The Happy Singleton - All welcome!

[SirChing]

Hello, following a thread where I discussed how happy and excited I was to have consciously decided to be single for 2020, it seems there are loads of us out there: People who are single through choice and happy about it.

Some plan on being single forever, some for a shorter time, but none of us are dating or want to date at the moment. We are too busy focusing on the important things in life: us!

This is a thread for anyone who wants to join it, to support and encourage each other, to discuss what we have or hope to learn by being single, and to discuss random practical stuff, like which companies don't charge single supplements for holidays.

Come on in and pull up a chair if you fancy a chat.

Happy 2020 all

37 here and i honestly can't be arsed with dating ever again. I just miss the sex as have a high sex though even getting a decent bonk these days is a challenge After many attempts at online dating i have decided to stay single and that actively dating and looking for a relationship makes me miserable. Better to be single than settle.

I also meant to add that my divorce present to myself was a beautiful hand-made king-sized French bed. In a reverse engagement ring idea, I spent around 2.5 months' salary on it and it is a thing of beauty. I rarely get to sleep in it alone though, as my DD and cats have also recognised it as a thing of beauty! A lover or two has briefly been allowed in it over the years but they have never been invited to stay over.

Thank you so much ladies (and gents). I really needed this. A post celebrating all the positives of being single has reminded me of all the reasons I chose to leave my 16 year marriage!
I’ve been separated for over a year, dds are 8,9 and 16. I have a fWB who is someone I work with. He’s very honest and unfront about the fact he doesn’t want a relationship which is good because I adore him but couldn’t be in a relationship with him!
This year I need to focus on being happy as a single woman when most of my friends seem coupled up. Not going to lie, my STBxH was a great earner and the financial stuff is hard. But he’s very fair and we’re ok.
I do feel lonely though, I have great friends and a successful career but it’s tough at times. How do you deal with it? Or is it something you just learn to live with?

@Bellabluea I see it like this: being in a bad relationship is a two way street, I allowed it to happen, most probably because I have ‘issues’ that need looking at. So the ‘lonely’ time is better off spent healing and growing out of it.
We seek validation in a partner, it’s more than just the companionship, it’s almost like we’re expecting the other to make up for our shortfalls, to give us what we are lacking. I’m spending this year looking at what I am lacking/missing and self care. Licking my wounds as my gran would say :)

@Bellabluea without wanting to sound patronising, because it does take a while to get used to - but at the end of the day, you decide whether it's loneliness or happiness that all these things we have all mentioned mean to you.

@Bellabluea without meaning to get too personal... how does your fwb work? I have a ahem, needs, and it'd be nice for them to be met. How did that arrangement evolve? Had you been dating him, did he approach you, did you approach him? I think my male colleagues in my very beige workplace would probably run to HR if I made an advance!

@mildlymiffed we basically had a moment on a works night out. He’s a very independent, confirmed bachelor so to speak. Likes the freedom of being single and is very open about that. It’s perfect although he can blow hot and cold I just ignore him and he comes back.
I know I’m not ready for a relationship. Much like you @BuddhaAtSea, I feel that I allowed my marriage to fail. My ex isn’t a bad man he’s just Meh - for want of a better word. If he’d fought for me I’d possibly still be with him but he’s just not like that. I’ve been with him since I was 21 and I’m now 40. I think the loneliness is in terms of the children. My teenage dd has ASD and she’s exhausting. It’s hard dealing with her alone.

I don't care if I never have sex again, but then I'm 59, so that might be a contributing factor. Last XP treated me like a sex doll and put absolutely no emotion into things at all and I think I've had aversion therapy, because even the idea of sex makes me shudder.

And I like coffee cake! Best cake ever - especially if walnuts are involved! Send a slice over here - I'm busy decluttering in preparation for moving from my (rented 26 years) four bed into a two bed cottage that I am buying by myself (with inheritance from my lovely, sadly deceased, mum). It's a house every man I've ever known would have turned his nose up at (no driveway, terrace, downstairs bathroom) but I LOVE it and can't wait to get in!

All previous men would have had 'plans' as to how to spend my inheritance, usually involving things for them. This house will be mine, all mine and done EXACTLY as I want it.

I’ve been single since September and have a 3 year old DS. Was in relationship with his father for 9 years, had a slightly mad 9 months of singledom before that, and before that had been with high school sweetheart for 9 years! Last relationship was not a healthy one and I know I need to do a lot of work on myself before I even think about another relationship, but I’ve always had crushes on people and think I’m addicted to it, so finding the prospect of voluntary celibacy difficult! (Work full time and live with my parents, so it’s not ideal circumstances for dating anyway!)

I've been single for a while now and I cant see that changing anytime soon. I'm happy, I'm independent and I don't really have time for a relationship now either. Plus, I'm very close to my daughter so i'm making to most of it been just us before she goes off to Uni.

Does anyone think that the happiness with being single is age dependant?

It probably isn't, but hear me out. When I was left as a single parent to five kids, I was content, but not happy, and remarried. But it was tough being on my own with five kids under the age of eleven, and I craved adult company. Now they are all grown up and have left home I find I'm happy without other adults around.

So does the kids/no kids or the under 40/over 40 thing have anything to do with the happiness to be alone?

Zaphod this is true for me. When I left my abusive ex (DC Dad) I was only 28 and desperate to get back into another relationship. I was incredibly lonely as I spent a lot of evenings alone when my children were in bed, so I couldn't go out much. Being a single Mum to two, very young children was hard work, I was working, but money was very tight.

I met someone else and we moved into together, but I quickly realised I missed my freedom and independence. Since we separated in 2015, I've never been happier, but I much easier this time round. I'm 44, my DC are in their late teens and pretty self sufficient. I'm in a much better position financially, so have the money to do more things. I also think I've changed as I've got older. I'm much more comfortable in myself and happy on my own. Getting a dog also made a huge difference, I never feel lonely!

Thanks for the response Violet. And I so agree about the dog! Wouldn't be without mine.

@VioletCharlotte
sweaty snoring male 😂😂😂

Love this and so true! Lack of snoring is such a benefit.

So does the kids/no kids or the under 40/over 40 thing have anything to do with the happiness to be alone?

I think age is a factor, being younger you may still have the "happy ever after" dream and you don't know yourself. After a few poor relationships you realise happiness comes from within and it is better being alone than unhappily coupled up. As your children get older there is less physical effort involved in caring so life can be easier.

I know that in my 20s& 30s I didn't have the knowledge to be in good relationships.

The only thing I miss a partner for is holiday especially sharing the planning & prep.

I am single a couple of years, can't see OLD working for me and I haven't met suitable men (met lots of unsuitable men!) as my bar is now pretty high. I think good men stay in relationships and generally women work harder in long term relationships so the available men come with red flags such as addictions, including hobbies, emotionally unavailable, cock lodgers, not house trained and unfaithful. When I have ruled out these factors the pool of men in my age range (late 40s) is very small so chances of meeting a good man who is single at the same time in an area close to me is very unlikely.

So does the kids/no kids or the under 40/over 40 thing have anything to do with the happiness to be alone?

I don't know. Probably not for me but probably for some people (which is the most on the fence answer ever )

My marriage ended when I was 33 with one child. I absolutely know now looking back that marriage/relationships arent for me. Don't get me wrong, I don't actually regret it but I wish it had been more socially acceptable to go it alone when I was starting out, you know?

I simply have no interest in being in a relationship - there seems to be no recommending factors to it. I firmly believe you should only change your life if the change will add to it - a relationship wouldn't.

Can I join? I'm 41 and have been single for quite some time. Embarrassingly enough, I've only ever been in two relationships, both somewhat short lived.
Due to family circumstances, I missed out on most of my teenage years and my early to mid 20s (thanks Mum!). After that I seemed to have lost connection with most people of my age group.
Moved to the UK and had the two relationships, and a few ONS in between with a guy I met through a social group I was part of. He wasn't relationship material, we had a great sexual chemistry, but that was it. He's since left the UK for his native country.

Since then, nothing, I am happy by myself, can do what I want, when I want and go on holidays where I want. Also, having the bed to myself is heaven.
I think, my upbringing has left me with some emotional baggage, that I would not want to inflict on others.
Without being to personal, but what do you do to satisfy your needs? I don't really like OLD and a FWB would not work as all my male friends are in relationships, married or gay. Maybe I'm getting a bit desperate atm.

Hi Sister...like I said above, I don't care if I never have sex again. Might be my age, might be the 'aversion therapy' from the last XP, but the very thought of sex makes me ragey.

There's always the good old vibrator if it all gets too much!

@Zaphodsotherhead I was 32 when I divorced. DC were 7&4 I was adamant I would never live with a man again. Everyone kept saying "but you will one day" "it's a long time to be single" "you're too young to say that". And here I am...

Love this thread!
Newly single out of a 2.5yr relationship, it's been a hell of a week or so but I think I'm coming out the other end.

He was a man child and I'm actually financially better off on my own in my own place. I loved what I thought I had not what I actually had. He dumped me not in the best way attached with other things but I know deep down it's a blessing in disguise.

I think it will take time to trust again, There's always been another women in the picture for my last three relationships. I think I need a big word with myself and get my ass back on form.

One thing I told myself before I met my ex and I stand by it is - you can't be happy with somebody else unless your happy on your own!

I'm 27 next week and dreading my birthday, I'm too young to not find somebody one day right? I don't mean now but in the future?

@Zaphodsotherhead personally not for me, I was 23 when I split with my DS's dad and haven't wanted a relationship since. I'm turning 30 this year.

But to be fair I did the whole marriage and children thing very young, so I'm enjoying the freedom that I didn't have in my teens and early 20s.

I think for me it was partly age . I have definitely got wiser and more self confident with age so better at spotting bullshit and inequality and no concerns about how I appear to other people because I’m single.

It’s funny thinking about this again but one of my top realisations after the split was how I always put my partner/husband at the centre of my life instead of myself and I wanted to try and change that. I think if I’d understood that in those days I probably would have made more of a success of relationships.

I think someone has already said there is a lot to be said for good relationships but in general the price tag is too high imo

It took me years to discover what asexuality meant and to realise I am 100% asexual. I have never been attracted to another person.
I've been married twice because it was what everyone did and have one adult DS.
Now with my sexuality finally sorted out I live alone with my cat perfectly happily and have no desire to live with anyone else ever again.
Ace doesn't mean no sex drive, I have one but choose not to exercise it with another person as the attraction isn't there.

Good evening everyone! I am a pretty happy lady as I have had a couple of FWB offers and am meeting up with one of them for coffee tomorrow. He is well aware that I don't want a relationship, and his work life means he doesn't either. He is, however, sexy as hell and makes me weak at the knees. So will be perfectly fine to scratch that particular itch.

I am bloody loving being able to manage my own budget without it being wrecked by someone else. Its so nice to be able to live within my means and prioritise in a way that I want to.

Zaphod - the coffee cake did have walnuts (which looked like brains!). Sadly, my mum sacrificed herself and ate it so none left now.

I hope everyone has had a good day. Mine has been bloody busy but satisfying. I shall let you all know how tomorrow's coffee goes! Wish me luck.

Can I join? 6 months into my new single life. I ended my marriage for various reasons. hard decision and still feel terrified Ive made the wrong one especially when Im lonely but I can categorically state I NEVER want to date again. I guess I fell into the familiar and the view that nobody would love me like he did. I usually think of him in the middle of the night and feel quite low but if he turned up tomorrow I would still say no. I think I have reached the realisation that I am just not cut out for r'ships. I cannot bear the thought of living with anyone again. Likewise having sex again. Reading this thread gives me some comfort as there are others who also feel the same. I felt like a freak for a while but as the dust starts to settle I can see if has been 100% the right decision. Just wish the loneliness wasn't so hard to bear.

Men. Vastly over rated in my opinion. Divorced 14 years ago. Love having my house just how I want it. Also decided this is a me year and have a dog 🐕