Dom/sub relationships

[Difflifestyle]

Hi

Myself and my partner are in a D/S relationship, Male Dom, female sub.

This is a lifestyle choice, not just the bedroom antics, harks back to early traditions, men being men, women being women etc. We are both committed and consenting to this.

We are interested to know, if one of your family or friends told you they were doing this what would your reaction be?

I would wonder what things in your life had made you into someone who gets off on your own internalised misogyny, and I would give you contact details for Women’s Aid for when you realise that, whatever you get up to in bed, this level of control is corrosively unhealthy. I would decline to be around your boyfriend.

@stilldoesntknowwhatshappening
Puds Subs actually have more control than the Doms.

how so?

Anyone outside the lifestyle will struggle to understand the power dynamic in D/s relationships lean in much more favour for the sub

I agree with that put myself in that category of the 'Hasnt a clue'.
Which measn that if a friend was telling me that I would:
1- be very worried for them
2- would want to undertand more about hat sort of dynamics
3- might still be very worried and would treat it as if it was an abusive relationship - aka I would ensure you know that i will always be there for you, regardless of what will happen in your relationship (I would also ensure that our friendship is staying strong and he isnot coming in between us)
4- If ou tell me about issues in your relationship or I see things I am deeply uncomfortable, I might be MORE likely to tell you about it.

I have to say, I dont know a lot about that sort of dynamics but I have alwys wondered how someone can know another person so well as to be able to say THEY know better what the person wants... I mean my experience of men is that they are usually emotionally constipated and unwilling to do any emotional work. so I am struggling to see man not just keen but totally willing to put the effort necessary to ndertand his partner (if that is even possible).
But then maybe I have undertood everything wrong

@stilldoesntknowwhatshappening

Puds Subs actually have more control than the Doms.

Interested to know how that is working too.

Anyone outside the lifestyle will struggle to understand the power dynamic in D/s relationships lean in much more favour for the sub

Sounds like the bleating about porn and prostitution being "so empowering" for women.

OP you come across as attention seeking and inauthentic.

It's no one's business what kind of relationship two consenting adults decide. It's not your families or friends or work colleagues or the man at the corner shop. So I can only imagine that you are (considering) telling them all because you want attention.

They won't judge if they don't know.

As for you telling your friend that you've changed style because it's 'what he wanted', you said that to provoke a reaction. You probably got a reaction - well done.

@stilldoesntknowwhatshappening yeah that sounds like one of those lies desperate people tell themselves.

@YeahLikeNoThough that sounds unbelievably grim for you. Very odd that he would put it on display while wanting a promotion, too. I generally live and let live but I think I would have found it very hard to not say say something at the party.

And grim for her too for that matter...

I;d have no interest in what you got up to in the bedroom.

But I wouldn't think much of you for the whole surrendered wife thing. And I'd assume he was a controlling arsehole who only felt strong if he felt that he had control over you. . have you read Lundy Bancroft about this?

women are strong. We are independent. We don't need a man (or anything) to give us permission to do things, to tell us how to do things. I'd think you were a bit crap tbh if you agreed to that. A relations is about mutual respect and partnership.

I wouldn't tell anyone that I was being controlled by a man at my own instigation. Why would you want that? You are not your own person really.

I think people who don't understand it imagine all kinds of crap.

I'd actually be quite envious of you. I'd love to be in that kind of relationship. And of course I'd expect the other person to respect my autonomy and respect me in general. I would actively want and enjoy that kind of interaction, so there's no real element of control. It's really no more serious than a friend ordering lunch for you if you asked them to choose something for you.

To be fair, I can't see anywhere where the OP has said she's gone around being attention seeking. It was just that a friend asked her why she'd changed her hairstyle, and she said it was to please her husband.

I definitely get why the Sub gets the power in a D/S relationship, but Mumsnet's not the place. Get thyself to Fetlife!

I find this all a bit "look at me, look at me!".

If you want to do it, fine.
But you don't need to come on here to show off and you didn't need to mention it to her when she asked you about your change in style. Why not just say "Because I fancied a change" and that's the end of that.

To be fair, MNers’ goodwill and time has long been abused by fetishists not posting in good faith and getting off on responses, so it’s not surprising that people are suspicious. The advice to talk about it in dedicated places instead is sensible. However, MN is a good place to seek advice if it feels like things are not right.

The OP doesn't sound attention seeking when they have literally posted on an internet forum about their fetish and asked for reactions.

Saying to someone at a party that you have changed style because your husband wants you to - is not said to provoke a reaction?

They sound like a couple of cretins.

Do you think you like the intense attention of someone eg choosing your clothes? I’m just wondering if it’s subconsciously about being ‘cared’ for at a level you haven’t felt previously? Changing your style is one thing, but it does indicate that maybe you don’t have a very strong sense of self and could be part of a pattern of changing who you are around someone else. That said, I kind of get it (from a sub’s point of view) to an extent but I think a) any man that wants that full time has issues and b) nobody else needs to know your business.

We have friends who live this as a lifestyle and fine with it. DH and I like a bit of BDSM and sometimes go to parties/clubs. I guess he takes the dom role but it's purely physical (ie he does the tying up, spanking etc) rather than role play - he tried acting dominant once and I just found it upsetting so he stopped (nb, he didn't do anything wrong or horrible, I just didn't like it!)

Because Queen in a real (not abusive) Dom/Sub relationship the Subs make the rules. When they say stop everything stops. They say how far or how little something will go.

Honestly, yeah I would judge. But it's because it's so far removed from what I would want out of life.

But it's not mine or anyone else's place to tell you how to live.

RE subs holding all the power, that's said because they give the ultimate consent and boundaries to the dynamic. If a sub agrees to be spanked, they might agree to it with certain tools but not others, and through eg safewords they can stop a scene at any time if they choose (e.g. if it gets too intense or painful for them).

It's said that it's an illusion that they are giving all their power to the dominant partner.

It's all still problematic, especially the more extreme you get.

@powershowerforanhourowershower - I don't think it's the same as saying porn is empowering etc, but there are good and dysfunctional BDSM relationships - anyone on the scene who said there weren't would be lying. But just as not all relationships are good, there is often a default belief that all BDSM relationships must be dysfunctional/abusive. I get why people might think that, and I've know ones which are and people who do use it as a cover for be abusive, but it's far from being usual.

Some do have relationships where they allow their partner to 'dictate' things about their life in general and enjoy handing over that power, and as long as it stops when the sub wants it to, and it has limits they set, that's fine.

A friends commented she had noticed I had changed my style, and my answer its to please him

But this isn't the whole truth. The reality is you changed your style because you like the idea of him picking your style - that pleases you. So why not say to your friend "yeah I am trying something new - I like it". If you gave that reply to me, I'd presume you were unsure about changing your style just to please him and were looking for some conversation about the concept of changing your look to please your boyfriend. If you are happy with your decisions, then just live them.

We probably wouldn't be friends for very long tbh, I couldn't see us having much in common.

Do you have a written (or clearly agreed) agreement between you? What are the main clauses?

Can you choose to work different hours / change jobs / spend money as you wish? (as some simple examples). Do you choose what you can wear, and who you can talk to? What provisions exist for ceasing the relationship, on either side.