The Happy Singleton - All welcome!

[SirChing]

Hello, following a thread where I discussed how happy and excited I was to have consciously decided to be single for 2020, it seems there are loads of us out there: People who are single through choice and happy about it.

Some plan on being single forever, some for a shorter time, but none of us are dating or want to date at the moment. We are too busy focusing on the important things in life: us!

This is a thread for anyone who wants to join it, to support and encourage each other, to discuss what we have or hope to learn by being single, and to discuss random practical stuff, like which companies don't charge single supplements for holidays.

Come on in and pull up a chair if you fancy a chat.

Happy 2020 all

Ooh @SirChing that's one for the wishlist 😶

So glad to have found this thread waves helllo been single for 12 months and I quite like it I'm not keen to find a replacement I just wish friends etc would accept that I'm happy as I am

Morning everyone. .

@BuddhaAtSea - you are inspiring not boring. My exercise is running baths and jumping to conclusions. That's about it I am gradually getting up and about more though so will start exercising. I think my muscles have wasted after being stuck in bed for so long.

Re whether relationships always affect you, I think it depends. If there is something positive to learn from the relationship ending, like don't try to "save" people who make no attempt to save themselves, then it's good if that stays with you forever. Some things that are negative though, would be awful if they stayed. Like @Itsallpointless ex making her feel crap.

It's obvious from thr outside looking in, that it's not @Itsallpointless who should feel worthless but the new lady. Your ex still holds a candle for you pointless, hence the CD etc, and his new woman is clearly so he doesn't have to be alone. Which means she could be just anyone.

If You still feel worthless in a month or two, it may be a good idea to seek some counselling. To help you see the situation the way that others do. You have (luckily) dumped him. He still loves you, and has 'transferred' that love onto the first woman he meets. But the love isn't for her. It's for you. So it's she who should feel worthless if she knew what was going on. Please don't let him ruin your confidence. The new woman is because he can't cope without you, not because of her. She could be anyone. Honestly

You know, thinking about it, it seems like such a bad idea to date unless we have a really positive self esteem and firm idea of our worth. If we had those, then it would be much harder for a man to be able to put us down. And we would work out that he was trying to, and dump, much sooner.

It's so sad, isn't it, that so many of us seek validation from our partner rather than ourselves. Unless the guy is perfect, and they never are, why do we let partners have such an influence on our self esteem? If I ever date again in the future, I am determined that instead of worrying what he thinks of me, I am first going to think whether he is perfect enough for me to let him his opinion hold any away. And anyone who puts me down will be dumped anyway. They either think the sun shines out my arse exactly as I am, in all my non perfect glory, or they piss off. I quite like me, so I am not changing for a bloke. If he doesn't like aspects of me, he can always end it. I don't see why anyone should be expected to change for a partner.

Ooooh that was a rant. Sorry!

@undercoveraessedai From my experience, it has changed me as a person. Although not all negative, I've realised how resilient I am and how much I'm capable of. Hope you have a lovely birthday

@freeingNora You mentioned your friends - are they constantly trying to matchmake or just not understanding you being happy single? My brother in law told me that I 'couldn't possibly stay single'.

@mulberry974 what a lovely way to look at it - I am taking that on board :)

@freeingNora welcome!!

Today , I'm having a duvet day, watching tv in bed because it's my birthday, having a glass of wine, could never have done that when with ex!

I've walked the dog . And that it ! Did all housework yesterday so today could be a lazy day with fizz , rubbish telly and laying in bed! Bliss!

@mrsradley Happy Birthday ! Enjoy your day. You’ve done the dog walking - exercise in my book- and now hit the duvet. Marvellous stuff. The outside world is storms and viruses so you’re doing the right thing by miles. I think we all should have a national duvet day. You think Bojo would go for it?

@freeingNora hello there. You’re friends will get used to you being single. I don’t drink (now I’m old) - loads of people know I don’t drink so I get tons of soft drinks bought for me, they won’t let me buy a round though I usually can pursade them Otherwise . My point is they get used it it. Stop asking the why's and wherefores.

I’m a bit sorry for myself today. Busying myself but it’s hard to escape your own thoughts when you’re on your own. Ifswim

@mrsradley Happy birthday 💐

@freeingNora - welcome! Hopefully your friends will get used to the idea in time. Well, they don't have much alternative, do they?

@mrsradley Happy birthday! Hurray for fellow Pisces! Wine & tv in bed sounds lush, I approve muchly.

@Upyerbum70 sending hugs - do you ever listen to podcasts? I whack them on when my thoughts are all a bit much and it seems to force my brain to switch off a bit :)

Hey all hope you have all had a great weekend. I agree with everything you said @SirChing mainly because I noticed that with myself. I went with the wrong guys, because they gave me validation on my insecurities, so I ignored the red flags, until it was too late. When I ended it, I still blamed myself, or I would question 'why couldn't I just tolerate certain things' why wasn't I good enough. but the truth is, through therapy. I've realised if I had better self worth, I would never have allowed these guys to get near me.

I read a good blog on post male syndrome about raising our standards and sticking to our boundaries. When we start doing it, We hurt, because it feels lonely, it feels wrong. We perhaps don't like being rude and feel guilty. And that actually the more we keep to boundaries we increase our self worth. But also have less choice. Sorry I'm rambling 🤦🏻‍♀️ but great read and I agree with you.

Oh how lovely @Mulberry974 of them to say. I get asked all the time 'how are you single' 'you can't be single' I feel like saying "oh sorry, yeah you are right. I've got him hidden in my purse 2 secs

@mrsradley happy birthday 🥳 sounds like a great day. I love days like that.

Oh @Upyerbum70 big hugs. I often put on an easy to watch boxset to help me switch off.

@SirChing Your rant was perfectly formed. After a whole bloody year of dating, from Jan to Oct, I learnt to be so impenetrable. I’ve done most of the ‘thanks but no thanks’ conversations. Mr Jewish worked so hard at showing me he had good intentions. And I made him wait, made him aware of my boundaries etc. I was absolutely not a pushover- he bought me some cookery books, bought me flowers on a post Xmas visit and weekends at His house felt like a mini spa break. He was good hearted and I genuinely felt it was easy and no sign of any flags. He was adorable - even if I looked rubbish, he’d be kind. Hence why I feel so hacked off and confused post dumping. Men . Grrrrr.

I apologise for going on and on. I bore myself.

@lifegoes that's really interesting and I agree with you. The blog sounds good. I get what you mean about having a narrower pool to fish from, but because we have weeded out loads of the bad ones beforehand.

Any woman could get a date with a bloke within 20.mins. That's not hard to do (you just need confidence and thick skin). But the fact is, that man probably won't be someone who is good for you. Finding men is easy. Finding the right man, much harder. And I just can't be arsed now.

@Upyerbum70 Don't apologise! You aren't going on and on. And you certainly aren't boring!

Mr Jewish may have been lovely in 95% of ways. But the 5%, which made him not think about how much religious differences meant to him BEFORE getting involved with someone, is indicative of someone who is either self absorbed or thoughtless. I would bet that his self image as a "nice guy" is very important to him, hence why he did all those little touches. But a true nice guy would never have pursued someone that they knew they couldn't have a future with.

Someone once said to me. If a drink was 95% nectar but 5% shit, you wouldn't still drink it. Because that 5% taints everything. I think Mr Jewish's 5% thoughtlessness would have gradually permeated more and more of your relationship.

Please don't see it as a reflection on you. In fact, how can his religious preferences be a comment on you in any way? Aside from the fact that he found you so fab that he wanted to be with you any way despite knowing it wouldn't work. So it says positive stuff about you, and that he is thoughtless and lies to himself about what matters. Which says bad stuff about him.

@SirChing (thank you - I like the 5% shit comment).

Finding men is easy. Finding the right man, much harder. And I just can't be arsed now.

This. With knobs on. I’ve totally had enough.

But (sorry thread dwellers) I still prefer the company of others and not my own solitude. I enjoy the people I meet every day but miss the depth of feeling and intimacy of a lover. Why is it so freaking hard. Good night everyone.

@Upyerbum70 Don't ever apologise for what you need! I reckon a FWB might do you the world of good at the moment. Night night x

Love that post about the 5% I've never thought of that way @SirChing

Don't apologise @Upyerbum70 I'm sorry I don't know much about Mr Jewish and why that ended. But from what I've gathered him doing all of that and still ending it, just shows what type of man he is. It's amazing these days the effort men will go to, even when they have no intentions of taking it further. That's not a reflection on you, they are emotionally unavailable.

Right now you are breaking a habit and it takes 21-28 days to fully break a habit. So be kind to yourself. X

@SirChing His new love has no idea he is lying and deceitful, she is being showered with attention for sure. Whether he still holds a candle, or he just gets off on having a 'secret' I'll never know, nor want to. I have to remember the reasons I finished it, and keep reminding myself. I just want to be able to be at peace with everything, I didn't want him, so I just want to be content with my decision, not keep thinking she's more worthy than me, that's just all my insecurities and low self esteem rising to the surface and what makes me feel so rubbishIt's about time I sorted myself outAnd it's very cathartic to vent/rant, aren't we lucky to have a safe place here in which to do it!

@mrsradley happy belated birthday

@Upyerbum70 I think I'd be very confused by Mr Jewish to be honest, you really do seem to have had the rug pulled from underneath your feet. Like pp have said though, it really is about him, not you. It sounds like he doesn't really know who he is re his religion. I don't think you've heard the last from him though, but equally don't hang about either. Bloody hard

Happy Monday all, at least the wind has stopped howling here!

Morning all. I was going to post some moany me me guff about a man... But I've just read the whole thread and now feel buoyed up again by all the amazing single women on here so thank you. I'll now get up, have a shower then go and see my best friend, then another friend and her newish baby, then an afternoon to myself before dinner with another friend this evening! Men can guff off

Happy Monday all

@Itsallpointless Why not try having a worry time about him? So tell yourself you are only allowed to think about him at say 8pm for half an hour, and banish all thoughts of him throughout the day as soon as they appear. Your low self esteem thoughts aren't true. If thoughts were facts, I would have shagged every member of Take That! Our brains spew out all manner of crap all the time. We can choose not to listen to it, or to listen later. It could make you feel more in control perhaps?

@Misty9 Exactly! Good on you! Whilst men take over our brains, we are giving them far too much power in our lives. And we haven't even got the good bits of being in a relationship with them. Fuck that for a game of soldiers!

Good morning all.

We have snow here 🙄. Hope everyone is feeling good for a Monday.

@SirChing @upyerbum70 [love your username] @lifegoes you all sound so put together and positive. I wish I felt like that as my feelings go up and down in cycles. I was feeling down in the dumps last few days as ExH is playing up again changing childcare arrangements. My sister came to visit with her children which helped a bit. I have a supportive family but they all live over an hour away so I get don't see them often.
I am one of those people that struggles to form friendships unfortunately. Although, most people I meet seem to like me and I am always try to be kind and generous, I struggle to open up and express my feelings and thoughts so its difficult to keep connections and form long term friendships. Since I have recognised this though I have been actively working on changing it.
As for men, I am bad at picking up the signals so I cannot tell when there is an interest which is a blessing and a curse depending on how you look at it. For now I am taking it as a blessing seeing as I am planning to stay single for foreseeable future.

Oh @Maturewine78 I am far from put together. I've had therapy over the past year to help me and I have bad days. I often beat myself over mistakes and wonder what's wrong with me as I'm single and last year was my first year doing online dating and I picked the worst men. But I've learnt through therapy I need to love myself again, find my self worth and to do that. I need some time being single and work on me.

The fact you have recognised what areas you need to work on, is good. And as people that's all we can do. Sorry to hear your exh is being a pain.

@Maturewine78 I am also up and down like a yoyo so you're not alone with that. Today is an anxiety day it seems and, full disclosure, I'm a psychologist so people always assume I've got everything sorted... I've found having systemic therapy to be life changing but I have days like today where I feel easily overwhelmed and just grind to a halt.

What childcare pattern do you have with your exh? I've met some amazing women through meetup events - there are a lot of us out there! Hope you're feeling better soon. It's my day off so I'm planning a couple of hours reading with a hot choc after making some lunch

Can I ask where you find meet-up events in your area?

Just on www.meetup.com and type in your city/town