Dom/sub relationships

[Difflifestyle]

Hi

Myself and my partner are in a D/S relationship, Male Dom, female sub.

This is a lifestyle choice, not just the bedroom antics, harks back to early traditions, men being men, women being women etc. We are both committed and consenting to this.

We are interested to know, if one of your family or friends told you they were doing this what would your reaction be?

harks back to early traditions, men being men, women being women etc

God this annoys me, what you mean is When Men Were Men and Women Were What Men Told Them To Be.

Why have you even come here to ask the opinion of a load of women? Surely only what men think matters?

Really interesting thread. I haven't seen any 'pearl clutching', but there are several posts that offer useful insights and analysis.

For my part, if a sub insisted on involving me in this way I'd assume they were acting out the Karpman Drama Triangle in the role of 'victim'; not honestly participating in a BDSM relationship.
The problem with Victim, Persecutor, Rescuer is the roles are not fixed or static, so I'd exit the friendship asap.

All sounds a bit silly. Does it apply while filling in your tax returns or doing the school run?

harks back to early traditions, men being men, women being women etc

yeah this is pretty silly, isn't it. The legal and cultural world was set up for the patriarchy but does anyone really think that every single man made all the decision and every single woman put up with it and submitted? People were people even back in "early traditions". Have a read of the Barsetshire novels and tell me Mrs Proudie was in anyway submissive - and this before the married women's property acts. Its all a load of tosh. do what you want but don't bore/involve the rest of us in it.

I feel bad for your friend who got more than she bargained for when she made a simple comment about your new frock.

OP you don't need to explain anything about your power dynamic. Compliments on a change in appearance? "Thanks, I'm glad you think it suits me," will suffice. One previous D/s relationship I had with an extremely good D I was happy to go along with him making decisions about some topics. Nobody ever knew we were even together (FWB type arrangement) much less that we were in a D/s dynamic. Another with an abusive twat I mistook for a D was peppered with exactly these kind of statements. If He is secure in his position and you are truly happy it doesn't need to be stated. As good D once reminded me, the lady protests too much.

I would feel sorry for you for being so pathetic. But I would keep away from both of you. If it makes you happy then whose to judge. As long as you both arent behaving like creeps and making others feel uncomfortable.

harks back to early traditions, men being men, women being women etc
Bullshit. Women in the distant past did not set any rules, give their consent to the system they lived in or decide how hard they could be hit or what they were willing to do sexually - they were living as actual property not indulging in a game.

The issue is that it is now a taboo for women to say that they like a strong male figure to dominate them. It's seen as doing a disservice to the sisterhood.

Well, sorry. Some of us enjoy the feeling. And no, it does not make us less valuable as human beings. You need to look at yourself if you have said you wouldn't be involved with a friend unless she conformed to your beliefs. That's more controlling than a dom/sub relationship.

@TheBlueStocking I think most people here were more concerned that OP was trying to introduce her friend into their role play, which is weird.

It's fine to like what you like. Just don't force other people to be a part of it.

I'd absolutely judge your situation and be very concerned about why you would want to tell me if it was all so great. I'd let you know that I would be available to support you if you were struggling to leave and then I would distance myself while the relationship was ongoing

The issue is that it is now a taboo for women to say that they like a strong male figure to dominate them

I get your defensive but clearly it's not taboo. That's an erroneous spin on it. The fact people find it distasteful and dislike inequality doesn't make it taboo. It simply makes it distasteful and people disliking inequality.

In addition people are concerned as for many there could be and are much deeper issues at play. A man who wishes women to be inferior to him, s woman who wishes to be. It begs the question on what causes this. The answer of "we like it" is simplistic.

The bottom line is people can run their relationships as they please. If you're happy no one else needs to know the gritty detail of how you get off. If you're not happy the find a way to discuss it and get help. Garnering opinion from anyone who will listen really isn't the way to manage it.

1. I would think that somewhere along the line,. You had been very much damaged by a male and this will have impacted your decision to choose this 'lifestyle'

1. I would think that your 'controller', was a twat.

1. I would be thinking that you were both 'getting' off on telling people.

She's not inferior to him. I think that's the crucial point you're missing out on.

This has got nothing to do with struggles for control in abusive relationships, which happens all the time in any kind of relationship, romantic, family, or platonic. This is a mutually beneficial, mutually agreed arrangement that suits both parties.

And telling people is not involving them in your kink. The OP has simply made the mistake of giving information to a judgemental person.

@TheBlueStocking Have you actually tried it, though? Because it might not be what you think. Have you read the post above where someone described what they observed at a party, where the "d" was telling the "s" what to do, where to sit, who to wait on, what to fetch... surely that wouldn't be relaxing for you? Have you ever asked someone to pick you dinner - what if you didn't like what they chose? What if you'd had a large chicken meal at lunch and were all chickened out, and they happened to choose you chicken? When I am shattered and can barely remember my own name, someone saying "how about lasagne for dinner?" might be very appealing, but that is different from someone else choosing your dinner night after night... actually, writing that makes me realise it does sound a bit institutional...

This has got nothing to do with struggles for control in abusive relationships, which happens all the time in any kind of relationship, romantic, family, or platonic I think in healthy relationships, both sides are empathetic about each other's needs and there is compromise, not fighting for control.

@solpetyie

Yes, I'm speaking from experience. I don't expect you to enjoy the things that I enjoy, of course. But yes, I love having my dinner chosen for me.

If they chose something I didn't like, I would veto it. Like people have said, it's the sub who actually holds the cards. I've requested for my dinner to be chosen for me. It's not some bully telling me what to eat. It's the relaxing experience of not having to decide what I want to have for dinner. Because I don't like choosing my own dinner. I am responsible for so many things in my life. It's great for me to have someone take those decisions out of my hands.

@thebluestocking thanks for your reply re the dinner. I think you are right, you enjoy having your dinner chosen and I would not enjoy that at all, and that is fine, but I still wonder whether what you are thinking about isn't the typical "d/s" relationship - ie such as the party dynamic describe by @YeahLikeNoThough where she describes the party?

@solpetyie

I don't think that particular description is a typical dom/sub relationship. That describes a situation where the sub has been contracted out, so to speak, to an willing party. I don't think that sort of behaviour is appropriate.

An unwilling party, rather.

It sure why anyone at all would need to know that you're ina Dom/sub relationship.

Surely the correct answer to 'have you had your hair done?' Is 'yes I have, thanks for noticing' not 'yes, my husband told me to'.

“ And telling people is not involving them in your kink.”

The experience of many says that it often is in this situation. You are either naive or lying.

You don't like choosing what to eat?

Ok. I think you'll understand though that the vast majority of the human race do. And really don't want to be told what to eat. Even young kids don't like it. And having a veto surely makes the whole thing pointless.

What shall I eat
Lasagne
I don't want lasagne
Steak
I don't want steak
Bacon and eggs
No I don't want that,

What's the point in that, unless the veto is purely theoretical to pretend to oneself and never use it.

The abnormality of even being told what to eat, which is such a huge huge extreme and well out of the bedroom, is concerning.

I'd wonder that there is something deeply amiss in a mans life that he needs this level of control at home, and that the woman feels this is all she has to offer to keep a man, or that something is so amiss she feels it's acceptable she can't even choose what she eats.

"When men were men and women were women"...? Dear God - I expect you're happy to do an equal job to your male counterpart and ear half the salary then. Bloody nonsense.

You are eroticising your own oppression.

I understand this is a far easier and more socially acceptable strategy than examining it, rejecting it and finding ways to end it. All the 'sex positive' and 'kink acceptance' people will cheer you on, and of course men will like you more. You can say 'It's my choice' and then reject any attempt to critique or analyse your choice as anti-sex prudery from pearl-cluthers and man-hating feminists. You can keep on your rose-tinted spectacles and 'hark back to early traditions, men being men, women being women etc.' You never have to examine the sheer horror of what those 'early traditions' have meant for women, past and present, around the world.

It's regressive as fuck.

Sexologists right back to Havelock Ellis in the early 20th Century have written books and papers and held conferences on how to get women to enjoy their own sexual subordination, saying it is woman's nature to be subordinate and surrendered, calling those who did not comply 'frigid', regardless of how many wonderful orgasms they were having outside of structures of male domination and female submission.

A hundred years of sexology has told us that when women learn to take pleasure in submission in sex, we will be subordinating ourselves in our lives as a whole. In this respect, the sexologists knew their business. And their business was to ensure that women were undermined, unable to fight their oppression. Today the sexual liberals who are fighting feminist activists, who see themselves as being in the progressive pro-sex and anticensorship lobbies, are continuing the sexologists' work. Through eroticizing our subordination in the name of "sexual liberation," they shore up the foundations of male supremacy.

Sheila Jeffreys, 1987. This regressive bullshit has only escalated since then.

Of course I can stop it, when I want, we have agreements in place, safe spaces to talk.

Maybe, maybe not. None of us know how trustworthy this man is. You might not know yourself unless or until you attempt to leave or decide you no longer want the 'D/s dynamic' in your relationship at all.

Let's assume for a moment that your relationship is full of 'total respect and trust' and as a Dom his only desire is to give his sub pleasure. Let's assume this man is a paragon of ethical Dom-ness and that you have done lots of work on your mental and emotional health so that you can be sure your current 'pleasure' is not a reaction to past trauma. It still stinks.

Read around this relationships board. Read the stories from the many women who are stuck in coercive controlling relationships. Women who are actually afraid not to submit and do what they are told, and with good reason. Women who are afraid to leave because they know this will place them in greater danger.

You are fetishising their pain and their terror. You are fetishising abuse. You are fetishising male supremacy.

A friends commented she had noticed I had changed my style, and my answer its to please him, made her question me.

Keep hold of this friend just in case you need help extricating yourself at any point.