I’ve known for 14 years. Always had a spark, but never the right time. Cliche!

We lost touch a couple of years ago. I think he blocked me! I’m guessing he met someone and didn’t know how to tell me.

He’s messaged tonight saying he wants to go for a drink tomorrow. Now, usually I would ABSOLUTELY say “not a chance son, you’re a twat.” But he’s not. And I miss him. And I want to know what happened!!

Some absolute arseholes on this thread. Just because it's a man who has suffered domestic abuse he must be lying. WTAF. I think you're lovely to want to support your friend OP. I hope it ends well for you.

@onanothertrain Shocking double standards, a woman comes on her saying she's in an abusive relationship and everyone oooo's and ahhh's, a bloke in that situation must be lying. No wonder they stay quiet.

I think it's really difficult when you post on a forum, and don't get the replies you'd like.

The thing is, that things can often be seen much clearer when you aren't in the situation yourself.

Also, the older we get (us ladies), the more shit situations we've been in, the more we've seen friends get played, we've dated more men, and dealt with more shit.

I would have believed almost anything in my 20's and 30's. I'm now 50 (just) and am super cynical (despite being happily married), and feel that I can call things out, that my 30 year old self would have made excuses for.

So, sorry Op, if I (and others) aren't saying what you want to hear.

My honest thoughts here are:

1. If he was truly interested in you romantically, you would have dated before now. So far, he's let 14 years go by and he's made no attempt to snap you up.

1. You say you've seen the proof of him being abused. You think you have....what have you actually seen? Bruises? I was joining the Police at the time that I split from my Ex. I was covered in bruises from the training and I took photo's of them....I could have easily lied and said that they were from my Ex. Not saying he's lying....but proceed with caution.

1. He dropped you for 2 years ....no excuse in my book. It's not the same as a man controlling a woman. A woman is physically weaker and may fear for her safety by disobeying. I take it your friend isn't 4 ft 5, and his Partner 6 ft 3?

1. You are trying to rescue him and are hoping for a relationship. He's told you he doesn't want a relationship. I think this will translate into, let's have sex with no commitment or labels. Win-Win for him.

Hope I'm wrong for your sake.

Btw, very weird you've seen each other naked if you're just friends? I've got male friends and I've never seen their knobs.

Anyway. Proceed. With. Lots. Of. Caution.

Keep looking for red flags.

I certainly don’t want to be his crutch until he’s fine and he fucks off with someone else

Then shouldn't you cool it a little with the rescue service you're providing?

He wouldn't do the same for you though... because he blocked you.
And you say that you have a great life and your not waiting for him to want you but you replied to his text after two years so quickly.

And all this I'm here as a friends etc that because your only option is to be that. He doesn't and never did want to date you and if he act like he always had feelings - which will come ' it's called a rebound'

This guy is not good for you but I believe your do what you want and then come back here with a NC to get support.
Good luck

I think people are sceptical because it all seems so far-fetched and dramatic. There's an element of: "Phew! He was in an abusiverelationship so he didn't reject me after all!" coming across in your posts.

But I really hope it works out for you OP. Just don't get too hooked on being his confidante and "saving" him.

Shocking double standards, a woman comes on her saying she's in an abusive relationship and everyone oooo's and ahhh's, a bloke in that situation must be lying. No wonder they stay quiet.

Apples and oranges. I guarantee you that if a man posted here about a female friend he had feelings for who has treated him as op’s ‘friend’ has treated her, the advice would be to be cautious and not give more of himself than he could stand to lose a second time.

People can be victims of abuse AND ALSO dysfunctional players who use people and move on. In fact someone suffering from ptsd will behave in similar ways to someone suffering from borderline personality disorder, so much so that people are often misdiagnosed as one or the other. Hurtful behaviour is hurtful behaviour regardless, and it’s the op asking for advice here, not the friend. If someone could get hurt does it matter whether it’s a bus or a train that could hit them?

The two things are not mutually exclusive. All sorts of people end up in bad situations: saints, sinners and everyone in between. Wild concept i know.

Also, be prepared for him not to be able to commit, due to past "trauma" even though magically, the trauma didn't dampen his ability to shag.

There's some posters who really wont give in until op agrees with them and / or it all goes tits up.
Noone can predict how this will go. That's life. Personally I'd rather give things a try that made me happy rather than thinking the worst of people constantly.
Yeah he treated you badly in the past, people can do bad things. None of us are perfect and nothing in life is black and white. That doesn't equal that he's all bad, that he has this huge dark agenda! People make mistakes all the time. It's how we deal with them.
Maybe it will work out OP maybe it won't? But you're happy to find out and why not ? Look after yourself x

Do me one favour, don't let him put you in the friendship zone.
Say it's a date, when he offers coffee out.
Meet up , and make sure you show in tiny ways you like like him.
No. For everyone thinking I mean sex.
There are lots of pages with advice on how to do this.
This way if he does look for love, he will know your willing to try, if he rejects you again you will have your answer.

I'd be curious as to how long after his relationship ended it took him to get back in touch...?

I think most ppl coming out of something like that would have trust issues and need space before jumping to be close with someone else again. Not all of course.

But if they just split like a month ago and he's reaching out to you already...it could be because he is desperate for narcissistic supply. Or is the sort of person that can't be alone for some other reason...

I guess just think about what the norms are and how you would or you think most ppl would and if something just seems a bit 'off' then be wary.

It's not the same as a man controlling a woman. A woman is physically weaker and may fear for her safety by disobeying. I take it your friend isn't 4 ft 5, and his Partner 6 ft 3?
I kind of agreed with you @Longblondeandblueeyes until you said this.
A lot of Men who are abused don't tell anyone and suffer in silence because of inflammatory comments like this. It boils down to masculinity and the idea you're 'less of a man' if a woman abuses you. Also if a man tries to defend himself by restraining or retaliating, it could then be seen differently and the accusations of abuse could easily be swapped around / not taken seriously. Size doesn't play a factor in abuse! No one seems to question the 'reality' of a woman being abused, but it's clear from these replies he should be judged 'guilty until proven innocent'.

You can predict it though. You can predict nearly all relationships and that's people's issues thinking they are all different and special.

And the worse part is when they start off with problems or the person isn't that interested.

Look at the relationship boards and your see the same stories time after time.
Doesn't matter if you've been together 3 years 15 years, married not married with dc or step dc.
You can predict it.

He sounds dodgy as anything and has you hooked. It's not the fact you're in touch, it's the way the minute you heard from him, after years...and you're suddenly seeing each other all the time, listening to his problems. It won't end well

OP I think you are trying to do two things here. Be a good friend and also be a potential partner. You appear to be in rescue mode, I apologise if I am wrong. I do believe that if you rescue him now, that when he is, hopefully, healed he will want a new relationship moving on from this painful time. I don’t agree he is necessarily using you, but your unconditional support (anticipating answering phone calls at 2a.m?) puts you firmly in supportive friend during terrible time he may well prefer to distance himself from. I also think the all in conversation indicates this isn’t where you truly want to be.

I’ve put my sensible hat on for the first time since he got back in touch, and have really thought about what everyone has said. So I am glad I posted! MN is very good for being an eye opener, even when you don’t want to open them.

I had pulled back and just said let’s keep in touch, but he has a lot of healing to do and I don’t have the mindset or space in my brain for it. I was giddy with him being home, but now I’ve actually given it some thought I can’t just be his sticking plaster until he’s well.

Doesn’t feel good tbh! But I’d rather it now than me falling head over heels for him and him fucking off again.

Well done you. Us older ladies have been played so many times we are like a pack of cards .

OP it won’t feel good, but I think you are right.

I think you have done the right thing. I do think some posters were quite harsh about it all but they did have a point. Also when he said he knew he wasn’t ready for a relationship and you were already feeling ‘giddy’, you probably came back down to earth.

Read the full thread OP... I believe you have done the right thing .. for you Lady

Thanks everyone. Feel a bit of a dick now for being such a stubborn know it all.

Is your change of heart all because of the replies you've got? Or has something happened that has made you wary?

Yea I stopped being a bloody idiot and really thought about the impact and issues that could be rushing my way if I just kept on.

He’s been great, and agreed that it’s the best idea.

Glad you're chilling your boots a bit.

@category12 your posts were the ones that got me to sit up and think tbh. So thank you!