Dom/sub relationships

[Difflifestyle]

Hi

Myself and my partner are in a D/S relationship, Male Dom, female sub.

This is a lifestyle choice, not just the bedroom antics, harks back to early traditions, men being men, women being women etc. We are both committed and consenting to this.

We are interested to know, if one of your family or friends told you they were doing this what would your reaction be?

I'd be really worried about you. If it was because you couldn't be bothered about making decisions then it's fine but for example - if a friend asked you to come on a night out, would you need his permission? Also, I understand wearing something that your OH likes or having your hair a certain way, as long as you also like it. I like my hair long and there's no way I'd cut it short regardless of how much my OH liked it.

So it's a game then. I'd be utterly creeped out if you involved me in your foreplay 🤢

A friend of mine was in one of these relationships. Very open about it and loved to overshare on the details. She was into pain. We all reckon it was abusive. He was possibly married too. He controlled every aspect of her life. She even had to ask him for permission for me to visit her. I spent the entire time there thinking he was going to show up. He also tried to involve me in their kink, if we were chatting online he'd come into the chat and start asking her what I looked like and make disparaging remarks about my appearance. He was disgusting and quite misogynistic. We only knew his first name and what they got up to, never saw a photo of him in the entire couple of years they were involved. I was glad for her when they ended it and she found someone else.

Each to his/her own - just make sure you don't have children.

A little warning - you could find yourself on your own through illness (OH is now being cared for in a nursing home) or death or whatever - then you will need to be able to make the necessary decisions.

Honestly? If it's just a sex thing and consensual - no one needs to know. A whole lifestyle? If you were my close family member/close friend - I'd try to make you see sense and help you to get out of this in any way I can. If you were my daughter - I'd do absolutely anything to end it. If you'd be a distant relative/acquaintance I'd offer help and cut you out of my life if you proceeded to live like this.

I consider myself to be a fairly tolerant person, pretty much anything goes, whatever floats your boat type. But not THIS, as it goes pretty much against everything I believe in as a woman. Sorry, but I cannot understand why would anyone want to discard their freedom in such way, therefore I couldn't respect you (or your partner). And if I couldn't respect you - I wouldn't want you in my life at all.

You asked for opinions, sorry if it's offensive, but it is what it is.

Its not about telling them about our sex lives, but the dynamic that exists in our relationship.

I don't really believe it's not just an extension of your sex life, but even if it were true, you need to be a pretty special kind of attention seeker to feel the need to 'explain the dynamic that exists in your relationship' to other people.

If you were someone close to me, I'd be worried about your sanity. If you were someone not close to me, I'd avoid you.

I'd think you were a doormat and he was an arsehole. On the bright side- as my grandfather might have said, it would have been a shame to spoil two houses with them. If you insisted in telling me at every opportunity how you lurrved acquiescing to him in every life decision, big or small, I'd think you were an oddly tedious doormat/ showoff hybrid and dump you as a friend. I would also wonder how pathetically inadequate he was in other areas of his life/work, that he felt the need to exert control over his partner' haircut or whatever.

it would have been a shame to spoil two houses with them.

This is my new favourite insult

It’s lunchtime and you are putting me off my granary sandwich

Actually reading your posts, OP, you remind me very much of my friend.

I used to be greatly interested in this and was active in online communities, So I wouldn't judge.

So wild

IME there is a certain amount of getting off on other people’s disapproval. Including when asking so-called innocent questions on MN. And including other people in your sex life against their will is a foul thing to do

Got to be honest, I wouldn't be going around telling people this. It's none of their business and they probably don't want to know. I'd certainly be if someone told me this, but probably more that they felt the need to tell me, rather than the actual situation.

If the OP was a female Domme and her male partner was the willing submissive allowing her to make all his choices surrounding food and appropriate clothing etc .. would there be so much pearl clutching??

OP people outside this will really struggle to empathise or understand it - there is so much attention being brought to the forefront about domestic abuse and control (and rightly so) that any statement you're making about being a willing and happy participant is being drowned out.

Anyone outside the lifestyle will struggle to understand the power dynamic in D/s relationships lean in much more favour for the sub and as with the many years it's taken for acceptance of LBGTQ it will be the same for lifestyles like D/s and polyamory.. patience, understanding and safe spaces for talking is all we can do in the meantime x

Why would you tell people though?
Is he walking you around on a leash or is it so obvious in every day life that people would ask or comment?
If not I don't see why you'd even bring it up.
I don't bring up what my husband and I do in the bedroom so I don't really understand why people with kinks and fetishes need to talk about it all the time.

IME there is a certain amount of getting off on other people’s disapproval.

True, so although I would think WTF, I would nod, change the subject and then avoid you. I don't have much tolerance for attention seekers unless they are very young children in which case it's understandable .

If it's just a sex thing, I really wouldn't want to know. Because it's awkward. I'm just not that into head-porn involving my personal acquaintances.

A "lifestyle", on the other hand:

I'd worry about you if you were my friend. And, to be brutally frank, would arguably refer to your OH as "the controlling arsehole" in his and your absence. It's also, to be honest, a really weird dynamic to be around generally when one party is obviously subservient:

Years ago now, I attended a work friend' s house party along with a bunch of other colleagues and a few of the spouses. This one guy, Andy (not his actual name), brought his wife. I still haven't got the faintest idea what their deal was - but, eeeeeek, weirdest couple dynamic I've ever seen in real life:

Basically, Andy's wife would introduce herself as "Andy's wife" (no name of her own) - and Andy would comandeer her around the house all night long, telling her when and where to sit, when to get up, where to stand, ... you get the idea. Now, at the time I happened to be Andy's boss. And Andy was gunning hard for a promotion. Which resulted in him ordering the poor wife to basically personally wait on me. As in "wife, please go to the kitchen and fix Yeah another drink - then bring her coat. And maybe ask Jeremy if she can bum a smoke off him".

OP, I hope that's not what you're talking about. Because I don't think I've ever been so creeped out by a couple in my life. It was cringeworthy. I felt miserable for the wife all night long and with every passing minute became more steadfast in my conviction that my employee was an irredeemable arsehole.

Needless to say, in case you're wondering, this did not result in a promotion for Andy. He resigned a few months later and, oh boy, was I glad the creep no longer worked for me!

I honestly hope that's not the sort of thing you're talking about, OP. If it is, please consider keeping your personal dynamic out of social gatherings.

I would feel sorry for your children and probably report you to SS.

Pearl-clutching
No, I don’t want to be included in anyone’s kink against my will, thanks. The difference is that this seems to be one of the ones where people are super keen to tell you and share their extra special relationship and enjoy the discomfort/bewilderment/fact that it is being played out in public. All the sadface stuff about people not understanding just doesn’t wash.

Your problem is being so over-excited (aka in "sub-frenzy") that you think it's appropriate to tell non-scene people what you're doing.

I strongly believe there is rightly a stigma about the bdsm lifestyle and that's a very good thing, when shitebags try to use it to mitigate actually killing women by "mistake". I am absolutely against normalisation of it.

Anyone can indulge in it and that's up to them, ykinmk and that's OK, but you don't need to be going public with it.

If you're telling nilla people about it you're verging on unconsensual bystander involvement which is not cool.

Watch your mental health like a hawk. The fact that you can't decide for yourself what to say to your friends is fucking concerning to me - and I'm hardly inexperienced.

Talk in the community about it, but be very bland in your answers to any questions outside of it.

Mumsnet isn't really the most kink friendly place. There are, rightly, a lot of feminist concerns about male on female control or sadism.

If you're telling nilla people about it you're verging on unconsensual bystander involvement which is not cool.

Wow, thanks! See my last post for my experience of being on the receiving end (though, to be fair, I really don't know what their deal was!).
It's been 5 years since that happened, and your post just made me realise why it made me feel so incredibly uncomfortable!

I wouldn’t have much respect for your or him to be honest