Moving in with my partner

[Gemlouiski]

Hi everyone.

I'm looking for people to share opinions on my current dilemma as I am so confused and stressed and I have zero people to talk to.

My partner on a year and I have been talking about living together. He is wonderful man. Great with my two boys from my previous relationship and our relationship is fantastic. By far the best one I've ever been in. I love him so much and he says he wants a future of marriage, a child of his own and to be a family all of us together. All things I would love. However the dilemma is this... he owns a house already. A 3 bed terrace in an area that we both acknowledge isn't the nicest place to bring up a family. I however live in a very nice family friendly area but I currently live with my father. Who is retired. Single and cant drive. He doesn't need constant care but I like to be there for him obviously as I hate the thought of him being alone. My eldest boy is happy and settled in a lovely school after a rocky start in his first one and being moved. My littlest is happy at nursery. However my area is quite expensive. My partner is open to moving as he feels we would need a bigger house to live comfortably. But the properties available in my area that are within budget are not to his taste. They are older 70s style houses and he like modern and something aesthetically pleasing. To be fair to him there are hardly any properties available in his budget anyway.

So we started looking down near his family. A nice much cheaper area towards the coast where he can afford a big new build. It's a gorgeous house for sure. Close to his family. However a very long commute for him to work and an hour and a half from my family. Which I wouldnt mind if it werent for the fact my dad cant drive, and has no friends or partner. I am so worried he will be lonely if I live so far. And how I will care for him as he gets older. My other huge worry is of course my eldest. Moving him to a new school again. I'm not sure I can do that to him he is so happy where he is.

So my question is... am I being unreasonable for not wanting to move so far away? I realise my partner is offering us a new life. Beautiful family home and willing to take on a ready made family. But the truth is I would happily live in any property with him as I love him so much I just want us to be a family. But I also still want to be able to be there for my father and I'm petrified of uprooting my children.

Any advice or opinions welcome. Thank you

@singingavacado

You're doing giant leaps, yet again.
You're making it sound like this guy is trying to trap her in a relationship so that she is cut off from anyone?

You really haven't provided any input for a 'solution' that would enable OP to live her life- nearby her father and friends, but also account for her partner needs as well.

Let's just take into account for a minute the sheer cost of moving, puts the house on the market around Brexit and faces the uncertainty of losing money on their property. Paying estate agency fees, mortgage fees, surveyor fees, conveyancing fees, cost to furnish and decorate the property, cost to replace appliances and potentially any repairs that are required etc etc etc. We are talking ££££'s of pounds.

Yet you want to focus on the 'red flags' - look at it from the other perspective. If you were his friends/he wrote a post from his view. Your recommendation would be ENTIRELY different, you wouldn't dare to suggest he was trapping her, nor would you suggest he take a break from his partner for her to make friends. The same applies to him, he's uprooting his life, he's carrying the financial 'burden' or weight of paying for everything. Yet he's showing red flags????

I'm stumped at how you're jumping to these conclusions tbh.

OP, if you are both making major compromises then can it really be right? You are both seeing a "dream" but reality is very, very different.

If you were both single no one would question this but you have children and therefore have greater responsibilities. That is fact. Him moving doesn't involve messing with 2 children lives.

The fact you are not financially independent and have no friends is a big risk as you are vulnerable. Why would you give the man, who until a year ago was a stranger, so much power over his life?

Get yourself independent first which is what idea86 is suggesting.

Could you seek info on benefits as many single mums do manage to rent on their own. I know isn't easy but getting a firm foundation for yourself (i.e a home)will give you more options.

@singingavacado I take all that on board. And I honestly dont feel it's fair people are telling me I'm not listening or not taking on board other peoples opinions. When I have written countless replies now agreeing. Thanking people. Saying I have listened and see their points. What more can I do to convince everyone I am in fact listening and taking everything on board? People are asking me questions and I am answering them. That doesn't mean I not paying attention. I will once again reiterate that I absolutely appreciate everyones time reading and replying. Every opinion is important and carefully read and I will repeat what I have said before that it is a big sign to me that alot of people unanimously agree. I have listened and I am processing it all. I intend to do what's right by my children. I simply wanted to consider everything as faily as possible. Thank you everyone for you help in doing so.

@Idea86 I will say that my partner has a budget of 320k there are 2 or 3 houses available in this budget and they are all round down in the sense that they need boilers replacing. Windows. Have very old kitchens etc. They would need work and he would have no money left to be able to put into the houses. And yes he doesn't like the look of them either which doesnt help him feel particularly confident he would be happy living in a house he hates with no money to work on it. I am just trying to see it from his perspective. Hes willing to do everything else. He would just like to provide a nice family home with plenty of space. If it's notright for my children I wont do it. I will think carefully. I will absolutely take everything on board everyone has said. But i dont feel it's fair of me to not consider his wants when he will be getting himself 200k in debt to do it.

This is a big decision and there is nothing to be lost by waiting 12 months. Or preferably two years. If he is the right man now he will still be the right man then and that additional time will give both of you the chance to be really sure before doing any kind of uprooting.

I strongly advise that you only move in with him after marriage - not before.

OP, what did you think of my idea of pursuing social housing? You would have a home of your own, a secure tenancy and, crucially, an environment that you could control. On the other hand, sorry to bring it up, but are you likely to inherit your father's house in the fullness of time?

Your boyfriend's desires/plans do make me wonder what would happen if you told your him that you might not be able to have another child? Or might not want to, for that matter. I think there is no harm in dropping that possibility into a conversation and seeing how he reacts. A useful test.

What is your job by the way? I really feel that you need more control and more power over your own life and earning more can be a way to achieve this. Can you look into doing further training now, so that in time you can step up your working life?

@MaybeDoctor I am a pharmacy technician. I will have the option of taking on more hours in september. My partner would like to use the help to buy scheme to help him afford a better bigger house and that ends in November so thay is part of the reason why he would like to try and find a suitable place for the future before that opportunity is gone.

My boyfriend is very open to the idea of not being able to have children. His brother is infertile and he naturally has worries he maybe too. If that is the case then he will obviously be upset but he says he would feel extremely lucky to have my two around so he can atleast have a family life. So we have already spoken about this possibility.

Yes I will inherit my fathers house in full one day in the hopefully very distant future.

I have also explored my housing options. I dont currently earn enough to pass affordability checks for renting without applying for housing benefit. And unfortunately in my area... and I am sadly not exaggerating here when I say... landlord will not accept dss. My mother actually works in emergency housing for the council so I am quite fortunate to have someone knowledgable in my life regarding that. She has warned me if I leave my dads and go to the council they will out my anywhere and expect me to change my childs school which is exactly the issue I'm trying to consider now. There is a particular problem. With housing in my area (she actually works with the council for my borough) she has advised me against this quite strongly at the moment.

OP, best thing would be to go and reflect for a few weeks and if you want come back here and tell everyone what where things are going
An Awful lot of people are giving you the ‘world according to me’ treatment. Which gets highly tedious after 7 pages.

So on the basis no one else is likely to have something useful to add, I’d bugger off and think about how the next 3 years might look.

Good luck

@otterhound thank you. I think you may be right. My partner and I have agreed to postpone plans for a little while and just enjoy being together and revisit the options in few weeks. My apologies if my thread has been pinging constantly. I've never used mumsnet before so dont know how it works regarding notifications etc. But thank you for your opinion.

My partner would like to use the help to buy scheme to help him afford a better bigger house and that ends in November so thay is part of the reason why he would like to try and find a suitable place for the future before that opportunity is gone.

After reading all the updates and the above in particular I agree with everyone else. He has his own motives for wanting to buy a house with you.

@peanutbuttermouth I can see what you are saying. And I will think about that carefully. He has made it clear he has no desire to move if we aren't going to settle down together though. He is very happy where he is and he loves his house. He is just concerned without the help to buy top up scheme he couldn't afford a house with enough bedrooms etc for all of us.

If you're your dad's only family, can he move to the new area too and buy/rent a house nearby? He could even rent a flat in an assisted living facility so he could make new friends and be looked after.

@tips this would be a wonderful solution. It's a nicer area and cheaper properties so he could easily get himself a lovely bungalow (practical as he has arthritis and struggles sometimes with stairs) and he could bank alot of money and be more financially secure. I will have to discuss the possibilities with him he currently isn't keen on the idea of moving and the upheaval of it all

I think most pps are missing the fact that your current setup isn't what's best for the boys either. A grandad who smokes in the house with an asthmatic child? And won't help with childcare so you can become more independent? If you have your heart set on living with your partner I'd give it a 6 month trial run in a rented house. He could rent out his own house during that time.

I’m 47 myself had dd at 28 and have been a single mum since she was 2. I’ve seen people in real life rushing into 2nd relationships and more dc, and read loads on here of the difficulties of blending families.

That’s what I based my comments on.

I’m not without life experience far from it.

You won’t be “nearly 40” on my timeline you’d be 36 which is a perfectly good age to have another dc.

“I, personally, think you are back tracking because you realise people have valid points.” I agree

“Many women, find themseleves booted out of their home because it owned by their partner only. Most of them have been told theres no issue going on the deeds. But they never were” also true

@Peanutbuttermouth I absolutely agree that if we do do it a trial run is the best first step

Revisit in a few WEEKS?

You’ve only known this man one year.

If he’s serious about the future he’ll propose marriage and set a date before you and your DC make any major changes that could affect your future housing or schools.

Hi @Gemlouiski.
This was the script link www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1634754-Men-affairs-what-is-the-script. It'd about the midlife crisis

I was thinking more about Red Flags, and thought of the Rosie Duffield speech.

If it seems a bit too much, maybe it is, but if you know what to look for, you will be in a better place to know if it happens to you.

I'm not saying it will, it's just that with your current situation, you are vulnerable.

Revisit in a few weeks?! I'm not sure you've taken anything on board really, but I wish you the best.

He has made it clear he has no desire to move if we aren't going to settle down together though.

He's asking you to commit to settling down together when you've known each other a year. He's made it clear, but it's up to you to decide if it's a commitment you feel ready to make considering your children are your priority.

Honestly I wish you the best but it all sounds way too much way too soon with way too big a risk for everyone but him.

MN hs sometijes strage ideas about timeline and how long you need to be in a relationhsip for it to be 'serious'.
By MN standards, my relationhsipo wasnt serious when I got married to DH

However, there are few things I would do before deciding where to live

• Rent a house together and try living together for a while. Yes you DP is great an great with your own dcs but living together just isnt the same.
• Do NOT move and buy a house together if you arent married first.

I am not as sensitive to 'disturbing the dcs with a move/changing schools' as other posters but I do think it depends on the child. Your dcs have alerady gone though a divorce, have a dad that doesnt seem great in the first place. you need to take that into account.
I also think that yu DP has some rose tinted glasses re the location. The prices might be better and the house might look nicer but a long daily commute will be an issue for him AND for you (aka he wont be here to be involved in the HW, daily running of the house etc...).
And being 1h30 from your dad might well be an issue too if you can forsee caring responsibilities in a near future.

Apart from the look of the houses, is there anything else that stops your DP from moving close to where you are?
Anything that will make it harder or is it JUST about the house`?
If it is, I would tell him to job. H ecant ask you and your dcs to make that level of sacrifices just for a slightly bigger house.

I would NOT ask your dad to move into a bungalow in the other area,.

This would mean you, your dcs AND your dad making sacrifices for your DP. All well and good IF you are sure that the relationhsip will last but you havent actually lived together yet. Things might be quite different than what you envisaged. If this doent work, you'll end up stuck somewhere that wasnt your choice, your dad stuck there and with no house to fall back on as your dad will only have bungalow.
You would be making yourself very vulnerable imo.

@YasssKween for the record when I said revisit in a few weeks. I wasnt implying that I would know him so much better in that amount of time. I simply meant its become a stressful topic so we have decided to put a pin in it for a little while and just spend some nice easy going time together before we talk about it further.

@Amaretto you make some very good points and I agree that my father moving wouldnt be a good idea unless everything was water tight secure.

Aside of the houses not being what he desires the other compromises would be a longer commute to work (however nowhere near as long as the location he is proposing) and he would then be 1hr30 away from his family. He also has elderly parents he feels he will need to care for in the not to distant future.

So an update for you all. And this will go down like a lead balloon I am sure....

I approached the subject of atleast being engaged before I would feel comfortable doing that. As I feel people have raised that as a very good point and i feel it would be a reasonable condition. Well he was less than impressed. He didnt react badly as such.... but he simply said 'i dont want to feel held to ransome'.... not entirely sure what to make of that. He asked my why I thought that would give me more security. . . And I explained that I obviously would be living in a home that wasnt my own etc and he pointed out that from his point of view he could then worry I may attempt to take the house if we were to marry first. Neither of us actually think the other would do this but the point is theoretically it could happen. So yes... not sure how I feel... a little upset perhaps that there seems no room to compromise even with his scenario. I am starting to feel as if he has this picture of what he wants and how he wants it and that actually... he isn't particularly open to meeting me halfway... anywhere.

Surely your dad is helping you with childcare in the sense that the roof over your head in a good area is down to him?? He doesn’t have to babysit
, surely. As things stand you and he are both benefiting from all living together..

As things stand, where and how you live works well for your family. If this boyfriend was decent father material he’d understand that this is more important than having a nice new build over a 70s house (that could surely be done up?). If he really can’t see this and compromise then he’s not Mr Right for you. You might be younger than him, but you’ve got a more mature life situation in that you’ve got commitments and other dependent family members whose needs must be seriously considered and may take precedence over yours while they’re at school.

Just seen your update- I think you’re right, he is very self centred. It doesn’t mean that he might come round, but it does underline the fact that you’re better off staying where you are and standing your ground until you’re more sure of him and how he works. It doesn’t mean the relationship will falter, you just need stronger foundations before you move in together.