Moving in with my partner

[Gemlouiski]

Hi everyone.

I'm looking for people to share opinions on my current dilemma as I am so confused and stressed and I have zero people to talk to.

My partner on a year and I have been talking about living together. He is wonderful man. Great with my two boys from my previous relationship and our relationship is fantastic. By far the best one I've ever been in. I love him so much and he says he wants a future of marriage, a child of his own and to be a family all of us together. All things I would love. However the dilemma is this... he owns a house already. A 3 bed terrace in an area that we both acknowledge isn't the nicest place to bring up a family. I however live in a very nice family friendly area but I currently live with my father. Who is retired. Single and cant drive. He doesn't need constant care but I like to be there for him obviously as I hate the thought of him being alone. My eldest boy is happy and settled in a lovely school after a rocky start in his first one and being moved. My littlest is happy at nursery. However my area is quite expensive. My partner is open to moving as he feels we would need a bigger house to live comfortably. But the properties available in my area that are within budget are not to his taste. They are older 70s style houses and he like modern and something aesthetically pleasing. To be fair to him there are hardly any properties available in his budget anyway.

So we started looking down near his family. A nice much cheaper area towards the coast where he can afford a big new build. It's a gorgeous house for sure. Close to his family. However a very long commute for him to work and an hour and a half from my family. Which I wouldnt mind if it werent for the fact my dad cant drive, and has no friends or partner. I am so worried he will be lonely if I live so far. And how I will care for him as he gets older. My other huge worry is of course my eldest. Moving him to a new school again. I'm not sure I can do that to him he is so happy where he is.

So my question is... am I being unreasonable for not wanting to move so far away? I realise my partner is offering us a new life. Beautiful family home and willing to take on a ready made family. But the truth is I would happily live in any property with him as I love him so much I just want us to be a family. But I also still want to be able to be there for my father and I'm petrified of uprooting my children.

Any advice or opinions welcome. Thank you

@honeyroar I agree. Thank you

By MN standards, my relationhsipo wasnt serious when I got married to DH

I don't think it is standards as much as risk assessing a relationship likelihood when children are involved. Children of an already failed relationship should be the top priority as they only get one childhood so parents need to be more cautious. MN has lots of threads from adult women who didn't feel protected because mum or dad rushed new relationships.

In this case the OP appears more vulnerable as won't have an exit strategy and her child has already moved schools and is settled. She is also moving from her only, albeit limited, support. If the move was not so dramatic then there would be less risk which is why people say rent (but op says that will cost) so time is the only factor to reduce risk

2nd marriages have a much higher rate of failure so the odds (rather than a MN view) are against couples. I would not drag my children into a major move that had at best a 30% chance of success.

An engagement ring is just a piece of metal and a rock, but a baby is for life.

@Gemlouiski, bit hug and sorry for being so negative but I've been round the block a few times

and what Honeyroar said.

I feel like I've given you a hard time tough love on this thread and just wanted to say I'm really impressed you've spoken to him and explained to him articulately what you feel and stood your ground.

It does sound like love bombing and future faking and we need to remember that people who do those things aren't necessarily horrible and manipulative, sometimes they don't consciously know they're doing it they just go into 'all in' mode and do it selfishly as they let their feelings run away with themselves, with rose tinted glasses firmly in place.

Think it's great you've spoken honestly to him and his reaction is very telling.

He doesn't sound willing to compromise even though the things you're saying (basically you want your children to come first, your security in every sense and also your dad) are totally reasonable and what people should want in a partner.

Well done you x

@YasssKween thank you. I appreciate that. X

@Gemlouiski, Im sorry :(

If he doesnt see how vulnerable living with him far away from your dad would be for you and the dcs , then you have indeed a very big issue.

I think what strikes me is the inequality op. He won't move to your area for no reason other than he dislikes the house styles he could get.

Yet you'd consider uprooting everything for this man. He won't even live in s house he doesn't like the style of for you.

It really says it all.

Sorry :(
That is bad news and obviously not what you wanted to hear.
But hang on to what you have learned today. This momentary pain may save you from making a significant mistake.

I disagree that this bad news for the OP, it is excellent news. She now knows exactly where she stands with this man, and she has found that out before moving her and her DC from their home to a new area without her family support and before she has a baby with him.

As for his not wanting to be held to ransom comment about engagement/wedding what exactly does he think will happen if you have a child together? You will be in each others lives for a very long time whether together romantically or not, is that not holding you to ransom?

Well done for raising it all with him.

“he pointed out that from his point of view he could then worry I may attempt to take the house if we were to marry first.” Wow!

HUGE red flag!!

“he isn't particularly open to meeting me halfway... anywhere”

To be fair many of us did say this seemed to be the case. It must hurt to be hit with this but I agree with ChuckleBuckles better now than when you’ve uprooted the kids and made a load of sacrifices.

He wants YOU to make a commitment that makes YOU and YOUR DC extremely vulnerable but HE is unwilling to make even a lesser commitment.

Clearly his comment he’d put you on the deeds was nonsense too as that would also mean you could potentially have a claim on the house.

Don’t fall for him saying no to marriage but yes to on deeds “at some point”

“By MN standards, my relationhsipo wasnt serious when I got married to DH”

Statistically a relationship is more likely to last if:

The couple are together 2+ years before living together

The couple get married (sorry to those mners who co-habit successfully there are always outliers but statistically it’s true)

Both parties haven’t been married/co-habitees with other people before

The only children the couple have are the ones they’ve had/adopted together.

Unpopular maybe but that’s the facts.

People who’ve been divorced/separated before are more likely to do so again.

Couples where there are step children are more likely to split

So a couple needs to be really sure before making another commitment to a new relationship.

Especially as the fallout is far worse for dc than it tends to be for the adults.

“MN has lots of threads from adult women who didn't feel protected because mum or dad rushed new relationships.” Absolutely! And they’re completely heartbreaking to read.

Far too big a decision after only being together a year.

Engagement means little until a date is set.

He clearly wants you to take almost all the risks, and keep his financial assets. It’s good he’s been explicit on this.

When people show you who they are, believe them!

He clearly wants you to take almost all the risks, and keep his financial assets. It’s good he’s been explicit on this.

This. And engagement is meaningless.

He's made his agenda very clear to you. It was a real mistake to involve your children with this man so soon, but to move anywhere with him or have a child with him would be utter folly.

Would be telling him we keep things as they are or move on. He's not a keeper.

Well done @Gemlouiski although it's a shame it might not be quite what you wanted to hear. I think you're right to now just enjoy each other's company and wait and see how things progress from here.
I still stick to my opinion of go make time for friends though, even if it's once a month make time.

Thank you everyone for all your help

@FruitcakeOfHate ... you can be very cutting with your remarks. I dont think it has been a real mistake to involve my children with him. They are happy, healthy and massively loved. That will never change. I like mumsnet. The ability to connect with other people and share thoughts is wonderful. But I do worry that people should think more before they scathe others. You never know how much your words will affect the person on the other end. It could be telling them the thing that pushes them over the edge. Sharing your thoughts, opinions and offering advice is one thing. Tough honest advice is fine but telling someone they have made a real mistake with their own children is a very bold statement. So with the greatest respect. I have to politely disagree.

So it's not on to tell someone online that it's a bad idea to get a relatively new boyfriend in their children's lives but you were all were actually considering moving in with this bloke far from your support network in a house he could kick you out of at any time? Okay, Gem. I was far from the only person to do so .

Ah op, I am sorry the converstation went like that.

You need to remember that an egagment means nothing, so dont be fooled if he agrees. Again many women get themseleves in vulnerable positions with the promise of a wedding. It doesnt happen and then they have no rights to the home or money.

Secondly, what he said about wanting to take the house, doesn't gel with 'he is happy to put me on the deeds'. He isnr going to pay the deposit, the mortgage (mainly) until you are at work full time, the give you half the house equity because you pay some of the mortgage for a bit

Then you have a baby and give up work, work part time? He isnt going to just give you half of the house.

At least you know, what he says isnt nessecarily what he will do.

It’s not necessarily unreasonable not to want marriage and its financial and step parenting obligations after only a year. But it’s very U, given what he’s offering (or not offering), to suggest that you move locations, live in his property where he could kick you all out at any time, and ttc.

What would be his plan for paid work and parenting should you have a DC? I bet he’d plan to continue working FT.

Does he spend time with your DC primarly because you have no free or low cost childcare for dates? Appreciate that childcare is costly, but in the circumstances him spending time with your DC isn’t the best idea.

@FruitcakeOfHate I think you missed the point of my reply but that's okay. As I said. Politely disagreeing that I have already made a real mistake even letting him meet my children. Your view is respected. I just feel a little care over the way we express our views to people isn't undue.

he could then worry I may attempt to take the house if we were to marry first

But if you inherit your fathers house, the same could be said if him, and you’d be debt free

@dozer. Thanks for your reply. He spends time with my boys on arranged planned days. Not everytime we see eachother. We will plan in advance a nice day out. It's not something that's done out of pure necessity. I usually only see him the days my ex has the boys unless we plan something specific with the intention of all spending time together. The time we have spent together has been very good. Nice days out. He accompanied me and my family on holiday in the summer aswell.

Sounds like he revealed his true colours. I know that must hurt, but better now than after you had uprooted yourself.

he pointed out that from his point of view he could then worry I may attempt to take the house if we were to marry first

How telling.

What happened to putting you on the deeds and having a perfect family home? Oh, right, bullshit.

On a separate note, your mother has advised you against emergency housing. Fair enough. But what about going on the waiting list for social housing? That doesn't require you to make yourself homeless.

It sounds like it’d be straightforward to cut right back on his time with your DC. Instead of days out with him you and your DC could meet a friend.

If he was very into you he could easily do things like offer to pay a babysitter so you could go out with him.

Stay put for the time being, another year won't make much difference in the scheme of things. You've not been together very long.

I laughed at your boyfriend thinking 1970s houses are 'old'! My son lives in one and it seems very new and modern-ish. He is forty and marrying later on this year but will move to a better house.

Most people I know prefer 1930s houses (with central heating of course), they've usually been well maintained, modernised, have good sized gardens, garages and drives and are quite solid which you need with young children. I'd take one of those over a new build any day.

I really do think you need to talk about everything affecting your new relationship, including housing, parenthood, your children and your dad, with someone in real life. You say you don't have friends but there may be a local counselling service, some churches offer that (with no religious bias); a properly trained counsellor will listen, ask pertinent questions, be objective and help guide you towards making your own decision on this. It's too important to do anything hasty.

Good luck, I hope all works out.

Well he has told you everything you need to know. He intends the house to be his and he does not want to marry you.

You sound intelligent OP in the way you have asked the right questions and worked out that this is not right. Please take care of yourselves and your children and get rid of this selfish, user of a man.