Dom/sub relationships

[Difflifestyle]

Hi

Myself and my partner are in a D/S relationship, Male Dom, female sub.

This is a lifestyle choice, not just the bedroom antics, harks back to early traditions, men being men, women being women etc. We are both committed and consenting to this.

We are interested to know, if one of your family or friends told you they were doing this what would your reaction be?

Some do have relationships where they allow their partner to 'dictate' things about their life in general and enjoy handing over that power, and as long as it stops when the sub wants it to, and it has limits they set, that's fine.

What happens when the sub partner then chooses to end that element of the relationship?
Do they both just carry on in a 'normal' relationship?
I hate using the word normal here but I'm not sure how else to articulate my meaning.

Wouldn't the dynamic be difficult to change?

If you have or will have children, it's completely inappropriate as it teaches the children the surface master-slave dynamic is normal without even understanding the underlying consent/enjoyment of the submissive partner.

I think 50 shades has a lot to answer for in persuading thousands of people that a shitty abusive relationship can be "sexy" if you chuck words like Dom and sub around.

I think human psychology is such that people internalise the roles they play. So right now it feels like a fun game to both of you, but not so long down the line, you will subconsciously slide into this just being the state of being rather than play. So he will have the mindset that he is superior, his will is your command, his feelings are more important, and abuses such as him doing whatever he likes no matter how you feel about it, while you get stuck doing drudgy every day crap you don't like, will just be the horrible reality of it.

I don't think you should tell people. What you do in the bedroom is your own choice, you don't need to be sharing that, but if you play surrendered wife out of it as well, then not a lot of people, Male or female are going to respect you for it.

All that handing the power to someone but still setting the rules is only possible if:

• the sub has excellent self esteem and is actually in a position to set boundaries and hold them. Im pretty sure many people cant do that. And I imagine this will be harder if you are in a position where your role is please your Dom
• the Dom isnt using that as a way to groom the woman.

I would see that as a dangerous game to play tbh

I’d wonder why you wanted a man to tell you what to do all the time.

I would think my friend or family member had deep seated emotional issues, as well as the other half in that relationship.
As far as it didn't involve or concern me I would try to keep well away from that subject when interacting with my friend/family member.

And agree with pps, taking it out of the bedroom and living your whole life around it is just utterly exhausting I just wouldn't bother with the hassle.

I would...

a) wonder what had happened in your early life to cause this unhealthy fixation with being dominated and belittled
b) assume your DP is an inadequate creep
c) feel vaguely resentful and disgusted at being used as a prop in your extended sex life, ie the thrill you get out of "telling people"
d) want a shower

If the OP was a female Domme and her male partner was the willing submissive allowing her to make all his choices surrounding food and appropriate clothing etc .. would there be so much pearl clutching?

This is a totally false equivalence. It completely fails to take into account the patriarchal structure of our society.

I think op as you can see by the responses, most women want equality and find a woman who wishes to be subservient, controlled, surrendered in their daily life unpalatable.

They'd also be concerned about the inadequacies of a man who wished this, where he couldn't deal with or wouldn't wish to be with a woman his equal. I'd personally assume some issues there in his life which leads him to want to be the big man at home. Lack of career success maybe.

You do you, and if this is making you happy go for it, but I'd really keep it quiet, both of you.

If the OP was a female Domme and her male partner was the willing submissive allowing her to make all his choices surrounding food and appropriate clothing etc .. would there be so much pearl clutching

I'm not sure it's pearly clutching, more people find it distasteful and yes. Reverse the genders and people would think the same. It's not the bedroom stuff but the day to day.

However as a pp said, women fought hard for equality, and typically we wish to be with men who want to be with an equal. Men who don't want women to be equal simply are deeply unappealing and unattractive to the vast majority of women.

I'd feel sorry for you and think your dysfunctional lifestyle is a result of mental trauma probably due to a dysfunctional childhood. There would be no respect for the male from me either.

@Amaretto is on the money;

All that handing the power to someone but still setting the rules is only possible if:
- the sub has excellent self esteem and is actually in a position to set boundaries and hold them. Im pretty sure many people cant do that. And I imagine this will be harder if you are in a position where your role is please your Dom

This. Most people(women) in life are rubbish at knowing what their own boundaries are and setting them- thigh in fairness people seriously into the kink world tend to be much better than average on that score.

What you do, you become. I worry about people who practice submission if they don't have a more dominant role in their life. The people who i have seen it working well for are those who have highly responsible day jobs and it's a blessed relief not to have to be responsible in their sex lives too.

And that's ripe for another layer of the, "but are they in the best position to really know and enforce their own boundaries" conversation.

Particularly when you factor in sub space and endorphins and biochemical and embodied system responses to being tied up, hurt or whatever.

Though in all fairness the doms who I've met and respect are very much all over looking after their subs and watching out for inability to consent in any given moment.

Which is weird, when they get a kick out of dominating and hurting them.

Can you tell I'm conflicted about the whole thing

From my own perspective, I find this kind of interaction relaxing precisely because I don't have to make any decisions. I'm a very strong willed, independent person with a lot of high priority responsibilities. So to have something taken out of my hands, from someone who doesn't find that a burden and enjoys directing, is very freeing. And of course, of course, of course, I can always say no.

And most doms (maybe 90%) are male. You cannot seperate d/s from the mysogynistic world that we live in: a female domme/Male sub relation is not a straightforward swap comparison- it is right that we factor in socialization, biology, misogyny, sexism, etc.

It's also a world that has a whole load more trans people in than average

'A friends commented she had noticed I had changed my style, and my answer its to please him, made her question me.'

Awful

I think the fact OP hasn't come back to this discussion puts it firmly in the camp of what a pp called 'nonconsensual bystander involvement'. Which is a bit ick.

It’s all about sex, really, isn’t it? The kick you both get out of this dynamic is sexual, whether you’re in the bedroom or not, therefore you don’t need to involve anyone else and to do so would be very weird.

If it’s more a ‘surrendered wife’ type thing, I’d question why on Earth you want to live like that in the 21st century, given that women have spent the last 100 years trying to escape that sort of control.

I'm screaming - why do you need to tell your friends and family about this? 🤣

I think the fact OP hasn't come back to this discussion puts it firmly in the camp of what a pp called 'nonconsensual bystander involvement'.

No, I think it puts it firmly in the camp of "Daily Mail hack looking for a story".

feel vaguely resentful and disgusted at being used as a prop in your extended sex life, ie the thrill you get out of "telling people"

this exactly.

Creepy creepy creepy. Like those ones that innocently ask for our experiences of childhood corporal punishment. Creepy.

'I think the fact OP hasn't come back to this discussion puts it firmly in the camp of what a pp called 'nonconsensual bystander involvement'.'

I think it's probably because she's all trussed up like a belated Bernard Mathews Turkey....

I accept that in a tiny number of cases, it’s legitimate, consensual and happy. However, from my experience, 99% of the time, it’s an excuse for male abuse, misogyny and selfishness. Don’t fall for it.

*A friends commented she had noticed I had changed my style, and my answer its to please him

But this isn't the whole truth. The reality is you changed your style because you like the idea of him picking your style - that pleases you. So why not say to your friend "yeah I am trying something new - I like it". If you gave that reply to me, I'd presume you were unsure about changing your style just to please him and were looking for some conversation about the concept of changing your look to please your boyfriend. If you are happy with your decisions, then just live them.*

This. Totally this. BDSM seems a choice which some people can't get their head round. Might say more about them than the people they're judging. But you saying this to your friend is reeeeaaaalllllly worrying. Either you are over-sharing or titillation, or you are not as comfortable with this choice as you think.