The Happy Singleton - All welcome!

[SirChing]

Hello, following a thread where I discussed how happy and excited I was to have consciously decided to be single for 2020, it seems there are loads of us out there: People who are single through choice and happy about it.

Some plan on being single forever, some for a shorter time, but none of us are dating or want to date at the moment. We are too busy focusing on the important things in life: us!

This is a thread for anyone who wants to join it, to support and encourage each other, to discuss what we have or hope to learn by being single, and to discuss random practical stuff, like which companies don't charge single supplements for holidays.

Come on in and pull up a chair if you fancy a chat.

Happy 2020 all

@Lifegoes I have had counselling after my marriage failed as I couldn't cope with the guilt and feeling like a failure. It has helped a bit but I think I need to deal with my deep rooted childhood issues which is why its better for me to be single for a while.

@Misty9 the children used to stay with exh every Wednesday overnight and EOW Saturday morning to Sunday evening. My daughter has swimming lessons on Wednesday after school which exh used to take her to. He is now changing the arrangement and only wants to see the children EOW. I will have to request to change my working pattern to be able to pick daughter up from school and take her to her swimming lessons on Wednesdays. Its manageable in the greater scheme of things, but I am just pissed off that he agreed to the arrangement so he can get a bigger portion of the financial settlement and now he is changing it when it suits him.

Tbh @Maturewine78 that's what I'm using mine for now and it's been amazing. The inner child work was an eye opener. Whilst I had an abusive relationship over 15 years ago. And a few bad dating experiences last year. The rest as been ok. But a lot of my issues come from my childhood and it's good to work through those.

Hello all - can't believe how far this thread has come, feels like I looked away and now it's nearly full. Anyway I've been ill for a couple of weeks and dealing with builders and ... I'm just tired of being bloody resilient all the time! It's pathetic, I'm an ass-busting coping type and that's what's seen me through the whole divorce and moving house etc. But I really miss having someone here to share this stuff. Friends are fine but I'm bored of moaning at people about the minutiae of life! Maybe I should just tell the cat.

@Maturewine78 I am DEFINITELY not sorted! I get MH issues and have all manner of scary crap going on in life. Therapy helped loads. And writing my thoughts and feelings down helped too. What I did find is that I struggle to make any kind of breakthrough with childhood issues within a relationship. It takes so much mental space that I needed to be single to do it. So it's all smoke and mirrors I am afraid! I am exactly like you with friendships too. None of us has life sorted, I don't think. But it's the getting sorted and learning that gives life meaning and helps us to grow.

@fresh - you can always tell us. It's a ballache when the world sees you as capable, and you ARE capable, but it's just so bloody tiring always being the one who is. Sometimes I just want someone else to take over and deal with stuff. But then I felt exactly the same in my marriage, but more frustrated because he could have taken over but it was easier to leave it to me. No surprise then that since my marriage, I have since tended to date men who are quite capable and a bit dominant in some ways!

Oh I know that feeling of always being resilient and strong. I'm proud of what I've achieved since I've been single again but it's just very tiring too. I have anxiety and depression at times so I need to completely switch off at times and put myself first. Having said that, not having a man child about who never deals with his own issues has helped me

@sirching it's such a barrier when people see you as capable - I don't feel I can say 'help'! Plus I feel pathetic if I do, and probably don't make it clear that I'm struggling. I contacted a friend (admittedly quite a busy one) to go for a cuppa and our time was spent dealing with her son, or her talking about very abstract stuff, or walking round a market, and I just wasn't able to say 'I feel a bit crap actually'.

Right, well here goes. I'm panicking because I've spent money doing up my new kitchen (which I know is an investment and will pay back when I sell in a couple of years); there's water coming in the kitchen and the house is 3 weeks past where I can just ring the developer to come and fix it so I'd have to go through the NHBC and I. Can't. Be. Bothered. to deal with them so that's going to be more money; I need to analyse my spending and put my son's rent up but I can't bear to look at it; I need a job but I'm too old and no-one wants me; I'm trying to put together at least three separate side hustles to earn money but I haven't got the energy for any of them; I've got a gig with my band coming up and we're training a dep drummer who seems to think he's our musical director (er, no mate, just do your job); and...and... my ExMIL, who I get on with very well, has a big birthday coming up and I just won't be able to go if ExH and his new GF are there, which they will be.

Phew. Thanks for listening! I don't expect answers to any of these, by the way, most of them are just random life crap!

So agree 're childhood. You just don't realise how much it has shaped you. I was always taught to put up with my sister's awful behaviour as my parents were scared of her. And guess what this also made me put up with a load of crap in relationships. Didn't realise until I started counselling.

@fresh that all sounds SHITE! huge hugs and wine Its ok to ask for help. And ok to go and have a little cry somewhere. In circumstances like that, I write down the next thing I have to do to sort out each problem, plan when I am going to do it, and then try to put it from my mind. You can't do more than you can do. Asking for help is really not a weakness.

@Accidentalaccountant - I agree. It affects us in a myriad of ways which seem unrelated at first, but then stepping back and seeing the big picture shows it all.

@Mulberry974 Ugh, being with a man-child is such a drag isn't it? My exH was like it. Its only now we have split that other members of my family have realised what he is like. Life is much easier without having to "manage" him too.

@SirChing absolutely. The thing with my ex is that he is a practical, capable person but emotionally incapable. It wasn't until we split up that I realised that I was always managing things emotionally for him and making excuses for him being anti social.

@Mulberry974 that sounds like a huge drain and massive turnoff!

My goodness, I can't believe how many messages since I last looked

@SirChing Firstly, the 'worry' time is definitely a great idea, though 30 minutes is far too generous, I'll let him have 5seriously though, after reading that, I have tried to 'park' him somewhere else until his time is due. Thanks so much for that idea!

I think however strong we all appear, we are all 'suffering' in our own ways. Being two does not mean you wouldn't be having issues/thoughts/feelings like singletons do.

Someone (sorry so many messages) mentioned the 'inner child' which my friend and I spoke about the weekend, I really need to explore this as I'm sure my childhood has a lot to do with the way I am. Such a people pleaser/appeaser, get so anxious about how I come across to people.

Does anyone feel they want to isolate themselves at times?

Please forgive me for not commenting individually, please rest assured I have read you all! This thread moves too fast 😁
Happy birthday to our two lovelies! Hope your days have been fun and peaceful!

@fresh, find and read ‘Daring greatly’ by Brenee Brown :)

I recognise a lot of your struggles. By no means is it easy. As @fresh said, so much stuff to do!!!
Last week au was struggling to muster the mental energy to deal with new poo bags for the dog, ffs, how hard can it be? But I just could not be bothered!! Just used the last one, I’ll use sandwich bags tomorrow 😂😂😂😂

I am seeing a friend tomorrow for coffee (in the morning), then counselling, then gym. And poo bags!🤣🤣🤣

Thanks all. To be fair, these are all things I had to deal with when H was around, but than I had to pussyfoot around him so he didn’t Feel Undermined by me. So, there’s a silver lining.....!

@Itsallpointless Yes, sometimes I feel.like I want to hide away. But I have always liked lots of time alone and prefer socialising in small groups than big groups. It can also mean I am about to get depression again so I keep a close eye. Havr you had that? It can be an early symptom.

Glad you are finding "parking" your ex helpful. Shame you can't park him permanently down a well or somewhere, but until you feel indifferent to him, giving him firm boundaries in your brain can only help.

@Fresh it must feel weird doing stuff without your ex banging on about it. Him doing that must really have knocked your confidence. It's also a way of him saying "I can sort it out even if you get it wrong". So even though he was a pain in the arse, maybe in some level you knew you had backup from him (even if it was shite!). And now he isn't there being "helpful", it must be difficult. He was a cockwomble wasn't he?

@SirChing I haven't had depression as such, just get quite low. Like you, I prefer small groups, even121 really, I get overwhelmed with too many people, though people wouldn't think I do. Funny, I think people see me as the strong confident typelittle do they know what's lurking under the surface..I'm giving this man too much power, so I'm going to limit the worry time to every other day!

Like @BuddhaAtSea sorry for not commenting individually, I have also read them all.

@Itsallpointless Are you me? I am exactly the same. I come across as confident, but being in big groups drains me. I think I am just an introvert. I could happily go for days without speaking to anyone. It wouldn't bother me at all.

As long as your thinking time is realistic and achievable, and works for you, then all is good.

I too don't always reply to everyone. But I read and really value every post. This is the best mumsnet thing I have ever done and it has helped me more than you could ever know xxx

The puberty quote cracked me up

They do get a bit more human again into the late teens and early twenties so there is hope haha.

And I am also curious about the holidays for one. I have been with just the dc and I, but I am not sure that is what you mean Screaming.

I am a bit envious of the all groups and things that you have available for you to join. I am not in the UK and we don't really have anything nearby. And I feel like I need to get out there and meet new people. I have two friends who both recently divorced, but to be honest they will do anything to swing the conversation around to them every time, so I think I need to widen my circle a bit. I am getting a bit bored in the evening, i can't actually believe i typed that as I have such a busy dd, she keeps me busy by being busy iyswim. But its a bit mundane, fetching carrying etc.

And. About 3 years ago when I was still separated, for a laugh a friend made me an account on Tinder (a generic photo and not my real name sort of thing) which lasted a whole two weeks before I deleted it. But during that time there was one chap whom I swapped numbers with and during all these years he will send a hello message, maybe a song and its was all very short, sweet and polite. We never met. For eg. he sends me a song. I say thank you. He replies, its a pleasure. Maybe a month later rinse and repeat. . Anyway in the last week or so we upscaled to a how are you type of chat. Now he has asked if I think it is maybe time to actually meet. I said ok. But nothing more has happened since haha. I don't want to date. I just came out of my post divorce relationship of a year, 4 weeks ago. But I do want to meet new people and possibly have another friend. So if I agree to having a drink, am I giving the wrong impression?? Do I say yes drinks will be nice on Saturday (or whenever the conversation gets to that point haha) but I am not looking for a relationship. Or do I just go and say it when I meet him. Argh talk about overthinking things!!

Right, excuse the being very very late to the party there with my last thread.

The thread has moved so fast since my last post that it went onto page 2 and I missed a whole chunk

i will catch up in the meantime

Eeek.

He asked me out on Saturday night. The conversation from how are you moved on quite fast.

I said yes and we finally agreed on a place near me.

I am not sure how i feel about this to be honest. He seems very nice, and clearly doesn't rush into things

Still don't know whether to go with the not looking for anything more than friendship atm. Maybe just fwb? Am i wrong for going with this attitude though?

Apologies I haven't rtft but it looks like I'm joining your crew....so grateful I found this thread, thanks OP!

Consciously also to remain single from now on (have 1&2 year old Dd's), my minds a bit scrambled but I'm going to put every effort into being positive and happy this year- literally starting from scratch in a new city also - all a bit daunting but know it's for the best-

(Now going back to rtft! Think I'm needing a handhold...)

Welcome to the crew @Taddda since I joined this thread I've felt there is always a handhold available. I'm trying to start this new year being more positive too

@Taddda. Good name. Welcome 👋

Welcome @Taddda wow, lots of change for you! Handhold here if you need it. And Iike the term 'consciously single' ☺️ I'll use that from now on I think

Is anyone else making pancakes this evening?

Welcome @Taddda such big changes for you. But what a wonderful way to look at it. Always here to hold hands of support. I've only recently joined and everyone is so supportive ❤️

I've made pancakes for my son. Doesn't matter how old he gets, he still wants his mum to make him pancakes (he's 21 btw ha)

Hello you gorgeous lot! Sorry I've been a bit awol. Work has been a beast lately. That and parenting! Wouldn't have time for a fella even if I wanted one!!

Whoever said we sound sorted on here... pssssst... the illusion is working! I'm as f@&ked up as the next one. Grew up as an expatriate child and ended up at boarding school at 11... that gives a person serious attachment issues I promise you! I had my fair share of counselling too when dh did the dirty. Was couples counselling, but I value those two years of reflection massively.

But hey, tomorrow is Wednesday... and my son's bday! Another piscean in the mix.

Welcome to @Taddda we'll look after you here my lovely! @sirching has set up this fabulous place, and I've never felt so included and understood on MN ever before!

@buddhaatsea ... I went running again today... 🏃‍♂️ this may even become a habit!